Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: dragonfly on November 05, 2005, 06:35:00 PM
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
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This guy goes on a business trip to New York, his company is putting him up in New Jersey. He gets bored and decides to go to a bar to have a drink. He sees a very attractive woman at the other end of the bar and tells the bartender he wants to buy her a drink. The bartender tells him that she is a prostitute and that he should just go tell her what he wants. He approaches the woman and asks if she is indeed, 'working', she says yes, and suggests they go outside to the parking lot to discuss the transaction. He asks how much she charges for a hand job, she replies "Five hundred dollars". ""$500 for a hand job? I know this is NY, but that seems very expensive".
She says "I give the best hand jobs in the world, and they cost $500. Do you see that Ferrarri parked there? I bought that car with money I made giving hand jobs. If you don't think it's worth it, you don't have to pay."
The guy thinks, well, I can't lose, so he says OK. They get into the Ferarri and she gives him the best hand job he's ever had. He's happy to give her $500.
"Hey, someone who gives hand jobs as good as yours, I bet you give really good head, too."
"Yes, I give the best blowjobs in the world, they cost $2500"
"$2500! That's a lot of money for a blow job!" he replies.
"See that condominium across the street? I own that building and I live in the penthouse suite. I bought that building with money I made giving blow jobs. Come upstairs with me, I'll blow you in my living room, if you don't think it's worth it, you don't have to pay."
The guy figures it's a deal, so they go up to the penthouse, where he receives the best blow job of his life. He gladly pays the hooker $2500. He looks around the penthouse, admiring the furniture, and the decor, particularly a picture window looking out towards the lights of Manhatten.
He says "Someone like you must be a really wild fuck. How much to fuck you?" he asks.
The prostitute points out the picture window. "Do you see that island out there? Manhatten? If I had a pussy I'd own that thing".
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In a small midwestern town there lived a Baptist minister and a Catholic priest who were very close friends. Every Wednesday they had lunch and a game of chess and, very often, discussed (in strictest confidence, of course) the various matters of their respective congregations and sought each other's advice about how best to deal w/ them. Shop talk, in other words.
One of these days, the minister complained to the priest that theft had become an issue in his congregation. He'd heard complaints and grumblings, speculation about who the guilty party or parties might be for some time. It had gotten so bad that the minister's own bike had gone missing.
The priest suggested to his friend that he deliver a sermon on the 10 commandments. Then, when you get to the 8th, pause meaningfully and search the faces of your congregation. Whether the thief gives themselves away or not, they'll feel guilty and maybe stop doing it.
So, the next Wednesday rolls around. The priest asks his friend how it went. "Great" says the minister. "Oh, so the thief confessed?" "No", says the Baptist, "I got as far as the 7th and remembered where I'd left my bicycle".
India Indicas, Mr. Peabody?
-- Sherman
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once apon a time a cajun girl came home all excited and said"mama , when I turn 16 Boudreuax said he goin' to take me to florida" Mama said "girl what you talkin' bout"? He said as soon as I turns 16 he goin' to t
ampa wit' me.
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The chicken and egg were sitting in bed after having sex. The chicken lights up a cigarette and lets out a long, satisfied moan. The egg just rolled over in a huff and turns out the light.
"What's wrong?" asked the chicken. "Wasn't it good for you?"
To which the egg answered, "Let's just say I think we know the answer to that old question!"
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A gynocologist gets tired of his old job and starts looking in the paper for something better to do.
He sees a Mechanic Training Class that offers job placement w/ good pay after getting a certificate in full car repair.
Near the end of the classes he takes his final exams and upon completion the gynocologist is confused; his final exam score was 150 points out of 100. He finds his teacher.
He tells his teacher there is some mistake or something. The teacher says,
"I gave you 50 points for the written part of the test. I gave you the other fifty for putting together a car motor while testing. And I gave you the other fifty for putting the motor together through the tailpipe."
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That's a great joke and a damm funny one. But I'd heard it that it was Eve asking God about Adam being so stupid so that he would be willing to have anything to do with her.
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God: Hey Adam, I got some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Adam: I'll go with the good news.
God: I made you with both a brain and a penis.
Adam: And the bad news?
God: I only gave you enough blood to operate one at a time.
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Q)How can you tell if Miller Newton's fourteen year old daughter is a virgin?
A)If she can outrun him, she is.
Do you know how to save Miller Newton from drowning? No? GOOD!
Q)How do you save Miller Newton from drowning?
