Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => The Troubled Teen Industry => Topic started by: try another castle on December 30, 2006, 06:33:50 AM
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Questions for survivors: Do any of you experience dissociation during moments of intimacy? (Sex, kissing, etc.)
Not like I got a whole lot of action before CEDU, but what little making out I did, the experience was quite different than after I got out. When I kissed people before, I felt "all there."
I slept with a woman less than six months after graduating, and I was really into her. When we first kissed, I was really turned on... up until the point when we kissed. Then it was like a piece of my brain broke off and decided to go somewhere else. Same thing when we had sex. It was as if there was a part of me that wasn't there. It was frustrating as hell, because I really wanted her, it's just that not all of my brain seemed to want to cooperate. I figured maybe it was an isolated incident.
But that pretty much happens with any kind of sexual thing with me. Dissociation. Part of me is gone. Even though I will try to make myself fully present. I think probably the only time it's minimal is when I'm blowing a guy, and that might be because I am the one in control. (However, it can and does happen then, too.) When it comes to kissing and sex... yeah... off in another world. Not by choice, either.
When I'm with trade, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, it's trade, after all. But in a relationship, it can really suck.
Besides, it WOULD be nice to get off with another person, once in a while.
Anyone here have similar problems?
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Well, that is the good thing about trade. No exchange of names, and kick them out when you are done...
I enjoy sex, and I am able to have it, it's just that there is this piece of me which isn't there. Especially when it comes to my partner trying to please me. I'm more about getting them off, and that's what is the most satisfying for me. Stone butch. Unfortunately, that is not fair to them, because most of them would like the same thing as well. As a result, I've had to look at sex as a non-goal oriented process when it comes to my own pleasure. That's ok with me, I guess, but the dissociation is extremely troublesome.
I've had two relationships. I got into both of them for the wrong reasons. After the last one, I swore I wouldn't have one for a very long time. The guy drove me fucking nuts. Towards the end, I didn't even want him to touch me I was so annoyed with him. The sucky thing was that he was apparently totally in love with me.
I think that's something I can say with certainty: I've never been in love. I've been infatuated, but never in love. Not really looking to be, either.
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I'm a fucking DOM now, and a good one at that.
I was not before I found fornits. Do the math.
This shit fucks us up by association! ARGH! Kinked me out to hell and back... at least I'm able to get people off really well.
I do know now that trust does not come as easily and I ALWAYS have in my mind just wanting to make sure no harm comes to them and they're able to be safe more than I ever did before, probably because I know how easy safety can go out the window, trust broken, hearts crushed and wills shattered. I'm insanely protective, but most like that in me, thankfully.
Where it gets genuinely weird, is when I see a baby, I always think "poor thing... I hope he has it better than I did, I hope his parents do their job, I hope he doesn't end up like me, I hope hes happy" and when I see kids in adolescence, or just starting it, I think to myself "oh goodie, they're just about to start going through hell... hope they make it out okay and run the gauntlet successfully".
I think more than anything now I've just been made jaded as hell, a little worse for the wear, but a lot more passionate. Oh so much more passionate. I just gotta make sure I train myself to be walked on a little less than I am now, as ironic as that is given how I can act in the bedroom :rofl:
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Really? You're a dom? Interesting...
I can't credit CEDU for making me a pervert. Perversion is hard-wired, IMO. I started to realize I was into masochism before I went to that place, I just didn't know how to deal with it.
Although, for me, S&M was never about sex. I think I had sex during only a couple of scenes, and they were simply one small part of it, as opposed to it being one of those "spank me three times then fuck me" things. It's been a while since I played, though. It was one of those things that we took as far as we could go, and then had kind of the ultimate scene, and we realized "Well, anything after that would be pretty anticlimactic." So we stopped. Doesn't mean I'm not open to it again, but I'm very particular about my tops. The beauty about being a submissive is that you are in control at all times. You just pretend not to be. wheeee!
