Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

why don't we all cut ourselves for matching scars too?  :scared:  Not saying the survivor part is not a good thing but the advertisement says that it defines you when you wear it. Why don't we try supporting ourselves without needing to prove anything, for a change? To me it's like wearing a "Rape survivor" tee or something. My opinion, which usually gets jumped on by various and sundry anyway. peace. :smile:

Funny that most of the responses that are poorly thought out - if at all, considering they don't even say anything intelligent - and verbally abusive to boot, are from the people this post is obviously about. Nice way of proving the point while attempting to intimidate. YAAAAAY CRACKA'S!

...and ps, EVIDENTLY I'm really going to pay a lot of attention to such scintillating comments as have been posted  :roll:

I also wonder about that anonymous piece of paper and why we had to sign it. My intake was about 6 hours, give or take - I'm guessing at it because I got into that cell in the a.m. sometime and by the time I got out they had just finished serving up the liverwurst slab on plain bread for evening meal - and I kept telling them if I was going to be admitted with or without my consent, just fucking DO IT! why do I have to sign this? I don't want to be here so why do I have to put my name to it if it's not my choice... There was never an answer for that question and so we just kept going round and round about the drug list and "what got me there" or whatever. I never read the papers either, and have always wanted to see all that shit and whatever other 'files' they kept on me.

I also want to touch on how little control anyone has, who goes to see a counselor of any kind, over what that person writes down about them. Not saying all counselors are sketchy, but I would suggest requesting they don't write what you are saying down, but summarize at the end and allow you to see it...

My parents had taken me to a couple of psych's before going to the program - since our fucked-up family dynamics were not on trial, but as the only one rebelling against them, I was - and only in a Girls' Rap a while later, some shit was brought out to surprise me with, from some documentation they had gotten FROM THE FREAKIN PSYCHIATRIST, and it wasn't even what I was talking about to that fucker! I went 4 times, 3 without speaking a word, and the 4th I tried to verbalize something about what was happening. That shithead was obviously not even listening anyway, to have taken what I said and twisted it like he did... I am glad it was the only thing I said, 'cause right after it came out, I had that sense of futility you get when you are talking to a brick wall, so I stopped... didn't stop him from writing some shit down that later I got blind-sided with... The part that galled me was that they took what HE wrote for truth, not what I said, like that guy was god for being the doctor and my thoughts were negligible as the 'patient'. Fuck. I remember how livid I was trying to defend my own truth against what they said I did, and of course that was the story the group kept. Same as when they used to dredge up shit later on to confront you with and twisted it around. I used to cringe listening to something someone was confronting another person on and I'd think 'that wasn't what they said/did' but you couldn't say that or the rabid pack would turn slavering on you... Wow.

I have been trying for a few days now - ever since the sudden influx of racist shit posts started up - to figure out how to approach my total revulsion to what is happening. I was under the impression that there is some control over what shows up on this board, and the spreading of hate should not be allowed. I don't care what ignorant shit people spew in their own tawdry existences - although it does appall me that they are most likely damaging other people based on such inanities as skin colour - but it sickens me that such cretins exist to such a degree that they can converse about mindless violence, and it is seemingly an acceptable topic. I refuse to comment directly to such putrid specimens of 'humanity' but can only hope for random car crashes resulting in total paralysis, to cure the problem...

I often wonder about the coping mechanisms as well, Withdraw... I too was frozen for 6 months, for "copping an attitude" at a graduate when I was sat down in the middle of a very real trauma I was trying to figure out. I was just so enraged that I was actually attempting to discuss something that truly bothered me, that had happened, and that this person was saying was bullshit that I had "no feelings" about! I did nothing more than shoot them a scathing look and flip off a bit at them as I was sitting down... Of course I was stood up and screamed at about my lack of respect and gratitude and then yanked down while being told I was frozen on my day. I did not even realize what that meant until I went home the FOLLOWING night to write my MI and they screamed at me again that I had written the following day down. THEN I was told that I was not moving ahead, was not allowed to talk, was not allowed to EARN talk and would be "wasting (my) fucking life" from then on. Every Monday and Friday in homes I was just stood up and ridiculed and yelled at about how I was going to go nowhere blah blah blah...

