Things are not as they seem.

[Carey]

I am starting to have a whole lot of questions about a whole lot of people who claim to be on the side of help.  ::  I am finding that there are quite a few number of individuals who are in this for their own self gain.  Their intentions are not completely "pure."  I am not talking just about the consultants and the programs themselves but also the teens who were incarcerated there along with their parents and even the press who are covering the stories.

[Anonymous]

I am planning to send my 16 yr old son to a wilderness camp.    :cry:  :cry: This isn't a case of a rich kid who won't clean his room.  He runs away and hops freight trains by himself.  I could handle it if he was tougher or with a group.  I am sure he will get killed if I don't stop him.  If he was only dropping out of school and pot smoking, I would never even think of anything like this.  Does anyone know of any alternatives I could use to keep him safe?  He is hospitialized for now.  I think he gets depressed and runs away to deal with it.  He won't accept therapy.  Any suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks

[Carey]

All I can say is if you choose to put your child in some type of boarding school be sure that you can visit him/her at anytime, unnanounced. Make sure that he is in a school that is close to home so that frequent visits are possible.  Be invovled with his care directly, not indirectly through others.  Make sure he/she is in a place that demands your input and involvement in and on every decision made. Make sure that those who take care of your child are educated and trained to work with children who have emotional problems.  This is your child and your responsibilty, not anyone elses!  Nobody is going to love your child like you love your child.  Don't be fooled into thinking those who you pay to take care of your child love your child!  BECAUSE THEY DON'T!!  If they did they would be the grandparents, or the like, and they would be doing it for free!

I personally would not send my child to any type of specialty school.  There are not any regulations in place at this time on these programs. Your child is probably at less risk of being harmed on a train than in a behavior modification program.

[FaceKhan]

Use the least intrusive method possible. Long term studies both of wildnerness programs and so-called therepuetic boarding schools and all other types of confrontational therapy show no helpful long term effects and in many cases Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder results from longterm incarceration.

Try to find a relative for him to go visit for a few weeks or plan a trip somewhere. If you need to get away from him for a while, send him on a trip by himself or with a friend or family member he likes. Not to make light of your situation but it seems like he has an urge to travel anyways. For a lot less money than any program you could send him anywhere in the world. You could make a deal with him and tell him that you will send him anywhere he wants to if he will stop hopping trains. If he wants something dangerous he can skydive about 200 times for the cost of most programs or take two trips to the North Pole or about 50 hikes along the appalachian trail. The list goes on. Hell he could buy a car with that kind of money. You could probably spend 4-6 months in Europe for that much money or a year in Asia or Latin America.


 20 thousand dollars spent on something positive can go a lot farther than a wildnerness program and a lot less dangerous than having him escorted to some prison/mental hospital.

If all else fails you could illustrate why you think this behavior is too dangerous.
"If you jump on that train I am jumping on the next one."

_________________
No greater love hath a man, then he lay down his life for his brother, not for millions, not for glory, not for fame, for one person, in the dark, where no one will ever know or see.

[ This Message was edited by: FaceKhan on 2003-07-20 19:53 ]

[ This Message was edited by: FaceKhan on 2003-07-20 20:23 ]

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to go anywhere with a paid ticket. He wants the adventure the hobo life.

[Antigen]

On 2003-07-20 20:25:00, Anonymous wrote:

"He doesn't want to go anywhere with a paid ticket. He wants the adventure the hobo life."

I get that. That was probably more than half the reason why I decided to go hitchhike around and see the country when I was about 15. It seemed romantic and adventurous. It wasn't quite as much fun as I'd hoped and, after some difficulty and a few years, I wound up settling down with a very nice carpet layer and having a couple of kids with him before our weird little computer hobby became the darling of Wallstreet. So here we are, safe and sound, damned near 40 with a 19 year old daughter of our own.

