Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: starry-eyed pirate on August 29, 2005, 11:17:00 PM
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i was so fucked up when i came out of str8 that i didn't know how to relate to the outside world. i couldn't smile at strangers, couldn't understand jokes, couldn't follow simple directions and couldn't hold a job. For over 2 years of my life my world had been str8. When i was finally released i had no clue who i was, what to do or how to act. i had no reference points. i had no personality, no sense of self. My personality had been destroyed. i was left with some pseudo-personality which was foreign to me. Str8 made me so sick.
During my time in str8 i learned to suppress my "real self". There were certain parts of my "real self" that i hid away, out of sight of staff and the group. In str8 i was forced to adopt a pseudo-personality as a survival tactic. There were times when i misbehaved and as long as i misbehaved i was expressing my "real self" but eventually and by degrees i surrendered my autonomy, my integrity. So over time and within that controlled environment i adopted the beliefs of the cult. i was brainwashed(and in some ways may still be). But there was always a little part of me that remained free. i had secrets that i guarded. Past incidents that i never mentioned, flirtations with female 5th phasers that i never told anyone about. i filled out my permissions for school in such an ambiguous way that i was able to get away from school for hours at a time and no one knew where i was. At school i broke lots of rules; talked to cop-outs and withdrawls. In other words i was full of shit my whole program. i never even thought about it like that 'till jus' now !!
it was like i was livin' a double life. i repressed all my natural spontaneity. i developed such an anxiety about bein' caught that i learned to analyze my emotions before they could be expressed on my face(i think the psychologists call that "low effect"). i worried constantly that some symptom of my dishonesty would slip out. My life was just a lie. Insane.
i suppressed my "real self" so deeply that when i finally did get out of str8 i was completely lost in the world. i was even lost to myself. Everything, it seemed was just a lie. i was incapable of trustin' anyone.
i did a ton of drugs: L.S.D[which was full of strichnine(sp?)], crack, P.C.P, whatever was around i did in an attempt to recover from the brainwash, my logic bein' that if i was brainwashed not to do drugs then drugs would somehow cure me of the "wash". Really i jus' compounded my confusion at the time.
i couldn't figure out how to relate to anyone who hadn't been in str8. i had nothin' to base any desicions on. i was so lost, so confused that out of some desperate necessity i adopted yet another personality. Slowly and by degrees i adopted this kind of a "belligerent red-neck drunken" personality. A kind of prosthetic soul to replace the one i had lost in str8. It was like this character that i could slip into. It was my desperately sick and diseased attempt to try and find a way to somehow relate to the world again; to try to respond to a joke, to understand the context of some conversation, to be able to smile at a stranger, to have some reference point in life by which to make a desicion. Over the course of about 10 months this character came to dominate my personality, which in my vulnerable mental state was easy for it to do.
The scariest moment of my life was the moment of realization that came to me about 18 months out of str8 as i stood alone on the balcony of my apartment and acknowledged to myself that i was not alone, but had developed more than one personality. As i stood there alone i realized that my "real self" was tryin' to resolve some argument with this "red-neck" personality which i had developed as a form of protection. i distinctly remember the feelin' of standin' there alone but with 2 different people, each inside of me !! i was terrified.
From that night on i distanced myself from that "red-neck" personality. i began the long search to truly recover my health; to find myself. i hitch hiked all around the country and lived as a transient for years in an attempt to heal my own wounds. In time i came to understand all this as the dynamics of my own ego and my sufferin' is far less now than it was.
Str8 really, really fucked me up. Does anyone know what i mean ?? Has anyone else ever experienced this disease ?? Can anyone relate to havin' so much anxiety ?? So much confusion and pain ??
Fuck str8. Fuck all authority. [ This Message was edited by: starry-eyed pirate on 2005-08-29 22:09 ][ This Message was edited by: starry-eyed pirate on 2005-08-29 22:18 ]
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It looks like SIBS is your only hope now. We can help you to counteract this behavior and reclaim you sense of "self" once again. Your DRUG-FREE self, that is.
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I completely understand. Although I didn't feel like there were two people, I felt like there was just one really crazy constantly changing person whom I didn't know. I didn't even remember who I had been before the place. The violence and rage took a hold so strongly that it was as though I were walking around a mine field, only I was the mine! I felt like I couldn't control my actions, but I didn't really want to either. It was as if rather than a personality spilt I'd had a complete split in my conscience. While I was keenly aware of the wrongs that were done to me, I didn't care what I did to myself or others. I kind of went what I live to call the GG Allen route. If I could make my daily life as hellish as possible then what they did there might simply become normal. Up untill the mid 70's PTSD was usually missdiagnozed as schitzophrenia, it still is in my opinion. One of my best friends from there has been diagnozed as a schitzophrenic but I don't think that they were right. In the DSM hand book for PTSD it is clear however that PTSD can develope into the fracturing of personalities. There is a big difference however. PTSD is diagnozed by symptoms, you only have PTSD as long as you have enough of the symptoms to meet the guidelines. Schitzophrenia however is always there symptoms or not. I believed for a very long time that I was 'just insane' Many people feel this way after traumas. There's a feeling of not being able to control your own mind, with PTSD at least there is some hope that the control can be found again. As you clearly discovered. I switched myself of in straight and then I lost the switch!!! My anxiety, paranoia and rage made me unable to be either the person whom I had once been or to even become a person whom I liked.It has taken a very long time for me to find the things that I enjoy. When you know yourself so little you don't even know what you like to do or what you want your personality to be like. Good luck with that but, know that lots of people feel or felt the same way.
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Well...i don't know, Dr. Fucktard. Are there any foxy bad-ass misbehaver chicks i could clique with ??
i have been sorta feelin' like if i had it to do over again i would really know how to misbehave. i mean i was good at it before but this time i wouldn't let nobody turn me around. i see where i made my mistakes. i see now how i jived when i should'a' been shuckin'. i would tear your buildin' down Dr. Fucktard, and then i'd walk outta there with the 2 foxiest, fine-assed misbehaver chicks in your program, one on each arm. You'd be sorry you ever responded to my post. :grin:
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Pirate, I hate to break it to you but you're a little out of your depth here. SIBS is a far cry from the straights of yesteryear. SIBS is new and improved to put it mildly. We are the wave of the future in drug treatment© and we will get your ass straight as sure as you were born!
To answer your question, yes, there are PLENTY of hot chicks here, but they wouldn't be cliqueing with YOU or anyone else. We have ZERO tolerance for this behavior and it just doesn't happen anymore what with the threat of the gorilla cage and the cattle prod. The only 'cliqueing' you would perhaps have going on with any of these females would be the clicking of the handcuffs on your wrists before they whipped your ass until it turns BLACK and BLUE in the BD/SM chamber. Like they used to say...no pain, no gain!
Love ya! :wave:
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There is a God within me, Dr. Fucktard. He is: i have nothing, i fear nothing. All your threats and intimidations fall as beautiful flowers in a circle around me. Look and you will see.
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We shall see, my boy -- we shall see... :lol:
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:smokin: :skull: :grin:
P.S. you're a riot Dr. Fucktard. Let me know if you ever want to catch a get high. i will call up some fine-assed misbehaver chicks i know and we'll all lay around and smoke up. Peace.
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And now back to our regularly scheduled de-programming.
i am still wonderin' if there are any other survivors out there who can relate to the whole post-str8, post traumatic, bad acid, angel dust induced, pseudo/split personality, nervous breakdown, lost in the world trip.
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I definitely know what you're talking about with feeling unable to respond normally to people and filtering your emotions so you don't show anything inappropriate.
I was at straight for a relatively short time, and when I got out, my self-destructive behavior was that I ended up in a cult. For a good six months after I left Straight I couldn't think clearly. I felt like I was living somebody else's life, and I didn't trust my own instincts enough to make judgment calls.
When something would happen that required a response, I couldn't just respond like a normal human being. I'd suppress any emotion and try to figure out how I was "supposed" to feel or think. My old friends were kind of freaked out by my odd behavior, and my new cult "friends" were also trained to suppress their instincts, so I was pretty isolated.
No bad drug trip could ever be worse than that numb, isolated feeling I'd get when other people would laugh at jokes, enjoy "druggie" music, or just shoot the bull, but I couldn't. It destroyed my self-confidence.
Here's how bad it got. Right after I left the second cult, when I took a lie-detector test for a job, I failed even though I was telling the truth. The interviewer started asking questions like "have you ever stolen from an employer." I hadn't, but my memory was working over-time because the question was put in such absolute terms. "Have I EVER stolen from an employer? Maybe I goofed off on the clock one day...that could be considered stealing...or maybe I took some plywood scraps home...or maybe I stole and I've forgotten I stole..." The interviewer told me he "knew" that I was lying because I was controlling my breathing. My heart rate would go up but my breathing would stay even; I didn't even know that I was doing it. I'd learned to hide my external reactions, but inside, I was agonizing. And even when this guy was accusing me of lying, I was more tied up with how I *should* respond than to defend myself like a normal human.
Man, those were dark days.
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Maybe some of us are still lost! So, how would we know or be able to tell you?
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i'm not sure. i am still lost in ways myself. Pay attention to your deepest instincts. If somethin' don't feel right it pro'ly aint. perhaps jus' bein' able to read on this thread what others have described of their own experiences might provide some insight. My heart goes out to all those who are still lost. ...Searchlight casting...
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http://http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?topic=10765&forum=7&start=0#115181
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I can hear the sounds of laughter
Could it be they're laughing at me
I can hear the roar of thunder
I'm mad, I'm deranged
I see
Clowns in costumes, voices that carry
Their message to my mind
I'm like a child so young and carefree
My eyes see what they want to see
Lights are flashing, colors are blurring
There are patterns in my mind
Things are hidden to the world around me
But still they say I'm blind
They wrap me up in a web of lies
Meet the man who's locked inside
I'm too many people in too many places
I've a split personality
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As I age, I sometimes wonder who I would have been if I had not been subjected to straight . . .
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As I age, I sometimes wonder who I would have been if I had not been subjected to straight . . .
Mike,
You were not a troubled 17 year old when you came in.No Intervention of any kind was needed.You attended school,made decent grades,ran Cross Country,and smoked pot and drank beer on the weekends.I was there,remember.Your mother was conned and you picked up the check.It sucks!She was convinced that you were in danger and drastic action was necessary.In your case(not in all cases),IT WAS NOT!Was Straight the answer?The program I left and you entered,NEVER,not for any reason.How was she to know?The con was on and you picked up the check.I mess myself up all the time reflecting on these matters.If my mother never went to the psychologist who conned her that divorcing my father was a good idea while he got a piece of the lawyer's fee and then paired her up with a sick,twisted longterm sucker/patient of his convincing her that pooling her assets with him was a good idea making her a prisoner,and by proxy,me a bigger prisoner,I ask the same question.That was the root of my evil.
The answer is we're here,you're child's grown,mine are growing.Be glad that your daughter had you,not your mother to raise her.I sure am glad that it's me and not her with mine.My problems were different than yours,an intervention was probably called for in my case.To prove Straight's incompetence to Mommy,it has taken 3 years and John Buick's twisted face on the DC pages to prove my case.She still thinks,adamently,it saved my life.How does one explain that you don't cure a headache by cutting off the head?
The war continues.
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:cheers: thanks Sam!