A)Take your boot off his head.
Q)What do you call Miller Newton and Mel Sembler both dying in a fatal car crash on the same day?
A) A good start.
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A)How do you keep the Semblers from hanging out in your back yard?
Q)Hang Miller Newton in the front yard.
Q)Why did Miller Newton cross the road?
A)To abuse some kids on the other side.
Q)Why did Ruthie cross the road?
A)To suck my fucking dick!
A Seminole Indian and the alligator he wrestled for tourists went into a bar in Madiera Beach, FL. He asked the bartender "Do you serve Miller Newton here?". The bartender said "You must be one of those Straightlings, they're always asking about that Miller Newton. Yes, we serve Miller Newton here".
The Indian smiled. "Good. I'll have a beer for me and Miller Newton for my alligator."
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! DON"T FORGET TO TIP YOUR BARTENDERS! I'LL BE PLAYING HERE ALL WEEK!!!!!!
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well aren't dirty jokes special
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That was a good one. But I'd heard it that Eve was speaking to God and HE replied that he only gave her enough blood to operate her brain or her cooch one at a time, but that she would leak more blood at a certain time every month and she would lose alot of her brain power b/c of that.
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Q)Why did Miller Newton cross the road?
A)To abuse some kids on the other side
This would be funny if it weren't so close to the truth.
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the
garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and
pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent
eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had
captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating" her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.
As his heart soared with joy of such a cute and
innocent question, he replied: "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought
for a moment, then, took her foot and stomped them
flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in
our garden!!"
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An attractive woman gets pulled over for speeding and figures that she will rely on her charms to spare her from getting ticketed like she always has in the past. Much to her chagrin, she discovers that the officer is not a vulnerable creature of the male species, but a smokin' hot blonde chick... Not only THAT -- she also realizes that she left her driver's license at home!
"What the hell am I gonna do now?" she asks herself...
Well the cop asks to see her license and registration, and the hapless woman replies, "Sure...hold on.." and hands over her wallet with a compact mirror opened up inside of it. The blonde officer looks at it and says, "Go ahead, I didn't realize you were a cop..."
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On 2005-11-08 10:20:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Q)How can you tell if Miller Newton's fourteen year old daughter is a virgin?
A)If she can outrun him, she is.
Do you know how to save Miller Newton from drowning? No? GOOD!
Q)How do you save Miller Newton from drowning?
A)Take your boot off his head.
Q)What do you call Miller Newton and Mel Sembler both dying in a fatal car crash on the same day?
A) A good start."
Oh Man!! HA!! :smile:
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Dirty Joke #1:
What's the best way to get rid of pedophilic, document hoarding, whiney, lieing, scared pro straightlings?
Kill them all!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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On 2005-11-18 07:43:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Dirty Joke #1:
What's the best way to get rid of pedophilic, document hoarding, whiney, lieing, scared pro straightlings?
Kill them all!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: "
laugh out loud! good one!
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Whats two things you cant give a nigger???
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On 2005-12-17 15:00:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Whats two things you cant give a nigger???"
A black eye and a fat lip :lol: :lol: :lol:
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On 2005-12-17 15:10:00, dragonfly wrote:
"I don't get it.
What is the difference between a bigot and an inteligent human being?
"
There is NO difference, they are BOTH intelligent!!
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what does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
lies awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog....
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On 2005-12-17 16:21:00, Anonymous wrote:
"what does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
lies awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog...."
Lmao! good one! :smile:Don't laugh when you leave this courtroom, thinking you have beat the system because you have looked these things up yourself. We are going to get you down the road.
Washington Superior CourtJudge Rebecca Baker
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what has two thumbs and loves blow jobs?
ME
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what do you get when you mix a laughing hyena and a motorcycle?
a yamahahahahahahaha
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How come Black peoples palms are white??
God spray painted them while there hands were on top of the cop cars :lol:
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hey dragonfly...
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On 2005-12-17 17:49:00, Anonymous wrote:
"How come Black peoples palms are white??
God spray painted them while there hands were on top of the cop cars :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol:
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Why do so many gay men have mustaches? To hide their stretch marks.
A gay friend told me this one, so no homophobia intended.
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On 2006-01-02 13:27:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Why do so many gay men have mustaches? To hide their stretch marks.
A gay friend told me this one, so no homophobia intended."
Excellent!! :lol:
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I know women dont have any brains cuz they dont have a penis to put them in!!
