Fornits

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An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

When I started wondering why I still feared eventually being locked up again after so many years of being a good upstanding citizen, I started thinking I needed to finally look at this and get over it if that was at all possible.
Reading posts exactly like this one- describing the exact same phobias and compulsions that have been stinking up my personality for years proves the truth that the place effected me NEGATIVELY.
I would be interested in hearing more from an ex staff member in case it was someone I remembered from there. There was one staff above all others who I thought was the best to me and seemed to be less concerned with inflicting humiliation. He spoke about being epileptic which may or may not have made me feel the he tried to be more honest - who knows. Another friend of mine remembers things differently, she wrote a poem about this guy. I was 14 and up until that time only had experienced being screwed with on a very basic level, guys at parties, my mother and her vieolent ravings etc.
Until Straight I had no concept of real hopelessness and desperation. I was terrified that all the things they told me would happen when I left, however was convinced that I would never finish the program anyway.
I went to AA, drank on 6.5 years of sobriety when I turned 21.
I have not attend an AA meeting in over 10 years. Since I stopped all the "recovery"; I stopped smoking, graduated college, married, had a child, and have a career that I enjoy and my life is better than I would ever have hoped.
I am most interested in moving forward, being as positive, useful and productive as possible.
I resent the *&^% out of the fact that I still feel I am doomed to failure because I am not "in recovery" attending meetings every night and the like.
I could go on and on, suffice it to say that I have definately been affected by that place, negatively, not to mention the rest of my family.
I do believe in moving ahead and only want to finally get those negative thoughts out of my head - thoughts I know wouldn't be so deeply rooted if they hadn't been planted there when I was totally vulnerable and unable to fight back.
Until I started looking at these posts, it never occurred to me that all the unpleasant things about that place, absence of light, lack of sleep, and food at times, were intentional.
I have succeeded in life IN SPITE of that place, I have formed normal relationships IN SPITE of that place. My sisters are still talking to me IN SPITE of how much they hated me when I got out of there. One of my sisters, a straight A student - never did anything wrong before this, tried to kill herself less than a year after we left there.
I wasn't the only one effected, they had no choice about graduating or not.
I do sincerely hope to hear, however, that people who really believed in the place- enough to turn around and make their living there, are capable of seeing the truth at some point too.

Noodle,
What a weird thing to think about: Staff had an agenda, either a personal agenda, or a professional one.
I was there trying to blend in, praying to God not to get called on, or working my butt off to get called on and really neither mattered.
I knew sometimes that some didn't like me, and I didn't ever get called on in those groups except to get screamed at.
Again, it makes me ashamed.  I was like some stupid little puppy dog begging for attention.
Did it ever occur to me that motivating was actually totally pointless except to entertain staff? Maybe, I wouldn't remember now.
After learning that when a graduate becomes staff, (I am not trying to be critical- just asking) how could anyone stay on as staff after learning those things? What a big giant lie!

Thank, and you too. I am very grateful for this. I was very upset with my husband for a day or so. Before I explained everything he was mad because I was "hurting myself" by dragging up bad memories.
I finally told him about it (I was sooooooooo ashamed, by the way) this  helped a lot.
Anyway, I don't think he would totally ever get it, however, the fact that he listened and now knows this about me is very comforting. Now I no longer feel that I am hiding something from him.

I avoided the topic of Straight for over 10 years. I got on with life, had a family, graduated college, made friends etc. It took a long time to quit separating myself from the people around me.

I didn't want to make myself a victim of that experience and chose to view it as something that made me stronger. NO WAY! I never got to cry, tell anyone in any real way what happenned to me, and I never got to feel it. I was in shock there and for a long time after.

I settled now into reality the more non program people I deal with. (By that I mean non Straightlings)

There are many opinions - so many types of people out there. I am continually learning from them and in a way soaking up their normality.

When I left Straight I only associated with negative, reforming drunks, they called themselves Book Nazis. Then I was still in a matter of speaking in Straight, only accepting and following the most extreme viewpoint I could find. When I finally left there when I turned 21 (of course)- I had the same experience all over again that I did when I defected from Straight.

I am so grateful I did that. I have discovered that no one is "normal", I have so much to learn from everyone.

My life is good now, calm, most of the things around me are positive. I just want to finally get rid of that crap inside my head that tells me that no matter how well I do, I will always be a "cop out".

I am never allowed to fully enjoy anything good. I still feel like I have to pay conscequences for my childhood. I have not made an excuse out of Straight, I have done well and am grateful for my life.