I can't say for sure whether I dissociated during scenes. Normally, you are so loopy on endorphines that it's hard to tell. I don't think I did, because it wasn't about sex. I think I did start to drift off those couple of moments when sex was involved, though. But I came right back to the present again after that part was through.
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I like it because I get to insanely turn someone on on a psychological level not just a poke and rub level. Naturally any ensuing orgasm is uh... pretty intense and on the messy and furniture-soaking sort :rofl:
One thing is everyone I've been with like that wanted to actually give up control to me as much as they could, but its hard to make them feel genuinely out of control but still enjoy it... but doable. They just want to FEEL that way I think. One told me she wanted me to act like I owned her.
But yeah, its an insanely intimate thing, and if it leaves someone warm and fuzzy for a week, why not?
However, I really think I was just able to understand this part of the mind a little more after my exposure to program bullshit... and its given me a bit of perception into how the mental part of a program can fuck with people. Using that kind of stuff to really break someone down when they're out of control, especially KIDS and TEENAGERS... is some pretty strong and dangerous and harmful stuff!
@TSW - because they fucking love it? I don't consider my job done unless I've ruined a folded up towel or a piece of furniture :em:
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You two are freaks. What happened to getting wasted and screwing? Why you gotta eff it up with whips, chains, and paddles?
* slinks off hiding his flogger*
Well, like I said, sex and S&M are entirely different animals for me. When it comes to sex, I'm actually pretty vanilla. Whereas I prefer my S&M to be devoid of sex completely.
Not much into the whips, chains and paddles. I'm more of a cane, needles and scalpel guy.
But seriously, for those perv and non-perv survivors out there, please let me know if you have gone through this dissociation thing or not.
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I don't disassociate so much as find myself finally able to be really intimate with someone. I need to work on doing that in other ways.
And yeah, I don't do my kinks in a sexless way usually... though I did have a post-sex request for rough treatment and making someone feel controlled and smacked around I was happy to fulfill that I enjoyed too.
You seem to be more into the purely psychological 'scene play', something I'm not.
Also, needles and scalpels = oh so not my thing... got me there :o
I wonder why this shit messes with people so much. You would think we'd all realize how precious intimacy really is instead of have barriers or conditions for it...
Yeah, we need a freaking fornits support group already :-?
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Really? You're a dom? Interesting...
I can't credit CEDU for making me a pervert. Perversion is hard-wired, IMO. I started to realize I was into masochism before I went to that place, I just didn't know how to deal with it.
Although, for me, S&M was never about sex. I think I had sex during only a couple of scenes, and they were simply one small part of it, as opposed to it being one of those "spank me three times then fuck me" things. It's been a while since I played, though. It was one of those things that we took as far as we could go, and then had kind of the ultimate scene, and we realized "Well, anything after that would be pretty anticlimactic." So we stopped. Doesn't mean I'm not open to it again, but I'm very particular about my tops. The beauty about being a submissive is that you are in control at all times. You just pretend not to be. wheeee!
I can't say for sure whether I dissociated during scenes. Normally, you are so loopy on endorphines that it's hard to tell. I don't think I did, because it wasn't about sex. I think I did start to drift off those couple of moments when sex was involved, though. But I came right back to the present again after that part was through.
You know, with the BDSM thing, when the endorphins kick in it can kind of pull you away from yourself---you feel great, but it does pull you out of yourself if you get a really good scene.
That's a form of dissociation and somewhat may set you up. I'm not saying it's the cause.
I would suspect the cause is control. When you're giving head, you are in complete control of the actions--which is a little counter-intuitive, since you're a sub, but there it is.
You lost so much healthy control during your time at CEDU that you have to get back in touch with it.
Trusting your partner during sex enough for you to have a good time takes a certain degree of healthy boundaries.
Put another way, there's only so far your sense of boundaries (in the psychological jargon sense) can be effed up before it sabotages your ability to emotionally participate.
You're gun shy of voluntary intimacy because of the forced intimacy--such as intimate self-disclosure, lack of privacy--that was inflicted on you by CEDU.
