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Messages - BarnardlyB

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Mission Mountain School / [b]Ethics and Mission Mountain School[/b]
« on: June 07, 2007, 06:20:55 PM »
concerned counselor,
Im gonna try and answer your questions one by one.
"I heard from former staff that John recently cut the diet down to 1,800 calories a day for the students and that is unaccpetable even for a diet camp. Was this an issue when there that you know of? "
 No this was not an issue back in the day for me. 94-97
Deb Finn was our 'health teacher' and Nurse. She did a phenominal (sp) job of this. We were weighed and looked after very closely. We all had individual diet plans, almost all were the same but she made them specific for each person, or she made them feel like they were. I remember there was a period in time that I was STARVING before each meal, I thought nothing of it, but she took our weight during one class and the next morning I had a new food plan...a few of us did actually.I think thats the only time in my life I ever lost weight...HAHAH.  :lol:
"Also this faculty member told me that the students only had class from 9-12am, is this also true? "
Actually after thinking of this many years later, I went ahead and asked colleen about this. I was curious with our schedule how I even passed each grade. But she said that in the state of MT, you are only required to have a number of hours per year for school and she made sure we had them. I do remember cram sessions for school...
"Another thing I heard is that John takes the girls to town to shop at Home Depot and fill up the van with things to be unloaded when they return home, does this have any merit?"
Im sure John doesn't sit at home and say to himself, lets go to home depot and fill up the van with a TON of stuff we don't need just so the girls have something to do. But yes, when things were bought or brought to the school we were responsible to unload it. Staff would help esp if was something that we couldn't handle, the cement blocks the staff now park in front of.
For example, do you go  to the store or run errands just to fill your car up for the simple point of making your kids unload the car for you? NO. but you expect help from them when you come home, esp when its groceries that they too will eat.

where do we find this movie?

Mission Mountain School / found most of them
« on: October 27, 2006, 02:34:11 AM »
I have found alot of the people I was looking for. Yet im still looking for

Virgina Murray
Annie Falor
Ashley Griggs!!!
Please even if anyone ones what going on with them and that they are okay......

Mission Mountain School / John Mercer
« on: September 13, 2006, 02:49:37 AM »
"The cleanliness of the school was sparatic. The kitchen was disgusting. The dishwashers had old food and grime embedded in the sides and they continously fell out of place. The walls of the kitchen were covered in an orange coating of something. We attempted to clean it, when wiped away the wall was a bright white.
The bathrooms in the cabins were okay. The shower stalls had mold and mildew at the tops as did the ceilings. The main rooms wall paper was shedding in a few of the cabins. The main entrances were the only exit, but there wasn't much obstructing the ways out.

Going with the cabins. They were nice. The windows opened easily and the screen popped out in a jiffy. The great thing from keeping girls from running or sneaking around was that the bears did come onto the campus. The staff had regular checks to see all girls in bed. There were eight girls in a two room cabin, four to a room.
The facility all together was not disgusting, other than the kitchen. Its funny though, it was us that did all that work, painting the houses and mowing the grass."

Thats interesting becuause the standard when we were there (old school, Im sure you remember Kat) that was totally unaccpetable. The standard was white glove clean and to an extent it was just everyday,....nothing out of ordinary. I still remember when it took an hour and an half to mop and clean the kitchen floors during the raining season...that was a pain....
I still remember when 'cabin checks' started. It was needed at the time.

Anywho....Kat, I read the book, Help at any cost. It definatly challened me and shook my foundation for a second...and made me question my belief of the system and school.
I still believe and stand true to my story and experience. It was good for me, was what it was. It helped me and Im sorry for its affect on you. But when it comes the time for my kid to act out....staying home and giving love is the way I  think I'll go and sending away, is last resort if an option at all.

Mission Mountain School / oh betsy
« on: September 12, 2006, 12:32:56 AM »
Thanks for was needed and I appreciate it.
I agree we were all mean, and on purpose...we had to be. Even when It got to the point where I was once of the 'heald' students I was still picked on and mean too.
Hope all is well iwht you. Things here have been mixed up a bit...things where going good and than a wrench was put in the spokes and were spinning now....trying to figure it all out.
But, life goes on and we tred through. How is married life and the little one...
Hope all is well. Take care.

Mission Mountain School / Sex and MMS
« on: August 03, 2006, 12:30:11 PM »
Quote from: ""Pls help""
you mention that you were self centred before MMS. i am guessing you were what about 14 when you went? That seems to me an age when most people are.

What puzzles me when I read your posts is that you seem to have an idea that you needed bad things to happen to you to make you a better person. How do you not know that you deserved good things? That the adults in your life could not have taught you these values in a healthy way? That there was no need to make you feel that sex is frightening and bad or that without hard labor you would not develop a work ethic?

