Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: hedwigfan on September 19, 2002, 08:04:00 PM
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This will sound really stupid, but I remember sitting in group on 1st phase, daydreaming about busting out the side doors, running down Austell Road, and finding someplace where I could eat some birthday cake. I don't know if it's because of all the little games the kitchen workers would play with food rations or if I was truly nuts...
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Austell road fantasies were often centered around food if I remember correctly. We had like all Po' Folks all the time for a while. God did it suck. Good chicken every now and then, but egad, how much is enough...
I felt that way about birthday cake too, as I turned 15 after 18 mos in program, was misbehaving, and the staff wouldn't let me have any of the rather expensive cake for group my parents bought. Two birthdays in a row and neither time was I allowed to have any. T2wisted jerks.
Bill
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I also remember this bizarre thing people would do with their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...At your oldcomer's, you'd get that economy-sized bucket o' peanut butter, and slather it on as thick as your oldcomer would permit. At lunchtime, you would try to make it last as long as you could by picking off all the bread until there was nothing left but a thick slab of peanut butter...Absolutely twisted. I wonder how many eating disorders blossomed while sitting in group...
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I was over 18, on 5th phase, and I got set back for not letting my nuke, a misbehaivor, eat the cake, before I searched it for contraban, in the car on the ride home. First phase set back for this?!?!?
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ah yes, day dreams.......I remember sitting on front row in the St. Pete Building looking out of the roll up doors at the Park Avenue overpass that ran near Tyrone Square Mall. I used to fantasize that I would be in one of those cars that were traveling on the overpass taking me to freedom. Last year, my wife and I visited the old building in St. Pete. One of the roll up doors was open and we went inside and just walked around. It was very strange. I then went out front of the building by the parking lot and stared at the overpass for a good long time. On the way home my wife drove on the overpass and I caught a glimpse of the building as we drove by. FINALLY, MY FANTASY CAME TRUE........IT WAS TRULEY AMAZING!!
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My first few weeks at Straight were nothing more than wondering what was for dinner.. lol. Wondering "what host home will I be sent to next?".
After a few months I was staying in the same place during the week and had the same old comer. I was pretty annoyed by that because my old comer was a bit mean and she would always take us in her basement every morning so she could curl her hair and make us freeze our butts off waiting for her. (her name was Erin Sower, in case anyone remembers her).
I began to realize that it would be the same old place and then starting to wonder where would I end up on the weekends? If nothing else I got a great tour of Michigan and practically know where places and cities are located.
I also paid attention to where they were taking me, most of the time I would end up in Lansing on weekends, quite a ways from my home in Sterling Hgts. but I looked forward to long car rides because I could finish my MI and not worry about it, sometimes I would do a day in advance and people wouldn't even know it.. lol
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On 2002-09-20 16:57:00, Tampa survivor wrote:
Austell road fantasies were often centered around food if I remember correctly. We had like all Po' Folks all the time for a while. God did it suck. Good chicken every now and then, but egad, how much is enough...
I felt that way about birthday cake too, as I turned 15 after 18 mos in program, was misbehaving, and the staff wouldn't let me have any of the rather expensive cake for group my parents bought. Two birthdays in a row and neither time was I allowed to have any. T2wisted jerks.
Bill
blegh! The dinners were always the worst. At least lunch wasn't so bad cause it's pretty hard to screw up a pbj and an apple.
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do any of you remember the "hash" they fed us in st. pete? it was a mixture of tiny cubes of potatoes, eggs, and "meat" that resembled cat food. they also gave us a pile of mashed potatoes with a few "meatballs" and gravy on it. another healthful dish was beans and franks. remember the fake butter pats on paper? to this day, i don't like eating with plastic utensils.
hedwigfan, i remember doing the same thing with pb&j! i'd forgotten about that strange way we ate those sandwiches. which straight and what years were you in?
btw, what kind of doc are you? i'm a doc, too, but now stay home with my kids.
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ACCCKKKK....I had forgotten that wonderful hash the strange bitch in the kitchen at st pete would whip up. How about that nasty cool aid syrup shit that if some dumb 2nd phaser mixed wrong was just like glucose tolerance test syrup. Lovely hypertonic drink on a fine 96 degree Florida day.