To be able to be "all there" during sex, you're going to have to get your boundaries back on an instinctive level instead of just an intellectual level.
That's really hard to do without a good therapist.
I know Program survivors are also gun shy about therapists. Again, this goes to boundaries and control. You are used to lack of control about therapy in the exact same way as you are used to lack of control about intimacy.
Just taking the affirmative step of going to a good, ethical therapist and starting therapy---recognizing that you are in control of which therapist, finding one that meets your ethical criteria, finding one who respects you, and leaving if you decide that particular therapist isn't for you--that's good for you recovering a healthy sense of boundaries.
See, you will be accepting control of a therapeutic relationship. Control of that relationship is entirely within your own personal boundaries. Accepting that control and making that choice yourself faces your fear of forced, bad therapy and reinforces reclaiming your healthy boundaries.
That, in itself, is a step towards recovering your good boundaries enough to enjoy sexual intimacy.
Yes, you can control whether or not you see a therapist. But if you don't see one just because you're afraid, then you're not facing that fear. You sound like you're strong enough to face that one down. Exercising your choice of therapists and choosing to face that fear is a step forward all on its own.
You dissociate because your control is threatened, you don't know where your boundaries are, you now see control in black and white--which is why you can do scenes, too. In scenes, the control is black and white.
Julie
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Also, needles and scalpels = oh so not my thing...
I'll make a point not to show you the pictures, then. :P
You seem to be more into the purely psychological 'scene play', something I'm not.
I wouldn't say it's strictly psychological. It's very physical. I mean, it's all about physical sensation. Just not sexual. I know other people who feel the same way about it. My top felt that way, too. We had a connection that was strictly about S&M Daddy/boy. Now, we're simply very good friends. The thought of fucking him would seem incestuous. He's like my brother.
Julie, thanks for the feedback. I do indeed have a therapist. I've been seeing him for about ten years. I've always felt that it was a control issue, as you have stated. It's just that it feels so involuntary when it happens, I'm not sure how much he can help with the issue. I've been talking to him about it, though.
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Think of the forced intimicy like a skilled dom that you didn't choose and didn't want and would like to get away from inflicting scenes on you unwillingly and pulling the strings right so that you have to respond to the scene with the endorphins that feel good.
You get the pleasure, but you know darned well you didn't choose this and didn't want it---except with the pleasure, there's that little voice that has to wonder if you did want it---except you really did say no and mean it---except at some point in that when it started feeling good did your response constitute consent from then on---except....
Round and round it goes. Below the surface of your mind even if not consciously.
Which the Program does with its coercive techniques for getting you all keyed up in a negative way and then forcing the endorphins out with some kind of release of tension technique, usually accompanied by some variant of love bombing (or approval bombing---"Oh, you're finally making progress! We're so proud of you!")
Screws you up in the same way as if you'd been imprisoned and raped or imprisoned and subjected to scenes by a skilled (but criminal) dom--for months or years!--you said no to.
Recovery for me as a rape survivor has included realizing that no really did mean no and I had a right for it to be respected, but that some human responses are push-button and someone who takes physical control over you and can push those buttons regardless of your having said no. I still did say no, like other rape victims, and the bastard succeeding at pushing my buttons makes his crime worse. It doesn't make me complicit in my own victimization. Everybody has buttons that can be pushed whether we want them to be or not, and it screws everybody up when that happens, which is why imprisoning another human being and pushing their buttons is such an evil thing to do.
Being imprisoned and mentally raped for an extended period screwed up all your intimacy relations across the spectrum.
Rape victims do not become mostly-recovered survivors without some sort of treatment, either professional or through a damned skilled shade-tree counselor who is a professional in all but name and pay.
It wasn't your fault. You said no, you meant no, and you were forced anyway. That's rape, whether psychologically or sexually. It does the same damage, so it really doesn't matter a damn how they damaged you. You said no, they forced intimacy on you. That they succeeded in pushing some or all of your buttons does not make you complicit in your own violation in any way whatsoever.
You know that intellectually.
Not knowing it in your gut is why your sex life is still fucked up.
Get treatment.
It might be a great idea to seek out therapists who treat a lot of rape victims. Among that set of therapists, you'll probably find one fairly quickly who can generalize from treating rape victims to treating you, because, again, psychologically it's the same damn thing.
It would be just like treating a rape victim who had been imprisoned and raped repeatedly over however long you were at CEDU.
What does long-term psychological damage from rape is not the physically having a dick poked in a hole or two--that is, frankly, no different from getting punched out by a drunk bully in a bar. What does long term psychological damage from rape is the psychological forced intimacy.
Same damned thing.
It's a truism in the psychological community and the rape survivor community, for damned good reason, that rape victims don't recover without treatment---the trauma just gets shoved below the surface and festers.
That's you.
Julie
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Interesting... I never viewed it in the same way as rape trauma before, but yeah, it is forced intimacy that makes you feel shitty about yourself sexually.
I'll definitely talk with my therapist about it and ask him about his experience treating rape survivors.
damn... I'm a mess.
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Another BTW since this subject punches all of my hot buttons.
I've heard Program survivors say, "At least I wasn't raped."
Yeah, you were. Same forced intimacy, same damage, same kind of treatment necessary for recovery.
Yeah, you were.
And it wasn't your fault.
Saying you were a bad kid is like saying a woman was dressed slutty so "she was askin' for it."
It's just as much bullshit when your parents, the Program, or even you say it as it is when people say it about a rape victim.
You could walk down the strip at two in the morning stark naked and you still wouldn't deserve rape.
You could be the wildest teen, or the worst criminal, and you still wouldn't deserve mental rape.
Do criminals deserve incarceration if they're convicted in a fair trial? Sure. Society needs to do that to protect the rest of us.
Do criminals deserve to be subjected to the mental rape of the Program while incarcerated? Absolutely not. Criminals do get raped in prison, but they don't deserve it and any humane way society can figure out to reduce the risk and incidence of inmates raping each other we are morally obligated to do.
The Program is mental rape.
Nobody deserves that, no matter what you did or do.
So, "At least I wasn't raped"? Yeah, you were. And like all rape, it was completely and totally not your fault.
But nobody can no that in their gut without post-rape-type treatment of some kind from somebody good at what they do.
Pay 'em or don't pay 'em, diploma over the door or no, self-selected treatment is self-selected treatment.
Julie
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That last was the generic "you" referring to Program survivors in general.
Julie
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I've never really felt sex to be all that intimate. I don't kiss during sex, if anything because of the heavy breathing makes it difficult. I find your question very interesting in a variety of ways, intriguing really.
I wouldn't say I dissocciate during sex, I go into a animalistic trance, become another person with ten times the energy and just go at it without any civilized pretense. So for me to slow down and make out words and talk about love and kiss, I'm way below that in my brain, the best I can do is grunt and smile. Intimacy bothers me a lot though, I guess I am lucky I can dissociate sex from intimacy in that way. I don't know if this makes sense, but if someone wanted to sit down for an hour on a park bench and hold hands and talk sweet nothings into my ear, that would seriously bother me, I become physically uncomfortable, and my instinct which can become overwhelming is to attack, and flee. This has gotten me in trouble before. I was walking my dogs and a car pulled up along side me. I thought it was a person I used to know, who I didn't like who stopped to give me shit. So without thinking I started banging on the hood screaming get the fuck away from me or I'll hurt you, and it ended up just being some old couple who wanted to get a closer look at my dogs. :-?
I still have a big problem with people coming up behind me. Hugging is forced and akward. I feel on a chemical level, on a purely instinctual level, I am much more comfortable when I am either by myself, or with one of a few trusted associates, and even then I still have my suspicians.
I have a problem with taking labels like a lot of people like to do. I can be dating someone for a year and I will still introduce them as "my friend". I purposely sabotage relationships to prove to whomever necessary that I am unreliable, unpredictable and ultimately will leave before things get stable.