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How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds! :rofl:
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A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
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Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.
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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
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Two men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"
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A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
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Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."
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A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then". :lol:
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Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We?ll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!" :rofl:
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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
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In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin. :lol: :lol:
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Flat Tummy
>
> A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
mom on top of
his
> dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and
quickly dismounts,
> worried about what her son has seen. She dresses
quickly and goes to
find
> him.
>
> The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and
Dad doing?"
>
> The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big
tummy and
sometimes
> I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
>
> "You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>
> "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
>
> "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
over and gets on
her
> knees and blows it right back up."
>
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A New York City Bartender develops an allergy to city smog and his doctor tells him to move west for his health. He gets on a train and rides west until he runs out of money and gets out in a sleepy little town in New Mexico. He walks into the saloon and gets hired on the spot.
Then about ten minutes later a guy comes riding into town as hard as he can ride, almost killing his horse right out from under him. He stands up in his stirrups and yells ?BIG JOE?S COMIN?!? All up and down the street people start screaming ?BIG JOE?S COMIN?!? The owner of the saloon yells ?BIG JOE?S COMIN?!? and the place is empty in a heartbeat. The entire population of the town jump into their cars, jump on their horses, and ride and drive for dear life.
The owner turns to the newly arrived bartender and says ?I gotta get out of here, but you, DON?T LEAVE THE BAR!? And he jumps into his pickup and heads out, leaving the bartender alone in an abandoned town.
A few minutes the bartender hears STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! Coming closer and closer. The ground shakes, the building shakes, and someone kicks the saloon door to splinters and walks in. He?s nine feet tall and five feet wide and he weighs at least three thousand pounds. He walks up to the bar and smashes it with a fist the size of a keg.
?GIMME A GALLON O? GRAIN ALCOHOL!? he demands.
The bartender puts the jug on the wreckage of the bar and the giant upends it. He gulps down a gallon of 200 proof in one go, then crushes the jug, tosses the glass in his mouth, chews it up and swallows it.
?HOW MUCH?? he inquires.
?Oh, it?s on the house,? the bartender assures him. Want another one??
?HELL NO. I GOTTA RUN. BIG JOE?S COMIN?!?
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A French Foreign Legion unit in Africa gets a new commanding office, a young Captain just out of the Academy with no field experience. The Sergeant is an old veteran of forty years in the Legion. The first thing the young firebrand does is announce that the unit is too soft, and that they are going on six weeks of maneuvers in the desert.
?We will do this under wartime conditions,? he tells the Sergeant. ?We will take nothing with us that we can not carry on our backs.?
?Well sir,? The Sergeant says, ?In my experience it?s always best to take at least one camel.?
?A camel? Absolutely not! No unnecessary baggage!? The Captain raps.
The Sergeant replies, ?Ah, sir, it?s not for baggage. It?s for morale purposes. It?s - ah - so the men can get some sex.?
?WHAT? That?s the most disgusting thing I?ve ever heard in my life! How dare you make such a suggestion! GET OUT OF MY TENT THIS INSTANT!?
So the unit goes on maneuvers and camps in the desert for about a month. Then the Captain calls the Sergeant to his tent. ?I?ve noticed something,? he says. ?The men aren?t fighting. Morale is good. At the academy they told me the men would be at each other?s throats by now, and we?d have to add saltpeter t their food to prevent mutiny. Admit it Sergeant, you brought a camel, didn?t you??
The Sergeant sighed. ?Sir, I?ve been in the legion for forty years, and I?ve learned that there are some things that they just don?t teach in classrooms. It was for the good of the outfit.
The Captain says, ?Well, I?m beginning to understand what you mean. It?s been a long time for me too. Where is this camel??
?The oasis about a quarter of a mile down the road, sir.?
So they walk down to a little copse of palm trees with a water hole and enough grass to keep a camel alive. The camel is there, staked out on a long rope so that it can graze.
?It has been a long time,? the Captain says. ?Turn your back, Sergeant.? And he proceeds to have carnal knowledge of the camel. When he gets finished, the Sergeant is staring at him bug-eyed. ?YOU PEEKED!? The Captain cries.
The Sergeant says, ?Sir, in forty years of service from Indochina to Algeria, I have NEVER seen anything like that.?
?What, didn?t I do it like the other men??
?I really couldn?t say sir. All the other men rode it into town.?
