Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

Aaron ,

This whole thing did go south rather quickly, didn't it?
Scott :cool:

A few years ago I went to a concert and was close by to Springfield. I found the old Straight building (which is now a plumbing or lighting store). Anyhow, I got out of the car and went around back to the parking lot where the phasers were dropped off and picked up. It was now very overgrown with weeds and looked a lot different but, I just stood there and instantly had about 300 flash backs of when I was there....it was very eerie....I just stood there and started to cry, I could do nothing else but, cry! The emotions that I felt were just a flood. I miss people from there and I also feel guilt and regret for how I treated some people. I know then that I thought I was doing the right thing by freaking out on people that I thought was full of shit and I thought that these people would die if we weren't like this to them. I mean this is what was taught to us. People were like that to me when I was new and even when I was honest later on higher phases. Jesus, that place was no walk in the park and I still struggle with huge amounts of insecurities today and I still fear what people think of me. I have learned to force and push myself through it most times now but, I truely don't think I will ever get over that shit totally. I still find myself at times thinking about the place and specific situations like it was yesterday and I graduated in 89 for God sakes. The one thing I can say that I would not trade in the world is a friend that I met in their that specifically kept my ass from relapsing and / potential suicide twice in the 15 years since I have been out. If I would have never been placed there regardless of all the mind fucking and pain in or after Straight...I would have not ever met this person. And I can also relate to the hosty thing in the real world, I remember going to a meeting after graduating terrified out of my skull and all I could do is cry violently and then when people could finally begin to understand me I decided to tell them that I was mollested and I think I avoid feelings by masturbating to much and that meant I was gonna relapse. I am not sure that particular AA meeting was quite ready for that type of honesty coming out of a 15 year old boy that already had over a year and half of sobriety. Holy Shit was I fucked up!! Thank God the silence ended after my sharing moment in that meeting. Everyone just sat there after I said what I said and finally stopped crying. The men in that meeting did not know what to do, let alone how to respond. I remember a older woman finally chimed in with tears in her eyes and welcomed me. I dunno what she all said anymore but she kind of took me under her wing and then a few more people started to talk to me as time passed, then I slowly....very slowly started to realize that Straight was not sobriety or recovery and I really knew next to nil anything about recovery or reality. Being in Straight and then being released like an animal back into the real world was probabley the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. A normal person would respond to me then you should be so proud and confident and secure in your life. Well, I am far from any of that. I also hate the awareness bull shit that I took with from Straight that always tends to creep up allowing me to judge everyone or not trust anyone....that I see. Amazes me what can be drilled and learned in a stay at Straight(average 1-2 years)and 13 years of trying to get rid of most of what I was taught. The torture that I must have put old girlfriends and some others through after I got out of Straight must have been insane but, I only ever believed I was doing the right thing for them or for myself at the time. I never that I can recall ever wanted to intentionally hurt anyone....thats the ironic thing. I am just glad that their was some other people or at least one person that got to go through this specifically with me in and out. I also know that I have a very strong bond with just about anyone that ever went through Straight whether I know them or not and regardless of their present state or situation. It's scarey to think that there is probabley a ton of people out there in the wild that think like I did and still do at times.

looking for anyone or info about people and how they are doing?

I was in Va program fom 88-89

I was in Straight in Springfield from 5/25/88-11/02/89 and would really like to find anyone that was there at the same time period. I often think about friends and people and how they are doing today but, have lost contact with almost everyone.