Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - NOT12NOW

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 7
The Seed Discussion Forum / seed loosing it's power over me!
« on: January 23, 2007, 05:32:29 AM »
Thanks guys.  It's so nice to have people who understand how that place gets into one and tries to hold on.  People who understand what a triumph it is to shrink the seed's power.

And guest, I day I dream I am in the seed and just walk out laughing, I am gonna do a friggin victory dance!!

I picked it up at the library.

I read it in because the it had the both the mother and daughters perspective but I ended up wondering, as you mentioned, what the daughter might write in 5-10 years.  I didn't even begin to understand how damaging the seed had been to me until I was in my twenties and I was graduated and gone from the seed by the time I was 14..

The sexual abuse wasn't nearly that simple.  As she told it she didn't just let the abusing parent keep seeing her daughter the courts wouldn't grant her the right to refuse him visitation.  Still she struck me as the sort of parent who is suseptable to trouble teen programs, The sort of person who thinks pot and heroin are equally serious drugs, disassociated and judgemental though she admits as much as the story progresses crediting the program for changing her.

It did bring up a lot of stuff for me but the specifics of the program were very different than the seed so I wondered what folks who have been though a wasp program might see that I missed.

The Seed Discussion Forum / seed loosing it's power over me!
« on: January 19, 2007, 10:10:53 AM »
For most of my adult life I have had nightmares in which my parents were putting me back in the seed.  In these dreams, I have always been  desperate and helpless and despite the fact that as soon as I woke I knew what I dreamt was no real danger the nightmares left me shaken and often unable to get back to sleep but I've noticed a change in my seed dreams of late.  A few month ago I mentioned to my partner that I'd like to get to the point where I could remember during my dream that I was an adult now and that my parents did not have the power to commit me anymore.  Soon after my dreams started changing in subtle ways.   In a dream I had last week I had been re-admitted to the program. I was on my three nights and was still a teenager but I had an ally.  A man who knew I wanted to spend as little time there as was possible until I graduated.  He called and talked to the staff saying, I would be checking in with him instead of going to the seed sometimes then told me I had the day off.   I wasn't in any way suspicious of him. I had confidence that he was honestly covering for me.

Since then I have had several other seed dreams.  Dreams in which I try to help old friends who get sent into the program by warning them to keep a low profile.  Dreams in which I am in the program, going through the motions but with full knowledge that it's all bullshit, full knowledge that I am fooling them and feeling no fear.

I haven't had a dream yet were I realized I was an adult and could just walk out of the place but in my dream last night I chose clothing to wear to the seed in  my adult size not my twelve-year-old size.

I am getting there.  The seed is loosing its power over my psyche.  javascript:emoticon('8-)')

You've got to be kidding.  A book comes out about a mother and daughters experience in a wasp program and no one here has read it!
Somebody has to have read it but no reactions?  Is it because it's perspective was pro-program?  Doesn't anybody want to counter that view?   Really I am interested.

have any you who went though a wasp program read "Come Back?"  Thoughts?

The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seven Steps
« on: September 30, 2006, 06:52:05 PM »
Quote from: ""Cassandra""
Daytime talk shows remind me of group.

My god! I can't believe I never made that connection before those programs could have been created by someone who had been though one of these fucking programs; maybe they were.  
The formate is identical.  They get some sucker to state something-- "I like the way I dress I look sexy.  I don't care what anyone else says."  Then they open it up to the audience to call them nasty things till they recant and agree to a make over.
I've always said that when our culture falls historians are going to point to the popularity of those shows as evidence of our crumbling social structure.  The way throwing christians to the lions is understood as a evidence of the crumbling  roman empire.

I used to get really anxious before staff meetings at work.  It took me years to figure out that it was because my moody boss made the experience like group for me.  Mostly the meetings were dull but every few weeks she would get in a bunch about something and wail on us.  Just like group, long periods of boredom punctuated by sudden attacks.  For months I was mystified by my anxiety,  everyone else thought she could be a royal bitch but I was the only one crying before staff meetings.  When I made the connection that the way I felt in staff meetings, was the way I felt in group my feelings made sense.  Her explosions were a pain in the ass to my co-workers, but to me it was a trip back to the front row.

One last thing, I  heard a radio story in the last year about DARE.  According to this report there was never any evidence that this program kept anyone off drugs and yet it continued to be funded regardless of the lack of proof that it worked.  I don't remember it there was a study that showed it didn't work or if there was never any evaluation of the programs success at all.  

can't say it suprised me.

The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seven Steps
« on: September 28, 2006, 10:30:19 AM »
Quote from: ""Guest""
First and formost they said they loved me and would always be there and one morning I came in and they said we will be gone in two hours. GONE!! For two years I had nothing else but them.  So 30 years of committment issues, NO ONE means it when they say they will always be there. So now I am tired of typing if you want to know the others let me know. WHY AM I STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS 30 YEARS LATER??

I understand that, despite the fact, that for me the seed leaving town was nothing but a great relief.  Still its not hard to understand that for those of you who made friends and a life in the seed that their sudden, and heartlessly executed retreat would deeply damage your trust in love and commitment.  Of course your still thinking about it 30 years later you were traumatized.  I hated every minute I was in that place and I still think about, have nightmares about it even, 30 years later so if there if that's weird--you've got company.