But I can turn these things off to a certain extent. Thats why drugs and alochol are such great companions to sex.
But yeah, I dissoaciate all my thoughts and memories, have since I was a young kid so I don't think it was the programs so much, it just helped reinforce it a time when I really didn't need that.
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http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml (http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml)
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http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml
Just because someone has dissociation issues during sex doesn't make them a borderline personality case.
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True enough. But the ability to "feel one's feelings" is an integral part of a healthy personality.
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What is a "healthy personality" or a "borderline personality" or even a "disordered personality"? We are all individuals and different in our own ways. Why the rush to box everybody in and make everyone the same?
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No one is trying to box anybody in or put any labels on them.
Fact is there is such a thing as a disordered personality.
Problems with intimacy and disassociation are not in and of themselves indicative of a personality disorder. But neither should they be dismissed.
BPD central has load of info on personality disorders which I found very interesting, not threatening or offensive in the least. This is a bonafide emotional/mental health issue that requires professional treatment not being tossed into a BM warehouse or so-called "emotional growth" school. There is a specific kind of therapy that appears to be very promising for BP's. Perhaps someone might find this website helpful if they are in a relationship with a BP? That's how I learned all about this stuff. Anyway, just wanted to be helpful, that's all. I am not a judgmental kinda person, I think everyone is unique and special in their own way.
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I understand that, but this thread isn't about personality disorders. It's about sexual dysfunction among survivors. Can people develop borderline personality disorder from a program? Possibly. But BPD is so vague and vast in its diagnosis (trust me, I've talked extensively with my shrink about this) that I think that it's beyond the scope of what I am trying to discuss here.
The thing I'm trying to stick to here is sex/intimacy after being in a program.
I know, far be it for be to be a nazi about a thread topic. Lord knows I've derailed many, but the personality disorder discussion is just so HUGE, and I think we've got enough to talk about just dealing with the immediate issue.
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from a while back..
http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?t=12967 (http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?t=12967)
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from a while back..
http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?t=12967 (http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?t=12967)
Thanks for that link, anon.
Brought up some interesting thoughts on my end.
I feel that Julie hit it on the head. It's a boundary and control issue. Similar to what happens with rape victims. And that, unfortunately, it probably won't simply go away by itself. I keep telling myself that I simply haven't found the right person to "give it up" to. But I've had lots of partners, and the only common denominator so far is myself, so obviously, it's not about finding the right person at all, because I've found quite a few people!
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:o Fornits psychotherapy?
Damn I've seen it all... what did I wake up to??
And yeah, coming from the 'other' point of view... Ive always had people wanting so desperately to feel intimate but also safe at the same time, and go figure smacking them around, saying humiliating words or 'controlling' them is one way they feel that way.
What a screwed up animal we are. Though I must say malicious hitting and a controlled slap on the ass are far cries from eachother. And don't even bring up "spanking" as a way of punishing children either. Ugh, sick.
I do know that personally I get to get over my own issues of trust and giving up control when someone else hands me the reigns, and it definitely acts as a social lubricant in the sense that nobody has any question of what to do, its all sort of laid out in one way or another.
Not that I mind vanilla sex at all. Hell no. Just sometimes I feel like making someone boil over instead of just simmer. That and youve never had someone snuggle you until they just got mind-fucked in the good way for a hour or so, damn near pass out when they got off, and then get a little chilly from sweating so much :)
But yeah, Ive never had the whole kinky bdsm thing seperate from sex except once, and thats because she never asked to get roughly handled, talked dirty or or smacked until after we did it and she didn't get all she wanted. I definitely enjoyed making her happy, I didn't get off on it in terms of getting to control and humiliate someone. I dont think it really counts as either if they want it and ask for it and get a shit eating grin from it... but in my mind that was just another way to please her.
I dont want to control or do things to people for the sake of doing so, its only because people want it and I enjoy giving it, yanno?
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Right. Well, when it's consenting adults, it's fun.
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All that smushing couldn't have been good for you.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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you are going to throw up!
