Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

for your kind words and advice. It makes me feel more sane.

How did I come to post on this board? In a nutshell--because I was apalled at all I had learned about these places and how they packaged themselves differently but were all pretty much the same ball of wax.

I've been divorced since my son was 2--his anger and wildness came about after we moved from NYC to the suburbs. Well, I'm sure he'd rather have a father who showed interest, too, but he never remembers having that to begin with, but he grew up in Manhattan and it was a whole new world for both of us when we came here, and it wasn't a good fit. At any rate, we are moving back to the city as soon as I can get my house ready to sell and then sold.

Anyway, I teach at a community college, and I had a student who wrote a composition on RedCliffe Ascent, and the student wrote about how much he liked nature, etc. etc. so I was thinking it was like Outward Bound with a counseling componant. Outward Bound IS okay--I've been myself though now they have a "troubled teen" one, too, and I doubt I'd trust that. Being an English professor--I'm thinking Thoreau and Emerson. Then I noticed they had actual schools that stressed they were not boot camps. It wasn't until I started reading this board and thestraights.com and newspaper articles related to various atrocities that I recalled the comments I'd made on his paper. I'd said, you tell the reader your parents sent you there because they loved you and it was in your best interest--but you never say what sins you committed that led you there AND you tell the reader nothing of your actual experience. He chose NOT to rewrite that particular paper. I was disappointed because I really did want to know his experience there. Now it's making sense.

I knew about the atrocities in Mexico at Casa, but I naively believed as long as a program or school was in the US--well--you know, it must be ok. So I called a number and the woman recommended Ivy Ridge or Spring Creek, but there was something peculiar about the conversation. Maybe it was when she said kids were on "lock-down." My ex-husband worked for the Dept. of Corrections and I'm thinking, does she mean lock-down as in "locked up" or literal lockdown--something in the prison system reserved only for death row inmates OR after a prison riot or similar. Anyway, I have phobias about fires and means of egress in general, so I knew I wasn't sending my son to THAT school.

Then I got to googling and researching and I realized all these places were all connected, and then I read some of these boards, and I was absolutely horrified. Now I served on a community school board in NYC, so I know schools get investigated for all kinds of reasons, but when you hear the same thing coming from all over the place over and over again, it serves one well to believe it because everybody's not lying.

I post this because hopefully parents who research will come across this as well and it will persuade them to find a different option. Certainly a lobotomy would be much less painful--which seems to be the results these programs want--a lobotomized teen. Parents--do not turn your children over to people who don't allow contact between you. Less can happen to them living on the street.

Turns out, my son's friend, Alex from the old neighborhood was at Tranquility Bay during the revolt. I was shocked because Alex is such a nice kid (I knew him before he got sent off, and I don't know what his parents were thinking--I can't even imagine what he did--maybe he got a B in math). Then my son has another friend, Kelly, and she used to be at the house all the time--very nice girl. She was from a rich family, however, and her brother had died of a heroin overdose, so her parents were very edgy. But since Kelly went to "Boarding School"--no one has heard from her. I went to a reputable boarding school and we had 3 pay phones on every dorm hall. The worst problem was some girl hogging it talking to her boyfriend. So now I'm worried about Kelly. No emails, no IM's, no phone calls--not to my son--not to any of her friends. Moreover, she left abruptly--didn't tell anyone, and word got around she had suddenly gone to "boarding school." Someone tell me she's at Exeter or Andover, please.

I just find this all so shocking and I feel like an imbecile now for even making the phone call to the "placement lady."

i posted this on the wrong place originally, I think.

I'm a single parent with a 15 year old son who does whatever he wants, and I called one of these numbers and then I researched. It doesn't matter what they call themselves--anything listed under wwasps is to be avoided.

I can't handle my son. That's a fact, and his father is who knows where. Last year I sent my son to a military school in NY (alma mater of Donald Trump) and it was great, and next year he's going back. It was 60 miles away and he could come home every weekend (a few exceptions--parades, etc.) starting from the first week. He could use the phone (from Day 1) and the internet between 8-9:30. My whole thing was that I couldn't keep him in school. He's very smart, but they could get him to class most days. Was it perfect? No. But what the kids told me and what the tack officers said were the same negatives. The kids fight. There are some incidents of hazing. There have been 2 severe incidents in the past 100 years (1912 and 2003)but no one died. There's the boys will be boys attitude, and at military school they do fight all the time, and a lot of them smoke cigarettes, and there are ways to get alcohol and drugs on campus though it's nothing like suburban environs. But I knew what was going on, the tacks knew what was going on, and the kids knew--and there was no conflict in stories. That sounds negative, but trust me--it's a lot less than is going on in suburbia.

