Author Topic: What it's like to survive...  (Read 1281 times)

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Offline Rachael

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What it's like to survive...
« on: April 09, 2007, 03:00:35 PM »
REPOST of something from AARC Survivor forum:

 Lately, I've been talking about it a lot; with my sisters who were there on the sibling side and with my S/O Paul who was not. Thinking about it so much is taking its toll. I've felt panicky most of the time and I've kind of regressed back to this small, meek, terrified little girl that I used to be when I was 15. It's like all the years between just fell away, and I'm just as helpless as I was then.

Last night, I'd been speaking with one of my sisters about AARC. Just little things like the jargon they used, what open meetings were like, how Christmas and Thanksgiving were, songs they played at homecomings -- really, nothing especially painful. But what we were talking about, I've been pushing away for years. Describing all the little details of AARC essentially recreated the environment in my mind, I was back there again.

After I went to bed, I couldn't forget, couldn't push it out of my head. I was back there. It's like I always have two realities - the present: the life I'm living, my partner and daughter, and myself, confident, intelligent, compassionate and strong; but on top of that reality is the past where I am still there and it never stopped happening. For the past year or two, reality number two has been weak and far away. It doesn't bother me most of the time, except for when I'm sleeping. But last night, reality number one lost and I was almost completely back there. I curled up in a little ball and hid under my duvet. I took Paul's ipod and tried to drown out my head with Kid koala. But I couldn't make it go away. I was clutching so hard to stay here and believe that it was over and long ago, but I couldn't. I didn't see my room around me anymore.

I don't know how long I was like that, but Paul came in to go to bed and found me tightly curled up, shaking, crying and generally freaking out. He was talking to me for some time and I remember nothing of it. He managed to get me up and dressed and put our daughter in my arms. I started to come back to here and be able to at least see what was going on around me. I was still seeing images, scenes from the past in front of me as if they were real. We went outside and walked along the river, and I came back. Things I was seeing went back to being passive memories that I could control. But I felt so weak, not scared or anything else. Emotionally, I'm just blank. But it feels like there is nothing left in me.

I'm still empty this morning. No emotion, which is better for the moment.


Rachael
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Antigen

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Re: What it's like to survive...
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2007, 03:22:15 PM »
Quote from: ""Rachael""
I don't know how long I was like that, but Paul came in to go to bed and found me tightly curled up, shaking, crying and generally freaking out. He was talking to me for some time and I remember nothing of it. He managed to get me up and dressed and put our daughter in my arms. I started to come back to here and be able to at least see what was going on around me.


I envy you. When I cry, I just get yelled at and told to make myself a better person so that my family will be able to tolerate me.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
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Offline Deborah

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What it's like to survive...
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2007, 03:23:31 PM »
You might benefit from exploring a good talk therapist who does EMDR. I've heard it can be very effective and doesn't require the client to rehash a lot of the distress associated with the trauma.
You can read more about EMDR by googling it. Reported to be the most effective treatment for PTSD.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Nihilanthic

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Re: What it's like to survive...
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2007, 03:27:01 PM »
Quote from: ""Antigen's Ghost""
Quote from: ""Rachael""
I don't know how long I was like that, but Paul came in to go to bed and found me tightly curled up, shaking, crying and generally freaking out. He was talking to me for some time and I remember nothing of it. He managed to get me up and dressed and put our daughter in my arms. I started to come back to here and be able to at least see what was going on around me.

I envy you. When I cry, I just get yelled at and told to make myself a better person so that my family will be able to tolerate me.


I think they're just aping/parroting the standard issue bullshit of "get tough" and "stop crying" and "don't show weakness" that is part and parcel of our calloused, militarized society.

Ugh... sadly, I now know from experience some of those feelings y'all have been telling me for so many years.

Damn, they suck. they really do... and nobody cares, nobody tries to understand, few even say they're sorry.  :(

Fuck em!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: What it's like to survive...
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2007, 03:58:40 PM »
Quote from: ""Nihilanthic""
I think they're just aping/parroting the standard issue bullshit of "get tough" and "stop crying" and "don't show weakness" that is part and parcel of our calloused, militarized society.


I think it goes deeper than that, people at their core have no tolerance for weakness. Find another animal species that shows compassion and I'll show you a group of animals that will not survive. You let the weak die so the strong can go on living. This is how it was for 99.99% of our special history. It can be hard to change, it's hard wired in for our survival. The only point to life is to survive, all the rest is just games we play with each other.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

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What it's like to survive...
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2007, 06:21:22 PM »
So then if you're down and you don't have someone to hold you, that's proof that you were never meant to live and you should just kill yourself, right?

