Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: Anonymous on May 23, 2007, 02:56:53 PM
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I really need to speak out on this as this has bothered me for a while. I really believe that I am damaged goods with no hope of repair.
Prior to being forced into "Straight" by my family and the courts I was able to do things and feel like it was all just a part of learning and growing up.
While I was in "Straight" I felt that the things I thought, felt, and done were all wrong. The least little wrong that I would do, I felt I had to lie and con to appeal to the powers that be.
Fourteen months of humiliation, fear of being punished (refreshers, set backs, start overs, and basicly having my shit blown away in group), I developed a real inability to trust my family, God, and other people.
Over the years since I have left Straight I have had the hardest time finding where I belong and overall, just finding peace with myself. I have been in and out of 12 step fellowships, have put together a few years clean time several times, and when it came to drinking or smoking a few joints.....(Let's just say they have not been guilt free).
My patterns developed in "Straight" telling lies, conning, and manipulating have carried over into my adult life and have caused me an inability to have any meaningful relationships with anyone.
I work with windows based computers and when we have a machine that has corrupt software, the problem is easily taken care of. Simply wipe the hard drive clean and reload the software.... Issue resolved.
However with Straight corrupting my software between my ears, there is no fix that I have found. If anyone has had successful deprogramming through hypnosis or some other method........."PLEASE TELL ME"
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I work with windows based computers and when we have a machine that has corrupt software, the problem is easily taken care of. Simply wipe the hard drive clean and reload the software.... Issue resolved.
However with Straight corrupting my software between my ears, there is no fix that I have found. If anyone has had successful deprogramming through hypnosis or some other method........."PLEASE TELL ME"
Through the regular use of marijuana and the careful use of other psychoactives in a supportive setting.
Your model likening the brainwashing we were subjected to and computer software is not an innacurate one, and should prove helpful to you in eliminating Straight residual programming.
You must remember, however, that the Straight mindfuck was applied INTENSELY for MONTHS (if not YEARS) during a FORMATIVE PERIOD of our lives. That is not something easily overcome. It will require effort and dedication on your part.
Good luck to you. I hope you find some way to live with the trauma and the fucked-up memories. We saw things about ourselves and others, each other, that no one should have to see. We saw the way a mob hysteria works in a 24/7 365 environment, where people would do some of the sickest things to each other in the name of 'helping them', 'saving their life', etc., etc. People selling out their integrity so that THEY aren't the next one blasted by the group. Sick, unquestioning devotion to a heirarchical structure, no room for individual nonconformity to the utmost extremes in behavior and thought. We were subjected to, witnessed and participated in human behavior at some of it's most ignoble and animalistic, if not downright EVIL. That is painful knowledge. There is hope, however-- we, you and I, do recognizse that, as you put it, "the software was corrupted", that the program logic makes no sense, that the behavioral modification techniques produced results that were not desirable nor optimal. Knowing that is the key to overcoming it. By seeing the trap, one can avoid it.
Again, good luck to you in rearranging your brain, so to speak. Straight was a terrible thing for our minds to taste. As for me, I'm going to smoke some more high grade cannabis.
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Botched ---I feel for you...shit, whose kidding who...I feel for myself. I wish I had a quick fix solution such as an f-disk procedure and re-install. But I haven't the solution, nor do I know of one. I have heard of deprogramming and counseling...that type of thing. And some claim to have moderate improvement in the quality of their lives...but I doubt all traces of the effects of Straight Inc will be taken away.
Your description of the mangled hard drive or fucked up programming is a good one....My analogy: Like fresh cement, they fucked with it before it set, or cured. And now, well, much of that still remains fucked up. But like concrete, masonry, or stone. I think that time and elements of nature will gradually wear down the sharp points and the jagged edges most of us still have.
As for the chemical approach to healing....eh....works for many of us, but doesn’t seem to fit for others. That, I think is up to your own descretion and temperament.
It's been since 1978 I been battling the same questions you have posted here. My direct experience is time and more time away from Straight Inc and from any other wish-craft practices seems to help the most....and yeah in my case smoking seems to help as well.
In regards to the "guilt " factor....fuck guilt, along with feelings of shame, remorse and all that goes along with it. I think mentally it is something we are all to comfortable with....it's ingrained in us to react and to treat ourselves in such a manner....we do as we were taught. However, I don't think its an answer suitable for living a valued life. Living well, despite Straight Inc influences is sweet....it proves the lies. Of course the moments of disillusionment are supposed to be a good thing....but because of the shit we went thru....we have difficulty in seeing the good that can come from moments of disillusionment...which after a period of time looking back at Straight Inc...one can not help but have these moments of dis-illuision....unfortunately, it sucks....yet it shows that the snare of Straight Inc has begun to loose it's grip from around your throat.