I'm a fucking DOM now, and a good one at that.
Then you will like this stories:
http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/Jens ... nished.txt (http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/JensenDenmark/Banished.txt)
http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/Jens ... cation.txt (http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/JensenDenmark/AdditionalEducation.txt)
http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/Jens ... anners.txt (http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/JensenDenmark/GoodManners.txt)
And the chapters from "Amsterdam March 2001" in
http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/Jens ... eSmell.txt (http://www.asstr.org/files/Authors/JensenDenmark/TheSmell.txt)
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That's nothing. You'd puke if you saw where I got Luke from.
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I always wondered why people seem to fantasize about the very thing we're out to stop when they have a fetish for control, etc...
... but then deny that this actually happens when told about it.
Its like people know, but they don't. Or, control freaks and sadists just fantasize about this anyway and *gasp* ITS REAL.
Also, yeah, much worse is out there. And no I dont get off on abuse or non-con... bleh.
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Whats so funny is that I thought that was a real survivors account until they get up to the part about the corset.I was thinking oh that poor girl- how can they do this to us
..(theres no way Jay Kay would spend the money necessary to buy a high quality corset like that)
though he did say( I paraphase)
"sex between staff and the girls issnt necessarily abuse ....these arent your collegiate prep school types
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Cab somebody please post that porno about tranquilty bay on every stuggling teen website out there.
There is no better description of program-- the sort of mentality that parents have to lend themselves to, that the "counselors" have and the abasement of the kids then that.
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Whats so funny is that I thought that was a real survivors account until they get up to the part about the corset.I was thinking oh that poor girl- how can they do this to us
..(theres no way Jay Kay would spend the money necessary to buy a high quality corset like that)
though he did say( I paraphase)
"sex between staff and the girls issnt necessarily abuse ....these arent your collegiate prep school types
About sex between staff and the detainees. I have mailed for sometime with a former student from Aspen Ranch (for yet another page on wikipedia). She has been at Aspen Achievement Academy, Turnabout Ranch and Aspen Ranch. She liked the first two of them, but claims that there is sex between staff and detainees at Aspen Ranch.
Of course I can not publish the claim on wikipedia because it was a private mail, but when a person actually like AAA (from where the takedown video-clip came from "Brat Camp UK series 3") and Turnabout Ranch I believe her.
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Didn't TAR let someone die from a SPIDER BITE?
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It happened on Thayer Learning Center.
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Roberto Reyes, age 15, died at Thayer Learning Center in Missouri.
Roberto was covered with "unexplained" bruises, but the coroner attributed his death to a spider bite.
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from: http://www.isaccorp.org/deaths.asp (http://www.isaccorp.org/deaths.asp)
Here is a site about those story links above.
http://geocities.com/meditationinlet (http://geocities.com/meditationinlet)
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it wasnt a spider bite anymore than Andersons death in Florida was sickle cell anemia
WHat he dies of is something broought on by overexercize, dehydration, etc.
You know how they warn you abour over exercizing when you start intense training programs?
(body image problems)
Thats what it is. They worked that boy to death
only question is...what is the connection between the authorites and TLC that encourage this coroner to engage in, essentially, a cover up-?
Why do these coronoers attribute sickle cell anemia, or the ever popular "enlarged heart" cause death endlessly attributed to kids who die from being "restrained" or overworked on WPs, sometimes they apply this diagnoses to 8 kids in a row from the same facility! (VQ)
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BTW...
I actually bothered to read Banished, right?
This is just a BDSM'd (and non-con) version of what I've heard about Tranquility Bay.
To a "t".
Even the fucking terminology.
This is basically a parody of tranquility bay... the last paragraphs say it all:
In the start I had difficulties bonding with people, but Paula
visited us and gave me therapy. I am also in touch with Susan.
Some have asked me if I hold a grudge against my parents for
sending me there. I will come to that. You have all read about
the children returning home from a program saying that it had
saved their lives. I used to think so in the start, but Paula?s
therapy made me overcome it. Today I think that would have done
as good as I did without the stay in the program. There is just
one thing I couldn?t have done as good without the program. I
control Brian. It turns him on to be harnessed and cuffed by me.