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Two old men walked into a bar. In the middle of the floor, a woman was being raped. Surprised, they looked around. Forty or so patrons at the bar were ignoring the rape and were engaged in conversation with each other.
"Excuse me," one of the old men said to the patron next to him, "why isn't anyone doing anything to help this woman?"
"Oh, that's not the way things go here, only the owner of the bar can stop the rapes and get rid of the rapists," said the patron.
"Oh, I see. Can you direct us to the owner?"
The patron waved the bar owner over, a striking woman obviously in command of her domain.
"What can i do for you fellows tonight?" she said.
The second old man spoke up. "Well we walked into your bar, saw this rape, and we heard only you can do anything about it."
"Oh yeah, that," said the bar owner, and waved her hand dismissively. "It's a real free for all around here, buncha crazy patrons."
"So why don't you stop the rape?"
"Like I said, it's a free for all. I am not their mommy or their babysitter. I don't have anything to do with that rape, it is up to the rapist to stop."
The two old men looked at each other and grinned, and then the first old man said to the bar owner, "Ma'am, we had no idea you were running a franchise of our original business. I'm afraid you owe us back payments in royalties."
The bar owner bit her lip nervously. "But you see," she said, "I don't charge anybody who comes here."
"I'm sure you can arrange something," said the second old man.
The bar owner thought for a minute and then her face lit up. "Hey, how much would it be worth to you boys if I advertised for the franchise?"
The old men laughed and shook her hand. They all toasted their business arrangement.
"And to think, Newton," said the first old man, wiping a tear of high emotion from his eye --
"Say no more, Sembler," said the second old man. "Our work will carry on after we are gone."
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What would or could the bar owner do? Call the cops on the rapists? Is that what you want me to do? Call the cops on Brian? Turn him out? Sit back and laugh (or cry) as they Baker Act him yet again?
Sorry, that would be a violation of my personal ethics. Forgive, O Lord, my little joke on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
--Robert Frost, American poet
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So then the solution for the guy upset about the rape (not Newton and Sembler, a bystander watching) is to join in and rape her in an even MORE brutal fashion than what she had already suffered through? That's exactly what was done by the person asking for Ginger to censor the board.
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Along with deciding it would be a good idea to rape a couple of other people that happened to be there.
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Ok, one step further into the allegory. What these folks are really asking me to do is to throw the bums out. I suppose a bartender might do that, just sic the bouncer on `em and he'll toss `em to the curb. Then we can all go back to our merry making in our own little therapeutic coffee shop and pretend it's not happening.
The difference, of course, is that in physical space, the victim would stay safe and warm inside, seperated by brick and mortar from their attackers. In Cyberia, the assholes just set up another website or dozen and go on with their favorite flavor of merry-making.
You're operating from the false premis that I, or anybody, has the effective ability to stop one party saying nasty things to and about another.
The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, poet, philosopher
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On 2006-01-07 09:06:00, ex-prisoner wrote:
"Two old men walked into a bar. In the middle of the floor, a woman was being raped. Surprised, they looked around. Forty or so patrons at the bar were ignoring the rape and were engaged in conversation with each other.
"Excuse me," one of the old men said to the patron next to him, "why isn't anyone doing anything to help this woman?"
"Oh, that's not the way things go here, only the owner of the bar can stop the rapes and get rid of the rapists," said the patron.
"Oh, I see. Can you direct us to the owner?"
The patron waved the bar owner over, a striking woman obviously in command of her domain.
"What can i do for you fellows tonight?" she said.
The second old man spoke up. "Well we walked into your bar, saw this rape, and we heard only you can do anything about it."
"Oh yeah, that," said the bar owner, and waved her hand dismissively. "It's a real free for all around here, buncha crazy patrons."
"So why don't you stop the rape?"
"Like I said, it's a free for all. I am not their mommy or their babysitter. I don't have anything to do with that rape, it is up to the rapist to stop."
The two old men looked at each other and grinned, and then the first old man said to the bar owner, "Ma'am, we had no idea you were running a franchise of our original business. I'm afraid you owe us back payments in royalties."
The bar owner bit her lip nervously. "But you see," she said, "I don't charge anybody who comes here."
"I'm sure you can arrange something," said the second old man.
The bar owner thought for a minute and then her face lit up. "Hey, how much would it be worth to you boys if I advertised for the franchise?"
The old men laughed and shook her hand. They all toasted their business arrangement.
"And to think, Newton," said the first old man, wiping a tear of high emotion from his eye --
"Say no more, Sembler," said the second old man. "Our work will carry on after we are gone.""
