Each of us in AARC, or Kids, or whichever of this chain you were a part of, had some sort of safe place we went to in our heads to forget about where we were. I think we can all remember where we would have rather been at that time - when we were teenagers and our idea of bliss was probably very different from what it is for us now. I know exactly who was on my mind when I would scream in my mind for help hoping my calls could be felt by my friends out there. I remember very well what I dreamed about doing with my life the moment I got out.
At night in bed (the only time we had to think) I would fantasize about dancing with all of my friends in some extravagant nightclub, in extravagant clothes in which I'd design in my mind down to the smallest details, and which I still remember. I knew what music we'd be dancing to, and the lighting, and I would get lost in the music. That may sound like a very simple dream to most - dancing - but if I'd told anyone in AARC I wanted to dance in a nightclub with my old friends I'd have been told that my disease was taking over me and I'd be held back. I was 15 and the idea of dancing and dressing freely was a freedom which seemed a million miles away.
There is a song by VNV Nation called "Chrome" which has always reminded me of T*ny* W. I translate the lyrics funny, but there is a line "I still hear you scream in every breathe, in every waking moment" and it reminded me of how vividly I remember the look and sound of her screaming in a Girls Rap. I then remembered her and I sneaking into a private room every morning when we were Oldtimers, getting on our knees, holding hands, and praying for ourselves and the Newcomers. The song made me think about her still being in that room, all these years later.
Now over the years I've done a lot of things to help heal the wound AARC left. Therapy, research, taking action, these forums, facing the family, life changes, and just about every type of spiritual or holistic healing under the sun. But over the past few years I found the most obvious of cure: I design my clothes, I get together with my friends, and then we hit extravagant clubs and we dance all night. It started as an accident on my anniversary of my kidnapping and I realized I'd forgotten all about it and just had a good time, so I've made it a part of my weekly routine just like working out and getting the groceries.
Recently I was dancing at a VNV show, and when Chrome came on I got teary eyed with happiness. I was reminded of how badly I wanted to be free when we would prey together, and how now I am where I wanted to be. For many years I always felt as though I were still trapped somehow, no matter what good things may have come my way.
I know this is a long post, but rarely do people here share what things are like on the other side. I am very sad and angry about what everyone else is still going through, but I don't feel pain for myself anymore. I never denied myself the anger over what happened, so I've dealt with it all of these years. Now if I have a day with some spare time I sometimes ask myself "What would I have wanted to do then?" It could be just sleep, or watch TV, or have silence, or put on make up, but whatever it is I go and do it and I feel satisfied.
In light of the "Lest We Forget" post, I think that it's important to know how some of us survived, and how those of us who have gotten through the thick of it feel now. I'd like to invite more survivors to share their stories.