I wish you much peace!
woof
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I got some counseling- it helped a little. I also stopped being scared of who I was and decided the things I was doing to keep myself "safe" were hurting me as opposed to sparing me pain. I stopped trying to avoid pain and just let myself feel it. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be...that helped more than counseling. I stay the fuck away from 12 step programs, organized religion, and anything that claims to have an answer. I've just sort of accepted that there isn't one.
I'm not saying I'm entirely okay. I'm still terrified of things (like making a mistake) and have a really hard time putting things every one else just seems to "get" into context. But I try not to freak out about it, and I don't feel like I'm living in prison anymore. I've also developed the capacity to have intimate relationships that aren't charecterized by alternate bouts of clinging on like a drowning person and shoving the other person far, far away. I'll take it.
I hope you find some peace. The fact that you're trying is hopeful. This shit never entirely disapears, but a lot of us have learned to be relatively alright, and I think you can too. Good luck and keep us posted.
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It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since i could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been a while
since i could say that i wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day
Its been awhile
Since I could lok at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since i said i'm sorry
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me
It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry
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I know...how may people understand this song like we do?????your not ruined just a little damaged.....the brain is an amazing organ and is capable of profound reorganization...i think you have to work at it though ...to train your brain...start with whats right vs wrong ...what makes sense to you and only you...know where decisions lead....recapture your heart and follow it....answer only to yourself and God within you.....take your power back...we are adults now..now forgive yourself and accept that is is the hand your delt and play..have fun...find joy..find good.... it is everywhere...it is in you..the pure innocent child is loved and forgiven and free to be...mistakes then, now, and in the future are forgiven and understood...dont bog yourself down w/ guilt..concentrate on the healing part.....waxing poetic for myself as well...its nice to know we are not alone and can write freely here and recieve understanding and support..........
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We saw things about ourselves and others, each other, that no one should have to see. We saw the way a mob hysteria works in a 24/7 365 environment, where people would do some of the sickest things to each other in the name of 'helping them', 'saving their life', etc., etc. People selling out their integrity so that THEY aren't the next one blasted by the group. Sick, unquestioning devotion to a heirarchical structure, no room for individual nonconformity to the utmost extremes in behavior and thought. We were subjected to, witnessed and participated in human behavior at some of it's most ignoble and animalistic, if not downright EVIL. That is painful knowledge.
Truer words never were writ. Ok, so maybe I liked it a little better when the world was more or less ok and only I was just a little paranoid. But the fact is this shit is true and pervasive. It comes back on me in the worst kind of ways when I get a whiff of the same qualities in broader society.
Just yesterday, I go to get $40 for the title to a junk car from the same wheezily eyed cheister who agreed $125 for it if I could get it to his scrap yard and then towed it for the city about 15 minutes before I got there with a car dolly and a couple of tires. Well that's just business and I was pleasant enough up to that point. While the drunk ass bitch was getting the paper work to work the deal, she had to go on and on about how that was a get away car and I was lying telling her what really happened. Then the shiftless bastard who stole the damned thing in the first place had to start scolding me and lecturing me for getting there a half hour quicker than planned. This after having spent at least half an hour getting jerked around on the phone by the dumb ass cops pretending they didn't know who had the damned car.
Yeah, I laid into those bastards (after I had the stinkin $40 in hand). I said, now wait a minute here. You have colluded w/ the Charleroi police to bend me over, and now you gotta insult me, call me a liar and act like I'm putting you out of your way? Look, I know this is your job, but you chose it. He said "I was chust following orders" only in the local parlance, "Oh, I didn't choose it, they called me, I had to do it". Dumb mother fuckers! I saw Bobby driven to and past the point of catatonia over the course of a couple of days right in front of and with active participation of roughly 100 wittnesses. That kind of 'thinking' scares the shit out of me and pisses me off more than words can tell.
And, judging by the looks on their faces, it had been a long time coming. Just watch. On the way out of town, I'm hanging a banner on the sign at the city line; "Welcome to Charleroi, bend over it'll hurt less". It's only my civic duty to correct an obvious error of omission warn others, isn't it?
[whew!] I feel a little better now, but not much. Look, what I'm trying to say here is that, although a good many of us may be quite damaged in various ways, it's not all damage. Some of it is just that we are set apart from the people who today think that having a lush green lawn is their biggest concern and who will tomorrow call 1-800-BEA-SNITCH on their neighbor or family member like they're ordering a pizza. You know it, I know it. Sometimes, if you're the only one who doesn't lose their head in times of crisis it's because you don't know what the FUCK is going on!
