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Messages - Cheeky54

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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Whine whine whine
« on: December 01, 2001, 10:52:23 PM »
Differences
 I don't think anyone here ever said that AARC was like KIDS/Staight in everyway.  Let me speak only for myself.  No I did not get restrained, I was not denied food or the ability to go to the bathroom.  The ability to go to the bathroom alone... well that is another story.  I slashed and I know and remember exactly what happened to me afterwards and during that is seared into my mind and no one can ever tell me it did'nt happen or try to down play it.


We can talk all we want about how certain things at AARC were different from KIDS.  Hell lets stop comparing it to KIDS etc. all together.  It doesn't make it any better.  I have said before and I will say again the specific things that harmed me(at least some of them anyway):


-the slashing and how it was handled obviously

-being confronted in rap about being a prostitute (then once I was on staff being told by one of the ones confronting me that they knew I wasn't they were just doing it to F^ck with my head

-having to have someone in the bathroom with my and there when I take a shower

-Sexual confessions (talking in detail myself in front of others, and hearing others share)  Beastiality, insest, rape etc. only to name a few)

-The constant negativity, breaking me down, to build me back up the way certain people think "productive members of society" should be

-Being told that "being Gay is a disease like alcoholism, they're sick"


Etc. Etc.  I know that the things that went on there scarred me, and maybe why there are so many people defending the centre is because it's no one has talked about the wrong things before, and I believe if you are still involved with AARC it still has you in its grasp.  Of course you think it saved your life, it is your life.

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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Sleepless in Canada
« on: December 01, 2001, 01:36:56 PM »
Re: He got them drunk?
That happened?  I don't recall ever hearing the getting fired for getting kids drunk story.  Mind you my brain dosen't seem to remember everything that went on there.  I wonder why, it's best not to think of it all the time.  I'de like to hear more about that story.


Thanks.


3
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Sleepless in Canada
« on: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM »
Advice?
Thanks Elle,  I appreciate hearing that from you.  I know that I was always a bit of a rebel there.


You're right in saying Hell is breaking loose there.  Those flyers sure caused a stir.  Especially the "Brain Washing" and "Mind Control" words.  I hope that someday everyone can open there eyes.


I think that a lot of the people involved would be interested to know how Vause became a Doctor, having other people write his Thesus.  I know that I never suspected him being anything other than a trained Physchologist.  I know that he definitely leads people to believe that.


I was asked by a guy involved in the flyers if I would go on T.V. and talk about my experience.  That is a very scarry prospect.  Would you all do it?  I feel that in order to move on from this, I need to  stop hiding behind my fear of the centre and Vause.

Cheeky54.


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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Sleepless in Canada
« on: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM »
Sleepless in Canada
I was in AARC in 93 and 94, I signed myself in and could have left at anytime, God I wish I would have.  Years later, I still judge everything I do, still think that I am a bad person.

After I was out of treatment for about 6 months, I made the horrible choice to go and work there.  That is the truly ##*&*%ed up thing, getting clients to work on staff.  I was so proud of myself at the time, believing that I was helping people, thinking I had that special gift to reach out to others. HA!  I just drilled into them everything that had been drilled into me.  The sexual confessions were always the worst for me.  Someone shares how their father raped them or about having sex with animals, and five minutes later, its the end of rap, so "just let it go".  


I know I am just going off here, but it's good to finally talk about it with people that understand.  I am totally going to break my own anonyimity here by sharing this story, but what the hell.  When I was in treatment, I tried to kill myself, did a really good job of it to.  I slashed my wrists about forty times on each wrist, I was covered with blood, literally.  I walked out of the bathroom where I did it on my own, realizing that I really did not want to die.  I was taken to the hospital, stiched up and then brought back to group, still covered with blood, so that group could yell at my for an hour or two, telling my how selfish I was, how full of #%#, how pathetic I was.  I had to sit on a "rap" stool in front of everyone and listen to their crap.  Can you say, just a little traumatic.  That night I was of course upset, and I was crying in bed, and my oldcomer used the ever popular phrase "let it go".  Oh, and months later, when I was a shining example of "an addict in recovery", Vause would tell the story of my suicide attempt, but somehow the way things happened changed.  Apparently they broke the door down to get my, "would have died if they hadn't done that", anything for effect.


Pathetic. I dream a lot, I wish that would stop.


5
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Finally talked to my other friend who was sent to wildnernes
« on: December 01, 2001, 11:34:18 PM »
just speaking the truth
You say that you are not afraid of the 2 or 3 of us that are throwing shots via ciberspace.  Why then do you feel the need to justify your beloved centre?  Who are you trying to convince, us or yourself.