Actually I had just turned 13 two months before, so I was young.
I do understand what your saying and I thank you for you concern and compassion, yet I honestly don't think that the adults in my life would have been able to show me anything. I have had to cut off contact with my parents many times simply to have some quite time for myself. Sure there could have been other ways to learn a work ethic yet im not sure where that would have happened or how.
and no sex isn't bad, but I had the tools to know how to deal iwht my rape thanks to my experience at mms.

Mission Mountain School / Sex and MMS
« on: August 03, 2006, 12:13:25 PM »
"Does it strike anyone as odd that John Mercer was sexually abused as a child "
Personally once again, I had no idea about this....really? Sooo, my own personal opinion having been through a sexual trama, wouldn't the last thing anyone who was sexually abused want to talk about is sex and other peoples experience? Im not denying that he was becuase I don't know if he was or wasn't. Its not adding up for me why he would want to talk about it....or have others talk about it.

"Sometimes when people have zero idea of who they are coupled with zero self esteem the only way they can feel anything consistant with the way they feel about themselves is to have someone treat them like shit."

Im gonna pretend that wasn't towards me, once again, don't pretend to know me or have any idea how I feel or think. I've had my life together for quite sometime now and I have know my purpose and have known what I want to do with the rest of my life for the past 6-7 years.....Last time I checked thats since highschool. Not many people can say that.

"I still have nightmares. I still worry. I constantly am talking in circles just to make sure I am saying the right thing at the right time, I have a problem with performance anxiety and social skills. Minus the social skills, I didnt have problems with the other things. I never worried that everyone in a group was going to bombard me with a scathing review of my daily actions and make me over analyze everything to the point of being mad. I never did that before... but I learned to not only aquire that skill but master the art of hiding the anxiety of having to over analyze everything."

I'm curious and would have to guess that you weren't a scapegoat at mms. There are many many girls and some who I keep in contact with, who don't have nightmares, who don't have the symptoms that you talk about. All that says to me is that mms is for some, not everyone. I do find it interested that all the girls during the 94-96 period who were not scapegoats and were the 'leaders' of the group, had the hardest time after mms, ie;relapse, trouble socially, even more family conflict, cut off contact with girls they promised to be friends with forever.
 Yet those of us who were the scapegoats and dubbed to 'fall flat on our face' have done darn well for ourselves and have continued to have contact with girls, have had no relapse, make friends easily, and don't have any of the syptoms you talk about guest.
Im not trying to discredit you feelings and I feel badly for what you have gone through, and are still going through. I just find it curious.

Im not the only girl out there with these feelings, im just bold enough, as I always have been and always will be, to actually say something. Most girls don't want to have much to do with this forum beucase they don't feel anyone will listen and they will just be attacked as I have been many times.

Mission Mountain School / Sex and MMS
« on: August 01, 2006, 10:40:17 PM »
Quote from: ""Pls help""
I have a question for barnalby b. You admit that this school that you were sent to was not all beer and skittles and that when you got out you often felt a sense of guilt. You also admit that you felt scared of sex because of the horror stories the other girls were made to tell you. At the same time you feel compelled to defend it because it made you the person you are today. i assume by that you mean that it shaped your good qualities.

 But how do you know that you would not be the person you are today anyway? I think it is commendable that you want to move on with your life and are doing all you can to do so. it is also good to turn something negative into a positive.  But why do you have the idea that it takes adverse experiences to bring out your best? Why don't you think that this was always in you?

You ask a very good question and its something I do want to think about.
I do know that mms brought me here, grounded me and woke me up to the people around me. I never thought of anyone else except myself. I was more than humbled and learned the value of hard work. There are tools I learned that help me in my day to day. For example if I don't exercise for awhile, 4 days, I am soo awful. Now sure any other person could realize this but I don't know where or when in my life other than mms I would have learned this.
Maybe the reason I think the only way to be my best is to go through heart ache, becase its all i know. I know thats a common thought through out my posts but its true. I know no other way. maybe everyone was a taught a different way, and understood that, then when to mms and knew it was wrong but its the only way I was taught and the only way I know how to be. Slowly and surely my life is settling down and I know that conflict and stress is not all there is to life and I now know, thanks to kat, that this is an issue. I had no idea.
I know i have now rambled and I will think about your question not only to give you the answer but to figure it out for myself. thanks...

Mission Mountain School / Re: Guest (last post)
« on: August 01, 2006, 10:30:46 PM »
Quote from: ""Guest""
Quote from: ""Kerrybear""
Guest please chill out everyone is ENTITLED to an opinion.  It is your respose is immature.  To attack someone just because they believe something that you don't, even though they understand and have empathy for the way you feel, AND on top of that she is strong enough to say it and keep saying it.
No need to go on the attack, we will all still read what you write even if you calm down. :o

K, were you there when Besty was an intern?  I think you might understand the anger if you did   :flame:   but I agree that there are better ways to talk about this and 'opinions'.

 is abuse or mistreatment or maltreatment , whatever, a subjective issue?   :o

HAHAHA, Actually Kerry was there when I was a student,......just imagine that...  