Why must you always bring your sour apples to threads that have nothing to do with what your posting?
This was a good joke thread minus the racist jokes and all but I still didn't cry censorship.
Always have to be at the center of attention at other's expense I see. You ruined a good thread on Let it Bleed and succeded in having it deleted and now you fucked up the joke thread. :rofl:
Ahhh the world of freedom of speech! :lol:
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Right ya are, Webcrawler. Sorry, my apologies. I bit hard w/o even looking around to see where I was.
For the community to have 10% to 25% of its men unable to vote or unable to access credit or other privileges of citizenship for the rest of their lives in some states creates a permanently diminished
group within society.
Jeremy Travis, Urban Institute
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You like to bite, eh? . ::eek3:: :grin:
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On 2006-01-07 14:52:00, dragonfly wrote:
"She didn't actually fuck up the joke thread, there isn't really room to fuck in here, kind of how there isn't room to scew in a light bulb.
viagra is for pussies!
"
That's the spirit! Back to the jokes. Sexism and all! :rofl:
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why are you up so early fly?
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On 2006-01-07 09:06:00, ex-prisoner wrote:
"Two old men walked into a bar. In the middle of the floor, a woman was being raped. Surprised, they looked around. Forty or so patrons at the bar were ignoring the rape and were engaged in conversation with each other.
"Excuse me," one of the old men said to the patron next to him, "why isn't anyone doing anything to help this woman?"
"Oh, that's not the way things go here, only the owner of the bar can stop the rapes and get rid of the rapists," said the patron.
"Oh, I see. Can you direct us to the owner?"
The patron waved the bar owner over, a striking woman obviously in command of her domain.
"What can i do for you fellows tonight?" she said.
The second old man spoke up. "Well we walked into your bar, saw this rape, and we heard only you can do anything about it."
"Oh yeah, that," said the bar owner, and waved her hand dismissively. "It's a real free for all around here, buncha crazy patrons."
"So why don't you stop the rape?"
"Like I said, it's a free for all. I am not their mommy or their babysitter. I don't have anything to do with that rape, it is up to the rapist to stop."
The two old men looked at each other and grinned, and then the first old man said to the bar owner, "Ma'am, we had no idea you were running a franchise of our original business. I'm afraid you owe us back payments in royalties."
The bar owner bit her lip nervously. "But you see," she said, "I don't charge anybody who comes here."
"I'm sure you can arrange something," said the second old man.
The bar owner thought for a minute and then her face lit up. "Hey, how much would it be worth to you boys if I advertised for the franchise?"
The old men laughed and shook her hand. They all toasted their business arrangement.
"And to think, Newton," said the first old man, wiping a tear of high emotion from his eye --
"Say no more, Sembler," said the second old man. "Our work will carry on after we are gone.""
:nworthy: :lol: Props, I think this sums up the current situation.
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Big smelly red neck walks into a Citibank branch, stinking of stale rum sweat, spittin chew and generally being obnoxious. He gets up to the window and tells the teller "I want to open an account in this here shithole of a bank. Now get me the papers, bitch, and don't take yer time!"
Teller says "excuse me, sir?"
"What, you a deaf bitch too? Or one a them there fergners? I said I want to open an account in this here bank. Now get the papers and don't stop to powder your nose or chat w/ your little girlfriends along the way."
Teller excuses herself and gets the manager. Manager walks up, says "Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" Redneck says "Well, I just won $30 million on the lotto and I want to put this here check in this piece a shit bank." Manager says "Oh? And this dumb bitch is giving you trouble?"
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
--Anonymous
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LOL - thanks Ginger, I likethat one.
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So why is a pub different from a clitorus? Cuz most men can find a pub! :lol:
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The good lord only gave you guys enough blood to supply one head at a time. I'm not complaining. When reason won't prevail, well we have our ways. lol
Faith is believing something you know ain't true.
--Samuel Clemens "Mark Twain", American author and humorist
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That's why I named my penis.... I don't want my decisions being made by a stranger!
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what's the difference between a woman that spits and a woman that swallows?
About 5 pounds of pressure on the back of her neck
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On 2006-01-09 11:18:00, Antigen wrote:
"Big smelly red neck walks into a Citibank branch, stinking of stale rum sweat, spittin chew and generally being obnoxious. He gets up to the window and tells the teller "I want to open an account in this here shithole of a bank. Now get me the papers, bitch, and don't take yer time!"
