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Messages - SteveHHMD

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The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seed-------Did Art Barker succeed?
« on: September 19, 2005, 08:15:00 AM »
for Marshall

Dear Marshall,
I appreciate your faith in my constitution to survive what I was going through.  I do have friends who died.  One was murdered in a scam drug deal.   Another died in a motorcycle wreck (stoned?  I don't know.) One of my oldcomers from the Seed I believe is still in prison for some horrible crime he did that his mother wouldn't elaborate on. (Could this have been due to the nefarious effect of the Seed on him?)
Anyway, I don't know.  I have very mixed feelings...  I've always thought the degree of control the Seed had over me was inappropriately intense.   However, I can't get past the fact that the Seed saved my life.  I think it's analagous to the drowning man who had to be hit over the head to be saved.
This site is so polarized.  I wonder if the dividing line isn't between those whom the Seed helped and those whom it didn't.  I do believe that no one should suffer his entire life from some injustice inflicted years back.  We're built to survive.  No matter how bad any experience, what we do with it is up to ourselves.  I would encourage anyone here holding on to bitterness to let it go.  If you are trying to spare someone else from damage that had been inflicted on you, I think that's a noble pursuit.  But I wouldn't hold personal bitterness.  It will only hurt you worse.
This may be my last post.  I've appreciated the contact.  "I love you!"
Best wishes to all,
Steve

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The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seed-------Did Art Barker succeed?
« on: September 18, 2005, 02:49:00 PM »
Okay, that was part of why I included that information about myself ("drinking in moderation").  The point is, I needed a crutch for a time.  The Seed may have been a cult.  I don't know.  But after I got my life back, I was able to live my life and make my own choices.  I moved back to my home (Texas), and no-one tried to control me.   I stayed away from the people with whom I had used drugs, until I was at a place where I felt comfortable to do so.

I was dragged kicking and screaming to the Seed.  Could I have possibly survived without the Seed?  Maybe, but clearly SOMETHING had to change my life.  I suppose I could have been "saved" or something.  Maybe I could have gone to jail.  As long as my life was completely centered on drugs (as it was) I couldn't deal with what was really going on inside of me.  

I was interested to see John Underwood's posts.  If you read what he says, the things he says are all true.  We ARE all responsible for our actions.  We DO have problems with selfishness, justification etc. etc.  But it was also interesting to see the degree of harsh condescension.  "Why did WE fail?"  I believe that the truth is more complicated than that.   I believe that we generally do the best we can at the time with what we have.  I was grateful to see the truths that the Seed gave me.  I'm also grateful to have grown since then to understand more fully why I've been who I am.  Further, maybe some of those who John says have failed have in fact succeeded in adding goodness to this world.  

I think in life we've got to learn to take both the good and the bad, and make the best of all things.  I believe that the message of the Seed, that is, do good things, live honestly, and love those around you, is a simple guide to happiness.

Aside, when I was in the Seed, the leaders were John, Cliff, Robert, Susie B and Susie C, Libby, and Anne.  Anne was younger and very kind.  Is Art still alive?
Steve

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The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seed-------Did Art Barker succeed?
« on: September 18, 2005, 08:06:00 AM »
So, this is what I  remember:
Sitting on concrete floors all day long, the smell of stale cigarretes, the singing, finally learning how to feel again.  12 hours a day, then 10 hours a day.  I know that I would be in the ground because I know that I would be in the ground.  I had no conception back then at 15, that I would ever live to be 20.  I had used every drug under the sun and when I took 41 10mg valiums, my dat put me on a plane and sent me to Ft. Lauderdale.  We all have our own story.  My real issues weren't about drugs.  But drugs terribly complicated the whole process of dealing with my issues.  When I see people who  use meth, (almost every day) as an infectious disease doctor, I have my little drug talk with them.  It goes something like this:
I don't know anyone who uses drugs who is happy.
People start out for whatever reason.  When they use drugs, they dig themselves into a hole of unhappiness.  The more unhappy, the more they use, the deeper the hole.  It's hard to crawl out.  
I'm 46 now.  It hasn't been easy.  I've been divorced .  I've gotten therapy.  I understand a little more about reasons for my own unhappiness.  I drink alcohol in moderation, don't do anything else,  
Can casual drug users be happy?  I don't know.  I see a lot of apparently well-adjusted people who smoke marijuana.  I've learned not to judge those around me.  If anyone doubts that I would be dead now if it weren't for the seed it's okay.  But you don't know me.  I'm just thankful to still be here, learning how to love those around me and myself.  (Especially my new 9 week old daughter, Sofia Grace)
Best to all
Steve

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The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seed-------Did Art Barker succeed?
« on: September 17, 2005, 09:03:00 PM »
I spent about a year with Art, Libby, John, Suzy.  ('75-76 Ft Lauderdale) When I look back on it, I cringe at the degree of control those people had over me.  But the truth was, I was dying and would not have survived.  I went thru the program, then I grew up.  At the time, I needed a crutch, the control to keep me from self-distructing.  I don't believe in black and white anymore, see most things in shades of grey.  But I must say I would be in the earth right now were it not for the Seed.  I consider it, in retrospect, temporary mind control for a mind that was totally out of control.  I love life now.  I wouldn't say I'm proud of having needed the Seed.  But I must also say there's nothing wrong with honesty, love of self, and love of others.  As a doctor I care for many wayward souls.  Many  of these don't make it.  Sometimes drastic measures are needed for drastic problems.
Steve

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