Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: Anonymous on December 08, 2005, 12:06:00 PM
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I was in Straight in the 80's and staff as well. I googled myself and came up with this column ,with I thought was interesting. Been some time since I have pondered ole' 5515 Backlick Rd and the sound your host families' tires used to make went they hit the gravel and woke you up to the realization that in less than 2 minutes you will be stuffed with 43 other rank, farting straightlings in a small room holding only your shitty lunch of one fruit and whatever your host family's dog didn't eat the night before . I have found the way I view some things is different from others because of my experiences at straight(i.e. what do you mean you got laid at the prom? what's a prom?) but overall I say I am okay with what happened and how things have turned out. I still have many friends from Straight that I see and interact with all the time, although none that I know are still "straight" and i cant remember the last time it even came up in conversation, including some of the mentionables in this column. While I am not casting any bad karma at all to anybody who did not complete the program, I certainly think that the psychological effects of not doing so have been very damaging to some of these people. Having been a staff member, I do not feel i owe anybody an apology, but would love to hear more from people about life experiences that they feel are outside of the norm due to the common time we shared together at "the warehouse". We should all get together for beers and ping pong regularly.
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I can see you have a narrow perspective due to your own experience, but perhaps you should take some time to really read some others postings about what they saw/experienced. You might change your tune about people who "completed" the program. There are many here who were graduates/staff and struggle with what they saw/did.
I am personally not at odds with the idea that I did not complete a program that was corrupt and dishonset to begin with. I tend to view it as that much less of a mind fuck as opposed to those who bought in hook line and sinker. You will find alot of people who feel the same here.
I hope you do take the opportunity to research the information here and understand more of what this is all about. You arent required to discount your own viewpoint on it, its only that given the severity of the programs we were in....its next to impossible to deny that what was done to so many of us wasnt just plain sick and wrong.
Good luck!
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I respect your feelings and point of view. When i was talking about non-completion of the program i was talking about it in a realistic sense, it is what it is. I do not think i am better or worse than anybody who was there, than or now. I agree that there were a ton of wrong things. I just think that i was lucky to have not been mentally affected to the degree some others have felt, and was wondering about some of the differences others have experienced with their lives and what types of these things they attribute to straight experiences. I was basically asking to learn from anyone that cared to share anything about themselves in an effort to better understand my own life and its connections to straight. That is neither pro nor con straight so please do not categorize me in any way. when were you there?
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dragonfly? first name?
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Dragonfly, i just read your dates and i am sure i would know you. hope the pennsylvania rivers were not too cold.
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Then you know what they did to me, was completely un-justified! I'm not looking for any apology either. Just knowing you knew there were "somethings really wrong" and doing nothing to stop it, makes me sad for all of us. But hey! You had your own program to worry about.
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i said i knew it was wrong now withdraw, understandably i was subject to the same thing you were than so i had not yet made that moral connection. now i seem to worry more about the future than the past, but seeing this site certainly made me curious about others' experiences. i am really trying to start a forum of discussion here and am not interested in blame of any kind. who out there reading this is still local? near washington dc? willing to say so?
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Maybe this will shed some light on your question about how Straight effected some of us..........
I completed the program in 15 1/2 months, but I can tell you that that place really screwed me up.
First of all I could not cope with the real world at all after I 7 stepped. I felt like a huge freak of nature, so I quickly spun out of control, headlong a 7 year long party, that included drug use for the first time in my life and other self destructive behavior.
I have always had the tendancy to be overly honest....to a very unhealthy degree since Straight. I also persecute myself/feel excessive guilt for the tiniest things I do wrong. In addition I always react extremely strongly when I am misunderstood even if in a small way. I cannot fight with people at all because at the first sign of confrontation, I freak out. I am paranoid about being imprisoned against my will for something I did not do. I have also had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety problems for the past 20 years (recently diagnosed) I am now in counseling to get therapy/recover from what I was subjected to in Straight. I also experience severe dissociative amnesia about my time in Straight. All of this is a direct result of my time in Straight.
I'm sure there are more ways that Straight harmed me, but this is what I can come up with off the top of my head. In a nutshell, I have serious Straight related unresoved issues and emotions.
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What exactly went on in those intake rooms when a misbehaver or returned cop-out got taken in there to get yelled at? get "spit therapy"? more? Did you ever lie to children about being court-ordered? What was the training for restraining people? What were you, as staff, told to do, what was your job when people were getting restrained? What did you think of some of the more let's say strange things that went on, like putting someone in diapers or in a playpen or making them climb up and down a ladder? Have you ever been deprogrammed or gone to counseling or whatever, just gone through thinking about things, to deal with Straight? Have you looked into the brainwashing/thought reform thing? Did you have clues back then? Did you go to things like fundraisers & raffles? Please tell us more, you have a unique perspective. Did you feel intimidated by higher ranking staff? What rank were you? Did you interact with executive staff and if so what was that like? Were you intimidated to treat children in a way that you did not really agree with? Did you quit? If so, why? Call me curious, thanks in advance for any answers you would like to give.
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I very much appreciated your reply, nonconformist law. I recognize many of these same behaviors in myself. I have many authority problems, and have at times related them to straight. I actually have used these to a business advantage at times, which has worked for me but i know has been unhealthy. By the way, i am not that computer friendly, which is probably why just hearing about some of the straight related stuff. any other web sites i should check out? will anybody say their name if they were in springfield from 11/84-11/87? i will if some others do first, being naive of this site and having already been pegged as pro straight, which i remain opinionless on at this time, i would like to see a few others "come out of the closet".
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There is a ton of information here:
http://thestraights.com/index.htm (http://thestraights.com/index.htm)
For the record, I havent pegged you as pro-straight yet....I havent formed an opinion about you yet since I havent read enough from you. But I will say that as long as someone is willing to acknowledge how bad straight was, I'm pretty willing to accept it if it didnt effect someone as badly as it did me. After all we are individuals that can react to the same thing differently. What I cannot deal with is a pro-straight person who spouts off "Straight saved my life" and "your just an angry druggie liar" shit like that.
By the way...I dont post where I was and when on the forum.
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I agree with you Anon, dwelling in the past is futile. I dont do much of it when it comes to Straight, however if you want peoples experiences and point of view....you're going to get them, that includes people who have not been so fortunate to heal as quickly.
I dont think its fair to equate failure with not completing the program, "it is what it is" doesnt really cut it....there is a difference in finishing a 50 yard dash, and finishing a mind-controling, cultish rehab program.
That being said, I was in Dallas Straight from Mar-90 Nov-90. I ran away once I was on 3rd phase and in school. I spent 31 days on the street waiting for the supposed statute of limitations on re-enrollment to expire so that when I went home my mom couldnt put me back in. I wasnt a drug addict when I went in, and have not become one since, however many drugs I have taken or drinks I have had.
As far as experiences other than abuse that was physical, emotional and verbal....I dont really have any opinions on what Straight did for me, other than teach me to survive in the darkest of circumstances.
My life now is very fulfullied, I have family and comforts. However, I do think that my childhood and family situation along with the incidence of Straight in my life may have delayed that achievement considerably. Otherwise I am proud of how far I have come, no thanks to any of it....and thanks to all of it, in some ways.
If nothing else on this forum I have found someone who I can say "May I talk out?" or ""Have a seat!" to and have them really understand exactly what it is I am saying and all the implications. It can be freeing.