But here's the thing--which I realized after calling one of these numbers. I have an obligation to get him educated to the best of my ability. I don't have the right to imprison him and have him tortured. The doors at the military academy were left open and kids were free to walk out the door ANY TIME. And sometimes they did. But mostly they didn't because there were kids who left or got kicked out and ended up in boot camps or wwasps and no one ever heard from them again (I found this out after a discussion with my son last night--he just had a friend go to boarding school a few months ago and NONE of her friends have heard from her. No calls, no IM's.) But if you choose military school --make sure it says founded before 1860. No new place. Check the alum, make sure it's not "for profit," check the endowment. Call or email alumni. Avoid anything that has the word "Christian" in it--a guarantee that it's not.

My son also drinks and I know it, but guess what? He's either experimenting or he's an alcoholic. If he's experimenting--then just leave it alone and keep him from riding with someone or driving under the influence (another plus for military school--no cars.) If he's an alcoholic (as his father was) there's nothing I can do about it. You can't make anyone quit drinking unless they want to quit. Period. The same goes for using drugs.

I have many alcoholics in my family and the only way any of them every quit was AA. Forget forced rehab, too. If you can't tolerate the behavior in the house, let him try the homeless shelter. I am not in a state that can force kids into wwasps and boot camps, but juvenile detention is better than these places. And so is a foster home. Tough love is about not putting yourself between kids' decisions and the natural consequences. Some derelect school that's way worse than Attica is not a natural consequence--it's insanity.

Is your child at risk? No doubt. I know mine is and I want to minimize the risk as much as possible and if he ends up in foster care because I can't keep him in school--then so be it. I have to be willing to look like a bad parent. Maybe I am a bad parent but I think I'm more of an overwhelmed parent. But investigating these crazy programs reminded me I am powerless over alcohol and there by the grace of God.

But I believe what these kids are saying on these board. Kids ALWAYS let you know what's going on in a school. The sad case here is that it's AFTER the fact due to circumstances. Sure occasionally there is a rare incident or someone who cries wolf--but this many? No way.

As for "staying home," some people come from families with traditions of boarding and military schools. Second, if you're a single parent (for whatever reason--death, divorce, circumstance) sometimes you can't do it all. But don't get so desperate you spend  a gazillion dollars on one of these schools or programs where you can't talk to your child, his teachers (because evidently these places don't HAVE teachers) and I've discovered all these places are the same no matter HOW they advertise themselves. Make sure you can walk in any time.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a single parent with a 15 year old son who does whatever he wants, and I called one of these numbers and then I researched. It doesn't  matter what they call themselves--anything listed under wwasps is to be avoided.

I can't handle my son. That's a fact, and his father is who knows where. Last year I sent my son to a military school in NY (alma mater of Donald Trump) and it was great, and next year he's going back. It was 60 miles away and he could come home every weekend (a few exceptions--parades, etc.) starting from the first week. He could use the phone and the internet between 8-9:30. My whole thing was that I couldn't keep him in school. He's very smart, but they could get him to class most days. Was it perfect? No. But what the kids told me and what the tack officers said were the same negatives. The kids fight. There are some incidents of hazing. There have been 2 severe incidents in the past 100  years (1912 and 2003)but no one died. There's the boys will be boys attitude, and at military school they do fight all the time, and a lot of them smoke cigarettes, and there are ways to get alcohol and drugs on campus though it's nothing like suburban environs. But I knew what was going on, the tacks knew what was going on, and the kids knew--and there was no conflict in stories. That sounds negative, but trust me--it's a lot less than is going on in suburbia.

But here's the thing--which I realized after calling one of these numbers. I have an obligation to get him educated to the best of my ability. I don't have the right to imprison him and have him tortured. The doors at the military academy were left open and kids were free to walk out the door ANY TIME. And sometimes they did. But mostly they didn't because there were kids who left or got kicked out and ended up in boot camps or wwasps and no one ever heard from them again (I found this out after a discussion with my son last night--he just had a friend go to boarding school and NONE of her friends have heard from her. No calls, no IM's. But if you choose military academy --make sure it says founded before 1860. No new place.

My son also drinks and I know it, but guess what? He's either experimenting or he's an alcoholic. If he's experimenting--then just leave it alone and keep him from riding with someone or driving under the influence (another plus for military school--no cars.) If he's an alcoholic (as his father was) there's nothing I can do about it. You can't make anyone quit drinking unless they want to quit. Period. The same goes for using drugs.

I have many alcoholics in my family and the only way any of them every quit was AA. Forget forced rehab, too. If you can't tolerate the behavior in the house, let him try the homeless shelter. I am not in a state that can force kids into wwasps and boot camps, but juvenile detention is better than these places. And so is a foster home. Tough love is about not putting yourself between kids' decisions and the natural consequences. Some derelect school that's way worse than Attica is insanity.

Is your child at risk? No doubt. I know mine is and I want to minimize the risk as much as possible and if he ends up in foster care because I can't keep him in school--then so be it. I have to be willing to look like a bad parent. Maybe I am a bad parent but I think I'm more of an overwhelmed parent. But investigating these crazy programs reminded me I am powerless over alcohol and there by the grace of God.

But I believe what these kids are saying on these board. Kids ALWAYS let you know what's going on in a school. Sure occasionally there is a rare incident or someone who cries wolf--but this many? No way. God bless.