I remember those Atlanta bag lunches too...I got busted so many times putting "too much" pnut butter on them that staff required my oldcomers to make em thin for me. Misbehavior diet was pnut butter 7-24 for me, and the last stretch I did first phasing, I would eat my apple ,if lucky enough to get one, completely, core,seeds, and stem. Pretty bad to know you are starving at 15. Worse was getting caught peeling the baseboard plastic in St Pete (GandyABC rooms)and chewing the glue they used to stick 'em to the stucco. Some staffer asked what I was doing after a snitch ratted me out....I got stood up, told em that the glue got me high, and was started over. I noticed a few days later another hell raiser doing it too. Sucker believed it when I had just been bored and jerking them around.
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Straight in Plymouth didn't have emergancy food so to speak, we made our lunches from our host homes and brought them in. However, if we didn't make one or didn't have time, we were stuck eating "ghetto" pb and jelly. A few times lunches were brought in by host parents and there were a few times that they were short on a couple and I ended up sharing a lunch with someone, which wasn't bad. As far as "rations" we may have had some, but we wern't allowed to look in the cupboard to find out, they were off limits, so I don't know if staff had a stash or not, it seems like they didn't because if we didn't have food, it seems like we were SOL. They had some cupboard space, what was in those cupboards, I have no idea.
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When I got into the program in Dec of 83, we had po Folks on Sundays only. It always seemed like they dug around in the bottom of the fryers to find the most disgusting piece of grease laden chicken to send out to the program. I believe the program got a big discount by accepting substandard food, the chicken was never hot- a serious food bore illness risk and the rest of the meal was generall inedible.
For dinner the rest of the week we ate food from some awful caterer. It was like prison food, I think, there was pretty much the same thing week after week, the greens were the worst- Collards and other bitter greens served with no seasoning, cooked till they were mush.
Sometime in mid summer of 84 I think a Mom took on the kitchen, they got it remodeled, and mananged to start serving their own food, it was a damn sight better than the catering. But then there was the whole 'KP' drama- people touching knifes, should I cop out while taking out the garbage? etc.
I can't remember the name of the home but in at least one host home we were basically starved. They took the food that newcomer paretns sent and fed their own kids with it adn left the rest of us in the home to go to bed hungry. I can remember this bitch of a woman telling me that they had no obligation to give me any food except a lunch and at breakfast. we were allowed a bagel for breakfast, and only the famous PBJ sandwich for lunch.
How many times were people told that food was distraction from their drug problems? Who knows.
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Man I remember that nasty food. How about the wonderful SPAM. My spouse bought it once I saw it in the cubbard got real angry and threw it out. My spouse said "Guess I wont buy spam anymore".
Or does anyone remember those god awful stale donuts in the morgan yaught building. The ones you could use as a hockey puck. How about the fact that you had five minutes to eat and then "pass it down" if you werent done too bad..
I am the faster eater on florida's west coast still. Im done with my dinner at home before anyone else even manages to pick up their silverware.
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LoL, it doesn't stop there for me, I have 15 minutes to eat at work and that's it.. since I'm only part time I have to scarf my food quick
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Oh my gosh... It never occurred to me that I eat like a maniac because of that place. That's right we did have to eat fast. (shaking my head) what a mind fuck.
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Wouldn't that cause indigestion and heartburn? hmm.. I see some medical problems that Straight is to still blame for now .. (evil grin)
[ This Message was edited by: ladyjerrico on 2002-10-15 18:47 ]
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In St Pete I remember someone made mullet stew and it was terrible! I remember being so hungry I would eat watermelon rinds. And, I remember as we approached the window to get our food looking for the cup with the most in it. If you got one with lots of ice you could suck on the ice and savor it for awhile- that was a good day...
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[ This Message was edited by: KnottyKitty on 2005-08-09 14:44 ]
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In prison you get 5 minutes to eat..and its perfectly legal...
They merely have to give you the "opportunity" to eat....if you get booted from the chow line for looking at a guard funny...well you just fucked your "opportunity" off
Then again Prison = adult conv criminals
Straight Inc = innocent kids
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Reading the posts about p'nut butter reminded me of the dreaded "swimmers" served in the Morgan Yacht Building. They were frozen PBJ sandwiches served on open meeting nights and they were NASTY! ::puke::
One recurring daydream involved palmetto bushes. I remember when the program moved to Frontage Rd off Gandy the building was surrounded by palmetto bushes and there were days when the doors were opened in an attempt to cool us off but all it did was blow around hot air. Anyway, I remember sitting there, looking out upon that vast seas of bushes and wondered where they would lead if I split. My dream was that they would lead me to the beach then I could make my way up the gulf coast.