Unfortunately my parents got hurt in a traffic accident, so I
have to send them to a nursing room. Where did I put the
brochure? Oh, here it is ?Abu Ghraib nursing home? ? seems like a
nice place.
END
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Check the names - Paula and Susan. Know anyone by those names?
Parody indeed.
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Check the parent/child seminar shit.
:rofl:
Wow, what a way to protest WWASPS... I think we do need to fire up that fake program afterall :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Not all of us are laughing at this. :flame:
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PAULA AND SUE?!?!?! HELLLOOOOOooooooooooo....
This is rather clearly a parody and a good one at that.
I think this was done by someone who actually went through this shit trying to find their own way to work through it...
At any rate, this definitely proves at least one point I've been trying to make :lol:
I wonder how lon foolsbury is going to react to this shit? Hell... imagine if a staffer made this! :rofl:
But yeah, this is the same M.O. these programs use, except its very obviously a case of domination and control and "PAIN = GAIN" without any medical/psychological/emotional growth quackery to obfuscate it.
I gotta find the author.
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How many Danes are there with an interest in Tranquility Bay?
How many of them have that particular writing style, with that particular lack of English writing skills?
C'mon out, Covergaard. I've hunted people down and ruined their careers for writing this sort of thing before, but since you were obviously trying to be parodic and make a point I'll give you a pass.
I was in a place in Tennessee which turned out to be run by bondage fetishes?. The counsellors had their bizarre interest published on their private myspace pages
You will be surprised to learn how very little dissimilarity there are between torture in war zone and what is going on in the so-called Therapeutic Boarding School like this place.
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I'll give you a pass.
Fuckin' killjoy.
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I dont think its a intentional satire. But a very good unintentional satire.
The guy who wrote it clearly speaks English as a second language. So I doubt hes a survivor. Also there was alot of forced blow jobs and masterbations that were ahem extrenuous to satire.The truth is If your into sexual slavery fantasy TB is going to provide alot of inspiration- thats about it.
But it is an actual UNINTENTIONAL crystalization of program existance. Clearly everything that goes on ther has nothing to do with therepy- just constant degredation, humiliation, abasement, violation, being a "slave" in every sense possible. More a slave, than an actual slave because real slaves arent deliberately broken down every moment of their waking hours in order to make them "love their master" - its enough that they obey, not submit deep into their mind.
What this porn captures so clearly is the process of eroding the mind.
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Two things that kill me?
1. a LOT of people would *love* that
2. this might be LESS abusive than what wwasps actually does.
:o
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I know one girl who was in a lockdown facility where the group tried to coerce her into thinking any sexual activity she had before entering the program was "rape". That's a tough one to get over....
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it IS less abusive in that if you read the story the actors are always respectful of eachother (except for tying them up and "molesting" them)
Emotionally they are tender and sensitive. (like in consesual s&m) Even when the kid is told being raped is her fault its not like it is in program-ie you pathetic discusting, repulsive etc...no one has ever liked you, you are a complete failure you will always be a complete failure you are insane and are incabable of anything by 20 different people. She is told she is responsible for being raped in a soft "paternalistic" supportive fashion. Everyone has sympathy for eachother ie. I know this is hard for you..etc.
Thats where the story gets it wrong
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This was a fantasy for someone, after all... :(
Now, if I wanted to make a point and make something along the lines of a psychological horror story about what a program is like, well, I guess I know who to critique it.
Ugh... I sure would like something positive today. At least I got a chuckle out of that story!
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Questions for survivors: Do any of you experience dissociation during moments of intimacy? (Sex, kissing, etc.)
Not like I got a whole lot of action before CEDU, but what little making out I did, the experience was quite different than after I got out. When I kissed people before, I felt "all there."
I slept with a woman less than six months after graduating, and I was really into her. When we first kissed, I was really turned on... up until the point when we kissed. Then it was like a piece of my brain broke off and decided to go somewhere else. Same thing when we had sex. It was as if there was a part of me that wasn't there. It was frustrating as hell, because I really wanted her, it's just that not all of my brain seemed to want to cooperate. I figured maybe it was an isolated incident.
But that pretty much happens with any kind of sexual thing with me. Dissociation. Part of me is gone. Even though I will try to make myself fully present. I think probably the only time it's minimal is when I'm blowing a guy, and that might be because I am the one in control. (However, it can and does happen then, too.) When it comes to kissing and sex... yeah... off in another world. Not by choice, either.
When I'm with trade, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, it's trade, after all. But in a relationship, it can really suck.
Besides, it WOULD be nice to get off with another person, once in a while.
Anyone here have similar problems?
Yes.
In fact the last 3 women I dated commented on it when I was kissing them for the first time. I wanted to kiss them badly. I was very turned on by them. But as soon as the kiss started a strange feeling swept over me.
Disconnect would be the best way to describe it.
Thanks RMA!
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It's a truism in the psychological community and the rape survivor community, for damned good reason, that rape victims don't recover without treatment---the trauma just gets shoved below the surface and festers.
Unless the dumb pricks fail to push your buttons and there's one decent human being around to show a little sympathy and concern.
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So who got laid while in a program?
What sucks so much about SCL was that the boys and girls were completely seperated, we didn't even get to look at each other. The program I was in before that was also just for boys, even though it was a lot more open than a wwasps program. But during my stays at two other kinds of programs, we all intermingled, and I think it made it a lot more easy.
At SCL the sexual environment was non existant. Jerking it was a punishable offense and we all slept in an open room with a dude sitting in the middle no further than 10 feet at all times from us while we slept. So the only time to mess around really was in the shower, and those were timed... if you were lucky you got 4 minutes. A friend of mine had managed to tear out a small wallet sized picture of some girl from a magazine somewhere, and he hid it in his stuff. That was a big deal, he would show it around at night like it was something special, but I guess it was at the time.
Psych hospitals were a whole other deal. Girls galore, after lights out it we had so much fun sneaking around to each others rooms. :oops:
Good times.
Well.. not at SCL or the other programs that keep the sexes apart.. that shit sucks.
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At least at CEDU we were given the luxury of beating off. Just thumbtack that blanket around your bunk bed and whack it. That, and the sexes were integrated. Not like that interested me at the time...
Although, lord, were we made to feel bad about sex.
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Although, lord, were we made to feel bad about sex.
:o
Thats crazy.. was that a part of the seminars/workshops things? Luckily 'sex' was never an issue of mine and it never came up and isnt really a part of my whole program experience.. god man, thats fucked up!
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Oh, sure. Pretty girls would be accused of being sluts and whores in raps, and of course, sex was forbidden. I was a particularly large target because of my fagginess, especially since I had such a big mouth about it when I got there. Good lord, did Caroline tear me a new one about that.
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I remember during the first seminar I went to there was a brother and sister. They finally started admitting to incest and for some reason this was a good thing and they were the most popular kids in the whole seminar... yeah, they gave themselves completely to the facilitator and parents. Because fuck, they ripped them UP hardcorde! I hope they were lying but I don't think they were. Yeah I noticed when girls admitted to sex stuff they rubbed that in their faces too. How parents can think this shit helps is beyond me. WAY beyond me. Were there ever parents at your guys workshops? THere were a dozen parents present at our seminars staffing them. Ignorant my ass.
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They had watered down workshops that the parents went through. I think my mom told me briefly about one. They only had two or three. It was like comparing being decapitated to stubbing your toe.
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only question is...what is the connection between the authorites and TLC that encourage this coroner to engage in, essentially, a cover up-?
Here's a fairly good explanation right here...
http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?p=239793#239793 (http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?p=239793#239793)
In a nutshell, it's a movement or religion; ya might even call TOUGHLOVE! a hate group. Ya might... never know.
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bump