Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

This topic has been on my mind quite a bit as of late.  How many of you out there that have been through programs are into body modification?  How many tattoo freaks do we have out there?  How many of us set off metal detectors when we go to the airport?  Any split tongues?  Any subdermal or transdermal implants?

I'll start it off I guess: After I got out of ASR I got about 20 piercings, ears, lip, tongue, septum, and some miscellaneous surface piercings along my collarbones, which I eventually scaled back to stretched earlobes, a big ring through my septum, and a barbell in my tongue.  My back is covered in ink, I'm working on covering my legs and arms, I've got one on my chest and one on my inner lip.  10 pieces so far if you count my back as 1 piece.  I'm planning to split my tongue eventually, as well as some minor filing and sharpening of my canines.  Probably just gonna stick to ink for the most part.

So how about the rest of you?  Am I the only one trying to turn themselves into a walking canvas/pincushion?

Sorry if this belongs somewhere else on this forum.  After 14 months at the Academy at Swift River, I've found that I've had significant issues involving opening up about my experience to anyone, let alone a prospective significant other.  I feel almost incapable of real intimacy with a partner, and I have a lot of issues concerning paranoia and trust thanks to my experiences.  Aside from the extreme difficulty of trusting new people in my life, I find  my reactions to perceived betrayals of trust disproportionate.  Hell, I get emotional if I see something on tv that reminds me of it.  It's cost me a lot of pain and suffering, almost ruined a lot of the friendships that kept me from reverting to suicide in some of my worse moments.  The rage just flares up and consumes me at the mere mention of friends who have turned on me, even those that I want to forgive, even years later.  I often think that I'm never going to be able to enjoy a real relationship, partially due to my experiences, partially due to my own pessimism about relationships given my past.  The only family I have that understood any of this was my mother, because of a similar experience in a mental hostpital.  Unfortunately, just as we started to love and trust each other and work together, as I learned how my father, stepmother, psychologist and grandparents had pressured her into sending me away, she died of cancer.  So here I am, without a single trusted elder, owning a house at 21, renting out rooms to afford the bills, dealing with roommates who deal cocaine behind my back, bring home surprise pets, wake me up when I'm trying to sleep between a job and school, a really twisted family that doesn't acknowledge anything I've said about my experience and who I end up fighting with so much I can't even think about recovering from ASR, let alone dealing with my childhood abuse or recovering from my mother's death.  But I don't want to complain, I want to work on it.  And I know no man is an island, but my entire support network consists of a handful of friends, many of which know none of this, a few of which who know a decent amount, and only a couple who really know a lot.  I see a therapist, and he's been a tremendous help in processing all this, but it isn't enough.  Since my biological family is harmful if anything, a significant other could be a very good thing.  I've done as well as I can on my own, and my future looks good, I'm on my way towards a career I love, I have good friends, I've been taking care of my physical and mental health as well as I can, and I've managed to work through a lot of my depression and appreciate the good things in my life as much as possible.  I've managed to live my life ethically as well.  I don't lie, I don't cheat in any way, sexually or competitively, I don't resort to violence, I work hard, I treat my friends with respect and generosity, I've done everything I can to help my little sister by trying to help my parents to learn from their mistakes in the past, and by being a good role model for her, trying to teach her self respect by praising her as much as possible, since she doesn't get much of that from her parents, and trying to help her with a compulsive eating disorder, as I struggle with my own.  I'm proud of who I am and all I've accomplished, both for myself and what I've done for others.  I can sincerely say that I've improved the lives of every friend I've had, and been kind to strangers, meeting courtesy with generosity, and hostility with respectful communication, not violence or antagonism.
I haven't been perfect, but I've done as well as I could.  I can't do any better on my own.  I'm reaching out for help.
I'd sincerely appreciate any advice from survivors and their significant others, as all I've wanted to do since leaving ASR is to put it behind me and live a happy life, and I know that a relationship couldn't do any good if I can't address these trust issues, and then only if I were with someone who understood all this, so I need to be able to explain it too.  If any of you out there can help, I don't think I need to tell you how much this matters to me.