Another daydream involved certain staff members- their arrogance was disgusting! I would sit in my seat and listen to them lead a rap and imagined how good it would feel to beat the arrogant crap out of them. Oh, I really loved those daydreams.
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Hey Erin I miss you!!!! Where the hell are you?
your host sister,
The other Erin
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Those were the days, weren't they, gduncan? Remember, YOU put yourself there. Not me, not your parents.
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[ This Message was edited by: KnottyKitty on 2005-08-09 14:45 ]
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Hi Fishbait,
Yes... I know I don't belong... I've never been there... but I know where you are now, and I just wanted to tell you, "It will be o'k... promise."
It took you several months and a nasty call in my ear... but you came and I hope you can find some strength and support here... maybe... maybe not... There are hundreds of pages here... if nothing else, maybe you can help one of them.
I've written volumes more, but this is all I can offer... Good luck and good wishes...
Your (Friend)
F&E.A.
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Ugh I remember that mullet stew! I think the word stew is too kind though. It was a very thin broth with some mullet tossed in-nice boney mullet. I remember being utterly disgusted while I picked the bones out of it. At first I thought they were fingernails.Maybe they were. It was soo foul but I ate it anyway -I was so hungry. I think the Atkins girls' parents caught the mullet and donated it.At least that's what I heard.
The pb& j at St Pete (gandy) was a huge bun with a square of peanut butter in the middle. You know like the little individual containers of jelly or butter provided at restaurants. Pb& j at Gandy was generally lacking jelly and most often frozen. And OMG I remember picking all the bread around the outside and saving the square of peanut butter for dessert! Insane. The worst part of the pb&j diet for me was the two peces of dry toast with the 2 oz of orange juice. I used to gag choking down that toast. And then I'd nearly cry wanting more orange juice.
And the nasty hash, ::puke::
The closest thing we had to a restaurant providing food was McDonald's cheeseburgers around some holiday. It was a big deal. Everyone was salivating at the thought of anything that didn't come from that kitchen.The law in its majestic equality, forbids all men to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread - the rich as well as the poor
--Anatole France
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Thank yyou for the reminder Dr Fucktard. I almost forgot that we did all the necessary things to be there.
::puke::
Please pass the kool-aid and mullet soup.
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Fishbait,
I don't know that you will ever come here again... I've done wrong, and I sincerly appologize. I sent you a letter telling you this, but you refused it on the grounds of "Trust", so I left the note... I do still care, but we're not who we were then are we? I want to go back to being him... "He" was honest, trust worthy and had direction. The letter I left explained all of that... but as it stands, take the books that I leave... write in the margins as you see fit... maybe someday years from now when you are the refined grey-haired lady and I am the crotchety old man I can borrow it... I would still love to know your thoughts.
Be at peace,
Your (Friend)
F&E.A.
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[ This Message was edited by: KnottyKitty on 2005-08-09 14:45 ]
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On 2005-04-01 16:58:00, KnottyKitty wrote:
"Well, here I am again. I'm continuously thrusted here either by other people or by my nightmares. Two people asked me about Straight within the last month.
Ain't that some shit? Lotsa people here been haunted by that exact sort of jive....welcome to the monkeyhouse, friend.
Today, my FRIEND told me that he googled me and found this posting. He had good intentions when he asked about Straight. I had plans to come home from work today, jump in the shower, and go see Sin City. I was excited.
Yeah, it's some rough shit we went through....nobody that wasn't there could even begin to understand it...IT WAS THAT FUCKED UP....I can understand your excitement , though, SIN CITY looks really cool....
In the shower, I broke into tears like an asshole (also the second time that I've done that this month). Not so excited anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this... maybe because I don't want to talk about it. But I'm not a victim. Regrdless of what happens to me, I refuse to be a victim. I don't want pity. I want to hit people. There is so much god-damn anger on this message board and it pisses me off. But I understand. And that pisses me off too.
Don't worry 'bout the tears right now. It's OK. Let 'em flow, let them flow. Pretty much, it's just a physiological response to recognizing what a fucked up situation you just got through. Don't worry 'bout the crying, it's OK.
Of course you don't want to talk about this. It's kind of embarrassing, even in front of other who have been there. You weere put into a very, very fucked up situation that had nothing to do with your choices or desires. This loss of control in and of itself can be very traumatic. Understand that you were a child with no real power of your own to avoid the situation, uncomfrtable as it may sound, you were a victim of a fucked up circumstance. It was not your fault. Reagardless of who is to blame for the very unfortunate (to put it mildly) circumstancezs you were subected to, you are able to reclaim your life. This is within your power. You need not be victim to the winds of fortune;
you can't fuck much with the past, but you can fuck plenty with the future...
