What helped you most to recover after program?

[Rachael]

By the way--its not that the Moms are all soft going for the crying shit.

No, mine was hardened cold.

That's what happens when you party instead of parent and then all the sudden your kid is a teenager with problems and you don't have the skills or resilience  to deal with them. You resent them because they aren't making your life easy, and you are all too happy to stick 'em where you can't see 'em. Au revoir, my sweet child. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!

She believed what they told her 'cause she wanted to.

I forgive her now, because I'm charge of finding her a nice nursing home.

ha ha (just kidding. I think.)

Yeah.... my mother was in no way "soft for the crying shit". She too was cold, hard and calculatedly making her decisions. I just think it's a lot easier for mothers to choose that role if it suits their purposes. I really at this point lean towards the theory that some parents are simply malicious and malevolent towards their children - and that mothers more frequently choose this kind of subtle fucking over of their kids than more overt and "masculine" forms of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Did someone mention the medea complex?
my mom had that, precisely. Hurt the kids to get back at the husband. Now her husband's left her, and she doesn't have her kids anymore


Racheal, do your siblings still speak to your parents? Or, to you?

[Anonymous]

Well all this parent bashing has me thinking.

Did YOU know what the program was like BEFORE you went there?

No?

Well neither do the parents!

[dishdutyfugitive]

You're right the parents get completely bamboozeled before during and after. They don't know what really goes on there. These places have their sales pitch very fine tuned.

So, take the parent bashing with a grain of salt. The former students have some justification in feeling betrayed. We were kids when we went through the experience. The parents were adults. Therefore the parents were in a better position to see through the smoke and mirrors.

Either way when former students post we have much to legitimately vent - even 20 years down the road. I have found no other channel so effective to blow this TBS steam off. Allow us that.

[Anonymous]

Not all parents are equal. Some, especially those whose kids go voluntarily, both parents and kids thinking they're going off to some cool sleepaway camp, can't be blamed.

But the parents who had their kids abducted, who did not remove them when their kids reported abuse, or respond to obvious "red flags," are to blame.

Most parents' who-put-their-kids-away betrayal didn't start with the institutionalization  Most of these parents are abusive and negligent towards their kids from birth.

They've their kids abducted and institutionalized not because the kid is a strung out herion junkie, but because the kid goes out without their permission, ( trying to escape being kept  prisoner in their own home) or get suspended from school, (while dealing with the turmolt of having insane, abusive parents) or don't want to go to school. (they're being bullied, or not learning anything)

In other words, parents who have they're kids abducted because their kids are 100% nommal, and being nuts, they can't deal with normal

[Anonymous]

its a slow process. its been over ten years and i came home from the gym crying today because i still am messed up from the brainwashing.

my mom had no idea what to do i was cutting myself and not going to school and all sorts of messed up. she bought the insurance company and ed consultants claim that it is like an outward bound adventure program with therapists.  i only recently told her about some of the abuse. she cried and said what was i saposed to do you would have died.  agreed i would have and the freezing cold and subsequent abuse oddly enough gave me a reason to live.

so now i sit here typing because im still have attachment issues and abandonment issues.

helping me recover is going back to the depths ... i work in these programs now because if i dont some one who is abusive probably will

[Anonymous]

and after getting all teary eyed i realize i forgot to answer the question.

[redacted on request by psy] (personal identifying details)

im not angry about all of it any more well maybe angry that people are greedy and easily manipulated more sad.  feeling my anger though that helped to.

letting go

[dishdutyfugitive]

you now work at a program?


that doesn't make sense to me?

how are you effecting change there? or are you just taking up space so someone else evil can't work there?

[Anonymous]

I have worked at a few programs. 