You speak of what you experienced as if you were apart from it, and you may have chosen to separate yourself as such; however you are in a unique position as a former staff member to contribute to others understanding of why these horrible things were done to them. Those of us who didnt "finish" for one reason or another could use some answers once in a while to facilitate our own reasoning for what went on. Discussion is always welcome here, however you should be aware that you are going to get some chafing if you choose to discount others who have a little hostility. Saying that Straight was the freest place ever found could understandably agitate someone who was held down in the dark, abused and beaten and torutured for days on end. You can get that right?
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Wow, that was a lot of questions for someone anonymous. I received sub-standard training in everthing you mentioned. part of the problem with how cop outs, mis behavers, and others was that there was no standard flow chart with how to deal with these issues. they were personally being driven by people unqualified....US. If you hated someone or it got personal than interaction was biased. I never did anything personally to anyone that i have feelings about but crunching people up was never my style. There wer some program counselors i had zero respect for, among them a Tim Kelleher. i think he was there around 87. and taking into account what someone else said, the reason i probably remember his name is that there was an incident i saw that i was uncomfortable with and di not speak up at the time. many others were there. it was not even as bad as some of the other things you have mentioned but thinking about it now makes me feel sad too.
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carmel- i was just saying straight is it blah blah to make fun of the songs that we used to have to sing. it was the modified version of "coke is it" but straight is it. i thought it would be an eye getter but was only a reminder of the goofy songs.
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On 2005-12-08 11:19:00, Anonymous wrote:
"carmel- i was just saying straight is it blah blah to make fun of the songs that we used to have to sing. it was the modified version of "coke is it" but straight is it. i thought it would be an eye getter but was only a reminder of the goofy songs."
No prb!
Id be interested in hearing some of the answers to Anons questions too by the way!
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On 2005-12-08 11:14:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Wow, that was a lot of questions for someone anonymous. I received sub-standard training in everthing you mentioned. part of the problem with how cop outs, mis behavers, and others was that there was no standard flow chart with how to deal with these issues. they were personally being driven by people unqualified....US. If you hated someone or it got personal than interaction was biased. I never did anything personally to anyone that i have feelings about but crunching people up was never my style. There wer some program counselors i had zero respect for, among them a Tim Kelleher. i think he was there around 87. and taking into account what someone else said, the reason i probably remember his name is that there was an incident i saw that i was uncomfortable with and di not speak up at the time. many others were there. it was not even as bad as some of the other things you have mentioned but thinking about it now makes me feel sad too. "
I can understand about the training, that was standard issue it seems in all of the branches. I dont know that anyone that I saw needed written protocol in order to know it was wrong to break a kids arm or nose or rib. And there was plenty of that going on for sure.
In reality we were all contributing to what happened there whether we were staff or clients. Just by the fact that I complied with having to hold people down because I would be considered dishonest otherwise makes me a culprit in some ways.
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i am hapy to share what i know, but maybe a better way to ask is to start one topic of discussion at a time, and get a discussion going. I am glad to hear (carmel) that your life is going well and that you have family. I cannot believe this generated this much interest. It is very interseting to me, but it would be really fun to connect with any alumnae from springfield. When i googled myself, the stuff about me came up on this site a long time ago, and wondering who was still around.
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i also in the last 5 min spoke with another old staff memeber from the 80's. maybe he will choose to "pipe up" on this site any minute now with an opinion or two. i am going to run an errand now but will be back. love to hear from springfield people.
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Does anybody know of any other straight sites that actually have a live chat situation? I found the remarks posted on here today very interesting and i was in springfield.
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Does anybody know if Brent Lewis is still associated with this site? He was in springfield.
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On 2005-12-08 11:42:00, Anonymous wrote:
"i am hapy to share what i know, but maybe a better way to ask is to start one topic of discussion at a time, and get a discussion going."
Yeah that's a better way alright. :roll:
Still on staff?
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are you kidding? i am married to the person that paid most attention to my staff. i am in the northern va area, have two cool dogs, and just appreciated the dog-genome sequence in the post this morning.
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On 2005-12-08 17:51:00, Anonymous wrote:
"are you kidding? i am married to the person that paid most attention to my staff. i am in the northern va area, have two cool dogs, and just appreciated the dog-genome sequence in the post this morning. "
thy rod and thy staff, they comfort her?
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On 2005-12-08 09:06:00, Anonymous wrote:
"I was in Straight in the 80's and staff as well.
You were a child abuser, paid to mindfuck children, and you were as a matter of course responsible for physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. Proud of that? Or was it "no big deal"?
I have found the way I view some things is different from others because of my experiences at straight(i.e. what do you mean you got laid at the prom? what's a prom?) but overall I say I am okay with what happened and how things have turned out.
You are "OK" with sytematic child abuse, mental torture, and brainwashing? You are "OK" with lots of former inmates (including those that you abused during your time on staff) having PTSD, committing suicide, or having numerous psychological disorders due to the abuses they suffered? You are "OK" with kids being deprived of food, sleep, use of sanitary facilities, education, and basic privacy? You are "OK" with the numerous suicides amongst former inmates?
While I am not casting any bad karma at all to anybody who did not complete the program, I certainly think that the psychological effects of not doing so have been very damaging to some of these people.
And whose fault would that be? The goddamn druggies that didn't "complete the program", or perhaps the program itself? Do you think that maybe the program could have caused damaging psychological effects, whether the person completed it or not?
Having been a staff member, I do not feel i owe anybody an apology, but would love to hear more from people about life experiences that they feel are outside of the norm due to the common time we shared together at "the warehouse". We should all get together for beers and ping pong regularly."
Having been subjected to physical abuse and psychological torture techniques by Straight staff members just like you, I feel you do owe an apology---at least. You seem to have the idea that Straight was some kind of summer camp with stricter-than-usual rules. It wasn't. It was a teen torture facility with no "treatment" whatsoever, only abuse and brainwashing. For you to be "OK" with what went on there and what has become of many of the former inmates indicates both the depth of the brainwashing and indoctrination you were subjected to, and your callous disregard for the well-being of others, particularly your victims. If you were a staff member, YOU ABUSED CHILDREN. Yeah, let's get together and swill some brewskis and talk about the "good ol' days". Wake the fuck up.
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alright. :nworthy:
let's play ping pong!
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ok, i am awake. i never abused anybody except myself for being there in the first place. i rspect your angry feelings but not my "segmented quotes". i think everybody on this site is talking about their lives and how to make do with what happened. me too! things that have sucked in life do not always need to keep sucking. the way to stop "sucking" for me has included tons of different remedies; excersize, friends, family, and interests. hobbies for me are probably the most important.
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and i love ping pong, that is one of the hobbies. whoever said "allright, lets play ping pong"...love your style and your coping methods!
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to the person who said all that shit.....no i am not okay with any of that..but the sad truth is ..the death certificate list is not full because i personally know of many people that have died that are not on the death lists..do you?????? i feel awful, some of them were my best friends.....were any of them yours? you sound alive and angry enough.
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On 2005-12-08 19:47:00, Anonymous wrote:
"ok, i am awake. i never abused anybody except myself for being there in the first place.
No, you are NOT awake if you believe that you never abused anybody. By being on staff, it was your job to abuse kids and oversee the abuse of kids. Did you ever give a phaser "consequences"? Did you ever deny anyone use of the bathroom? Did you ever instruct anyone to restrain anyone else? The list goes on and on, and if you were a staff member, you abused kids as a matter of course during your day-to-day job activities. That's what staff at Straight, Inc. did. The fact that you don't see Straight as abusive (as opposed to 'merely unpleasant') tells me that you need to WAKE THE FUCK UP.
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i am pretty awake where i am now. what time is it where you are? i am angry at straight stuff in my life now, you are angry at straight stuff in your life, and you are angry at me??? would you like some fries with that?
