So then, old schoolers, why couldn't you get contraband?

[Anonymous]

My favorite dirt memory was as follows.

A guy in my peer group was in his first rap of his full time (hellfire and brimstone). Prior to the rap he had written his dirt list which contained a few interesting pieces of respectable dirt. One piece, that was real, was the fact that he snuck a hit of acid in his sorel boots and split it with another friend in the peer group.
Once the rap kicked off following the dreaded..."OK - let's have a rap" the room immediately began to adminster a high grade pummeling to the full-timer . The beatdown included all the standard bullshit which gave even the shyest, dirtest voyager in the room the coveted opportunity to belt out a half-baked look-good indictment with absolute authority and sanctimonious insight. Ahhh, and remember the massive foot-traffic from his side of the circle to the other side and the struggle to be exactly 180 degrees from him to deliver the optimal indictment........
Remember jonesing to be in that throne so you could accumulate as many look good points possible - like a jackal fighting to feast on the juiciest part of the caracass.
So the dust started to settle somewhat and Caroline asked him if there was any more dirt....at this point he confessed, for the first time, to the acid. The room, as you can imagine, ignited into another mighty inferno and then out of left field 1 student called bullshit. His theory was that the acid was fake (just a plain old piece of paper) and that the acid was given to the other guy in his peer group to win his friendship . "You're desperate for acceptance, You'll do anything to make people like you......" Amazingly the rap was enamoured with this sophisticated insight from numnutz and immediately jumped on his band wagon.  
By this point an hour had gone by and the jackals were satiated and exhausted from their feeding frenzy - Caroline moved on to the next carcass.

So, those in the rap, Caroline included, were content with their conclusion that the acid was fake. The acid was never mentioned again nor did it generate any lore.

The truth is is that the acid was real.... but the kool-aid was "realer".  A fine example of CEDU insanity.

- dishdutyfugitive

[try another castle]

When I finally went through my Full Time journals...it was amazing the shit I was copping out to on my dirt lists. Absolutely amazing.

I purposely went 20 seconds over on my shower
I ate a piece of fruit during a non break time

It made me sick...that is when it all comes back and you realize what you were going through. (i.e. the cult)

Perhpas I should just post one of my dirt lists. I have 3 full time journals.

It might be good for discussion and laughs...

~J~

Okay, you sold me on this. It would definitely be interesting to compare notes, if only for the absurdity that is CEDU.

For the record, I was at RMA from 87-89.

I thought I would preface this by a writing assigment I had during the summit workshop. I feel that what I wrote pretty much embodies the CEDU-think that was prevelant during the time of my stay.

I should also add that CEDU had me seriously whipped, even when I was in Voyageurs. I can't say for certain whether this was the case with everyone. At least one staff (John Aaron) mentioned to a CEDU friend of mine how he felt that I was one of the most tormented students in the school. Gee, John, why do you think that was, you fucking prick?

This is why I am not sure that dirt lists could indicate the level of strictness that was going on during a certain CEDU era, but rather, can only account for that individual's experience. Which kind of sucks, actually, because some perspective would be nice. IMO, I don't think there will be any difference in the types of dirt a student cops to from one era to another. The importance was that they followed the CEDU template of what was expected of us regarding what to cop out to.

Everything in italics is added commentary by myself.

Anyway, here is the assignment. It was titled "The Importance of Agreements in my Life."

"Before I came up here, I had no agreements. I had rules that were meant to be broken. Everything was chaotic because I never had a standard. I didn't know what I stood for, and I never drew a line with anything. I constantly broke my word. I felt like my life was out of control, because I never owned any of my agreements. When I'm out of agreement here, I feel really trapped and weighed down. I feel like I have less room to move around, and I feel guilty. - That there are less things I can do in my life. When I have agreements, there aren't any gray areas, I've either broken it, or I haven't. If I have broken it I feel like what I've just mentioned, and if I've stayed in agreement, I feel really clean. I have room for myself. Kind of like when I've finished my homework, because it's one thing that's out of my way and not weighing me down. Agreements keep me in line and are a reference point. I know something's going on with me if I'm out of agreement. When I break an agreement, I lose my freedom, because there's always something nagging at me in the back of my mind. I feel so much freer when I'm in agreement. I feel proud. I feel like there's less things to beat myself up about, and one thing that can give to myself. It's just a really clean feeling. Like saying 'Well yeah, I feel like shit about myself, but at least I'm in agreement.' Agreements are my foundation, my standard, my line. All too often I make something okay. Maybe that's why I feel trapped so often. Just writing about this makes me want to stay 100% in agreement. I can't afford not to, I feel shitty enough about myself. I don't need to be out of agreement, just to add onto it. I want to be someone who really keeps her [his] word."

Interesting how I talk about feeling "clean" repeatedly, and how it could somehow help me, despite the fact that I felt disgusted with myself most of the time.

I should also add that I truly, completely believed what I had written.

Now, for the two lists that I have salvaged from my time there. The first list is from my full-time in voyageurs. Here it is.

All students, for both lists, are listed as blanks. All staff are named, because they deserve no anonymity.

1. I went down to my dorm once without permission.
2. Paying air guitar
3. Singing unacceptables alone and around people. (This part is very important because I always think about songs like this. The music I listened to dealt a lot with death and violence and insanity and a lot of scary things. I listened to it at home because I was always so angry and I got even angrier when I listened to it. Whenever I sang it here it was because I was very angry and in my shit. I was very much in my death. It also made me very homesick and that didn't help matters at all. This music really supports my death and all of my negative thinking.) [I'm not sure why I added commentary to this, except maybe that I felt I was under additional pressure to justify or rationalize my actions.]
4. Taking work or game related bans out of hand.
5. Keeping lights on after lights out.
6. Breaking bans
7. Not tucking in my shirt.
8. Not keeping my hair back.
9. Not eating
10. Asking about my friend over the phone when I knew the phone agreements already.
11. Smiling on my full time
12. Asking for three sweaters in a letter when only two of the sweaters got cleared.
13. Badrapping __________ and ____________. (There are probably more people than that but I can't remember.)
14. Taking a kneaded eraser from the woodshed.
15. Not waking up on time.
16. Not doing my dorm job.
17. Not cleaning under my mattress.
18. Not being up to breakfast on time.
19. Writing an unacceptable song (from an unacceptable movie) on paper.
20. Not keeping my footlocker tight.
21. Going through a day without taking a shower.
22. Hitting the axe or hatchet into a stump.
23. Petting the cats at the farm.
[We couldn't pet the cats on the farm???]

Compare this to the dirt list from the summit, which was split into two parts, broken agreements with myself, and broken agreements with others. I don't see much of a difference with the list from my full-time, really, with the possible exception that there were more expectations placed on an older student, and therefore, more chances to "get dirty" by not meeting these expectations.

With myself:
1. I never became a dorm head
2. Taking longer than 5 minute showers
3. Being late up to the house a lot.
4. When I go down to the dorm to get something, twice I stopped to use the bathroom and it took a while. (20 minutes)
5. I promised myself I would start coming down in the dorm and I never did. [I believe this meant being stricter.]
6. Throughout my stay here, there are many goals that I never completed. (I can't even remember them, except for a Discovery first light.)
7. My dorm wasn't tight.
8. I would promise myself that I wouldn't masturbate often (over 3 times a week or twice in one day) and I did.
9. I promised myself I would never have lesbian [which would now be considered straight, I suppose. ] thoughts, or if I did, I'd fight it, and instead, I surrendered to it.
10. I promised myself that I would be committed to flossing and I stopped.
11. Having mine and the dorm's lights out late.

With others:
1. I promised my dad that I would write my grandmother a thank you note and I never did.
2. I promised Linda and Stacy that I would find a way to get back into agreement after my home visit and I never did.
3. I did that with Richard, too.
4. I promised Sheila and __________  that I would have the logo for the basketball team done within two weeks and it never was.
5. I told Rea that I needed a study hall to work on college stuff and instead I helped _______ with his challenge night. [God, how horrible, helping out someone.]
6. My mom would tell me to "take better care of myself" (wash face more often, brush teeth more often, stay warm [bundle up]) and I said yes I would just to get her off my back, and I didn't.
7. I would promise people I would talk to them or eat lunch with them and I wouldn't.
8. I have requested ___________ and ___________ for a rap and then I didn't talk to them.
9. I didn't make rap requests often.
10. Not having my homework in on time.
11. I'm a hypocrite. I'll tell someone to take a 5 minute shower and then I won't be aware of how long my showers are.
12. I kicked back [for] an entire dorm cleanup last month.
13. Lying to people and telling them I'm fine when I'm not.
14. Turning in library books late.
15. I promised my mom, dad and cousin that I would never try to kill myself again, and I did.
[I'm not sure why this last item is on here, due to the fact that this happened well before I arrived at RMA.]


The narcissistic side of me thinks that I was unusually hard on myself compared to other students. I know that I have a perfectionist, obsessive personality, and the ridiculous regimen at RMA didn't help. However, the rational side says that other people from my time would cop to the same kind of insane minutia. I don't remember other people's dirt lists, because realistically, we really didn't care about our peers' "transgressions", despite the fact that we yelled at each other in raps about it.