Why must I be here?
Those are the words on everybody's lips.....
Nightmares are variations of the same theme: I'm suddenly in an intake room getting strip searched, or suddenly in group. Terrified. No way out. I'm screaming and crying in my head: "No No No No. I can't get out. I can't get out. I can't be here again." I'm waiting to be stood up. They will rip me for these thoughts that I'm having. I didn't report my thoughts this time... that's even worse. I should have reported these thoughts while I had the chance, but now it's too late. I know I'm going to get started over again. Theres no way out of here.
You're right --There is no way out of here. But what "here" is , is a different question altogether. We may have nightmares, dreams, wishes, desires, perceptions that can seem all tooo real at the time, but are in reality, transitory experiences. Not to get Buddhist or New Age on you, but once you recognize that you are a mind that was subjected to a serious, traumatic, weird event, the sooner and better able you can cope with it.
Do we all fail at our relationships? I can't maintain one for longer than two years (most are less than two years). I'm thirty years old and still working on getting my life going- still in college. There are letters here from my ex. Why are men fascinated with me BEFORE they have me and AFTER they've had me? I'm not complaining, just speculating, really.
Perhaps we do. Maybe all of our previous relationships are a trial run for the one we're really looking for. Maybe not. Maybe we are just too damn weird to ever find someone we can really relate to. Is that so fucking terrible? Most of the couples I know are really unhappy or deluded, mainly because the individuals involved don't know, or won't be "true to themselves" (again, please pardon any New Agish rhetoric--these are ideas that are hard to define in writing).
Are we to judge our entire existance based on our relationships with others? If so, why not simply treat others as we would be treated ourselves, as some old sage said, and let the chips fall where they may?
Also, you've got to understand that human males enjoy novelty. The first whatever. The best whatever. The wildest, the weirdest, the freakiest, WHATEVER; this is what "motivates us to behavior beyond our normal routines that we use to provide ourselves with food and beer. It's true. An anthropology professor told me, and I believe him, so don't waste your time arguing with me.
Perhaps I'll study this phenomenon after I have my Phd and I have the freedom to study what I want to. I'll look at the brains of a few of the one hundred cats that I'll have for companions by that time.
If you can figure it out, I'd love to hear it from you first hand, but those goddamn cats will stink to high heaven and I'm not sure I could stick around for the duration.
A week or two ago, I was standing in my boyfriend's kitchen and I started crying (again, like an asshole). He asked me why I was crying. I told him that I didn't know. He accepted that, held me, and said, "just cry if you need to". That couldn't have happened in my fantasies. He didn't pry, he just let me cry. When I was done, I gathered myself together, and went back to being (tough girl) and he accepted that too. He's perfect, and I'm going to fuck it up. I have approximately 19 more months with him before I push him away.
If you can predict the future so accurately, will you please provide me wit swome winning Florida lottery numbers? Please?
I don't talk about Straight because it's an impossibility. When my friend asked about it today... what do I say? There are no words. It's best to just not talk about it because there are no words. Nowhere to begin explaining and nowhere to end explaining. No letters can be strung together to form appropriate sentences that will convey the surface of this thing called Straight. Besides, talking about it brings me here; Performing a pitiful and whiney stream of consciousness to strangers.
Ramble on, Honey. If it helps you to vent, it sorta helps me. (I'm really fucked up like that---just gotta KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, Y'KNOW?)
Strangers who know. Strangers who, if they say anything at all, will probably say nasty things to me because you are all angry. Do you know why you're angry? Think about it. Or don't think about it.
Pissed off, yes. Pissed off at you, no. Of course we're angry, disgusted, indignant, and a few other "feeling" words that don't come to mid right now.....we went through some really weird, rough shit...and some of us are only now able to think about it, much less talk about it. It wasn't you that was fucked up, it was a fucked up situation you were in.....
One of the ultimatums (sp?) that was given to me by my ex boyfriend was to stop fighting. He said that he was afraid to go anywhere with me because he was always nervous that I was going to fight someone. I've been working on that. I haven't been in a physical confrontation (not counting the girl who I threatened in the bar a couple months ago) in nearly a year. Ironically, my anger worsens coincidingly.