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On 2005-12-08 19:53:00, Anonymous wrote:
"to the person who said all that shit.....no i am not okay with any of that..but the sad truth is ..the death certificate list is not full because i personally know of many people that have died that are not on the death lists..do you?????? i feel awful, some of them were my best friends.....were any of them yours? you sound alive and angry enough."
Yeah, I know of suicides and people who are still alive that have many problems now due to Straight. Are you still "OK" with "what happened and how things turned out'? You said yourself that you know people who that died, and yet you say you are cool with what went on at Straight and what has happened since? Just asking.....
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quote when i said i was cool with it......
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This is the post I am referring to:
On 2005-12-08 09:06:00, Anonymous wrote:
but overall I say I am okay with what happened and how things have turned out.
I am also impressed with this little gem:
Having been a staff member, I do not feel i owe anybody an apology, but would love to hear more from people about life experiences that they feel are outside of the norm due to the common time we shared together at "the warehouse". We should all get together for beers and ping pong regularly."
If you read my response, for the most part I am just asking you questions, do you really "feel OK" about Straight, and if so, why.
As to my allegations that being on staff at Straight is synonymous with being a child abuser, I stand by that statement. I think if you are "searching and fearless" enough, you will see that it is true. I'm not saying you are a child abuser currently, but I am asking you what is up with your attitude toward Straight these days.
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i am sorry detail person, i thought this was you understood(not) but the quote (for you) was "but overall i am okay with what happened and how things have turned out", and you are right...but what was meant was FOR ME.you seem to be the only misunderstander. i was attracted to this site because of its content and honesty. if i felt blameable at all, would i want to understand more or less?
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Probably not. However, I was curious and wanted clarification of your views regarding Straight. When someone says 'I'm OK with what happened at Straight' or such, it seems very pro-program, and ignores the abuses that were part of the everyday operation of Straight.
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you keep seeming to fuck up the quotes. people say what they mean and know...especially on these sites. i respect your anger but cannot condone your crappy quotting skills. be honest with what people have said and escalate conversational where-with-all or take your marbles and run home.
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On 2005-12-08 09:06:00, Anonymous wrote:
"I was in Straight in the 80's and staff as well. I googled myself and came up with this column ,with I thought was interesting. Been some time since I have pondered ole' 5515 Backlick Rd and the sound your host families' tires used to make went they hit the gravel and woke you up to the realization that in less than 2 minutes you will be stuffed with 43 other rank, farting straightlings in a small room holding only your shitty lunch of one fruit and whatever your host family's dog didn't eat the night before . I have found the way I view some things is different from others because of my experiences at straight(i.e. what do you mean you got laid at the prom? what's a prom?) but overall I say I am okay with what happened and how things have turned out. I still have many friends from Straight that I see and interact with all the time, although none that I know are still "straight" and i cant remember the last time it even came up in conversation, including some of the mentionables in this column. While I am not casting any bad karma at all to anybody who did not complete the program, I certainly think that the psychological effects of not doing so have been very damaging to some of these people. Having been a staff member, I do not feel i owe anybody an apology, but would love to hear more from people about life experiences that they feel are outside of the norm due to the common time we shared together at "the warehouse". We should all get together for beers and ping pong regularly."
yeah right.
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again..yeah right..what???????????????????be clearer. let me guess, you are not a ping pong player.!?
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On 2005-12-08 11:14:00, Anonymous wrote:
"There wer some program counselors i had zero respect for, among them a Tim Kelleher. i think he was there around 87. and taking into account what someone else said, the reason i probably remember his name is that there was an incident i saw that i was uncomfortable with and di not speak up at the time. many others were there. it was not even as bad as some of the other things you have mentioned but thinking about it now makes me feel sad too. "
What incident?
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who are you, you pagan of right? I just saw this site and was interested today and started conversations with this site. do you know who tim kelleher was? describe him.
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On 2005-12-08 21:08:00, Anonymous wrote:
"again..yeah right..what???????????????????be clearer. let me guess, you are not a ping pong player.!?"
oh no, i love ping pong, we play it a lot.
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so speak up mighty silent ping pong player here longer than I..who are you?????? cant play or cant say?
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On 2005-12-08 21:01:00, Anonymous wrote:
"you keep seeming to fuck up the quotes. people say what they mean and know...especially on these sites. i respect your anger but cannot condone your crappy quotting skills. be honest with what people have said and escalate conversational where-with-all or take your marbles and run home."
My crappy quoting skills? How about the you not facing the fact that as a staff member at Straight, you were a child abuser? I say this because I mean it, and because I KNOW that Staff = professional child abuser. The quotes I put up when you asked where you said you were OK with it are what you wrote. If you "say what you mean and know" (there I go again....) then why did you say that you were OK with what happened at Straight and since? I'm not inclined to read the minds of most posters here, so I went with what you wrote. How stupid of me. Yeah, you clarified what you 'meant', but you have yet to answer any of my questions regarding your past position as a paid, professional child-abuser for Straight, Inc. By saying that you don't feel you owe any apologies, you are sweeping under the rug your complicity in child abuse. You admitted you were a child abuser when you admitted you were on Staff, as they are one and the same thing, yet you don't feel you owe anyone an apology, at least? Then you pull some shit out of your ass about my "crappy quoting skills" as a means of changing the subject......you are more indoctrinated and brainwashed than you think......
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if you feel so strongly, come out in public and say the things you are saying. what is your name? are you afraid of your voice?
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On 2005-12-08 21:11:00, Anonymous wrote:
"who are you, you pagan of right?
I'm assuming you mean "paragon", but that could be my crappy quoting skills acting up again. I'm a survivor of Straight, Inc., St. Petersburg, FL, 1982-83.
I just saw this site and was interested today and started conversations with this site. do you know who tim kelleher was? describe him. "
I have no idea who Tim Kelleher was/is/will be, so it would be pointless to describe him/her/it.
My turn. Do you think that kids were abused at Straight? Do you think that Staff members were responsible for any abuse? Describe the abuse.
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by the way, for someone so critical of these people you manage to to capitalize both words every time you bring them up, staff or straight. who is brainwashed here?
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i think maybe you were on staff.
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On 2005-12-08 21:18:00, Anonymous wrote:
"if you feel so strongly, come out in public and say the things you are saying. what is your name? are you afraid of your voice? "
I'm Peter Fucking Pan. It doesn't matter who I am, what I'm saying is what matters.
You can find more of my wisdom posted under the username rtp2003, then ask around who I am. Lotsa people here know me.
Who are you? And why do you say you never abused any kids at Straight when it would be impossible not to as a Staff member? Again, wake the fuck up.
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On 2005-12-08 21:18:00, Anonymous wrote:
"if you feel so strongly, come out in public and say the things you are saying. what is your name? are you afraid of your voice? "
...he said, while pacing madly up and down between the guys' side and the girls side', then back and forth between the fourth phasers at the front wall and the main body of The Group.
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you capitalized the group....why?
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On 2005-12-08 21:24:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
On 2005-12-08 21:18:00, Anonymous wrote:
"if you feel so strongly, come out in public and say the things you are saying. what is your name? are you afraid of your voice? "
...he said, while pacing madly up and down between the guys' side and the girls side', then back and forth between the fourth phasers at the front wall and the main body of The Group."
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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because you were a part of it
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i think we went out of sequence there. you capitalized the group for no other reason than that you were there with me and are a part of this. deny?
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and being honest(first and most important rule) i know more dead fourth phasers on that wall..................i think.......is that a contest for your anonymous self? I will have some fries with that..at least, maybe eggs too!