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who will tomorrow call 1-800-BEA-SNITCH on their neighbor or family member like they're ordering a pizza
A good point about the "anonymous snitch lines" here. It's fun to call them and inform on cops, the mayor of your town, anti-drug types, former Str8 executives, etc.
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who will tomorrow call 1-800-BEA-SNITCH on their neighbor or family member like they're ordering a pizza
A good point about the "anonymous snitch lines" here. It's fun to call them and inform on cops, the mayor of your town, anti-drug types, former Str8 executives, etc.
Cool! I'll call one and do that right aftedr I call Miller Newton @ (727) 392-3437........
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who will tomorrow call 1-800-BEA-SNITCH on their neighbor or family member like they're ordering a pizza
A good point about the "anonymous snitch lines" here. It's fun to call them and inform on cops, the mayor of your town, anti-drug types, former Str8 executives, etc.
::roflmao:: :nworthy: ::roflmao:: ::kiss:: ::roflmao::
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I just remembered one of my lame ass attempts of misbehaving. I was in morning rap....A 4th phaser was talking about playing headgames with working at a drug store as a cashier next to the cigarette displays because he wanted to smoke... I jumped up and started singing my rendition of "Head Games" by Foreigner... Brainwashed straightlings around me started endulging in their "Feel Good" of the day by restraining me on the floor and covering my mouth to the point I could hardly breath. The idiot staff member at the front of group ( We will call Derek ) flexing his inept ability to make sense by having them hoist me back to my feet and ask.... "Does anybody have something to say to this guy???"
As I watched the arms flapping it reminded me of sharks in a feeding frenzy.
My what fun fond memories I have in my corrupt database....
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i have something to say to derek and to all those brainwashed or just plain evil people who had control over your life...and f#$@ the people who put those monsters in control....may they burn in hell tormented for all eternity with the memories of us all so we dont have to carry them anymore...i know the rage and who knows what are we suppose to do with it?...some of us have hurt others but mostly we hurt ourselves....try not to do much more damage than what was already done...just more to deal with later....anyway read about thought reform tactics...know exactly the wrong done to you and dont blame yourself...you have support here.... so got any more f$%#@-up memories...feel free
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I really need to speak out on this as this has bothered me for a while. I really believe that I am damaged goods with no hope of repair.
Prior to being forced into "Straight" by my family and the courts I was able to do things and feel like it was all just a part of learning and growing up.
While I was in "Straight" I felt that the things I thought, felt, and done were all wrong. The least little wrong that I would do, I felt I had to lie and con to appeal to the powers that be.
Fourteen months of humiliation, fear of being punished (refreshers, set backs, start overs, and basicly having my shit blown away in group), I developed a real inability to trust my family, God, and other people.
Over the years since I have left Straight I have had the hardest time finding where I belong and overall, just finding peace with myself. I have been in and out of 12 step fellowships, have put together a few years clean time several times, and when it came to drinking or smoking a few joints.....(Let's just say they have not been guilt free).
My patterns developed in "Straight" telling lies, conning, and manipulating have carried over into my adult life and have caused me an inability to have any meaningful relationships with anyone.
I work with windows based computers and when we have a machine that has corrupt software, the problem is easily taken care of. Simply wipe the hard drive clean and reload the software.... Issue resolved.
However with Straight corrupting my software between my ears, there is no fix that I have found. If anyone has had successful deprogramming through hypnosis or some other method........."PLEASE TELL ME"
Go to www.rickross.com (http://www.rickross.com)
There you can find answers.
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I think we all feel as you do some degree or another.
I know i spent years trying to "go on with my life" to prove to myself that they had not ruined me for life only to find after years of struggle and diappointment that they infact had. Many had told me that I needed to accept reality for years, but that meant they had effected me forever.
I tried everything and was somewhat stable. for me, my damage was more physical than mental. I exercised, worked hard two or three jobs, no drugs, no criminal record, i even had the very high morals and standards for myself. I tried soooo hard to be the opposit of what we were in there.
I went to school , college, I had the highest grade point average EVER in that school. I was on top of the world, only soon my heart would fail me again and force me to change careers, no problem, I worked my butt off , read alll I could get my hands on my new career became asistant manager in a mostly male world , I finannly had enough money to survive, Only with a pacemaker (that I received at age 18 shortly after leaving straight) my pacemaker couldnt handle the new electronics in the new cars. So, fine change careers again, during that whole time my back was a always a challenge, my back failed shortly after straight as well. so career number 3 or 4 , Again went to school higher than a 4.0 grade average, graduated got a job, not long on the job and my pacemaker battery failed. This extended absence lost me that career, and my back had failed again. I ended up on disability. I fought back though, In just five years, i manage to get off disability , i beat high school kids in swim test, i had my certification as a lifeguard, and I had been one of the first young people to be a rescue diver, one of the first with a pacemaker. I had a new career on the water for five more years, when my back failed again only this time to the inevitable paralysis and then heart attack.
