"I still feel stupid posting this. Because boo fucking hoo, poor me right?"
Lesli, NO you are not stupid or 'feeling sorry for yourself'. You are merely trying to understand what the hell happened to you. That "pity" thing is just ANOTHER Straight-tape rolling in your head that STRAIGHT stuck there. I know I have the same crap like that come up once in a while, I just have to shut it off. You are entitled to whatever you are feeling. People outside of you Lesli NEVER had any business dictating to you how you should feel.
Like all of us, you just had a bunch of nutcakes at one time in your life that messed with it terribly yet never had any business doing so in the first place. I don't like seeing you put yourself down like this.
I don't even know you but you just grabbed at my heart. I know all about those 4 people you described that you split yourself into. I wish I could go back to that young man I was before and get him away from Straight so I wouldn't have to pick up al these pieces they left me in today. But I have made up my mind that when I am done picking up these pieces, I am NOT ever going to clean up after them again, in fact, whenever I can, I will do whatever I can to expose these monsters that founded and operated Straight so that they can't hurt other kids today, it really helps me heal from their shit.
Myself, I took it up another notch and decided after I "graduated" that I was still the 'family fuck-up' and that my parents and those at Straight all walked on water. I love that term 'fear sobriety' that you used as well, that was the case for me for nearly 15 years I carried that around thinking I was some kind of an addict, more like I was lied to in the name of money.
There is help out there, I go to a great therapist here in Michigan who had heard of Straight and the sadistic methods that they used. Once I realized that it was not my fault, and that I was lied to, I was able to quit smoking after a 2 pack a day 15 year habit. I'm sure that there has to be someone in the Dallas area that knows about therapeutic communities like Straight was.
Take care of yourself Lesli and write back soon.....Ken