Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: Forever Young on April 10, 2002, 03:53:00 AM
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I need help! I discovered these sites almost two years ago and since have been thinking about it since leaving the nest. I went years thinking nothing of it. Does anyone have any idea how fucked up I (lots of us) are because of that hole. I like many others revert to myself in crisis and suffered horrific depression for a long time. I feel like giving up. I just don't see hope anymore. I have little coping skills and have lost everything in the past few months. I can't fight anymore. I have cornered myself and fear I have no where to turn now. My significant other left me (on my birthday) and since have been holed up at home. I can't even pick up the phone. Haven't eaten a meal in days. Can't sleep. Off on sick benefits (and never not worked in over 10 years). I can honestly say I have no desire to look for work or have the ability to anyhow. I lost my job when my depression got worse. Which started after being haunted by these sites; realizing how much I had not dealt with after leaving Kids. I have no friends, no family and soon no home. I am scared I won't make it this time. I see myself as getting weaker not stronger now. Maybe it's just easier giving up because I have nothing anymore. But I am hanging in there. Yesterday I had hopefull thoughts and today I was scared of my actions.
I was in Kids of NJ 89-90 and am a Canadian.
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Forever, you've been reading these posts so you probably know who I am. Would you like to email me? [email protected]. I've been through something similar to what you're going through. If you mail we can also chat through icq or aol.
Glad you posted.
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It took all my courage and am still not willing to submit my name. I cannot talk yet. I typed it, and that is just the forfront issue. I cannot talk to anyone about me. I do not have those skills. Not since kids. I shut down. But this time it's worse. I am bidding time waiting to lose my home and that's it for me. Losing my partner last week put (pardon the punn) nail in the coffin. I can't phathom even walking out my door, let alone picking up the phone. Or really conversing about anything. I have one friend where I am living and told her she won't hear from me for a while as I hate having negative shit going on and burdening people with it. Like I am doing here..This is different - you chose to read. I was a burden to my ex and they couldn't handle it. I am ashamed and scared of what I have become. This is far worse than 5 years ago (when I went into remission for my depression). It's so hard now. I was younger then, less responsibility AND liability. I don't need to tell anyone about overhead and banks. Not funny but true. Living in same house nearly 4 years. Never missed or been even a day late for rent. This month had to cash RRSP and it took 48 hours. I was 2 days late and I got an eviction notice. My ex then left me. That was last week. Things are not getting better. I was so strong and independant and now....I reverted back to irrational decisions like when I was younger and had far less experience. But today - I know I just don't have the heart anymore. Too much for me. And no I couldn't call. Talking will not fix me. I know the answers I am just trying to see if I have it in me to fight again. Do you understand?
Thanks for the reply by the way. Are the girl that moved to the states after AARC?
Thanks for reading again and for wanting to help. NOTED!
Have a good day.
Forever Young
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I know how you feel,infact you sound like someone I use to know (mike)
e-mail me at [email protected] we will talk
Relax there is a life outside of satans den
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Wow...Forever Young. I am so glad you posted. I am sorry for the emotions you have been through since finding these sites. I knew there was a risk in putting this one up when I did, but I have also found that the sites help in the long run. It sometimes takes a while, but talking to the same people that went throught the same stuff we did helps so much. At least it helped me. If you are who I think you are, call me immediately! I insist that you call me! LOL....with another risk of sounding like a cliche' "It DOES get better"!!!!!!
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No, but I am the girl who went back to BC right away after AARC (well two weeks after graduating. Would have gone the first day if I could have).
It's just an offer like everyone here has and will offer email addresses, instant messangers or chat rooms. I often find it easier to write things than talk about them, so the offer still stands. I tend to be up very late into the night so if you're sleepless send a mail. A few years ago I went through something similar where I had to give up my job and work though some stuff the hard way after I'd run myself into the ground. Heartbroken at the time too : ( It took me about six months to see the benifits of what I went through, but now the timing seems perfect to me. The college funds I'd been saving since age ten had to go out the window to support myself, but coming back to life stronger than every allowed me to triple my income the following year. I trust that you'll be able to take the little steps (Like sleeping and eating again) to help you through the bigger ones. And I don't know about in the states, but in BC if you are two days late on rent you get a notice, but they can't actually evict you until you are five days late in rent.
Take care,
Velvet.
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Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. It's true, everyday it's hard to even open my door to cheque the mailbox. I am in western canada not the states. And yup I got the eviction notice and paid on that day but it was the principle of it. Don't know if I can pay rent at end of this month and don't care. I don't plan on going anywhere as I have no where to go anyway. No don't ask about family as I have none. I don't have a single good friend where I live and I would never ask an aquantance for help. So I have really put myself in a corner. Maybe that's why I am just apathetic to it all. Before I would have been fighting tooth and nail. Too tired now. I don't know what the future has in store for me and I can't even imagine. KIDS changed my life. I literally came home after KIDS and had nothing left. That was 12 years ago. Here I stand today and look back at the last 12 years thinking how delusional I was. Sadly, now that I am 30 (last week was my bday) that is almost half my life. The prior half was neglect, abuse and a martyr. What am I going to be for the next 10-15 years of my life? I can't spend it alone like I have these last 30. What is the point?