Withing months of leaving straight i received a pacemaker, third youngest in the state, my back had already had blown disk. I have lost many careers to my health. My credit was ruined from the time I walked out of there because i have to have the pacemaker replaced every five years to the tune of over forty grand.
then many many years later after many fights, and remakin my life many times, and having everything takin from me financially AGAIN. I have accepted the fact that the damage they did is permant. I will not get up again only to be knocked back down.
I wish I could tell you that they didnt ruin people for ever but they did. Now, as for mentally , I know there is maybe one or two places that say they can help, I don't know anyone to date that has the skills to handle our level of ptsd.
there has never been help for us, no one has offered their services to us knowing that most all of us can not afford to live much less counseling.
I have learned that time heals alot. It for me anyway never healed it all. I have had to learn with what is left. I have had to learn to accept it.
the most difficult for me is there is no justice and that the Semblers refuse to see what they have done or be man enough to make any attempt to fix it.
It amazes me that they are still alive as cruel and sadistic as they have been to thousands. Not, that I want them dead, it seems to quick and painless to be justice.
I would perfer that they be forced to "admit the exact nature of their wrongs".
One thing I do know, is that we of all people do at times need each other. I do know that working together and not emotionally hurting each other and working as a group in a constructive way is my revenge..
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I do know that many if not most survivors suffer back, shoulder and neck problems to a dibilitating degree.
I know many can not fight off infection well due to lack of nutrition during their growing years. This lack of ability often causes many flu's and missed days of work.
I know that I have not known or heard of a survivor that did not suffer at minimum PTSD and other mental ailments.
I think its vital to start holding our government accountable for what they paid for and edorsed to spite their knowledge of the damage it would do. They (the government) should be picking up the tab of every survivor for medical benefit but unless or until we all agree and fight for it they will not feel compelled to do so.
I know often you see many suicides years after Straight, often leaving a note about Straight. I wondered why commit suicide so many years later. My answer was , because like you and me they realized too that there was not way out of the damage. They like us were ruined for life and learning to live with that is too much for some.
Another reason, I think, is the anger. We survivors will discuss what happened, we will tell you who , what , where , when , how. What you will NOT find is us discussing anger not even usually with each other. It's too deep, too intense. I don't know a survivor who has broached the subject of anger , began to talk about it and lived to tell about it. It's a DEEP anger. A place none of us go. The anger does not subside because like the writer or poster above this, it keeps surfacing in our everyday life.It is NOT the past. It effects are destroying us today. The damage forcing the loss of careers, jobs, credit and more. So, for us it is never the past. That makes in near impossiable to let go of..
This very fact, I believe is what has kept the Semblers, Newton and others alive. If a survivor were to "go there" the anger I mean, the result would be obvious to all. This take an immense amount of control from the survivors. It is that self control and disipine that has kept the enemys alive and I believe it is the only thing.
What can we do?Frankly without the goverment getting involved and giving us justice, and a way to deal with the medical and mental damage I dont know. I think baring that, we can only rely on each other. It is only another survivor that understands a survivor.
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in my intake iwas told this wouldnt be like when i was locked up before(sandhillsNC school for boys,Ivy ridge,correctional,sandhills MH center,orCamden Military Acadwmy.I could leave whenever i wanted.I was 16ish,dopesick,and un believeably depressed,these days I see it as being kidnappe by both my own parents,who if youdd have told magic beans would help would have signed anything. And just by deciet.desparate parents,taken advantage of in their time of weakness,by manipulative,wicked motherfuckers,who would pump that bullshit down a kids,throat but not an adults. Did you{while on your program}ever wonder why if str8 was all that then why wasnt a line of 21 yo motherfuckers beating down the door"?
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in my intake iwas told this wouldnt be like when i was locked up before(sandhillsNC school for boys,Ivy ridge,correctional,sandhills MH center,orCamden Military Acadwmy.I could leave whenever i wanted.I was 16ish,dopesick,and un believeably depressed,these days I see it as being kidnappe by both my own parents,who if youdd have told magic beans would help would have signed anything. And just by deciet.desparate parents,taken advantage of in their time of weakness,by manipulative,wicked motherfuckers,who would pump that bullshit down a kids,throat but not an adults. Did you{while on your program}ever wonder why if str8 was all that then why wasnt a line of 21 yo motherfuckers beating down the door"?
