Were the 13 Apostles a travelling group of butt pirates?

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They were at my house last week and my ass still hurts!
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I\'m so horny.. send them all over to my place.
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Author Topic: Jesus Jokes  (Read 2356 times)

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Offline nimdA

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Jesus Jokes
« on: May 15, 2007, 09:09:42 PM »
Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Jesus and the apostles arrive in a small, dusty town to discover an angry mob obviously bent on doing harm. Jesus elbows his way through the crowd to discover a terrified woman cowering on the ground. Only then does he notice that everyone around her is holding stones.
"What's happening here?" he demands.
"She's an adulturess," cries a voice. "And she must be stoned to death."
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," replies Jesus, staring back at the crowd. At this, everyone falls silent, then one by one they drop their stones and shuffle off, ashamed.

Except for one little old woman who staggers up to the adulturess with a monster of a rock in her arms. With a huge effort of will she raises it above her head and craaaaaash!, smashes it down on the other woman, killing her instantly.

Jesus lets out a huge sigh then says, "You know, Mum, sometimes you really piss me off."

Elvis - Jesus Similarities: Coincidence or fate? You be the judge!

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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