Maybe there's some stuff you need to talk about with someone you can trust. Maybe you get angry for reasons that are perfectly justified, maybe not. I can't really tell you from this post you have read--I don't know the specifics. I do know that it's not nice to go around hurting people. Stop hurting others and you will generally find that they stop hurting you, or so I've been told....
I'm done. I feel better. I'm late for my date now, but that's just the self-centered person who I am. I hope to never come back here.
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That's cool. Hope everything works out for you OK. If not, it's cool with me if you ever need to come back here and vent. Good luck.
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Erin this is Christine. I think I was your oldcomer for awhile. I live in your area now. I'll send you a private email so we can talk. Not sure if you remember me (the blonde with all the crazy bell bottom and flower outfits). If you read this before I email you, send me an email at [email protected].
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Sorry to tell you...it was, in all likelihood, cat food...
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Why must I be here?
That, my FRIEND, is the one question I never gave my mind the opportunity to think about...my mind was always elsewhere...since my body couldn't be free, I damn well made sure my mind was!!
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On 2002-09-25 06:38:00, ladyjerrico wrote:
"Straight in Plymouth didn't have emergancy food so to speak, we made our lunches from our host homes and brought them in. However, if we didn't make one or didn't have time, we were stuck eating "ghetto" pb and jelly. A few times lunches were brought in by host parents and there were a few times that they were short on a couple and I ended up sharing a lunch with someone, which wasn't bad. As far as "rations" we may have had some, but we wern't allowed to look in the cupboard to find out, they were off limits, so I don't know if staff had a stash or not, it seems like they didn't because if we didn't have food, it seems like we were SOL. They had some cupboard space, what was in those cupboards, I have no idea."
There were some styrofoam cups and coffee creamer in the kitchen cabinets. I remember on 2nd phase when all the 3rd-5th phasers were at school I would have to be the one to take people to the bathroom, etc. and I used to take a newcomer named Laura to the kitchen to eat snacks. She was hypoglcymic (sp)so the nurse gave her permission to bring snacks from home and leave group every so often to eat.
Laura H. from Westland if you're out there I remember having a fun drop off at your house on a sunday playing cards. I was sad when you were pulled since I thought you were cool to hang with, but happy for you being free.
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Speaking as someone who has never been in the program, you are right. There is no way of knowing what it was like. Sad part is, shuting someone out is not the answer. Explain what you can and pray that it helps. I am the voice of experience... nothing hurts more than to be struck out at and to not know why. Don't shut him out like you did the others if you want a prayer of making it work. Try to make him see while acepting that he can't.
I still wish you well,
F.& E. A.
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To NoOne (Im sure you saw that coming): I also "did wrong" ((shudder)) and I also apologize.
To Druggie Friend: Thanks for the time. You're quite a sage.
To krystene: There's no link here to my email address. I remember you. I liked you.
To "anonymous" who claims that although his body wasn't free, his mind was: fuck you.
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Check your private messages :smile:
I noticed you had no email listed :grin:
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On 2005-04-10 15:18:00, Anonymous wrote:
To Druggie Friend: Thanks for the time. You're quite a sage.
No, I'm not---just ask a couple of people from here who've met me in person.....
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Fishbait
I hear that your "Summer Cold" has been acting up again. Maybe you should see someone about that and get help. I hope you get better soon.
F.& E.A.
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yeah, i remember sitting on front row in springfield and fantasizing that an airplane would crash and that the plane would come thru the wall under the 7/12 steps. In all the commotion there would be so much panic and chaos that i could just run thru the opening in the cinder block wall and escape to freedom. Kind of a selfish, violent and insane fantasy, what with all the people that would'a' got hurt or killed but i was young and desperate. i also remember the words to the Grateful Dead song "Sampson and Delilah" constantly runnin' thru my mind: "...if i had my way...i would tear this ol' building down".
Fuck straight, fuck all authority.
"Soul Captives are Free"-Bob Marley and the Wailers. PEACE.
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My fantasy's were oftened centered around escape. I would picture myself in group, front row, suddenly darting for the door. Then I would start doing back handsprings (which I could NEVER EVER DO) and then take out both guys at the door and busting out to freedom.
Another fanatasy involved me climbing up the i-beams and breaking out the skylights. (I have a fear of heights, so this was a pretty unrealistic fantasy too.)
I think we had these kind of fantasies to keep up from utterly going out of our minds. Just my 2 cents.
Don