Please explain what I did to you that bad?!, mean or abusive?
I recall alot of sitting around and watching, and giving alittle bit of feedback. Since graduating from MMS I have been complimented many many times on how nice I am, maybe you triggerd an anger reaction, something that I don't remember....
I have had many comments that when i have a straight face I look angry, but more than not, im not angry.
Soooo, not sure where you going there......yet I am very very sorry if i hurt your feelings and was mean to you in any way.

Mission Mountain School / Sex and MMS
« on: July 31, 2006, 10:42:27 PM »
"accoutable, Besty, entertaine, untherapeutic, unthical, invovled, teh, tehrapeutic, therapetic fukin"
Guest, you might want to look over your own work rather than criticize others.  And please, lean how to spell my name. Its really not that hard.

"then you should say that, but dont you DARE EVER say this is ok for others. EVER! what happened at MMS was NOT OK AND IT WILL NEVER BE OK, so to reconcile this maybe we should just say, BESTY you feel its ok to be used as a punching bag because your damaged goods and some of us made it out and somehow had learned to love ourselves again and trust our own minds again to admit that John Mercer, MMS pretended to love us and be our savior but really it was a sick twisted mind game the ENTIRE TIME! "

Did I say it was Okay for other to be treated badly? No. Im simply fighting my side and youre fighting yours. I don't beleive I was abused or had it that bad. I am saying I, as in, me, and with that I also see and understand where you are coming from and how you  can inturpert what happned as abuse.  
Damaged goods? Do I see someone elses issues being projected onto me? Speak for yourself.      

Please don't pretend to know me, or imagine you know how I feel about myself. Are you sure you love yourself? Anger, which you have alot of doesn't show one loving themself.  Loving oneself is for each there own. Its like an opinion. We all have them, didn't ways, different views, and different ways to go about expressing them.

Thanks Kerry for the comment. I appreciate it. You are the first person who actually sees what Ive been talking about and asking people to do for awhile. To try and understand where Im coming from and understand I see what they are saying and to an extent agree but not fully.

Mission Mountain School / Sex and MMS
« on: July 25, 2006, 12:52:01 AM »
"I know you say to move on. I can move on with my own life, but what exactly is your problem with making sure it does not happen to another person?
That is like a rape victim moving on and having people tell her to not share her story. If you want people to move on, why don't you go first!"

I have no problem with you all trying not to let another person go through the hell you all beleive you went through. I even said that.........The reason I don't 'move on' is the same reason you all don't. I feel a fire to defend a place I beleive helped shape me into the person I am today. It worked for me, and maybe not for you so please no comments, it is what it is....none of us can change that.
Treat lightly guest.....I was raped one year to the summer after MMS. I do know what it feels like...please remember, you never know what people are going through so always tread lightly.
I was there way after Addie Harris, so no I don't remember.

And to milk gargling death penal, find another forum...this ones all girls, obviously not for you.

Kat, I do agree with you when it comes to feeling guilty for things one did after MMS. I thought I would turn into a odd looking creature if I had sex, or drank. I remember feeling bad and akward doing these things. Also it weirded me out cause my rape was the first time, so anything after was weird, but also because of all the stories I heard from you girls, thats was terrified me the most......

Mission Mountain School / Really?? I don't remember that........
« on: July 24, 2006, 01:00:56 AM »
Personally I don't remember any regressive therapy. I do remember meditation and having to find out inner animal, or something....
Youpa group really really weirded me out, not into movement and stuff.
As for the meds, well the girls who were on meds before MMS were seen by the school therapist. Than they were given the proper meds, as I remember almost everyone was on meds, there were very few who weren't.

Please, In not saying MMS was perfect or right, yet what would you be doing with your life right now? Even though it may have changed you for the best or worst, all not have a meaning and purpose in life and you very very very clear on. Would you have been.....please, and you will all hate me saying this, move on. keep on one track to better the schools now. Why dig over and over in the past...???

Mission Mountain School / wikipedia
« on: July 12, 2006, 01:43:36 AM »
For PNAIS we ALL had things to write, students, and staff. there was no time to sit around and eat nachos....HAHAH,. was there ever?
anywhoo, moral of the story I remember "secondary staff" taking care of us for along time, esp ellen, cuase the founding staff had work to do. I remember "the good kids" were in the office helping the staff redo everything we had done and writing more for the staff....

Mission Mountain School / try and look at it this way
« on: July 12, 2006, 01:35:52 AM »
Dear Anon,
Im not sure who you are (obvioulsy) there were lots of girls there and I had many years there as well.
I am different and im truly sorry for how i treated you and others. Im sorry you felt ostricized by me, and Im sorry for being so mean to you. I hope to find who you are so i can personally respond to you, I do remember certian times and situations.

Mission Mountain School / 94
« on: July 12, 2006, 01:29:21 AM »
were you really there june 94-dec?? I thought you were there much how the years blend together....

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