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Messages - Loli

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Is the book positive negative or neutral, because if it implies that CEDU is at all beneficial, I have no intention of reading it. That place was therapeutic fraud.  I want a book I can send my parents.

Facility Question and Answers / Re: question on escort companies
« on: August 13, 2012, 02:48:46 AM »
How did this go? Or is he still waiting?

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Re: Smushing?
« on: August 13, 2012, 01:28:02 AM »
That is the crux of CEDU. Coercing physical, emotional, and mental connection without desire, trust, boundaries...

It's all CEDU confetti now.

Also, they know I HATE that place with a passion. Why send that crap all the way from fucking Mexico? Just burn it.

The folks moved again and this time sent all the letters I wrote from CEDU 25 years ago. Jesus. They were censored so it was all BS. Brainwashed BS. And long ass pages of "The Gift." WTF?  Urging my parents they, too, should undergo "The Gift." I could only read a few lines of three of the folder of letters and couldn't stomach it. Ripped them all up and threw them away. I never want my kids reading that crap.  CRAZY SHIT in there.  I knew I would never have the stomach for reading it no matter how much times passed, but once I saw the place for what it is it is no wonder I extrapolated all forms of group think into horse shit. Haven't been here awhile but this is the only place I could emotionally puke with understanding even if everyone is gone.

Although I concede that labeling me Lollipop is intended to be condescending, I sort of like Ms. Pop. Actually, I've been on board since 2004. I started at Shanlea, then Loli, and then Samara.  I couldn't change my name in my profile so I just stopped using the formers and forgot my old passwords from disuse. I never kept up with all threads, but followed CEDU and enjoyed the Seed and Straight threads. I thought the Seed thread during early times was insightful and helpful. Straight was more raw but I got some out of it. Then toward 2006, the board began to go straight to pot for several reasons. I never heard about anyone being victimized by G or Stack.  But I would not call anyone the types of names you use.  I'd say the same if anyone referenced you that way. KKK is a repulsive term to label people.

I don't think G lives in fear over being sued. She doesn't have anything to lose. I guess I just don't understand why you'd waste time on this POS board. It's dunzo.  But a lot of people at one time were helped or validated. It's too bad that community spirit and solidarity died - a loooooooooooong ass time ago. There are several reasons for it - but no point in kicking that horse.

Vision Quest / Re: cocaine
« on: May 15, 2012, 07:35:14 AM »
This is a dumb farce.

I probably shouldn't engage and hope for a genuine response. But here goes: I am trying to understand the type of person who is hell bent on using the darkest vulgarity to flood and kill this board, targeting an individual or two using the crassest of language and implications.  The board is already long dead. Why waste your time? Don't you feel it a little pathetic or futile to kick a long dead horse?

One of the things that freak me out is if I get hit by a bus, my two young sons would have access to it. They have only known me as mother and teacher - someone who doesn't smoke, rarely drinks, and doesn't get engaged in any craziness but good clean fun and adventure. They see me as strong and independent. They don't know how miserable and troubled I was, how depressed.... the traumas and abuses and untethered life I led, the neglect and the lack of self value. Or how unprotected I was... I don't know if I'd want them to read all that. Their grandmother is an awesome grandma and I wouldn't want them to read about how un-parented I was.  Hell, reading it again, and remembering all those feelings of helplessness was really unpleasant and sad. I also threw away so many relationships post-CEDU or sort of detached because I didn't know where they fit in my life schema.   CEDU said bare all, even to the undeserving, have no boundaries... it also sort of colored my perception that every relationship in the outside world is shallow and impure... it left me seeking the ultimate transcendental connection which is just bullshit. Relationships are forged on the exigencies and trivialities of everyday life.  Not some propheet experential from Lifespring.

I don't know if I can read those journals again. What is the purpose?

It's all hand written in pencil. Pages and pages and pages.... especially long were the journals when I was on table time. You sit on a bench in isolation all day every day for a few weeks.  They wouldn't let me off until I agreed to attend raps. I wouldn't. these were nothing more than primal group therapy to humilate, exploit and demean people.  The one goal of these writing assignments was to get me to admit I was worthless and dead without CEDU.  The pressure was intense to admit CEDU was my savior; I was being threatened with lock up (Provo) even though I never made the transgressions tow arrant an extreme choice.... What was also difficult is reading my issues with my Mom.  How inappropriate she was.  Basically setting me up for first drug experiences and letting me live with kids in 20s for weeks on end in 7th grade so she didn't have to deal with the mundane life of a mother. How unprotected I was and how obectified I was... she didn't teach me to value myself... It is so strange to compare that with how I mother my own kids. I had forgotten some incidences and now I am sort of sorry I read them. I have to remember that she doesn't re-write history and basically validates my view of things. The only thing we can't really talk about is CEDU for soem reason.  The sad thing was after table isolation and bans, I tried so hard to hang onto myself... but it wasn't enough.  None of mey swritings were of a defiant little shit brat; they were all just questioning the methods there... and how much fear I lived with in constant degradation. I sure which this package wasn't sent in the mail.

Maybe I will burn them in a big ass bonfire.

My Mom just sent me boxes of all my stuff from a storage locker. Just came across the CEDU journals... holy pukerama. The journals I was forced to do for Table Time/Full time disgusts me most. All the topics - the questions posited that I HAD to answer - used leading, manipulative prompts that presumed unworthiness. I can see in my journals I was trying to assert myself against what I called "CEDU therapeutics."  I was trying to hold on to my own independent thoughts.  It is really upsetting to revisit them. I've only read a snippet here a snippet there... Torch? Keep?


Tacitus' Realm / Re: What is the economy anyway ??
« on: November 17, 2011, 04:24:34 PM »
Ignorant or apathetic? Or optimistic? Or comfortable with uncertainty... or just livin' in the moment?

Tacitus' Realm / Re: What is the economy anyway ??
« on: November 05, 2011, 11:42:35 AM »
None ya that is a pretty strong indictment against women. I don't know who your female friends are, but mine are hard working, educated, and often the bread winners.  Some do it all - take care of kids and provide for our families. In fact, I don't have a single friend who married for money, or don't pull more than their fair share. I am proud of the women I know. They bring it.

Thought Reform / Re: Moonies and The Program?
« on: August 04, 2011, 01:41:46 PM »
I onced rented a suite at a Moonie center in Boulder.  It was interesting. Kool Aid happy strangeness.  the housing mother and father were from Norway.  They gentrly tried to recruit me. It was creeptastic.

Let It Bleed / Re: Stuff you've been listening to
« on: July 23, 2011, 04:23:47 PM »
Rehab... Amy Winehouse.


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