Shan, Idaho, back me up on this? Were your dirt lists as crazy?

[Anonymous]

Yes, my dirt lists were equally if not more detailed than yours. I too wonder how much RMA fueled the over the top perfectionist in me.

Playing air guitar. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. That is hilarious. I forgot about that agreement.



- Dishdutyfugitive (graduated rma 90)

[blownawaytheidahoway]

There's no doubt that Castle is Neurotic as hell and under the structure of the program, probably one of the hardest working people to ever grace a CEDU campus. See, what people never will get except those that did the whole thing, is that it encourages feelings of helplessness, lack of control, self hatred and lowered by self esteem, UNDER THE GUISE of doing the opposite. I think most people did not respond the way some older, already more mature and very very arrogent already soon to become programmies did. They may have been there for some more serious issues and it's just possible that that kind of mindfuck done to the right degree could help 1 in 500 kids. MOST kids that went were actually having the esteem issues and may have been growing up too quick. But most, when I was there, wrote consistently their dirt, felt bad 99 per cent of the time, felt they were struggling through the whole goddamn program, and that is success in the program standard.Question everything you have no control over, and then rant, cry, scream and pound pillows until you realize what you should have known to begin with:

"You gotta make your own kind of music..."

[try another castle]

There's no doubt that Castle is Neurotic as hell

:rofl:

I like how you capitalized the "N" hee hee. Does that mean It's trademarked?

[Anonymous]

Lol….here is one of my dirt lists that I recently came across.

1. I stayed up past lights out
2. I smiled and laughed while on bans
3. I borrowed from my dorm-mates
4. I caused ____ and ______ to stray away from their agreements by singing inappropriate music and telling inappropriate jokes to them.
5. I sat next to _______ in every rap for three weeks
6. I asked about my Dad during a phone call because I had a new staff monitoring my phone call and thought they wouldn’t know that I was on restriction from talking about my dad other than in groups until I had worked through certain issues.
7. I didn’t eat
8. I promised my team leader, my mother and myself that I wouldn’t make myself throw up anymore, but I continued to do so
9. I passed notes
10. I talked about running away with ______ and ______ and ________
11. I took a longer shower than was allowed
12. I didn’t complete my chores as they were assigned.
13. I talked to _____ in between groups and raps even though I was on bans from them specifically.
14. I skipped washing my hair twice.
15. I asked for a pair of jeans that weren’t approved
16. I didn’t do all of my laundry on my day
17. I lent money to _______
18. I talked about Caroline behind her back instead of confronting her with my issues
19. I pretended to be sick
20. I didn’t write to my sister even though it was assigned.

I also found a writing assignment of mine that made me laugh….It was “100 lies that I have toldâ€

[Anonymous]

That's good stuff. You must be female. Guys didn't have face/hair washing  agreements.

[Anonymous]

Is "not demanding to be believed" about confessing to 'taking acid' (at RMA) while being accused of lying about taking acid, in a rap dirt?

Wouldn't that qualify as lying to caroline about not lying while being accused of lying?

[Anonymous]

around 92 or was it 93? There was this blonde dude who lived on the edge of the school. by the farm i think. his name was steve something and i think his wife lived there? i think he had to move, i found a huge bottle of carlo rossi under his house. i snuck it off to the woods, buried it, and returned a couple of days later. i drank the whole damn thing. i had to go wash the dishes in that fucking hot ass little room. the girl (Kesi) who was washing dishes with me asked me if i was drunk. i laughed. then i ran out and puked in that side restroom, you know the one the guys went to jerk off in peace. LOL i totally got away with it.

i also went on a home visit and my friend heard i was coming down and hid a pinner in the bushes by my house. i didnt have a chance to smoke it so i cut a hole in the stiching of my parka and sewed it back up. went back and walked to the top of microwave hill and sparked it. jumped in that freezing ass cold pool so my eyes had a reason to be red. one of my best friends was a girl named sara and i kept very obviously hitting on her. i think she laughed me off.

i walked about 25 feet down the backside and smoked tea. mmmm, yeah tea.

i never put any of that shit on a dirt list.

i was feeling nostalgic one day around 00 or 01. i was on my way to big bear, took a little detour down bluebird ln? late at night, pulled up by the gate, got out walked to the driveway armed with my trusty 2 footer. boy i done smoked myself retarted. i pissed in the bushes, flipped off the school and made my way on. ahhh closure.