Sounds like you are having a hard time knowing what is really real. I would say, start questioning your beliefs about everything, and why you believe it. I would say check out a book called _The Truth About Addiction and Recovery_. That helped me at the time I was questioning all the 12-step program stuff. I started realizing I just didn't believe it. I couldn't go in the meetings anymore. I just sat out in the parking lot and talked to my friend Eric. In the end, you have to find your own answers, and I don't think that can be given by any religion, cult, way, program or steps. You gotta know what you really think, and why, and that means questioning every belief you have about yourself, the patterns of thought in your mind that torment you.
One thing, there just wasn't any room to just be, in Straight or in the 12-step programs. Like me, I am finally realizing that I am really depressed, yet it took me months of symptoms of depression before I quit saying "but I don't feel depressed!" I think I was taught to just cheer up out of whatever. Things are wrong, they are all messed up and god I am trying to find some sanity somewhere. Some way that is for real and not just fear laying down tracks in my mind. Like Ben Harper says, "I'm gonna burn one down."
