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« on: February 11, 2004, 09:00:00 AM »
What do you think of this? Its on the FAQ's page for parents thinking of enrolling a teen in a certain center..this is info given to the parents..
Q What is the most predictable variable that accounts for positive and/or negative outcomes?
A You are. The single most important variable for treatment failure or mediocre outcome is a parent who is not committed to the process. This, inevitably spells disaster and is a waste of money and other resources.
This lack of commitment is manifested in different forms. Some parents are consciously aware of how they might stifle the process, while most parents, unconsciously feed into maladaptive patterns under the firm belief that they are doing the best for the child. Let us briefly address some of these patterns.
Making a Deal under the Table is a self-defeating pattern for both parent and child that inevitably comes to roost after discharge. Motivation for such a ?deal?varies but sabotages treatment and renders the Center powerless in bringing about lasting change with the child. Let us give you some examples:
The parent is pressured by the child into coming home for a visit without the treatment team's approval and recommendation.
A parent is persuaded by Mr. Manipulation to come home for good as soon as he achieves the ?Impact? status without consultation with the treatment team.
You can readily see the pattern. A parent, feeling guilty for the ?pain?the child has to go through as part of the treatment process, feels compelled to ?throw the child a bone.? Holding a ?carrot? in front of the child is well and good, but not without the inclusion and discussion of the treatment team. The result of this type of misplaced reward or poor attempt of behavior modification inevitably spells disaster. The child is coached to put on an act in order to gain a short term reward without internalizing a genuine change.
Inevitably, every year a small handful of parents fall into this trap. When we become aware of this ?secret deal making?, we ask the parent to withdraw their child from the Center as we simply are rendered powerless to bring about genuine change in the youngster.
?Enmeshment?or Blurred Boundaries between the role of Parent and Child ? is a problem that is particularly difficult to rectify as many parents who are enmeshed with their child are ?blind? of the situation. Without rehearsing a number of psychiatric and psychological terminologies, let us give you a few examples:
Even though the rules are that a resident on ?Orientation? Status is restricted to one phone call home per week, and the therapist has a weekly phone session with the family, the parent calls the Center every day, inquiring of anybodyshe can get a hold of, about the general well being of her child.
On a phone call home, the child tells his parents that he is depressed, and doesn?t know if he can make it through the rest of the week without ?blowing up and losing his level.? He states that the teachers don?t give him any help in school, and his houseparents pick on him, expecting more from him than any other kid on his team. The parents respond to the child by sharing their frustration about this and reassure him that they will take care of it. They call and ask that the therapist be pulled out of a session for an urgent call. Once on the phone, they state that they?ve just talked to their son, and he seems desperate. They ask that the therapist meet with him right away to prevent him from blowing up. They share their concern that the child is not getting the help he needs, and that until he does, he should not be accountable for his actions. When a child shares her disappointment with her father that she was denied a level she applied for, he immediately contacts the center, demanding to know the reason why. He suggests that this disappointment is not helpful to his daughter?s self-esteem, and that perhaps the expectations placed on her are too high. During a family therapy session, a child?s therapist confronts him in front of his parents about his recent aggressive and bullying behavior towards several of his teammates. She outlines the hurtful impact of this behavior, and establishes a further consequence should this behavior continue. When she asks the parents how they feel about this, his mother, clearly upset, states that she is uncomfortable with the stern tone of voice used by the therapist. She suggests that maybe before the therapist singles out their son, she should find out what her son?s teammates may have done to provoke him. A child is placed at Island View by her parents for drug dependency, oppositional defiance and depression. In family therapy, her parents disclose that they have had marital problems for many years. Her mother also shares with the therapist that she was not as supportive of sending her daughter away to Island view, but that he was adamant about placing him. Together, they acknowledge that they often use their daughter as a buffer to avoid dealing with their relationship problems. They agree to see a marriage counselor at home to address these problems. After five months of treatment, the mother calls her child?s therapist and tells him that she is pulling her daughter from treatment. She states that her daughter has cried nonstop during the last three phone calls, and she feels she is losing her spirit. She states that she will arrive at Island view by the weekend to pick her up. When the therapist asks if the child?s father feels the same way, the mother states that they are separating with the intention to divorce. She decides to rescue her daughter and bring her back home to live with her.
On a phone call home, a child tells his mother he is confused about a recent intervention, and voices frustration about how to handle it. His mother, having just heard from the therapist the purpose of the intervention, wants to help her son feel better. She tells him why they are doing it, and what emotion they are trying to illicit from him. She suggests to her son that if he just gave his staff what they are looking for, they would probably get off his back.
All of these case examples have the same underlying flaws of a parent-child relationship. What is it they all share in common? Parents who use the child to deal with their own problems or parents who fail the child by not allowing the adolescent to deal wi th the consequences of his or her behavior.
While it is normal and to a degree expected for a parent to protect a child, some parents literally Òprotect their childÓ into profound psycho-social pathology. How do they do it? By mitigating, rescuing and ?red-crossing? the child from experiencing the natural consequences for maladapticve behavior Ð often, the very behavior for which the parent is seeking treatment for the child.
Now, that the child is in treatment where these issues are being addressed in a fashion that is increasingly ?manipulative proof,? the parent ?doesn?t have the stomach? to assist the treatment team to bring about significant changes. Why? Because many parents are so insecure that they perceive that an unadulterating coalition with the treatment professionals is some type of abandonment of the child. Such parents feel that if David is uncomfortable or experiences pain (the pain of true change) or perceives some injustice has been done, the expression of sympathy is the only acceptable response. This type of thinking is fueled by the devastating misconception that if ?I don?t sympathize, my child will reject me forever. And since I ? don?t have a lot of money in David ? bank, I do not want to gamble away the last thing I am holding on to.
Nothing could be further from the truth. By chronically giving in, placating the child by removing all discomfort and struggle, parents sacrifice their own child at the alter of personal insecurities, guilt and a distorted sense of intimacy and closeness. That?s enmeshment.
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