I am so appreciative of these posts, it's like I am reading the discussions that go on inside my head. The fact that there are people out there who feel what I feel and think what I think; like NO ONE has ever been able to do before has already become an encouragment. Is it possible to get over this crap  :eek: once and for all? I don't know, I just started reading these posts last week.
 :eek:

I would like to add my thoughts.
I chanted that for a long time: "My actions landed me in there".
They also got me raped, though I would never say that was something I endorse either.  :smile: I believed for many years that I needed to be in some sort of "recovery" program. There I also heard that without that program I would be dead. My parents didn't know what to do  with me, and the place ultimately saved my life.
Recently I have come to this:
Yes: my parents didn't know what to do with me. they couldn't handle the stress of my running away, twice coming home stoned and I think that was it. They blew the whole teenage thing out of proportion, in my opinion. I did however prove that I couldn't be trusted not to run away, sooo I suppose I was a threat to myself. My mother also was in denial about her mental problems and did not want to look at the fact that I might have the same thing going on, then she would have to acknowledge it.
I can also say that there is a good chance that worse things may have happenned to me had I stayed out on my own, however, that was my own fault. Since I had people to make decisions for me, my college money was spent: shouldn't I have gotten my money's worth?
We tried exactly one place before putting me in there. I have always felt it was more of a punishment than anything, no matter what they said.
My mother has since developed severe mental problems as well as chronic emphysema. She is a definate threat to herself and others I have had to become her guardian and figure out where to put her etc. I have had to make sure she had no car, hardly and money and is only out with nurses and folks who can supervise her.
She asked me: "Is this payback for Straight?"
My response was: "This would be a lot more painful for you if it were. You have the tv in your room, people take you out whenever you want" I listed some more things to her.
The point is, however, that I know it is pretty frieky when a loved one is out there running the streets. At the time you think they are dead,
I just wish they would have done some more research before putting me in there. That experience may have made me stronger in some ways, scrambled my head in regards to many others, made me doubt myself etc.
I do know, however that for some people the whole thing was worth it. That is a good thing. it is better than being pissed that thousands of $ went for that, not to mention over a year of my life.

I have come in search of straightlings for this very reason... I wanted to find this girl Teresa D. who was in Springfield with me in 1988. We were newcomers together a lot and I always felt she was treated horribly. She stood up, she talked, she did all the same crap as everyone else. She also pulled out every single lash or hair from around her eyes.
She was caught masturbating in her bed one night, or so they said. They were horrible to her. I hated myself for not saying something to them then. of course i couldn't say anything to her because we were both newcomers. I think I was probably even to afraid to make eye contact with her.
She is out of all of them the person I hope most of all is ok. I want to tell her I am sorry, not that there was much i could have done, but I left her alone. i could have given her something to let her know she wasn't alone.
Her mom and mine were friends while I was still in and my mom had left, leaving me at the mercy of that place and my dad who was totally whipped at the time. he was committed.
Anyway, I have a lot of guilt for so many things. For copping out, for not finishing, for restraining people, just to get a long. For relating to people when i really was just grasping at straws. For being an oldcommer, for not hitting some of those phsychos when they were up in my face.
I am still a wuss. I have admired those who did misbehave, though hated them at the same time as it meant more bruises, kicks, scratches and bites for me.
Anyway, you are 100% right, we wre all there just trying to get by. I think some of us were more aware of the conscequences of things going on around us that others as well.
Those misbehavers did make it to higher phases briefly and they ran their fingers down someone elses back too.
I don't think any of us were not at one time or other either the tortured or the torturers.
there were also those times when the newcomers could help each other a bit. In group she always tried to relate to me and I believe I did the sme for her if I was called on.
I just remembered that.

I was not in Kansas anymore, that was for sure. I was backed up against the wall in front of the entire group. This one fat older girl screaming in my face, spit flying out of her mouth. I was being confronted about what a lousy kid I was as I recall.
Total shock. I had never thought anything like this was possible. I was definately scared. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hit her to show what a bad ass I was or just stand there and take it. I took it, these guys seemed pretty serious.
I liked to run away from home, had just escaped from PI (Private Institute in Georgetown) and my parents had not a clue what to do with me.
The first night when I layed down in this strange bed in this strange house, I put my sneakers under the bed and I was planning how to get out of there. They took my shoes and I believe put them on the outside.
Of course the belt loops were scary, the crap about sharing feelings and drug lists, druggie friends, the lingo and all that was scary.
The cursing was the thing that got me. My mother always said when we left that she got out of there and cussed like a sailor.
I think it was the phasers who taught her that.
Anyway, I could go on and on.

I noticed that your description has you in Springfield in 1986. I was there from 1987, to early 1989.
I have been thinking about people from there, one girl in particular who came in around the time I did. She looked like Richard MArx and compulsively tore all the hair away from her eyes.
I am interested in talking with people from Striaght around that time.
The only movie I ever remember seeing was the Princess Bride. I believe this was for Christmas. This is my favorite movie still, probably because it was such a valuable experience at the time, who knows.
Thanks.