And life isn't always good or easy. God, do I know it. But I don't blame life or God. I can't blame anyone sadly. I have spent half my life having people tell me to look at what I am responsible for and who I have harmed etc and that is what I am left with. No one to blame but me. I was also taught to stand on my own two feet and pick myself up. My ex said to me that I could do this alone and that I didn't need anyone. I looked at him and said he was right. It was what he wanted to hear. I can admit it here - I need help. I did ask him for help as a friend but he refused. There was my answer. My house is so big and I feel so alone.
Take care.
Forever Young
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Pursue happiness at all costs and let the rest go. Whether it is drugs, children, pets, books, walks, exercise, church or whatever. All that matters is your individual happiness and nothing else. If you have access to healthcare, professionals may help you find the happiness you are missing. Do not become another statistic proving the program right in their promise that you will eventually die, end up in prison, or be forever miserable without their support. This was only the one of many lies the program coersed all phasers to believe. Good life is out there and you are entitled to it...by whatever means necessary.
Unregistered User Me
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Amen,
There is life after kids. Wish you luck.
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I wish there were help for me out there. I have the name of a therapist and have left 5 messages in two weeks and she has not called back. There is no help and but you have a great life and glad it's working out well.
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Maybe leave a message on the machine of a different therapist who is more on the ball, and hopefully a free one. I could be wrong but I think Family Life offers free services for adults. Yeah, when it comes down to it everything is our responsibilty alone, therefore no matter what we really always do handle things on our own...But having help from other people doesn't make us "Codependant" or incabable of making our own decisions. We form tribes, we form families, we're all meant to have a little help from people around us. That can be the difference for your next ten to fifteen years. How many times have I gone to someone for help assuming that they will say that I'm "pulling bullshit" or "You need to get honest" or "You're in your head" because I didn't use exact AARC lingo or my feelings came at an innapropriate time like before earning a step when I was supposed to be momentarily perfect? It's been hard to stop that programming from allowing me to trust people, but like the determined loud mouth that I am I've spilled out everything I think and feel to anyone who will listen, and gotten wonderful result from it : ) You sound like you love your place, so I hope that you keep it and maybe rebuild it with an entirely new enrgy. If not and you have to trade it in for a smaller place, that's okay too. Change inside tends to change our outside surroundings too.
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Not sure what therapist you are trying to contact. I also know of a support group that meets once a month. Some ex members of Kids go there, as well as other organizations with similiar characteristics. Free of cost. If you are interested write me at [email protected].
Would love to offer this information to you.
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Not sure what therapist you are trying to contact. I also know of a support group that meets once a month. Some ex members of Kids go there, as well as other organizations with similiar characteristics. Free of cost. If you are interested write me at [email protected].
Would love to offer this information to you.
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Not sure what therapist you are trying to contact. I also know of a support group that meets once a month. Some ex members of Kids go there, as well as other organizations with similiar characteristics. Free of cost. If you are interested write me at [email protected].
Would love to offer this information to you.
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Not sure what therapist you are trying to contact. I also know of a support group that meets once a month. Some ex members of Kids go there, as well as other organizations with similiar characteristics. Free of cost. If you are interested write me at [email protected].
Would love to offer this information to you.
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Sorry,
I'm still a novice on computers, but I guess you got the messege.
Larry
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Sorry,
I'm still a computer novice, but I guess you got the messege.
Larry
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Really? Tell me more? Where do you meet? How long have you been meeting? What's it like? I know that the best thing about visiting with my family for a weekend is that it cures homesickness for an entire year or more. How do you avoid turning back into Group?
I've always figured I've had about all the help I can stand and depended on organically occuring relationships instead. It's worked out very well for me and I highly recomend it to others. That's the devil's advocate speaking.
The devil's prosecutor, otoh, is very interested in finding answers to the ever present "what do I do now?" question. So do tell, if you please.
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On 2002-04-10 00:53:00, Forever Young wrote:
I need help! I discovered these sites almost two years ago and since have been thinking about it since leaving the nest. I went years thinking nothing of it. Does anyone have any idea how fucked up I (lots of us) are because of that hole. I like many others revert to myself in crisis and suffered horrific depression for a long time. I feel like giving up. I just don't see hope anymore. I have little coping skills and have lost everything in the past few months. I can't fight anymore. I have cornered myself and fear I have no where to turn now. My significant other left me (on my birthday) and since have been holed up at home. I can't even pick up the phone. Haven't eaten a meal in days. Can't sleep. Off on sick benefits (and never not worked in over 10 years). I can honestly say I have no desire to look for work or have the ability to anyhow. I lost my job when my depression got worse. Which started after being haunted by these sites; realizing how much I had not dealt with after leaving Kids. I have no friends, no family and soon no home. I am scared I won't make it this time. I see myself as getting weaker not stronger now. Maybe it's just easier giving up because I have nothing anymore. But I am hanging in there. Yesterday I had hopefull thoughts and today I was scared of my actions.
I was in Kids of NJ 89-90 and am a Canadian.
OK, so you aren't the only one :smile:
It was close to 8 years after being out when I totally broke down, it was also after finally finding information on the internet that let me know I wasn;t crazy about what happened. Shortly after I was in a psyche ward for 3 days, I had totally fallen apart, I have since been "treated" for PTSD, found out so much more about myself in the past 27 years than I ever knew before. Some really freaky things about why I don't remember most of KIDS of NJ...
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, much of this is difficult to process, but there is another side to come out on, and we come out better. Keep on keepin' on, k?