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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / I'm Sorry!
« on: April 04, 2006, 07:18:00 PM »
I was in straight in 85-87. I got out and was on staff for about 2yrs or so, having left several staff 2 or 3 times, but somehow always ended up back on staff. After I left staff the last time, I got up & out of Dodge (ok, Springfield) after the guy I was dating (also on staff) held a gun to my head, threatened my family & stalked me. I moved 2000 miles away only to move in with someone else I knew in straight. The friendship fell out after some rather bad shit happened to me, she couldn?t deal with it (she actually told me this to my face?thanks for being honest) and I attempted to kill myself. Another friend drove me to the hospital while I was unconscious & there I sat in a PI for a couple of weeks. After that, I wanted nothing to do with anyone from that place. After another fucked up relationship, I came back home with my daughter. That was 11 yrs ago. I haven?t spoken with anyone from straight, I have tried very hard not to think or talk about straight, or repeat anything that I had see or done to myself or other people. I have gotten calls from old friends and newcomers, but I could not bring myself to return the calls. I truly wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything from that place.
About a month ago, I got a phone call from an old newcomer. I suppose if the caller ID read her name, I wouldn?t have answered the phone, but it showed Private Caller and I answered - for whatever reason. She was actually calling to say ?thanks? for treating her like a human (her words not mine), rather then the disrespect and mistreatment that she had gotten, right down to the medical treatment that she was denied and desperately needed. I was dumbfounded about the things that she was telling me. She told me about this site and others like thestraights.com, the people that I knew that killed themselves and the things that people were going through. I was glad to hear that she was at least surviving, and told her that I was truly sorry about the things that happened to her and the repercussions that it had on her. She will be paying the price - physically - for the rest of her life??I haven?t seen a post from you in a while on here & I don?t know if you are reading this now. Either way - I am so sorry, I should have done more to help you!!!!
After getting off the phone with her, I think I spent about 3-4 hours online reading and reading and then rereading because I had no idea that any of this was out here. I was in complete and total shock about the things that I read. The law suites, the abuse, the beatings, the rapes, everything. I had no fucking clue that any of this was going on. I know that the place was hell - I added to that hell for A LOT of people - for that I am truly sorry. I realized what I had done way too late (many years after the fact). But I was in total shock reading. For the first time since I can?t remember when, I had no fucking clue how I felt and I didn?t like it at all. It was so surreal. How could this really have been happened?
I think the one that got me the most was reading about Glenn S. and how he killed himself. He always seemed like such a strong person and a roll model and a friend. I had to stop reading at that point (of course this had nothing to do with the fact that it was 2am and I had to get up in 3 & ½ hrs).
I woke up the next morning, going through the motions of getting ready for work: shower, ok done, brush the teeth & hair, ok done, get the coffee?..bust out in tears?..shit, get yourself together??wake up the child, get her moving, do the make-up?..shit, wash the tears off the face?.do the make-up again?.damn it, wash the tears again??fuck it?.no make-up?.get in the car & drive to work. OK, call this client?.run this report?.dry the eyes - again?..attempt to explain to the boss why I have to leave after being there for an hour. Thank god for having a laid back boss & lots of vacation time. I spent the next 2 days in my sweets, reading and reading and remembering things that had been long forgotten, and then attempting to explain to my mother that I really was ok?..bull shit, but hey, I?ve gotten through worse, right?
I spent the next 2 weeks finding myself rushing home from work to get on this site to read more. It was like a whole new addiction. I couldn?t read enough. I spent a lot of time crying. There was a part of me that was extremely grateful that I actually turned out ok (for the most part). Then I felt bad for feeling good. Then I was like "God damn that place has got me playing fucking head games .....20 yrs later!" I?m not saying that I have not gone through my fair share of shit because I have and I know that it?s largely because of the hell that I have brought upon other people. I had to step away for a time and now, I?m finding myself back here.
I guess the guilt is eating at me and I need to say to say to everyone that I fucked up while I was on staff or any other point in my tenure?..I?m sorry. I was one of the people that spent a lot of time yelling at people and telling them that I thought they were full of shit, and so on and so forth - we all know the type of ?straightling? I?m talking about. I know that I did this initially while on my phases to get people off my back and I guess I feel into the ?straight way? and never got out of it. I went on staff because I wanted to help people - I just didn?t know any other way to help people other then what I had been taught.
If you have read though this whole thing, I thank you because god damn, its long.