Teller says "excuse me, sir?"
"What, you a deaf bitch too? Or one a them there fergners? I said I want to open an account in this here bank. Now get the papers and don't stop to powder your nose or chat w/ your little girlfriends along the way."
Teller excuses herself and gets the manager. Manager walks up, says "Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" Redneck says "Well, I just won $30 million on the lotto and I want to put this here check in this piece a shit bank." Manager says "Oh? And this dumb bitch is giving you trouble?"
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
--Anonymous
"
Splendid post showing us your value system, Antigen. Kind of like, you make money off advertising for the treatment industry now. Who cares how abusive it is if you are getting paid.
Want to know why you are freaking out? Because the stress caused by the nonsense of your nonexistent value system is finally giving you a nervous breakdown. Your complete lack of respect for survivors has let this forum stand as is, and now it advertises for the very things it professes to despise. If you are telling the truth about Luke Riffle's film funding getting dropped because of the slander on him that you refused to delete, you should be very concerned that your Anything Goes philosophy bears far more resemblance to everything rotten in history than it does to "free speech". You have, by your recent as well as standard actions of deleting things and otherwise abusing people, shown yourself to be no proponent of free speech whatsoever. Your mind and your message board are short circuiting.
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On 2006-01-11 13:07:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
On 2006-01-09 11:18:00, Antigen wrote:
"Big smelly red neck walks into a Citibank branch, stinking of stale rum sweat, spittin chew and generally being obnoxious. He gets up to the window and tells the teller "I want to open an account in this here shithole of a bank. Now get me the papers, bitch, and don't take yer time!"
Teller says "excuse me, sir?"
"What, you a deaf bitch too? Or one a them there fergners? I said I want to open an account in this here bank. Now get the papers and don't stop to powder your nose or chat w/ your little girlfriends along the way."
Teller excuses herself and gets the manager. Manager walks up, says "Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" Redneck says "Well, I just won $30 million on the lotto and I want to put this here check in this piece a shit bank." Manager says "Oh? And this dumb bitch is giving you trouble?"
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
--Anonymous
"
Splendid post showing us your value system, Antigen. Kind of like, you make money off advertising for the treatment industry now. Who cares how abusive it is if you are getting paid.
Want to know why you are freaking out? Because the stress caused by the nonsense of your nonexistent value system is finally giving you a nervous breakdown. Your complete lack of respect for survivors has let this forum stand as is, and now it advertises for the very things it professes to despise. If you are telling the truth about Luke Riffle's film funding getting dropped because of the slander on him that you refused to delete, you should be very concerned that your Anything Goes philosophy bears far more resemblance to everything rotten in history than it does to "free speech". You have, by your recent as well as standard actions of deleting things and otherwise abusing people, shown yourself to be no proponent of free speech whatsoever. Your mind and your message board are short circuiting."
This a joke thread asshole. Unless you have something funny to add do us all a favor and fuck off.
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Uh, dude? I'm not freaking out. And you (or someone who thinks like you, talks like you and tends to use the same proxies as you) are the one who posted the shit and then threw fits and tantrums when I passed along the request to have it removed. Thanks for your kind concern, though.
Now then, in the spirit fo countering all the morosity seeping in here....
The priest and the Baptist minister in this small town were very good friends. They met weekly to have some lunch, play some chess and talk shop. One of these weeks, the priest asks his friend if he's noticed a lot of theft lately. "Oh yeah", says he, "Why, it's gotten so bad, just last week somebody stole my bicycle. Your flock as well?"
"Yes" says the father. "So how do you intend to minister to your flock?"
"Well", says the minister. "Whenever I find a problem in my flock and no one's asking for my council about it, I just give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When I get to the one that's giving us trouble, why I just pause heavily and search the faces of my congregation. Sometimes you can tell just who's breaking that commandment, sometimes they just think you can. Either way, it often helps guid my flock back into the ways of the lord/"
"Well thank you, sir, that's a wonderful idea. I think I'll try it w/ my congregation."
So, a week rolls around and the two old friends meet for their customary Wednesday business lunch. The priest tells the minister how wonderfully his ploy had worked and all about how the singel mother who, out of desperation, had been doing all the unauthorized fleecing of his flock had come and made confession and how he was able to redirect her and hook her up w/ some sanctified socialism instead.
"And how'd it go for you, sir?" the priest asked. "Oh fine, fine. When I got to the one about adultery, I remembered where I had left my bicycle."