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and that is an attestment to how bad the whole thing was, if you are honest enough to admit it. this was no party, but all of our lives are worth more than petty stuff(i.e. this shit).
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since you have not replied...anonymouse, i am going to bed. hopefully you will not resent my wishing you the best in dream life.
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Well, how bout these/this staff PM me and devulge their name. I will be honest about what I remember about you and expect the same. I am actually shaking , having to quazi-face you again, as it is obvious I have faced you in the past. I can tell you there were a small hand full of staff that treated me the best they could. Mr.K - I can describe him...ultimately, He oversaw my being abused daily. Do you have any idea what it was like to sit htere for 6.5 months staring at the floor waiting for the next slam to the floor? I did nothing! I did nothing to deserve any of it, I didn't even use drugs before straight. I was a run-away at times (local)..That was it. Do you know what it has done to me? I am pouring tears atm thinking of it all. You staff people let them keep me on consquences for 6.5 months, I was restrained almost everyday, I bled on the floor, I gasped for air, I thought I would die everyday. You forced me to wear a filthy while sweater and spit on me and made other ppl hold me while it was happening. You people stood me up every single day because I refused to comply with the insanity. You stood me up and cussed at me, called me a liar, said I was a whore, told me my family didn't love me, refused to let me have my own thoughts, hid me away in intake rooms during open meetings, refused to let me see my family, refused me a doctor. You staff people told me I would rot on first phase forever, you (staff) called me Marshmellow. Do you really have any clue what you took part in? Do you realize how you participated in destroying my soul? Do you realize how you participated in tearing my family apart? Do you really know? Consquences for 6.5 months... do you know what that did to me? Still today? I wasn't even allowed to speak. I was given talk 1 time (supervised by Ilene G.), somehow... I put in a withdraw every day they would let me, You participated in refusing me an attorney or social services. Do you know I will never have children because I was refused medical care? Do you really know?
I remember it. All too well. I hurt. I have hurt since that day they lied to me and left me there. Do you remember the phrase "yea, keychains and butter knives" When I'd tell of fights I had scene. Do you remember the withdraws everyday? Did you know I was in horrible physical pain? Do you remember when my parents finally came to get me when Paula told me I was terminated or being withdrawn? It was Halloween night after I had been blasted in review after open meeting, freshly spit on by Lisa D. and Kelly S.? I was dressed as a clown sorta for halloween, Do you remember that? Do you remember me sitting there with puddles of tears under my chair while Allison W. and Margret would force me to motivate and face forward? You let that all happen to me, All of it. Do you remember me laying there being held down on the floor bleeding? I didn't know any rock songs to even yell out.... Do you remember how alone I was? Do you remember where I left that little girl who was me? I know she is still sitting in that chair staring at the floor, alone. Do you remember when rock was young? Where is Karem today? Does he still sing? Where is Jason H. who use to try and comfort me in the back of group or Jim G. who just tried to be fair to me, Where is Kelly S. She always looked so strung out. Did Sue really get kicked from staff for coke? Where is Jojo, she was ok to me. Where is Alicia? WHO ARE YOU, and did you abuse me? Did you stand back and let them destroy my soul? I have soooo much to say to staff who held me captive and destroyed any integrity I had. Am I angry? Hell yes I am. I have every right to be. Do I think it was your fault personally? Who knows, only you know what you did to us on staff.
Were you a girl? were you an oldcomer of mine? or did you ever attempt to comfort me? How about that, Do you believe I was there now? Do you believe I was abused? Do you believe I was damaged by that place?
Please don't come here and speak of my experience like it was summer camp. Don't act like I am less than for not complying. To that alone, How dare you or anyone, As you can plainly see I was severely effected by the abuse I endured partly under your direction. What do you expect me to say ? Thanks? Well I'm sorry, you will never get that from me. I will never forget, someday I may forgive. Today is not that day. I will not be a raving lunitic to you or at you, so don't worry. I just need to understand how you or anyone could have stood by and allowed this to happen to me. I need you to see what happened to me, I need you to see this is still happening to children all over the country.
I do have a fairly ok life now, but it has been one hell of a ride since my 14th birtday present...
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i am sorry for what happened to you. I was very good friends with jim g, and knew everyone you said. i was a male and was nice to you...i promise. i was never aware of tsome of the things you say happened to you, and if they did, they are awful. you will be happy to know, i guess, that lisa d killed herself. jason harris is in jail for life.
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On 2005-12-08 21:35:00, Anonymous wrote:
"and being honest(first and most important rule) i know more dead fourth phasers on that wall..................i think.......is that a contest for your anonymous self? I will have some fries with that..at least, maybe eggs too!"
Who do you know who died?
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two people that were not on the list that i saw were jim? who was run over on the highway, and a jim k who dies after robbing a liquor store and fell on the bottles....have not hought about that in a long time
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On 2005-12-08 11:03:00, Anonymous wrote:
"What exactly went on in those intake rooms when a misbehaver or returned cop-out got taken in there to get yelled at? get "spit therapy"? more? Did you ever lie to children about being court-ordered? What was the training for restraining people? What were you, as staff, told to do, what was your job when people were getting restrained? What did you think of some of the more let's say strange things that went on, like putting someone in diapers or in a playpen or making them climb up and down a ladder? Have you ever been deprogrammed or gone to counseling or whatever, just gone through thinking about things, to deal with Straight? Have you looked into the brainwashing/thought reform thing? Did you have clues back then? Did you go to things like fundraisers & raffles? Please tell us more, you have a unique perspective. Did you feel intimidated by higher ranking staff? What rank were you? Did you interact with executive staff and if so what was that like? Were you intimidated to treat children in a way that you did not really agree with? Did you quit? If so, why? Call me curious, thanks in advance for any answers you would like to give."
We await your answers, former staff person.
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On 2005-12-09 06:44:00, Anonymous wrote:
On 2005-12-08 11:03:00, Anonymous wrote:
"What exactly went on in those intake rooms when a misbehaver or returned cop-out got taken in there to get yelled at? get "spit therapy"? more? Did you ever lie to children about being court-ordered? What was the training for restraining people? What were you, as staff, told to do, what was your job when people were getting restrained? What did you think of some of the more let's say strange things that went on, like putting someone in diapers or in a playpen or making them climb up and down a ladder? Have you ever been deprogrammed or gone to counseling or whatever, just gone through thinking about things, to deal with Straight? Have you looked into the brainwashing/thought reform thing? Did you have clues back then? Did you go to things like fundraisers & raffles? Please tell us more, you have a unique perspective. Did you feel intimidated by higher ranking staff? What rank were you? Did you interact with executive staff and if so what was that like? Were you intimidated to treat children in a way that you did not really agree with? Did you quit? If so, why? Call me curious, thanks in advance for any answers you would like to give."
We await your answers, former staff person."
Yes, please give your perspective on these questions. I am also very interested in hearing responses to these questions.
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To former staff member-
I know you came here to spark discussion because you found the forum "interesting", and I would personally like for you to stick around; however I think you need to decide whether you are ready to accept that there are going to be questions, there will be tension and some hostility....if for no other reason than most people here just dont ever, ever want to feel as if they have some cruel abuser looking down upon them and belittling them. NOT that you are doing that at this time, but you must understand that most here are going to assume the worst from the get-go. Especially when you advertise yourself as former staff.
