9
« on: January 10, 2012, 02:21:17 PM »
One of the things that freak me out is if I get hit by a bus, my two young sons would have access to it. They have only known me as mother and teacher - someone who doesn't smoke, rarely drinks, and doesn't get engaged in any craziness but good clean fun and adventure. They see me as strong and independent. They don't know how miserable and troubled I was, how depressed.... the traumas and abuses and untethered life I led, the neglect and the lack of self value. Or how unprotected I was... I don't know if I'd want them to read all that. Their grandmother is an awesome grandma and I wouldn't want them to read about how un-parented I was. Hell, reading it again, and remembering all those feelings of helplessness was really unpleasant and sad. I also threw away so many relationships post-CEDU or sort of detached because I didn't know where they fit in my life schema. CEDU said bare all, even to the undeserving, have no boundaries... it also sort of colored my perception that every relationship in the outside world is shallow and impure... it left me seeking the ultimate transcendental connection which is just bullshit. Relationships are forged on the exigencies and trivialities of everyday life. Not some propheet experential from Lifespring.
I don't know if I can read those journals again. What is the purpose?