The most fundamental purpose of government is defense, not empire.
--Joseph Sobran
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On 2006-01-11 13:07:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
On 2006-01-09 11:18:00, Antigen wrote:
"Big smelly red neck walks into a Citibank branch, stinking of stale rum sweat, spittin chew and generally being obnoxious. He gets up to the window and tells the teller "I want to open an account in this here shithole of a bank. Now get me the papers, bitch, and don't take yer time!"
Teller says "excuse me, sir?"
"What, you a deaf bitch too? Or one a them there fergners? I said I want to open an account in this here bank. Now get the papers and don't stop to powder your nose or chat w/ your little girlfriends along the way."
Teller excuses herself and gets the manager. Manager walks up, says "Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" Redneck says "Well, I just won $30 million on the lotto and I want to put this here check in this piece a shit bank." Manager says "Oh? And this dumb bitch is giving you trouble?"
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
--Anonymous
"
Splendid post showing us your value system, Antigen. Kind of like, you make money off advertising for the treatment industry now. Who cares how abusive it is if you are getting paid.
Want to know why you are freaking out? Because the stress caused by the nonsense of your nonexistent value system is finally giving you a nervous breakdown. Your complete lack of respect for survivors has let this forum stand as is, and now it advertises for the very things it professes to despise. If you are telling the truth about Luke Riffle's film funding getting dropped because of the slander on him that you refused to delete, you should be very concerned that your Anything Goes philosophy bears far more resemblance to everything rotten in history than it does to "free speech". You have, by your recent as well as standard actions of deleting things and otherwise abusing people, shown yourself to be no proponent of free speech whatsoever. Your mind and your message board are short circuiting."
Laughter is the best medicine. ::kiss::
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Aw shucks, he kissed me! Now cut that out. Bill's starting to not be kidding about me sampling the goods in this here meat market.
He, who has nothing, and who himself belongs to another, must be defended by him, whose property he is, and needs no arms. But he, who thinks he is his own master, and has what he can call his own, ought to have arms to defend himself, and what he possesses; else he lives precariously, and at discretion.
--James Burgh 1774
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Hush now! I told Bill it's just the kids' pet gerbils making all that noise.
If the natural tendencies of mankind are so bad that it is not safe to permit people to be free, how is it that the tendencies of these organizers are always good? Do not the legislators and their appointed agents also belong to the human race?
--Frederic Bastiat -- 1801-1850
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On 2005-11-07 12:10:00, Anonymous wrote:
"This guy goes on a business trip to New York, his company is putting him up in New Jersey. He gets bored and decides to go to a bar to have a drink. He sees a very attractive woman at the other end of the bar and tells the bartender he wants to buy her a drink. The bartender tells him that she is a prostitute and that he should just go tell her what he wants. He approaches the woman and asks if she is indeed, 'working', she says yes, and suggests they go outside to the parking lot to discuss the transaction. He asks how much she charges for a hand job, she replies "Five hundred dollars". ""$500 for a hand job? I know this is NY, but that seems very expensive".
She says "I give the best hand jobs in the world, and they cost $500. Do you see that Ferrarri parked there? I bought that car with money I made giving hand jobs. If you don't think it's worth it, you don't have to pay."
The guy thinks, well, I can't lose, so he says OK. They get into the Ferarri and she gives him the best hand job he's ever had. He's happy to give her $500.
"Hey, someone who gives hand jobs as good as yours, I bet you give really good head, too."
"Yes, I give the best blowjobs in the world, they cost $2500"
"$2500! That's a lot of money for a blow job!" he replies.
"See that condominium across the street? I own that building and I live in the penthouse suite. I bought that building with money I made giving blow jobs. Come upstairs with me, I'll blow you in my living room, if you don't think it's worth it, you don't have to pay."
The guy figures it's a deal, so they go up to the penthouse, where he receives the best blow job of his life. He gladly pays the hooker $2500. He looks around the penthouse, admiring the furniture, and the decor, particularly a picture window looking out towards the lights of Manhatten.
He says "Someone like you must be a really wild fuck. How much to fuck you?" he asks.
The prostitute points out the picture window. "Do you see that island out there? Manhatten? If I had a pussy I'd own that thing"."
:rofl: :rofl:
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Beer vs. Pussy
1 Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy
5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy
6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy
7 If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy
8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER
9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY
10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY
11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One
point to BEER
12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can.
