Rudy

[try another castle]

and then i was celibate for 6 years,  ...and now i am trying to learn to be intimate. fucking fuckers. fucking god damn motherfucking fuckers.

Yeah, I'm in a similar situation. I'm on the same mating cycle as the 7 year cicada. I go from being totally dormant for years to practically sex-addict lust for a few months on some random summer. But now I actually want a girlfriend, as opposed to meaningless twenty-minute stands with the boys, and it is frustrating, because I really have never done any sort of courting or dating. It was always just "Hey, you're hot, let's fuck.". I feel like I'm behind the rest of the class still in some areas. I keep hoping that I will catch up eventually, but I dunno. All I know is that I've got some serious nesting urges, which freaks me the fuck out.

And of course, the times I was in relationships, I chose people who really didn't get me hot. They felt "safe" to me, which was why I hooked up with them. Then I wondered why we had bed death three months into the relationship.

[Anonymous]

  recently my mind has changed about a lot of things.  here's the thing about 'safe lovers' that i have found in regards to sex.  

those safe people are not a bad choice for a partner.  the truth is, most lust based relationships fade.  the passion in a relationship comes from intimacy.  intimacy comes from being in the safe place with a safe person and not being terrified by how vulnerable it feels to be truly intimate.

i know for me when i am intimate with devin, it scares me.  when he is trusting me, looking at me with love and vulnerability, i am overcome with shame and guilt, fear that i will hurt him with the cruel beast they made me beleive i am.

the thing for me though is that i have been hiding these things inside me for so long, lying to myself.  so the way i see it, i had to try to get close enough to him, to see how i was lying to myself, because i had to see it because in order to maintain it i had to lie to him, so it put me up against myself in a way that only trying to maintain closeness with another person has done for me.  

so the real challenge is becoming more intimate with myself.  giving up the abuse i put myself through and learning to treat myself with kindness and welcome my own needs with love instead of hatred and cruelty as i was trained first by my parents to neglect myself and next by cedu to abuse myself.

so it is hard, but i know you will find the intimacy you seek.  what they never can change is that love and human bonding will always be stronger than fear and terrorism.  but i also always tell myself all the time that it is ok for me to not be able to do everything today.  maybe not till next week.  maybe not till next life. it doesnt matter.  i will treat myself with patience and kindness and care and however i am is ok without judgement or cruelty.  these things are new to me and they are helping me.