When my dad had been a teenager, he did all kinds of wild things before enlisted with the Navy. Talk about a white knuckle ride for his mother! That was just after the end of prohibition and just before Pearl Harbour. As a matter of fact, one of his stories involved a drunken spree on some South Pacific Island and the necessity to slip out of the village unnoticed and hop a train back to base. Don't ask me why they had no bus fare or why they had to be so low key. He never did fill me in on those details.

The bad news is that there isn't anything in God's green Earth that you can do to guarantee the safety of a kid who's nearly grown and who has decided he doesn't want your protection. And you could do unthinkable harm by jumping at a radical solution. The good news is that this is just exactly how it's been since the beginning of time. And yet, somehow the human race manages to dominate the planet.

Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose, and you allow him to make war at pleasure. Study to see if you can fix any limit to his power in this respect, after having given him so much as you propose. If today he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him,--"I see no probability of the British invading us"; but he will say to you, "Be silent: I see it, if you don't."
--Abraham Lincoln

[Anonymous]

I think depression is driving his actions.  He kept asking permission to break into a cleaners and sleep there.  I never gave permission, but I figured out where he was when he didn't come home.  He read about the cleaners event in a fictional book.  He has a need to relive things he reads.  To make matters worse his goal is to be a petty thief.  I'm not worried, eventually he will get caught and might reevaluate his goals.

I am extreamly worried about the train hopping.  He has severe hearing loss and may not be able to hear well enough to protect himself.  I have read there are groups of people that ride the trains and they are very territorial.  They survive by robbing stray travelers on the trains.  If his body were to end up on some out of state railpassage, I would have no way of finding out what happened to him.

Has anyone ever heard of a CHIPS program?

[Antigen]

I did a quick search. CHIPS seems to be a popular name for all kinds of things.

" I have read there are groups of people that ride the trains and they are very territorial. They survive by robbing stray travelers on the trains."

This is pretty much true of the whole world in some form or another. Sounds to me like the kid wants swashbuckling adventure and danger. No matter where he is or whether or not you're in control, that's probably not going to change.

I think maybe FaceKhan had the best advice. Try pointing him toward types of adventure that you find more acceptable. Ever look into mountain biking? I'm not kidding. Around here, it's a lifestyle for some people. I've seen pairs and larger groups of cyclists blockade highways, slowing traffic to their speed. And they don't back down when the Harley variety of cyclists join the frey. So far, no deaths reported but lots of interesting human interest pieces and creative politics over bike access funding and such.

And resist the urge to think the worst. I know it's a strong one. Did I mention I have a 19yo daughter? She has no interest in trains or the "King of the Road" culture that I know of. Instead, it's a boyfriend straight out of a Ricki Lake episode.

Not a damned thing I can do but keep the door open and try not to make things worse. The kid doesn't want my help, she only wants cards, pictures, letters, medical advice and recipes. So that's what she gets.

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status
--Laurence J. Peter

[Anonymous]

Anon, look into Outward bound.
Its very adventurous and so might appeal to your son. Also, if he will give it a try, they'll go a long way towards teaching him he can accomplish things he never imagined, and overcome more than he dreamed. This might help with the depression, and also help him find a direction in life.
If he really enjoys it, it could even turn into a worthwhile carrier.
Outward Bound has a program for kids on a down hill slide that might work well for you - but if you think he'd balk at that - they have a large assortment of adventure programs that might work well.
Good Luck
KarenZ

[Anonymous]

On 2003-07-20 15:48:00, Carey wrote:

"I am starting to have a whole lot of questions about a whole lot of people who claim to be on the side of help.  ::  I am finding that there are quite a few number of individuals who are in this for their own self gain.  Their intentions are not completely "pure."  I am not talking just about the consultants and the programs themselves but also the teens who were incarcerated there along with their parents and even the press who are covering the stories."

who are you to decide who is real and what is memorex?  now you are accusing children for being locked up as trying to gain something from this?  shouldn't they be compensated for their troubles?  maybe you have a better idea?