No matter how often you say "80%" of graduates have better lives, are happy, clean/sober, you will never convince me, I know you are full of SH^T.


My purpose for posting on this board, as I have said previously, is to help heal myself through sharing with others.  I don't have time in my life to think "how am I going to piss them off today", "what lies can I tell?".  Nope sorry, doesn't happen.


I started coming to this site because I felt it was right for me.  Reading "honestguys" comments was like reading out of a "how to show our love to AARC" manual.  Needed your "brain washed", that is what I call pathetic.  


I have a life! thank you very much. I have people in my life today that I have choose to have a connection with, that bring gifts to my life and I to theirs. Most of the connections I had in AARC, were out of fear of going outside the box.


You will never convince those of us who have been there and who have finally woken up, that AARC is such a fabulous place, so stop trying, your just wasting your breath.  


I've stopped listening to people's lies.


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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Finally talked to my other friend who was sent to wildnernes
« on: December 01, 2001, 05:06:13 PM »
mymind
You may have been there physically, but you don't live in my head.  (at least I don't think so).  What I have gone through during and after my experience at AARC has scarred me emotionally.  Yes I am clean and sober, (through working the 12 steps), and yes I have a life.  Going as far as to say found my place in life, not really.


I have spent the past 5 years since I left completely, striving to find who I really am.  I second guess everything I do, I constantly think "what would AARC/Dr. Vause think", because I believe that he was the end all and be all of my life.  The fact that I felt that way shows that he had way to much power and control over my life.


Trust me when I say, that part of me feels horrible about the things I say, sometimes it feels better to ignore things.  But I've done that to long.  I need to be heard when I say that some of the things that I witnessed (especially in girls rap) have haunted me.  To have to talk so specifically in a group of people about some of the things that were talked about, in my opinion is wrong and shaming.  Some of the things I heard from others I can never get out of my head.


Being told by a clinical "being gay is a disease, like being an alcoholic, they're sick, they need help" definitely didn't help me.




7
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Finally talked to my other friend who was sent to wildnernes
« on: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM »
notrunning
I am still here, it just so happens that I have a life, and other things to tend to.  Job, marriage, etc.


Why is it such a big deal to you what we say.  We are doing this to help heal ourselves and to bring some awareness of what we believe to others.


I regret getting so personal on this site, because I feel like I am being personally attached. But I am just being honest.


You don't know me, or what I went through specifically.  You don't know what I still go through as a result.  If we feel like we need to share with one another that is our choice.  I don't feel that we are wasting anyones time.  I have friends that were in KIDS.  I think if they thought I was full of S*^t they would let me know.  I don't want to here that from you.  You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine.


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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Growing Together of Lake Worth, Florida
« on: December 01, 2001, 08:04:58 PM »
Re: You'll never see it.
I can't believe after all that you have heard from people, that you don't seem to grasp the simple fact that you'll never see it.  The kids will come to your home, you'll talk to parents and graduates who are still obviously brainwashed, they'll never say anything against the program.  You'll never see it, until it's to late.  Even then you might now, I know tonnes of kids who after they got out of treatment tried to explain to their parents the things that went on when the parents weren't around, and by that point the parents are so programmed they don't believe their own kids.


I use to spend time (on staff) at a different centre trying to convince parents that treatment was the only solution, practiclly begging for the sake of the life of their child, to sign them into the program.  I would give everything in the world now if I could sit down with some of those parents and you and try to make you understand how wrong it is.


Tearing someone down to try and build them up into the image you want is wrong. They'll never be the same, they'll never be the person they were meant to be.  Even though I have been out of hell for 5 years, I still have not found myself.  I don't know if I ever will.  They'll always be a bit of them in me and that is really hard to accept.


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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / A very quiet board....
« on: December 01, 2001, 04:57:34 PM »
Re: Dead Friends
Jeff, it's amazing how similar people past experiences in treatment are.  I was in a Straight based facility in Canada about 10 years after you, but it was the same bulls#*%#.


I too worry about staff looking over my shoulder, I worry about running into someone on the street, feeling that somehow they could make me go back or do something to me even though I am 27 years old.  It's crazy.


I too had a friend that I knew was dying of AIDS and I wasn't aloud to call and see how he was.  Only months later did I convince someone to let me call and see how it was.  I had to listen on speaker phone, how my friend died months earlier.  They needed to listen on the speaker phone because they did'nt believe me.  Not aloud to grieve "let it go", the words I will never forget, that are burned into my head.


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