Now, the reason I mentioned the coping stuff is that I struggled with the opposite but I think equally torturous response to you while frozen because I kept trying and getting nowhere, hopelessly, day in day out, unable to get up and speak and ignored except when stood up to be ridiculed and confronted. See, from the second I was put in the program, regardless of the fact that I had been lied to by my parents and coerced into going, I literally COULD NOT put my hands down and stop at least trying to get out... because I believed I was stuck till I got myself out, because I was too certain my parents were locked in and brainwashed, because I detest violence and was traumatized by the effects of the restraints every day, because I was from another country and had no clue where the hell I even WAS, to try to run anyway (not to mention that I was there on orders of my parents and was told I would just be screwed if I hit the border because I would be sent back), and for a host of other personal reasons.

I guess the point is that I do believe that each of us has our own "hell low point" and I also think firmly that the being frozen was one of the lowest and more horrible ways of fucking with people's heads and your thread brought this back to me also...

My thoughts are that in a way, this is what the boards are all for - because people outside can not, even in imagination, fathom what such a thing would be like, except on a purely hypothetical and short-term level. In the same way as people remove themselves from feeling the tragedy of a documentary film about abuse or any other foul occurrence for any period of time after watching it, thus, even our loved ones can only go so far with us. They feel terribly about it while it is "playing", shocked and traumatized even, but since it is too much reality and they feel they can not do anything about it anyway, soon afterwards it will be relegated to something that pops up in their minds once in a while but that becomes something they'd rather not think about too much. People don't typically watch the heavy, truly disturbing flicks more than once or twice, and because - as Starry mentioned - they really feel unsettled that it happens at all.

My partner is the best friend I've ever had, and he too was truly outraged upon hearing about the program (took me just over a year to tell him at all, as I had gotten so sick of dealing with it - and so used to being private about what I would go through)... but I keep it as just one of the things he needed to know that is now in the past. I think part of the response is that when people hear they are just too shocked and hurt for you to do much more than listen. After time, they start to process it, and then they start to think 'what would I have done', 'why didn't he/she just do this...', 'how could he/she have let that happen...' etc etc... which they can never tell because they WEREN'T there, and COULD NOT know how they would have responded or what we should have done differently, or how we could have allowed what happened. I don't know if this makes sense, but since they meet us as people in the 'real world', who would now NEVER let such things happen to us again, they can not relate to us as scared, fucked up kids under siege, who responded simply to survive in that environment. We were different people then, people our loved ones can't see us being, so they distance from "that other person" because it is too alien to join to the one they are with now.

It is funny - ironic, not haha - that they can deal with and incorporate so many other 'past' stories (including the "horrible druggie past" we were told to shun) but can not cope with thinking about how we lived, day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year in those places.

Kinda new at the whole posting thing, but reading this thread brought back so much shit.

I think one of the worst things was getting set back for some crap that never would have occurred to you would be held against you... after about 2 years of up and down the phase game i finally got to go to a tiny one-room christian 'school' (and oh-so-gratefully did i trot off to it, dressed in my pearly rehab togs); got set back 5 days later, because i had played pool with my teacher. Pool was apparently seen as a huge druggie tie and i was evidently seen being 'coy and flirtatious' (ie laughing and enjoying myself) with the old man... then i came back to the building and was in such a good mood that i was singing a Queen song while helping to make the evening slop. Obviously that didn't go over too well either!

When I was brought into group off 'responsibilities' and stood up, to 'talk about my day at school' - as they used to scape-goat people into doing so the poor saps stuck to the blue chairs would feel properly jealous of others being able to go out off-leash - I was side-swiped and sand-blasted, set back immediately and frozen... It is one of the times I remember feeling the most totally fucking discouraged cause i really saw i would never know how to grasp all the shit you could not do, unless i just totally became something i couldn't be - a drone without tastes, without hobbies, without anything but the program...

I could never get the hang of WHY reading, singing, dancing, pool, etc would kill you, bring you back to drugs insanity death...