- One point to BEER
13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles
down. - One point to BEER
14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER
15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER
16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE:
BEER 9
PUSSY 7
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER
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THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.
"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking. "Wow, " she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
have a strong romantic streak and are named Tony.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456, 012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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On 2006-01-27 21:17:00, webcrawler wrote:
"Beer vs. Pussy
1 Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy
5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy
6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy
7 If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy
8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER
9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY
10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY
11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One
point to BEER
12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can.
- One point to BEER
13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles
down. - One point to BEER
14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER
15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER
16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE:
BEER 9
PUSSY 7
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER"
Thanks Webcrawler, I chuckled thru your entire joke....but what I really like is to comingle pussy and beer. I pour a cold beer into my wifes puss and I slurp it up. One point for beer, one point for pussy.
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On 2006-01-27 21:42:00, webcrawler wrote:
"THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.
"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking. "Wow, " she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
have a strong romantic streak and are named Tony.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456, 012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
amen!!!
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Thanks Webcrawler, I chuckled thru your entire joke....but what I really like is to comingle pussy and beer. I pour a cold beer into my wifes puss and I slurp it up. One point for beer, one point for pussy.
"
You sound like a great husband :tup:
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This is just WRONG!!! (((LOL)))
Body: Body: taken from trout's illustrious magazine "baboon of sickness" http://www.baboonofsickness.com (http://www.baboonofsickness.com) go ahead. copy and repost. you know you want to...
so this is your first time visiting detroit. here you will discover that most of what you fear is true! our city is laced with abandoned buildings, crack whores, and insane homeless bums that will slit your fucking throat for the change in your pockets. the surrounding cities will probably be where you spend most of your time so we've provided this guide to "safer" environmenats for you, the visitor.
HIGHLAND PARK_
highland park is located on the outskirts of detroit... so there is no point hanging out there. sure they have miley miley's shrimp shack but is it really worth being shot in the face by a 14 year old? oh, and they have a decent porno shop on woodward right before 7 mile. our advice... keep driving.
FERNDALE_
lots of bars and restaurants and even more homos! if you like balls dancing on your face and hot-waxed man-ass then you're in shangri-la! ferndale also contains one of the largest communities of stinky pseudo-hippy college dropouts so if you are allergic to the smell of patchouli stay away. once again just so you know... this place is fag city.
HAZEL PARK_
considered by many to be the "asshole of oakland county" hazel park contains absolutely nothing to do. as you pass through hazel park you will marvel at the amount of dirty unattended children and washing machines on front porches. beware of the nocturnal army of stray dogs that patrol the city.
MADISON HEIGHTS_
madison heights is home to people who once lived in hazel park but are "moving up". madison heights contains a 24 hour macdonalds and 65 tanning salons. if you get drunk, pass out and wake up at a house that has a boat, truck and 3 tires on the front lawn you are in madison heights.
ROYAL OAK_
a tourist paradise. drunken first year college girls giving out blowjobs like confetti. 21 year old frat boys standing by starbucks throwing up sushi and jagermeister. more silk shirts and white baseball hats than stars in the galaxy and soccer moms giving handjobs in every parking lot. welcome to the new sodom and gomorrah.
BIRMINGHAM_
if you have a bmw, $2000 you dont mind spending on drunk, rich women with fake boobs and don't mind hanging out with 55 year old middle management, former highschool quarterbacks who high-five each other everytime someone says, "RED WINGS!" then this is your home sweet home... and you deserve it.
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How many straightlings does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"It takes 50,000 straightlings to screw in a lightbulb, and another someodd 10,000 staffers.
One to screw it in, the other 499,000 to fuck, suck, lick, and generally sodomize and incestualize each other; pissing, scatting, rusty trumpeting, dirty sanchezing, flute slurpeling, pussy scatting, cocksmoking, cumming, kicking, confronting, marathoning, felating, puking violently, punching, spitting, felching, farting and just generally hurting one another while the one poor fucker tries to get the lightbulb in. I forgot to mention that the paid staff has to get involved in all of this while the one straightling is screwing in the lightbulb."
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I don't how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful to know.
I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Wal-Mart and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and probably tonight
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Man walks into his bedroom, he's got a small sheep under his arm, his wife's on the bed.
He says, "I wanted to show you this pig I been fuckin' while you were gone."
Wife says, "That's not a pig!"
Man says, "I wasn't talking to you."
:rofl: