Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: ` on February 15, 2005, 02:24:00 AM
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-02 05:31 ]
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i wrote a bunch of stuff, but i am not posting it in order.
this one is from today:
god i hate the way that i write. i'm such a loser! i swear to god. it's my mother, and i think her mother before her -- they were both quite careful about grammar. it is really annoying, and the whole thing about "proper" grammar is heirarchical subterfuge.
so, when that troll came along and pointed out that i was a loudmouth busybody, i was really just embarassed. it is so true! i went back and looked at a lot of posts, and i was annoying quite often. like with riffle thing, commenting on the chair! it's like i have no social skills. i don't know where stuff like that comes from, or why i don't have the judgement not to say things like that. i really don't. that is why i like trolls, not always, but i felt that the person who was trolling me and i had an understanding on a cosmic level, even if they really thought they hated me on this level.
something else weird is that my nose hurts when i write or when i am around people. it must be one of those energy things, where i am restricting some energy flow for some reason.
a few years ago i was really cracked up, but that was a good time for me. i lived in a beautiful place, went out in the woods almost every single day, and felt really free to be a kook. things were dark in a different way though, like i would get stoned and feel like i was talking just like someone in my family, kind of like i was them. i also couldn't remember things right: my mom told me not to call her, but i thought that i was the one who cut her off. i didn't talk to her for like a year and a half. i had about seven jobs in one summer because i kept walking out, not showing up or getting fired. Ha! so i was really poor, but there were a lot of fun people there, and like i said, it was beautiful. however, i got into fights with people, and i was rude in other ways. at the time these reactions seemed necessary, however. that was also a time when i felt Straight acutely, and raged about it when i was alone. i didn't want to work at a job i would have to drive to, the pollution and all that. i would not mow the lawn, either, which my landlord was not happy with. he he. that was fun. but you see, really brilliantly crazy. it's fun.
i was a knuckler in Straight. sit up. i don't know why. when did that start? was it after my setback? maybe that choice i made, i imagined that escape so much that i can see it now like it's real! the truck handle. i was going to pull the truck handle and just run! or jump off the back deck and run through the woods. but i didn't do it, and the rest of my life i am the person who did not run or fight back. i didn't do anything.
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-01 20:38 ]
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god i hate the way that i write. i'm such a loser! i swear to god.
Well, this post wasn't bad..
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On 2005-02-17 13:58:00, Anonymous wrote:
"i wrote a bunch of stuff, but i am not posting it in order.
so, when that troll came along and pointed out that i was a loudmouth busybody, i was really just embarassed. it is so true! i went back and looked at a lot of posts, and i was annoying quite often. like with riffle thing, commenting on the chair! it's like i have no social skills. that is why i like trolls, not always, but i felt that the person who was trolling me and i had an understanding on a cosmic level"
Piet, (or the poster formerly known as Piet)--I'm touched! I am not a troll by trade and I hated to be a bozo, but I too, felt like *that* YOU just wasn't you. My apologies if I ever got on your nerves in a bad way, those weren't necessarily my intentions. I just wanted to point out a few observations. I do want to say that my heart dropped when I read a post on the TBPITW thread about you dying. I am glad it was just the old Piet that bit the dust and not you as a person. I believe that we are all psychomindfucked from our experience and have known many that are unfortunately here today and gone tomorrow. I am glad you are still here today.
Your personal troll.
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On 2005-02-17 14:57:00, Anonymous wrote:
but I too, felt like *that* YOU just wasn't you.
Wow, so are you fucking psychic, or what?
I'm sure she's comforted knowing you were "helping her find her "real self".
Love ya, Staff!
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On 2005-02-17 14:00:00, formerly known as wrote:
"that was me, darn that's embarassing. add doofus to the list of bad character traits."
Good to see you making a Moral Inventory of your defects of character. Keep it up, and soon you'll be Straight! Love ya!
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-01 20:47 ]
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-01 21:02 ]
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the drug war is specifically a classist, racist, anti-counterculture crackdown. it is clear to me now that i classify as a prisoner of war.
Most definately. It's been used to justify the setup of international police forces, seize property and jail suspects without trial, brainwash offenders in "rehabilitation centers", censor certain states of mind that have been deemed immoral or illegal, and otherwise assert the control of a ruling bureacratic elite over the very population they are meant to be serving. These things were accomplished fairly well during the War On Some Drugs, but I believe that was merely a trial run. The real show is just getting started with the passage of recent legislation. If they don't feel like yelling "Drugs!" they can yell "Terrorist!" and get the same results, or better, without quite as much suspicion of their motives. Gotta keep us safe, ya know?
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One of the things that bother me about "the war on drugs" is how our govt. will shoot down any plane flying over Central or South America that it believes is carrying drugs. So many people have lost their lives because of this and a great deal of them were not even transporting drugs. Why does no one speak about how this is MURDER!
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Not everybody has the courage of ppl like Al Giordano and his affiliates. LE types are hard headed, stubborn and prone to violent responses. They don't like to be questioned. Some of those who do try to bring it back to them turn up dead. See http://narconews.com/ (http://narconews.com/)
While I apreciate what these folks are doing, I wouldn't do it. I simply lack the drive and courage, or maybe I just have different priorities. I'm a whole lot more interested in more peaceful, reasoned efforts like Law Enforcement Against Prohibition: http://leap.cc/ (http://leap.cc/)
LEAP came about, not by raging and shaking fists and hurling blame and accusations against LE, but by persistant, measured and well reasoned communication w/ those among them who seemed at least a little bit receptive. I'm trying hard to learn those tricks.
If we can just get them to think about what they're doing and how well it's working out for them, they'll do the rest. They really are well intended and some of them are also quit intelligent. To say the drug war is a failure is like saying the Hindenburg was short a few fire extinguishers.
Carl Hiassen
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beltlooped=leashed. the position of the hand reinforced that they had your legs.
how about you eat the slop they hand to you.
how about being physically forced to look the right way or motivate. reins and spurs.
the message: You want an end to this, animal? Then you will become the kind of creature we are training you to be.
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The dehumanization process begins immediately, upon intake. Immediately, you lose your freedom of movement. Your ability to determine when you will eat or take a shit goes next, with a humiliating strip search thrown in. Your "druggie" haircut and clothes are taken from you, so that any control over your appearance is lost.
Then you are ready for the thought control to begin. You will have no access to the outside, you will only hear what they tell you. Your attention will be coerced. You will be endlessly bombarded and blamed, and punished for resistance. How many of us, in our minds, have likened that place to a zoo? The animalization process, once complete, created a distinctly herdlike mentality within the group. Compliance. Docility. Rage upon command toward those in the herd that did not conform. The Group. Commodities in the end, units to be shifted in and out, products to be sold.
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i am not trying to offend anyone. does anyone else see people as animals. sorry if i have offended.
<
Not offended, but kind of disturbed ('cause it seems to hold water...). Keep writing!
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-01 21:03 ]
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-01 21:04 ]
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[ This Message was edited by: formerly known as on 2005-02-25 03:56 ]
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-01 21:04 ]
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I was looking forward to reading this morning what you had written last night - disappointed to find out this morning that it was edited out.. :sad:
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i think about something like standing up at open meeting to "talk about the time i used lsd", this was sometime in the first week i think
and i don't want to do anything anymore. fuck. i really can't take what happened.
i talked with an old friend last night. he remembers i was coming unglued even before straight. from abuse or mental illness, he said it is not something that can be separated really.
but to have been someone before and then be like a zombie, it is too much to know that about myself.
but he said "do you think you are being too hard on yourself?"
i was supposed to be able to see everything, all the bs in our society, but i caved so fast. i really think i was tired of holding up all the rebellion, this was justified rebellion. or maybe it was crazy, but they yelled and hit me while the neighborhood was watching and left me sitting with a broken foot, my little sister had to get the ice for me, things like that, so i guess i could not respect them anymore.
i cut my arms and legs before i was locked up, that is how bad things were.
i was tired. i was sleepwalking my first night in, i felt something like sick disbelief that i was locked up.
my friend reminded me that everything they were doing was designed to get to me, like the lie of going to family counseling, and then i'm in an intake room and i can't leave because the girls i was talking to would not let me.
i know i write a lot of crazy stuff here. i cry all the time these days. i cry reading other people's posts, or hearing they were too weak to even walk.
i edited out the happiness and other bullshit.[ This Message was edited by: formerly known as on 2005-03-02 03:25 ]
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[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-02 05:30 ]
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I thought it was "Juiced up beyond belief..." :wave:
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please troll me again. i need to fight
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On 2005-03-14 09:32:00, Anonymous wrote:
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please troll me again. i need to fight
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Oops, fucked up and hit the post button on the last post prematurely.
I won't troll ya anymore Piet. I am not looking for trouble, just a little fun which I already had with ya back in the good 'ol days of a few months ago.
Party on. Try to forget. The program was just a fucked up chapter of a past life. There is too much future to continue to be jaded with yesteryear. That's my lecture of the day. Good luck to you, you Beck loving freak you...(I couldn't resist just one more small slap at ya).