That's pretty fucked up right there!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
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Offline Anonymous

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Re: What it's like to survive...
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2007, 07:16:35 PM »
Quote from: ""Guest""
Quote from: ""Nihilanthic""
I think they're just aping/parroting the standard issue bullshit of "get tough" and "stop crying" and "don't show weakness" that is part and parcel of our calloused, militarized society.

I think it goes deeper than that, people at their core have no tolerance for weakness. Find another animal species that shows compassion and I'll show you a group of animals that will not survive. You let the weak die so the strong can go on living. This is how it was for 99.99% of our special history. It can be hard to change, it's hard wired in for our survival. The only point to life is to survive, all the rest is just games we play with each other.


actually you are quite incorect. Weirdly the issue of wether animals have compassion or goodness has been politicalized. I supose thats becasue if we thought about the feelings of our lunch and jackets....Anyway their are many many exapmles of animlas having compassion much to their own personal peril. Off the top of my head,wether its a monkey junping into the water to save another monkey from drowning- although monkeys cant swim, a rat going into greif induced depression after having her babies "taken" from her, elephapnts blocking with theri own bodies the elephants who have "tusks" and are valuable to the hunters, cats running into buildings to "alert" other cats to fires, wallabys risking themselves to "help" a sick wallaby....the animal kingdom is alot like us , some kindness in an otherwise cruel world.

The Daily Telegraph.
14 August 2006.
Elephants show compassion in face of death
By Roger Highfield

These astonishing pictures reveal the depth of compassion the creatures feel for each other in their moments of need. Film footage shot by scientists at the Samburu National Reserve in Kenya caught Eleanor as she fell to the ground after being bitten.

Her helper, Grace, was seen calling out in distress and making desperate attempts to get the stricken elephant on to her feet. But the 40-year-old matriarch was too ill to respond and her efforts were ultimately unsuccessful. Her great weight compressed her internal organs and by the following morning she was dead. That day her body was visited by other elephants who rocked back and forth or stood silently nearby.

It was a dramatic demonstration that elephants, like humans, show compassion after a death of one of their own species, care about other elephants in distress and have a strong interest in the dead - and not only for their immediate kin. Grace is the matriarch of a separate family, christened the Virtues by scientists, to that of Eleanor, who headed the First Ladies. But Grace still came to the dying elephant's aid.

The research team from Oxford University's Department of Zoology, the charity Save the Elephants, and the University of California report the rare observations in a forthcoming study to be published in the journal Applied Animal Behaviour Science. Movements of 50 animals are constantly tracked, allowing the team to measure and record visits to the dead matriarch.

From radio tracking and direct or recorded observations, the study showed that five families visited the dead Eleanor, showing a distinct interest in her body. One of these families was her own, but the researchers noted that Eleanor also received visits from unrelated elephants who were not normally associated with her.

The study concludes that elephants are interested in sick, dying or dead elephants, irrespective of a genetic relationship. The authors conclude: "It is an example of how elephants and humans may share emotions, such as compassion, and have an awareness and interest about death."
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Offline Antigen

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What it's like to survive...
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2007, 07:26:47 PM »
Yeah, my dog harumphed and then sneezed when I read that bit about compassion being unnatural. Not only will dogs pack up and form cooperative life-long bonds, they'll even adopt stray kittens, people and other creatures sometimes.
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Offline Anonymous

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What it's like to survive...
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2007, 07:45:30 PM »
Quote from: ""Antigen's Ghost""
So then if you're down and you don't have someone to hold you, that's proof that you were never meant to live and you should just kill yourself, right?

That's pretty fucked up right there!


I never think killing yourself is a good idea. But if you are down, I wouldn't expect anyone to truly give a shit for no reason, unless they already love you and really do. Have you ever known anyone who's got cancer and slowly but surely all their friends stop calling because they don't want to deal with watching their friend die? Or secretly spread gossip behind the back of a friend who is confiding in them and taking it all seriously, Or watch the group of football players in high school go after the weak and pathetic kids?  Sure we create packs like dogs, but we use those packs to fight each other and the strong packs go after the weak, just like in nature. Yeah, it is fucked up, and the alternative is trying your best to find someone who will stick through the thick and thin, but I've seen it too much to ignore that when shit gets difficult people leave. If you become damaged rather than fix you they want to get rid of you. Because you are a burden to them, they don't want to think or deal with you. I like that article about compassionate animals. I will no longer attack animals for not being compassionate. My dog didn't like me saying that either... but sometimes I wonder if he'd sell me out for a steak.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »