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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Sleepless in Canada
« on: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM »
Sleepless in Canada
I was in AARC in 93 and 94, I signed myself in and could have left at anytime, God I wish I would have. Years later, I still judge everything I do, still think that I am a bad person.
After I was out of treatment for about 6 months, I made the horrible choice to go and work there. That is the truly ##*&*%ed up thing, getting clients to work on staff. I was so proud of myself at the time, believing that I was helping people, thinking I had that special gift to reach out to others. HA! I just drilled into them everything that had been drilled into me. The sexual confessions were always the worst for me. Someone shares how their father raped them or about having sex with animals, and five minutes later, its the end of rap, so "just let it go".
I know I am just going off here, but it's good to finally talk about it with people that understand. I am totally going to break my own anonyimity here by sharing this story, but what the hell. When I was in treatment, I tried to kill myself, did a really good job of it to. I slashed my wrists about forty times on each wrist, I was covered with blood, literally. I walked out of the bathroom where I did it on my own, realizing that I really did not want to die. I was taken to the hospital, stiched up and then brought back to group, still covered with blood, so that group could yell at my for an hour or two, telling my how selfish I was, how full of #%#, how pathetic I was. I had to sit on a "rap" stool in front of everyone and listen to their crap. Can you say, just a little traumatic. That night I was of course upset, and I was crying in bed, and my oldcomer used the ever popular phrase "let it go". Oh, and months later, when I was a shining example of "an addict in recovery", Vause would tell the story of my suicide attempt, but somehow the way things happened changed. Apparently they broke the door down to get my, "would have died if they hadn't done that", anything for effect.
Pathetic. I dream a lot, I wish that would stop.
I was in AARC in 93 and 94, I signed myself in and could have left at anytime, God I wish I would have. Years later, I still judge everything I do, still think that I am a bad person.
After I was out of treatment for about 6 months, I made the horrible choice to go and work there. That is the truly ##*&*%ed up thing, getting clients to work on staff. I was so proud of myself at the time, believing that I was helping people, thinking I had that special gift to reach out to others. HA! I just drilled into them everything that had been drilled into me. The sexual confessions were always the worst for me. Someone shares how their father raped them or about having sex with animals, and five minutes later, its the end of rap, so "just let it go".
I know I am just going off here, but it's good to finally talk about it with people that understand. I am totally going to break my own anonyimity here by sharing this story, but what the hell. When I was in treatment, I tried to kill myself, did a really good job of it to. I slashed my wrists about forty times on each wrist, I was covered with blood, literally. I walked out of the bathroom where I did it on my own, realizing that I really did not want to die. I was taken to the hospital, stiched up and then brought back to group, still covered with blood, so that group could yell at my for an hour or two, telling my how selfish I was, how full of #%#, how pathetic I was. I had to sit on a "rap" stool in front of everyone and listen to their crap. Can you say, just a little traumatic. That night I was of course upset, and I was crying in bed, and my oldcomer used the ever popular phrase "let it go". Oh, and months later, when I was a shining example of "an addict in recovery", Vause would tell the story of my suicide attempt, but somehow the way things happened changed. Apparently they broke the door down to get my, "would have died if they hadn't done that", anything for effect.
Pathetic. I dream a lot, I wish that would stop.