Am i affecting change? i would like to think so.  Have i gotten in a lot of trouble yes can i list what i have done here to do so no because then i cant continue to work on the inside. Programs is all i know i do what i know.  some staff are brainwashed and do what they are told i feel sorry for them. some, most, are fuct up power trippers. 

can i de-escalate a kid yes. can i prevent restraints yes.  can i document abuse yes. can i change program policy, to a certain degree.

the advantage to wilderness program employment was that the bosses had no idea what i was doing out there.

the disadvantage to residential is that the bosses have more control. 

do i do what they tell me to do, no.  am i taking up space, maybe. can i report sexual abuse to the authorities, yes.

so you tell me, if you had been through it could you work any other job knowing what goes on everyday.  i know i can prevent things on my shift.  so should i sit at home typing at my computer and hope things will change?

hope helps, no matter in what form, hope helps when inncarcerated

[Anonymous]

hey if your a moderator and reading this or you know how to get intouch with the moderators or you can figer out how to edit a post in re reading my above post with the details about what i do to get over it. (slowmotion)

i realized that anyone who works where i have worked or do work and reads this forum and sees those details will pretty much know its me based on those details.  it says where im from and what i like to do.  so can someone help me to get this deleated im certain i will loose my job.  thank you!

(doesnt it suck to fear your employer so much)

[The Fornits]

hey if your a moderator and reading this or you know how to get intouch with the moderators or you can figer out how to edit a post in re reading my above post with the details about what i do to get over it. (slowmotion)

i realized that anyone who works where i have worked or do work and reads this forum and sees those details will pretty much know its me based on those details.  it says where im from and what i like to do.  so can someone help me to get this deleated im certain i will loose my job.  thank you!

(doesnt it suck to fear your employer so much)

Look.  I am really not supposed to do this, but ginger is asleep and i'll make a judgement call.  Check your email.

[Antigen]

Nice catch. This is perfectly cool with me. So long as you can be reasonably sure that the person requesting the edit is really the author. That's the whole of the law on that as far as I'm concerned. I wish more people would register so they can edit their own posts but I fully understand that that takes a little bit of trust and familiarity with fornits admins as well as how the software works. So right on, write on... rampant talking out in group, ya hear?

To the anon staffer, blessings to ya! I bet you are doing some good for some of those kids. But for your own long term interest, I hope you'll start making other plans. The longer you stay cloistered in the twilight zone the harder it will be to adjust to the more commonly accepted reality.

[dishdutyfugitive]

well said Antigen.

While it's needed and admirable for him/her to work there and try to prevent harm I agree with your advice. Especially if he/she is still having a rough time sorting out their own experience.

You have to come up for air at some point - get refreshed and then get back in it.

[try another castle]

Interesting about how a lot of people here said that their moms were the ones who spearheaded the placement. Mine was exactly the opposite. My dad and stepmom were the ones who were hardcore, although all four of my parents wanted me to go. (and I don't think that my stepmom convinced my dad. They are like two peas in a pod in terms of how alike they think. It's disgusting. Although if anything, he was probably feeling protective of her, since both of them thought I was going to try to kill them.) I wasn't living with my mom, since she was in London at the time. I was living with my dad, so he and my stepmom were the ones who had to deal with me. I know that they both loved the parent workshops, whereas my mom thought they were ridiculous. She candidly said to my aunt years later that RMA did nothing for me, and didn't help me out at all. Not sure why she didn't tell me that, though. She has also said that she feels bad because it seems that everything she and my dad tried to do for me didn't work... placements, therapists, shrinks, meds, etc. What does that tell you, guys?

Most parents' who-put-their-kids-away betrayal didn't start with the institutionalization  Most of these parents are abusive and negligent towards their kids from birth.

Not always true. In fact, I would say mostly not true. I was very close to being a "Parr baby" (RMA term for people who were kidnapped up to the school) if the "lie to your kid" trick didn't work. Fortunately, it did.

My parents were anything but negligent. They were your typical overprotective neurotic jewish parents. (Well, my mom more than my dad. He's very cold.) The reason for the deception had nothing to do with abuse and negligence, it had to do with fear. My parents, all four of them, were apparently scared to death of me. (I know, they are pussies.) As such, they never thought in a million years that I would willingly go, and they were right. You're looking at someone who has punched his mother right in the face. That doesn't excuse the deception, but think about it.. my parents were scared of me already, now... thanks to RMA admissions, they are most likely terrified, my personae most likely demonized to the point where I am completely unable to be reasoned with.


As for the question at hand...
What helped me recover?
College. That pretty much covers everything. Friends, sex, booze, drugs, music, parties, oh yeah, and school.

You try to talk program shit in college, you won't make many friends. My freshman year was quite lonely.

[psy]

You try to talk program shit in college, you won't make many friends. My freshman year was quite lonely.

This, I realized...  The bubble-world of program does NOT resemble reality whatsoever....