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Seamus, I never thought of that. Good point.
Botched Programming, Thoreau says in order to find yourself you must first lose the world. This was something I somehow knew intuitively. I was never the type of survivor who tried to bury the memories or anything. I was always studyin and analyzin with a militant ferocity. I've already posted a few threads about the major breakdown I forced on myself after I spent 23 months on my phases and 6 months on aftercare. I played along until I could move out of my folks house and get an apt. with my straight girlfriend. A month after we got the apt. I started eatin acid regularly. I used the LSD to help me recover from $tr8 by using it as a catalyst to mental breakdown. I had at least 3 distinct personas or egos that had seperated out from who I was. One was the child who walked into $tr8 in Mar of 85 and who had withered and atrophied into a very fragile and scared part of me, hiding away from the world in the darkness of my soul. The 2nd was the $tr8 ego which I became in the joint and who I hated and detested but was trapped in, and the 3rd was the red-neck/hippie personality I adopted as a coping mechanism in order to make some attempt to relate to the world outside of the cult.
At one point, after about a year an' a half out I became aware of this dynamic within me. I was standing on the balcony of my apt. in the depths of financial and romantic crisis due to my inability to relate to society. I hadn't been able to keep a job anywhere since I left $tr8. I'm sure you can imagine the trouble I was in. I remember when it all first hit me; that I was developing seperate egos within myself. Seperate egos who were at war with each other. It was incredibly painful and scary to face. But there was no choice. I had to walk through the suffering.
I had to not only lose my world, but everything I knew. Everything I was attached to I had to break away from. I had to lose myself and I did.
This all went down in the years immediately after $tr8. I lost all my references. Couldn't have the simplest conversation with strangers at the bus stop. Couldn't understand the context of anything anyone was saying to me. I just could not relate and I don't think I even really wanted to at the time. It was very painful for me, but I knew I had to break free and gain strength before I could live my life.
Now, I'm not prescribing a drug induced nervous breakdown here. But in order to break the chains of conditioning which were put upon you in $tr8 you must seek to lose all contexts and all references, forget everything you know. Be re-born through new understandings. Go on an adventure. Let your life be that adventure. Seek to lose the world and you will be left with yourself. Once you know yourself you will begin to recognize your reflection in the world and understand how you project your own ego onto it. Once you realize the many forms your ego takes in the world you will begin to see the world for what it is and know your place in it.
It is a hard road to go down. You might not even get any rides. Might have to walk the whole road alone. Have courage, for one day Death will smile at you and I for one will want to smile back.
Sorry if I come across as arrogant. I have no fear of hypocrisy. My words speak for themselves and are only representations of "the narrowness of my own experience" as Thoreau put it, in Walden, and since I re-read this thread today, I realized I had an idea for you and for any who would so boldly ask such questions.
Lose it all and you will be left with what is real, or go to Bhutan for a year and live with the locals. Whatever path you choose to take, it has to be completely outside of your normal experience, in order to break you free of your conditioning.
These are my thoughts.
God is in you. I wish you Peace.
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:idea: Through direct and indirect confrontation of the perpetrators from back then and even today, it should be obvious as well as accompianied with great relief that this method would also work quite well. Like a backfire of sorts. Powerpurge your mind. That 'conditioning crap' will leave you in a relatively short order. They fear you (the truth) more than any fear you have of them or yourself.
Have faith, survival instincts beware, the onslaught is at hand, a tensioned rubber band, spreadin hope across the land, carvin wishes in the sand, hopin people understand... 8-)
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Beside the "sqeel lak a pig " line ,the best line from that movie is. "you've got to lose everything to find anything"
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Sometimes,I wonder if I was EVER cut out to spend too much time in close contact with people,most of the shit-assed stress I get in my life comes from some stupid fucker or another trying to bend my will in some whack way or another,so to a great extent,Im pretty anti-social ,always suspecting alterior motives to whatever people say.I mean I dont believe much that I dont see with my own 2 eyes.Trust? I trust in almost nothing.I can count the people I really trust on 1 hand & still have fingers left over.Straight did me no favors in that regard,I always had a tendancy to be like that but post-program,I became much worse.At times I lie just to keep people out of my buisiness,At times I want to go live like an Indian or something,pretty isolated,away from people.I even have trouble trusting my wife though she's never done a goddamn thing to betray me.I trust only in my dogs,and my guns really....MOST other things just let me down.Trust is such a fickle thing.