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« on: November 08, 2002, 06:50:00 PM »
See, there are those who beleive that love is a feeling, and those who beleive that it is an action, and I believe that it's an action. When you stop treating someone with love, you stop loving them. That's certainly how it feels to the person on the recieving end.
There are obviously situations where you have to stop giving love to someone whether you like it or not, alcoholoism or no alcoholism. But I'm talking about situations where people are quick to cut people out just because they don't like their behavior. For instance if someone is "toxic" because they are physically or mentally abusive, obviously that person needs to be shut out. But if they are "toxic" just because you don't think that they are as spiritual as you are, or as reliable, or whatever it is that person is doing, then I believe there comes a time when we all have to learn that if we want to love that person, then we continue to give love to that person and hope that it helps them to grow out of their troubles. If we don't do that, then we must think that we are All Knowing, and I've yet to meet someone like that.
If you are an addict/alcoholic and you relapse you are probably aslo acting on a lot of behaviors that will push people away. But does that mean that your 12 step friends should shut you out? A lot of people in AA/NA have an "every man for himself" attitude, which shows that their mental stability or sobriety is pretty weak if they can't help someone else through the trenches step by step. How many people do you know in AARC who will stay friends with another graduate when that graduate is using? Honestly? I know none. So that friendship was never really strong. I made friends once with a severely addicted heroine junkie. I would never in a million years call her "toxic" just because of one addiction. Despite her addiction her spirit shone through. She was lost in one way, just like all of us get lost in some way. Don't you have overweight staff members? Does that mean that they are "toxic" and should be fired because of their food addiction? Should you "detach" from them so that they don't make you fat too?
I also think that with kids or teens the "tough Love" bit is a huge mistake. A few years back I read a study (can't remember who it was by) saying that addicts who came from families who continued to support them and allow them in their home had a better success rate of recovering, and were less likely to go as far down because of it. I say I think it's a worse idea for kids, because if you kick a fifteen year old out of the house and stop giving them cash, where are they going to go? They're going to do something a lot worse than if they'd just kept spending their allowance and coming home in the middle of the night. It's like encouraging your child to become a theif, dealer, or prostitute.
This has gotten a bit off topic...But it's just my two cents on living with addicts and being a better friend in general.