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« on: January 27, 2003, 01:25:00 AM »
Copied and Pasted from a post made on my AARC forum (not by me).
" Ok ready for some honesty? Here goes. I was a member of Stright/Phoenix Institute for adolescents during 92-94. I was put on a setback during second phase, I think that was a standard practice if you didn't 'misbehave'. That way, sice most people are full of shit anyway, they can make you think they can 'sense' the guilt or something. So, since I actually thought I had a problem and wanted assistance, I did exactly what they told me to do. Which as you all know included sharing many intimate details about myself. Many of which were horribly degrading sexual acts. Was I happy, probrobly not, but I was in a place where I wasn't dead. All that talk struck a chord with me because I knew I was at the brink of suicide and had told my parents that I needed to get away from them and get help somewhere before I was dead. That glimmer of infantecimal hope had been extinguished, I knew I would never make out of life what I wanted. I tried to be courteous and friendly, even to my abusive captors. I mean I was still alive right? There wasn't too much else to be happy about in my life at that point. On one day, as hope seemed to be entering back into my life, I must have been smiling too much or something. In goal setting at the begining of the day a rude little bitch called Camile decided to say I had to be dishonest because no one could be as happy as I seemed to be in Straight, and I needed to 'get real' and 'get honest'. Camile If you read this... Fuck you! Well this seemed to catch on like wildfire, because 'Tom' a snaggle-toothed redneck child abuser had taken me as hit pet because I came in trying to 'work the program'. This is probrobly the reason that accusation caught on like wildfire. I had just skipped off of 1st phase in 2 weeks or close to it. I was confronted relentlessly for 2-3 weeks for anything I may have held back or not disclosed. My parents were even told by my second phase leader that I said my dad had sexually molested me, when I had said nothing of the sort. I had actually been relating a childhood memory that I remembered him carrying me near the woods in the darkness and had been crying to go back. They kept wanting to know what I was holding back, so there was nothing, day after day, after day, after day.... Then I came up with it! There could have been only one thing that I was dishonest about. You see I was a charismatic and extreemly likeable person before I came to treatment. I didn't make it a habit to call people on their crap and accepted lies as mere embelishments, and I lied plenty myself as well at that time. Perhaps I was being torn apart on my inside from the flashes of sexual abuse I tried to block out, but I was still charasmatic and had a large network of friends. Well, that was it you see, I didn't like treating people like crap. So that's what I got honest with. The only other newcomer I ever yelled at was a kid called Nick, and that was because he threatened me with a poolstick and spit in my face. He's lucky I didn't kill him in the back window of the 'host dads' car. I had just told the host parent and all the other phasers I would knock the hell out of them and see them in jail if they tried to stick their fingers up his ass, because he said that he had a pen shoved up it. As repayment for me always being non-intrusive with him and letting him sit in silence if he wished he had spat in my face, when I was the only one that prevented him from being sexually molested. Course ADD kids have never cared for me in the least for some reason. So that was my one 'mistake' after 'getting honest'. Now, that I've examined the proverbial mote in my own eye, time for the 'gnat' in yours. There were plenty of people that would tell me out of group, man I think it's really great that you made a stand like that. I really agree with you man and the like. These same people would go back to the build ing and host homes and yell and scream at their newcomers. One of them even found great pleasure in having one of his newcomers ask to pick up and play with his turds. No, don't worry he was only put on a setback that lasted half the time of mine, and even though he started working the program far after me graduated months ahead of me. I would stand up to the staff members when they threatened to 'call days in'. Tell them I would still not confront viciously because then I would be breaking the 1st most important rule. Which is honesty for all of you that have forgoten. I also found out the honesty thing was just a joke when I graduated. That everyone had been holding 'something' back. Oh if I would have known, all the things I wouldn't have said...
Now it seems that those who aren't dead and are all doing fine. Well not me. I can rarely get up enough desire to ever leave my home. I am depressed and miserable. I have recurring dreams where I am back in school in treatment and I cry uncontrollably for myself and without end, and I wake daily/nightly from whichever sleep schedule I'm on today in soaking sweat. I am terrified to go to seek any sort of counseling, all my counselers have screwed me over. My first psychologist told my parents never to reveal my IQ scores, of couse it was fine for my brother to know his, so I grew up thinking I was retarded but had learned to learn in my own way so no one would know. Another family counselor would recommend 'Straight' to my parents, of couse he never saw me. My psycologist in PIfA told me he was going to turn in the center for the string of abuses that I suffered at their hands. Of course instead he took a salary and 'guy's group' became 'Greg's group'. I stayed the course through terrible emotional torture to graduate. I didn't want the program to be a crutch for me. Didn't want to ever look back and say, "you know, my life could have been different if only i'd graduated PIfA". Of course according to all your sites that I've seen so far there was no abuse that occured there. They just changed instantly from their ways. If anything was kinder and gentler in that place it was because I insisted upon it.
So when I want help I've looked here. You're all so critical of 'Stright'. Whining about how they're all out for money. Well what about you all? Am I supposed to be happy people were winning suits against the place I was imprisoned in while I was imprisoned? I've seen no money, but it looks like this Straight recovery thing is turing into a booming busines. Why I even found that I would only have to pay a psychiatrist $100 for the first half-hour! How wonderful! Especially when I can't even hold a job, because I can't lie and falsy stroke people's ego, and that's the way life is. Everyone lies. I used to be able to lie, to be charasmatic, to get along with people. Now, just like this post, everything is an argument. I have problems reading for long periods of time and I used to love curling up with a good Stephen King book or some other horror and reading most of the day. I don't think I've been able to finish a book since I left treatment, or finish school, or work...
So what is my point? It makes me angry that you were all able to abuse the hell out of your newcommers for no other reason then you were told. You are all no better then the Nazi's in Germany during WWII that were 'just following orders'. I watched at least four child molesters walk out of that place free. Perhaps some of you who are 'doing fine' now are them. You must have your new young thing at your side or something. Even if not, it irritates me to no end how as soon as it wasn't called Straight you all think the abuse stopped, and also that you feel fine. I'm sorry but I don't think 'child abusers' should ever feel 'fine'. Of course I guess psychiatry is the new church, pay enough money and they'll brainwash you into having peace of mind. Even though you don't deserve it. I hope and pray to the one and only god, Science, will soon crush your false religion to."
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