The things that happened to us were very real, and in many cases very debilitating. This is a SURVIVORS forum, not a Meet up with old Alumni and BS about the good old days, forum. Not that we dont do that too, but people here need to be comfortable with who you are and what you intend before they do so, thats just the nature of this particular forum.....I know that you feel as if you have been benign in your posts, and to the rest of the world it would seem so, but you must see that when it comes to abused people, if they dont know who you are its very easy to assume that you very well could have been their tormentor. There are alot of people here who went through some horrific things, as you have read thus far....and if you would like to reconnect with the past, well I am here to tell you that this is what that reconnection is all about....because in reality the bad severly outweighed the good when it came to the program.
I DO think it could be great for Withdraw if you could be more forthcoming with who you are and what you know, certainly privately if you wish.
I was curious if you were ever a client yourself, it doesnt sound like it. Were you?
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On 2005-12-09 06:44:00, Anonymous wrote:
"two people that were not on the list that i saw were jim? who was run over on the highway..."
Jim Brown.
Fuck Tim Kelleher. That guy was the biggest cocksucker around.
Withdraw, I stand with you.
RTP too.
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Thanks Carmel for your words. I have a personal history with this former staff(if he is who i think he is) I have mixed emotions toward him. I want him to stick around for the purposes of our discussion but i also harbor hostillity. Thanx for bein' the go between that i can't be.
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carmel, i really appreciated what you said. any attempts at making fun of what we went through ( of course i went through the program and my own horrifics) is the way that i deal with any emotions. i was not a tormentor of anybody and the timk incident happened in the guys infirmary and involved a a 26 yr old withdrawl, and i reported it to "higher staff". i have been through various different types of counseling over the years to deal with what i went through, but not recently, ande when i saw all of the raw emotions on this site, and all of the questions i was zapped immediatly back to the time period and all i can say is wow. i would never consider people's emotions or histories a joke and i apologize if you took it that way. sarcastically personal about everyhting( prob bc of 5515). i will stay away from this site if you think i should. tim k was not the only cocksucker. there were many. i do not believe i was one, but maybe i am still brainwashed and need to read more on the subject. all of you can tell me to go away and i will. hopefully , since you were there too you can understand my immediate fascination with this upon googling myself.
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Its not up to us to tell you to go away....I think its great for you to be here. I guess I just see whats coming based on what you've posted, and I want to help you undertstand why, thats all. I hope you find some measure of undertanding and healing here too, after all thats what its here for, right?
Your described "fascination" has been experienced by most all of us upon finding these fora and the straight sites. Although there have been marked differences in how we all describe it, its a feeling that is very well understood.
Welcome to the Forum, LOVE YA ANON! Sorry....ONLY joking.
:silly:
[ This Message was edited by: Carmel on 2005-12-09 08:25 ]
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I am sorry but when you said "love ya anon" i fell out of my seat laughing out loud and attempted(for the bazillionth time) to explain to my wife why i was laughing. maybe i can get some sort of solidarity out of this site. starry pirate, would love to hear from you but understand if you do not want to make any contact. i certainly know who you are based on what you said. i was in the same program as you. i amke the joke all the time that is why was laughing so hard. I just helped my mom out of the hospital after a hip replacement, and when we standing at the door of her house i just looked at her and she said exactly what i was thinking and we both laughed. she said "COMMMMMIN HOME".
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I think you should stay. And I agree with what Carmel said.
I also completely understand the hostility being directed toward you cause I would probably react the same way if a former staff that was, say involved in my kidnapping, showed up. Most staff I dont harbor any particular hostility towards cause I view them as being victims of brainwashing who became perpetrators of abuse. And quite possibly, not all former staff realized that being on staff itself was active participation in the abuse of hundred of kids. But that's just my take and others may disagree with me. But if a former staff person gave me hell, then my objectivity goes right out the window. So from that perspective, I completely understand Pirate's and Withdraw's reaction to you.
On the other hand, I understand your curiousity and desire to reconnect. I do think you should take the time to read more about Straight. There is plenty of information written by cult experts, coercive thought reform/mind control/brainwashing experts, and there is also plenty of documentation/personal testimony about the numerous abuses inflicted upon Straight clients.
I really am interested in hearing your answers to the previously posed questions. So again, I hope you stay.
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God dude, I don't want you to go away. Please stick around so we can get down to some understanding. I know that you were brainwashed by straight. There were things I wanted to say to you way back when but I had no voice at the time. Fuck. You have every right to be on this board. You have survived Str8 too. You were my oldcomer until i escaped from your house that very dark night.
It's like I want to be angry at you because in a way you represent that faceless institution to me. Aww... FUCK!
Do you remember how you confronted me when they brought me back into group ??
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Pirate, would love to swap stories. of course i remember that confrontation. i did not know what to say, only what i was suppossed to say. the neighbor whose door you knocked on all bloody has never forgotten it. if you would like to talk on the phone or pm each other i would do that. have thought about you from time to time. i was serious about the ping pong and beer.
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oh and pirate, how is your little brother C?
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i have to get off the computer for a few hours but am absolutely mesmerized by these discussions taking place 20 years later. from steve martin and the jerk..."all i can say is wow"
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Fuck, dude, I'm torn between anger and compassion for you.
C. is doin' great. Married to a beautiful and nice and smart woman who makes a ton of dough and C. brings it in too. They have twin 2 year ol' boys. Are you in contact with my ol' girlfriend Connie Sol%m%n, by any chance ?? I would really love to talk to her.
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no not connie. glad to hear about your brother. how have you been? where in pa do you live? i understand the anger but i cant do anything about that part of this equation. i can apologize, but as you are certainly aware, i thought i was being "caring" at the time. anyway, i am sorry. and your folks? have to go for a few hours but hopefully we can talk or say hi. anyway i have a "str8" based solution for your tape deck issue. go to walmart and stand in line to return the item, than go into a fake epileptic seizure and throw it and break it, and start screaming about corporate profits. you will get a new tape deck.
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LOL...thats great! I vote fot the seizure scam Pirate...all the way, forget about morality, thats just damn funny!
:rofl: :rofl:
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On 2005-12-09 08:05:00, Anonymous wrote:
"carmel, i really appreciated what you said. any attempts at making fun of what we went through ( of course i went through the program and my own horrifics) is the way that i deal with any emotions. i was not a tormentor of anybody and the timk incident happened in the guys infirmary and involved a a 26 yr old withdrawl, and i reported it to "higher staff". i have been through various different types of counseling over the years to deal with what i went through, but not recently, ande when i saw all of the raw emotions on this site, and all of the questions i was zapped immediatly back to the time period and all i can say is wow. i would never consider people's emotions or histories a joke and i apologize if you took it that way. sarcastically personal about everyhting( prob bc of 5515). i will stay away from this site if you think i should. tim k was not the only cocksucker. there were many. i do not believe i was one, but maybe i am still brainwashed and need to read more on the subject. all of you can tell me to go away and i will. hopefully , since you were there too you can understand my immediate fascination with this upon googling myself. "
b.s. faggot, you are a liar.
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::troll::
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I cannot believe all you suckers motivating around the old staff person. Fucking idiots. "No, Wally! Stay! We love you! We need a staff person around here!"
"Yeah Wally, we love you, please don't go!"
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On 2005-12-09 09:46:00, Carmel wrote:
" ::troll:: "
No Carmel, not a troll. Someone who knows this person is a sham, an abusive old staff, a liar, a cocksucker and a child abuser.
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On 2005-12-09 08:46:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
"God dude, I don't want you to go away. Please stick around so we can get down to some understanding. I know that you were brainwashed by straight. There were things I wanted to say to you way back when but I had no voice at the time. Fuck. You have every right to be on this board. You have survived Str8 too. You were my oldcomer until i escaped from your house that very dark night.
It's like I want to be angry at you because in a way you represent that faceless institution to me. Aww... FUCK!