Dragonfly - you had asked me in a PM if I would be willing to partake in a gathering at Backlick Rd. after inviting the press to help explain how 20yrs later, people are still suffering. Count me in!! I can?t believe that there are other straight-type programs out there that are still performing the same practices. If there is something that I can do to help stop this from happening to any other kids, I will do it - it is my responsibility to do so now that I am aware of this on going problem.
The best thing that I have learned from my child is the wonders of her personality in all it's willfulness is that it?s hers. It?s not mine. My job as her mother is to help guide her through childhood, teach her values and allow her to make her own decisions in life for that is what makes her a person. She is not mine to control. An likewise, other children in this world are not their parents to control for that is nothing but their inability to cope with their own problems.
About a month ago, I got a phone call from an old newcomer. I suppose if the caller ID read her name, I wouldn?t have answered the phone, but it showed Private Caller and I answered - for whatever reason. She was actually calling to say ?thanks? for treating her like a human (her words not mine), rather then the disrespect and mistreatment that she had gotten, right down to the medical treatment that she was denied and desperately needed. I was dumbfounded about the things that she was telling me. She told me about this site and others like thestraights.com, the people that I knew that killed themselves and the things that people were going through. I was glad to hear that she was at least surviving, and told her that I was truly sorry about the things that happened to her and the repercussions that it had on her. She will be paying the price - physically - for the rest of her life??I haven?t seen a post from you in a while on here & I don?t know if you are reading this now. Either way - I am so sorry, I should have done more to help you!!!!
After getting off the phone with her, I think I spent about 3-4 hours online reading and reading and then rereading because I had no idea that any of this was out here. I was in complete and total shock about the things that I read. The law suites, the abuse, the beatings, the rapes, everything. I had no fucking clue that any of this was going on. I know that the place was hell - I added to that hell for A LOT of people - for that I am truly sorry. I realized what I had done way too late (many years after the fact). But I was in total shock reading. For the first time since I can?t remember when, I had no fucking clue how I felt and I didn?t like it at all. It was so surreal. How could this really have been happened?
I think the one that got me the most was reading about Glenn S. and how he killed himself. He always seemed like such a strong person and a roll model and a friend. I had to stop reading at that point (of course this had nothing to do with the fact that it was 2am and I had to get up in 3 & ½ hrs).I woke up the next morning, going through the motions of getting ready for work: shower, ok done, brush the teeth & hair, ok done, get the coffee?..bust out in tears?..shit, get yourself together??wake up the child, get her moving, do the make-up?..shit, wash the tears off the face?.do the make-up again?.damn it, wash the tears again??fuck it?.no make-up?.get in the car & drive to work. OK, call this client?.run this report?.dry the eyes - again?..attempt to explain to the boss why I have to leave after being there for an hour. Thank god for having a laid back boss & lots of vacation time. I spent the next 2 days in my sweets, reading and reading and remembering things that had been long forgotten, and then attempting to explain to my mother that I really was ok?..bull shit, but hey, I?ve gotten through worse, right?
I spent the next 2 weeks finding myself rushing home from work to get on this site to read more. It was like a whole new addiction. I couldn?t read enough. I spent a lot of time crying. There was a part of me that was extremely grateful that I actually turned out ok (for the most part). Then I felt bad for feeling good. Then I was like "God damn that place has got me playing fucking head games .....20 yrs later!" I?m not saying that I have not gone through my fair share of shit because I have and I know that it?s largely because of the hell that I have brought upon other people. I had to step away for a time and now, I?m finding myself back here.
I guess the guilt is eating at me and I need to say to say to everyone that I fucked up while I was on staff or any other point in my tenure?..I?m sorry. I was one of the people that spent a lot of time yelling at people and telling them that I thought they were full of shit, and so on and so forth - we all know the type of ?straightling? I?m talking about. I know that I did this initially while on my phases to get people off my back and I guess I feel into the ?straight way? and never got out of it. I went on staff because I wanted to help people - I just didn?t know any other way to help people other then what I had been taught.
If you have read though this whole thing, I thank you because god damn, its long.
Dragonfly - you had asked me in a PM if I would be willing to partake in a gathering at Backlick Rd. after inviting the press to help explain how 20yrs later, people are still suffering. Count me in!! I can?t believe that there are other straight-type programs out there that are still performing the same practices. If there is something that I can do to help stop this from happening to any other kids, I will do it - it is my responsibility to do so now that I am aware of this on going problem.
The best thing that I have learned from my child is the wonders of her personality in all it's willfulness is that it?s hers. It?s not mine. My job as her mother is to help guide her through childhood, teach her values and allow her to make her own decisions in life for that is what makes her a person. She is not mine to control. An likewise, other children in this world are not their parents to control for that is nothing but their inability to cope with their own problems.