Do you remember how you confronted me when they brought me back into group ??"
How can you still be such a sucker? Did you want to hug all the child abusers that fucked you over? Fuckin get some balls already. God damn.
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On 2005-12-08 11:14:00, Anonymous wrote:
"I never did anything personally to anyone that i have feelings about."
Hey guys, he said it, not me. And you call me a troll. Carmel, think before you post. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about.
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On 2005-12-08 11:38:00, Carmel wrote:
"In reality we were all contributing to what happened there whether we were staff or clients.
Just by the fact that I complied with having to hold people down because I would be considered dishonest otherwise makes me a culprit in some ways.
"
Carmel, you idiot, you were a child. This guy was PAID STAFF. He loved Straight so much he stuck around to keep it going! He came back when they closed it to collect memorabilia and have one last pretend rap.
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W-
Fuck! I accept your apology and you know what it's not you and I who should even have differences. It's the God Damned people that played us against each other that we should focus our anger-derived energy on.
I'm sorry too W. Sorry that our society and our culture are so fucked up as to generate these fucked up mind rape torture chambers. They want to conquer us by dividing us from each other and ourselves.
I guess I'm not even as angry at you as I am with just the whole thing. I am not really doin' so well. I have a lot of social problems due to my nearly 2 year incarceration in Str8. You know ?? Just when I should have been finding my place in the world, as a young man with a future I was hauled off to a secret prison and brainwashed. I've never recovered. I can't keep a job or go to school. I freak out in institutional settings. I don't trust anyone. I am very uncomfortable around people. I can't even relax enough with the women i am in bed with to ever fall asleep next to them. My anxiety keeps me in a prison yet. I'm not completely miserable or nothin', I mean I think I'm a nice guy 'n' all, 'n' I don't walk around completely bitter and cynical like I used to but I carry some nasty scars and have some un-healed wounds. Dig ??
Stick around Man, I think we can work this out. You are my brother after all. Solidarity!
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On 2005-12-08 11:50:00, Anonymous wrote:
"i also in the last 5 min spoke with another old staff memeber from the 80's."
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T- i respect you a lot for posting this. I sent you a private message and am sorry that you have to endure being civil to me.
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On 2005-12-09 08:05:00, Anonymous wrote:
"carmel, i really appreciated what you said. any attempts at making fun of what we went through ( of course i went through the program and my own horrifics) is the way that i deal with any emotions. i was not a tormentor of anybody and the timk incident happened in the guys infirmary and involved a a 26 yr old withdrawl, and i reported it to "higher staff". i have been through various different types of counseling over the years to deal with what i went through, but not recently, ande when i saw all of the raw emotions on this site, and all of the questions i was zapped immediatly back to the time period and all i can say is wow. i would never consider people's emotions or histories a joke and i apologize if you took it that way. sarcastically personal about everyhting( prob bc of 5515). i will stay away from this site if you think i should. tim k was not the only cocksucker. there were many. i do not believe i was one, but maybe i am still brainwashed and need to read more on the subject. all of you can tell me to go away and i will. hopefully , since you were there too you can understand my immediate fascination with this upon googling myself. "
Don't leave. I was a staff member in Sarasota and initially I got the same treatment here. At first I was resentful at some of the attacks because I believe and still believe that I genuinely helped people while I was there and had no ill-intent in my heart. I was much younger that almost anyone at the time perhaps this sheltered me in some ways as has been suggested by some here. I did not see the things that have been described here, but I do believe they happened at a later time. I am one who actually believes I was helped by Straight, again an idea that does not sit well here, but it is how I feel. All that being said, I think it is important for me to check in from time to time at this website and read about others experiences and understand that things went terribly wrong with the straight concept. The people here are dealing with the past in what ever way they can including me. I say, do not doubt your feelings about what you did at straight. Don't be swayed by the opinions thrown your way here. You know in your heart if you mistreated people. Right or wrong, some people are rightfully bitter and any former staff will get the brunt of their venting. This site has opened my eyes to a world that I was a part of and things never knew about. So, in that way it has helped me to understand people here more.
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On 2005-12-09 09:51:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
On 2005-12-09 08:46:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
"God dude, I don't want you to go away. Please stick around so we can get down to some understanding. I know that you were brainwashed by straight. There were things I wanted to say to you way back when but I had no voice at the time. Fuck. You have every right to be on this board. You have survived Str8 too. You were my oldcomer until i escaped from your house that very dark night.
It's like I want to be angry at you because in a way you represent that faceless institution to me. Aww... FUCK!
Do you remember how you confronted me when they brought me back into group ??"
How can you still be such a sucker? Did you want to hug all the child abusers that fucked you over? Fuckin get some balls already. God damn."
Fuck you. I am dealin' with this cat the way I see fit.
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I'd like for you to stay. You are however an admitted overseer of my stay there. I was frozen on Day Zero all that time, I have suffered for many years, So don't get frustrated with me when I need to tell a staff person what was happening to me. FINALLY, I get to tell someone! I get to tell someone to wake the hell up and take me off those consquences and let me go home! So when I need to say that stuff, don't get upset and run away and leave me behind once again. Atleast stay and listen to us and maybe we can all find a way to process the past there.
However the forum and discussions here can become very overwhelming, so breaks from posting are expected. But don't leave us behind. Face us and hear what we have to say. I know you were in the program also, and I do realize you were doing what you were told and what you were taught. But that, for me doesn't explain why you stood by and allowed it. I do realize, until now maybe you didn't know how you particiated in the abuse that was happening. I hope this serves as a wake up call, that your reality is not the same as everyones. Man, didn't you realize there was something very wrong and twisted when Giles would slam his head into that front wall? Gawd, I still hear that sound and see the blood.
Funny how a couple of the staff who attempted to comfort me are dead or in jail, sad in a way. As far as L.D. goes I heard and have no remorse except for her family, but I am gratful she can no longer destroy children like she did to me. When I think of sittting there, She and Leslie M. (and those giant abusive girls in group, who always slammed me to the floor) are who I think of first as the most abusive directly to me. I also think of Jason, I owe him a letter to let him know of his impact on me, I wish I knew how to write a letter to him. The times he'd sit with me in the back of group and try to tell me "this was but a tick of time on the watch of time" and someday I'd get out meant alot. It didn't fix it, but he was probably the only person in there who attempted to give me some kind of hope. He deserves to know.
I'd like to know who you are so I can process my memories of your specific impact on me. The memories might be comforting or they may be destructive, either way, it could give us both a new perspective. I'm not a violent person, but when it comes to that place I am full of rage toward those who stood by and didn't protect me as another human soul. So you know how to PM me, please do. This a place for all of us to find a common ground, sometimes that process is not pretty. I also just happened upon this information last year and it floored me....So much so I had to leave the forum for many months due to the traumatic impact the memories brought forward.
I'd also like to hear the answers to those questions, we have so many questions. There is so much we still don't understand about how it all worked. What went on behind that secret door in the back of group, was there any plan of treatment? I can attest to having no treatment whatsoever. All I got was horrific abuse.You can choose to help us learn. I hope you take the chance to tell your story. I hope you try to help us understand what allowed you to carry the torch of torture for those monsters who payed you to enforce the abuse. And if you were on staff, you had a choice to protect the children or enforce the abuse, which did you choose? Obviously to me, since you were my staff, you choose to carry the torch. You chose to not see how damaging day zero was for me. Maybe you couldn't see then, but it's been 20 yrs, listen to me.... it was devastating.
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Wow, now I am seeing the faces of those who laughed at me and called me names, stood me up to confront me for sitting on my hands... You are one of those faces, so you know. That doesn't mean I hate you, but it does prove to me you participated. See, me, I didn't particpate. I can stand up in the world and shout that and know it to be true. I don't think I'm better than anyone, but I sure am glad I don't have that to deal with, searching myself for those answers of why I let it be... Why I stood by and let it all happen.
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W- You have to prove to me that you are who you say you are. Who was the other oldcomer at the house the night I split. Do you have any siblings ?? What town was your parents host-home in ??
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I will answer as much as i can, and i will come back to this site regularly. some of the questions that have been asked i just dont know the answer to. sometimes it was so unorganized that there just are not any answers. pirate, i answered your question on a private message.
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On 2005-12-09 09:58:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
On 2005-12-08 11:38:00, Carmel wrote:
"In reality we were all contributing to what happened there whether we were staff or clients.
Just by the fact that I complied with having to hold people down because I would be considered dishonest otherwise makes me a culprit in some ways.
"
Carmel, you idiot, you were a child. This guy was PAID STAFF. He loved Straight so much he stuck around to keep it going! He came back when they closed it to collect memorabilia and have one last pretend rap. "
Look man, I am not blind or an idiot. I understand exactly what this person is, and what they did and what they stand for. It wasnt too long ago that my own boogey-staff came around here and I had to let them know what they did to me and how it effected me. I am not trying to rally around the friggin staff member and pretend to be back in the good old days, I think thats made really clear in what I have said before.
It DOES take alot of balls to simmer down and confront how you feel about someone in this persons position. Calling them a faggot and a liar and so forth is fine, but its far from unique or progressive....and frankly, isnt doing much for anyone on this thread except you. Whats wrong with trying to get some answers? Whats wrong with trying to understand? What else exactly, are we supposed to do in this life? Get "youre a dick" tatooed on our foreheads and then sew our mouths shut?
If Pirate wants to move forward, then far be it from any of us to hinder him. I vote for getting on with it.
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Yes, Carmel. I would like to move forward also.
I do understand how it must feel for W. to come here and have to see what I type. I am hoping that by finally being able to tell someone, (who had some resposibility over the abuse), how it effected me, I can retrieve that silenced part of me still stuck in the insanity that was Straight. And in all fairness he did ask. I am not angry at this staff perosn specifically, but find it a great relief to be able to speak about it and ask how it happened. If that is rallying around a staff member trying to get called on, so be it. Remember, Anon poster, I was never called on to just talk, it was always confrontation which led to restraint. This is the cycle I would like to see broken in my life. I can no longer sit on my hands, silent. I can however say what I need to and move forward and allow this person their own experience, even if it directly conflicts my own.
I don't need to hate anyone but the people who put us all in this situation in the first place. There are actual people who are directly responsible, W. isn't exactly one of them. He was just another pawn in the hands of criminals, Guilty of following and perpetuating an inertia that had already been moving long before he ever arrived. So I do think it took him a great deal of courage to even ask...What our experience was. Mine was devastating as you all know/have read. I have a right to stand up and be heard by someone who ripped at my soul. I'm looking only to be free of the silence. Day Zero(and all it encompasses) for 6.5 months destroyed/distorted so many parts of my on-going life. Maybe hearing us will give him some insight of how he can better stand up for humanity from now on. Maybe he can see how what he does to people can effect them forever and choose to make a better choice next time.
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OK W. I believe it is actually you. I have more to discuss with you but not right now. I'll have to come back to this in a bit.
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On 2005-12-08 20:01:00, Anonymous wrote:
"i am pretty awake where i am now. what time is it where you are? i am angry at straight stuff in my life now, you are angry at straight stuff in your life, and you are angry at me??? would you like some fries with that?"
He said it, not me.
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On 2005-12-08 21:01:00, Anonymous wrote:
"you keep seeming to fuck up the quotes. people say what they mean and know...especially on these sites. i respect your anger but cannot condone your crappy quotting skills. be honest with what people have said and escalate conversational where-with-all or take your marbles and run home."
He said it, not me.
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He is comming to a realization that may be tough to face. I will give this person the benefit of the doubt until the shock wears off and he proves he is against people who are against Straight and what it stands for.
I'd bet he didn't even realize we were out here, still suffering.
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Well, that's pretty much my attitude too.
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On 2005-12-09 10:17:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
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On 2005-12-09 09:51:00, Anonymous wrote:
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On 2005-12-09 08:46:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
"God dude, I don't want you to go away. Please stick around so we can get down to some understanding. I know that you were brainwashed by straight. There were things I wanted to say to you way back when but I had no voice at the time. Fuck. You have every right to be on this board. You have survived Str8 too. You were my oldcomer until i escaped from your house that very dark night.
It's like I want to be angry at you because in a way you represent that faceless institution to me. Aww... FUCK!
Do you remember how you confronted me when they brought me back into group ??"
How can you still be such a sucker? Did you want to hug all the child abusers that fucked you over? Fuckin get some balls already. God damn."
Fuck you. I am dealin' with this cat the way I see fit. "
Funny how you can be like that to a random anonymous poster on a message board, but you can't cut to the chase with this other guy who actually abused you.
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On 2005-12-09 14:16:00, Anonymous wrote:
"He is comming to a realization that may be tough to face. I will give this person the benefit of the doubt until the shock wears off and he proves he is against people who are against Straight and what it stands for.
I'd bet he didn't even realize we were out here, still suffering. "
Typical.
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On 2005-12-08 09:06:00, Anonymous wrote:
Having been a staff member, I do not feel i owe anybody an apology, but would love to hear more from people about life experiences that they feel are outside of the norm due to the common time we shared together at "the warehouse".
Such arrogance! :flame:
Coming to a survivors forum with such a contemptious (is that a word) attitude and wanting to have a nice chat of how our lives where out side of the norm due to common time we shared.
I graduated/finished/7th stepped/completed the program and I would never consider poo-pooing those who did not. :flame: Who the fuck do you think you are?
And you think that Straight was/is the "freest place" we have ever found...I would love to hear your explaination for that!!! Explain that now then explain it 3-4 weeks from now after you have had a chance to go thru these pages.
Have a seat...shut the fuck up and read!
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He did make a few apologies already. Even after he said he didn't feel he needed to.
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On 2005-12-09 14:31:00, Anonymous wrote:
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On 2005-12-09 10:17:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
"
On 2005-12-09 09:51:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
On 2005-12-09 08:46:00, starry-eyed pirate wrote:
"God dude, I don't want you to go away. Please stick around so we can get down to some understanding. I know that you were brainwashed by straight. There were things I wanted to say to you way back when but I had no voice at the time. Fuck. You have every right to be on this board. You have survived Str8 too. You were my oldcomer until i escaped from your house that very dark night.
It's like I want to be angry at you because in a way you represent that faceless institution to me. Aww... FUCK!
Do you remember how you confronted me when they brought me back into group ??"
How can you still be such a sucker? Did you want to hug all the child abusers that fucked you over? Fuckin get some balls already. God damn."
Fuck you. I am dealin' with this cat the way I see fit. "
Funny how you can be like that to a random anonymous poster on a message board, but you can't cut to the chase with this other guy who actually abused you."
Actually I said the same thing to him too, only I capitalized the FUCK YOU for him. Also I have a personal history with both of these people. You assume way too much.
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When I started wondering why I still feared eventually being locked up again after so many years of being a good upstanding citizen, I started thinking I needed to finally look at this and get over it if that was at all possible.
Reading posts exactly like this one- describing the exact same phobias and compulsions that have been stinking up my personality for years proves the truth that the place effected me NEGATIVELY.
I would be interested in hearing more from an ex staff member in case it was someone I remembered from there. There was one staff above all others who I thought was the best to me and seemed to be less concerned with inflicting humiliation. He spoke about being epileptic which may or may not have made me feel the he tried to be more honest - who knows. Another friend of mine remembers things differently, she wrote a poem about this guy. I was 14 and up until that time only had experienced being screwed with on a very basic level, guys at parties, my mother and her vieolent ravings etc.
Until Straight I had no concept of real hopelessness and desperation. I was terrified that all the things they told me would happen when I left, however was convinced that I would never finish the program anyway.
I went to AA, drank on 6.5 years of sobriety when I turned 21.
I have not attend an AA meeting in over 10 years. Since I stopped all the "recovery"; I stopped smoking, graduated college, married, had a child, and have a career that I enjoy and my life is better than I would ever have hoped.
I am most interested in moving forward, being as positive, useful and productive as possible.
I resent the *&^% out of the fact that I still feel I am doomed to failure because I am not "in recovery" attending meetings every night and the like.
I could go on and on, suffice it to say that I have definately been affected by that place, negatively, not to mention the rest of my family.
I do believe in moving ahead and only want to finally get those negative thoughts out of my head - thoughts I know wouldn't be so deeply rooted if they hadn't been planted there when I was totally vulnerable and unable to fight back.
Until I started looking at these posts, it never occurred to me that all the unpleasant things about that place, absence of light, lack of sleep, and food at times, were intentional.
I have succeeded in life IN SPITE of that place, I have formed normal relationships IN SPITE of that place. My sisters are still talking to me IN SPITE of how much they hated me when I got out of there. One of my sisters, a straight A student - never did anything wrong before this, tried to kill herself less than a year after we left there.
I wasn't the only one effected, they had no choice about graduating or not.
I do sincerely hope to hear, however, that people who really believed in the place- enough to turn around and make their living there, are capable of seeing the truth at some point too.
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James Ficarro here. Springfield 84-86, staff trainie, 7 stepper. email me if your worried about your confidentiality. [email protected]
I have some of the same problems that people have been discussing (anxiety, confrontational, etc), but sorry, I am not anti straight. Maybe I am still brainwashed after all these years. Of course it sucked, but I have mixed feelings about it. Let me know who you are because we were obviously in group together. I am dying to know.
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J.F.,I don't think you were there when I was, you are free to go. Unless someone else finds you guilty, then by all means stick around and hear them out, you may learn something :cool:
I used the term guilty, because after all you were on staff of sorts.
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I must have been invisible in that damn place. I 7 stepped the same day as Jim... the kid who got ran over on the beltway. I was best friends with Sue and I have heard that karem is doing very well as an MD in San Francisco. Come on... who are you? [email protected]
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Oh well, got to get some sleep. I would love to hear from Springfield people. contact me. JF
In the mean time. Here is my Christmas MI:
I feel really good about being able to watch The Never Ending Story in the carpet room today. I could relate to the boy in the story who obviously had a drug problem because he was confused and yelled a lot. I think the princess was like group, trying to get me to believe and do the right thing, and the darkness was drugs. I especially liked the mountain character? but he may have represented being high because mountains are high and made of stone. I have serious doubts about this movie. Even the main character liked to get high; always riding on that dragon.
I am powerless over having watched the Never Ending Story and liking characters that like to be high and are made out of stone. I feel discouraged that I want to have a dragon so I can be high too and a druggie friend like that mountain guy who was so high. I ask my higher power to give me strength to close my eyes next time there is a movie in the carpet room and hum straight songs loudly in my head throughout the show to block out the forces of darkness and mountains and dragons that would lead me back to drugs. Next Christmas, if I am still on 1st phase, I will ask for a small group one-on-one during the movie so I can get all my feelings out and resolve these mountain/dragon fears.
I feel good about the fact that, even though I sat Indian style for 5 hours, my knees will be ok after surgery.
I feel good about getting a pair of underwear for my Christmas present.
I feel good about the Christmas dinner of a spoon full of tuna on a piece of lettuce with a dixi cup of water.
Short term goals
I will talk in group about my doubts about enjoying the intake room in mornings because the smell gives me a buzz.
I will not make eye contact with others, even though others is so cute. I am not talking behind backs because I said ?others?.
I will report my oldcomer to a 5th phaser because he knows who others is and is still allowing me to write others in my MI.
Long term goals (6-9 months)
I will make T&R so I can vacuum others office
I will get up the courage to talk about the time that I threw a paper airplane that hit my cousin in the eye. I will admit that if I hadn?t been a druggie, I would have never done that and my cousin wouldn?t have been forced to cuss and rub his eye.
I will learn to have more spit come out of my mouth when I yell so I can be more affective in close group therapy.
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Springfield Straight. A very frightening place. Look at all the proStraightlings coming out of the woodwork, just as suspected.
Mel Riddile. What do remember about this guy? Discuss.
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Scary indeed. James, I remember you. Sorry to read you haven't got the big picture yet. Of course you are entitled to your own mind, if that's what it is, and not Straight's mind which has been implanted into you like some kind of a freak in an old monster movie. I wish you the best.
Wally- I went to bed last night not quite comfortable with some of the things you wrote yesterday. I didn't much care for your "LOVE YA TODD" at the end of your pm to me. In fact if you can find room up your arse, what with that ol' disassembled rap stool already takin' up space there, i reccomend you shove that part of your pm right up there too. I thought Carmel did a really good job yesterday of trying to provide you with a proper perspective on where you are and who you are dealin' with on this forum. I am tryin' to be cool about all this even though you were definately fucked up for bein' on staff. I'm tryin' to give you a chance but you better wise up quick. It's your turn to be humble now. If you aren't gettin it, then maybe you better just keep your mouth shut until you've read up on other peoples experiences in that mind rape torture chamber we all know as Str8 Inc. You hurt my friend Withdraw, among others here, and she is a beautiful soul. You better open your eyes and get some respect.
Wally, See the misery that Str8 inflicted on my brothers and sisters here. See the pain that imprisons so many to this day. Open your eyes, Open your ears, The Jews have a sayin': "You have 2 ears and 1 mouth , you should listen twice as much as you talk". I think this applies to you right now. You were part of that monstrous organization. You took money to oppress your brothers and sisters. How can you even listen to any righteous reggae without guilt. You would do well to be humble now. Take in this forum and hopefully set yourself free in the process. Get real my old oldcomer or FUCK OFF AND DIE.
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On 2005-12-08 09:06:00, Anonymous wrote:
"I was in Straight in the 80's and staff as well. I googled myself and came up with this column ,with I thought was interesting. Been some time since I have pondered ole' 5515 Backlick Rd and the sound your host families' tires used to make went they hit the gravel and woke you up to the realization that in less than 2 minutes you will be stuffed with 43 other rank, farting straightlings in a small room holding only your shitty lunch of one fruit and whatever your host family's dog didn't eat the night before . I have found the way I view some things is different from others because of my experiences at straight(i.e. what do you mean you got laid at the prom? what's a prom?) but overall I say I am okay with what happened and how things have turned out. I still have many friends from Straight that I see and interact with all the time, although none that I know are still "straight" and i cant remember the last time it even came up in conversation, including some of the mentionables in this column. While I am not casting any bad karma at all to anybody who did not complete the program, I certainly think that the psychological effects of not doing so have been very damaging to some of these people. Having been a staff member, I do not feel i owe anybody an apology, but would love to hear more from people about life experiences that they feel are outside of the norm due to the common time we shared together at "the warehouse". We should all get together for beers and ping pong regularly."
amscray