And about the seven steps conversation.  You don't have to agree with what anyone says here to be a welcome participant.  Just because we were all in the seed doesn't mean we all had the same experience.

The Seed Discussion Forum / The Seven Steps
« on: September 20, 2006, 09:33:27 AM »
Quote from: ""Stripe""
What I recall most about this "STEP" was the emphasis on NOT making amends because it would be hurtful or would not be safe for my "straightness," and (continuing the justifications) I had to put myself first and be selfish and do the right thing for myself and then the right things would happen and the world would be better because my old druggie friends would see I was living a better life and then they would want a better life, too and they would come to The Seed and blah, blah, blah.

That's how I remember it Stripe.  
I did apologizing to some kids, but they were "straight" kids with whom I shared a school building, not old friends. Often after I apologized to these kids they would want to be friendly, eat lunch with me, hang out; but the same kids I ridiculed for being uncool before the seed were never straight enough after I was in the seed.  So generally I made amends for treating some poor kid badly and then after a week or two of friendly behavior panicked and hurt them again with the, I am sorry I can't be your friend unless you go to the seed speech.

I was really struck by the prayer and meditation/medication rule.
Wow, how they twisted that one.  Now, looking back, I can't believe anyone bought raps as being prayer and meditation. We were allowed no internal life ever; prayer and meditation depends on internal life; a quiet dropping deeply into one's self is required for both, observing ones inner thoughts and feelings without judgment or letting the outside world slip away and seeking guidance from inside.   Ha, if I had ever truly prayed in-group I can only imagine I would have been told to get out of my head pronto.   If I had insisted I was praying. I would have been dead meat

The Seed Discussion Forum / Talk about a chilling experience
« on: September 15, 2006, 11:40:07 AM »
I re-read it an was blown away by the similarities. Didn't have to read far before I found something that reminded me of the seed. The telescreen, the contraptions everywhere that watching and spoke to them.

"Winston turned a switch and the voice sank somewhat though the words were still distinguishable....The telescreen, it was called could be dimmed, but there was no way of shutting it off completely."

"The telescreen recieved and transmitted simultaneously.  Any sound that Winston made, above the level of a very low whisper, would be picked up by it; moreover, so long as he remained with in the field of vision which the metal plaque commanded, he could be seen as well as heard.  There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any give moment.  How often, or on what system, the thought police plugged in on any indidual wire was guesswork.  It was even conceiveable that they watched everybody all the time..  But at any rate they could plug in your wire whenever they wanted to. You had to live-did live, from habit that became instinct in the assumption that every sound you made was overhead , and,...every movement scrutinized."

The Seed Discussion Forum / Bingo the clowno makes a visit....
« on: September 15, 2006, 11:18:01 AM »
I see it, particularly in this detail.  They agressively insist he is Bingo but when he finally cracks and believes he's Bingo they retreat letting him believe it was his own realization; as if he hadn't been forced.

The Seed Discussion Forum / How Long until You Confessed?
« on: August 17, 2006, 08:23:22 AM »
Why?   Because we would like to know about your experience.  That's what we do here, share our true experiences.  I'd like to know how old you were when you went in the program, when you were there, how long you stayed around.

When you toss out platitudes like, "to thy own self be true," it reminds me of one of my experiences at the seed.  The experience of having ones feelings shot down.   It used to happen traveling back and forth from the program, at school or on permission outings with other seedlings.  It went like this one seedling says something not strickly with the program, is seen being too friendly with a non-seedling at school,  mentions liking a movie or song that isn't directly seed sanctioned and their seed companion tosses out a platitude like, "I used to see it that way before I started working the program, Hang around a barbershop and your going to get a hair cut, or that's a druggy song/movie."  Not a direct attack just a poke, a reminder that an attack could happen at any time.  

It worked like a charm.  I pushed down my true feelings so far I didn't know what my true feelings were.  Now I do.

The Seed Discussion Forum / How Long until You Confessed?
« on: August 16, 2006, 07:47:33 AM »
in answer to Remembering question.  I recall feeling only relief when I came up with my "exageration."  Finally, I had hit the mark and people started treating me more kindly.

The Seed Discussion Forum / How Long until You Confessed?
« on: August 15, 2006, 04:59:43 PM »
never lied in any straight forward way.  I had smoked pot but never been high.  I drank but had only been drunk once.  My story became that the only reason I had done so few drugs was because other drugs had never come my way, "I would have taken anything given to me," was what I said.  I think, it took me about two weeks to settle on that line.    It was the compromise I made because I  believed the staff could read my mind, so I wouldn't have dared  lie and know I was lieing.  So instead of lying about a list of drugs I just lied about myself, my core.  I did everything I could to convince them and myself that I really would have done heroin if somebody offered it to me.   Just like everyone else first I tried to fake it to get sent home, then I broke which, meant I started trying to fool myself instead of them.   And fool myself I did.  Sadly to this day I am still not quite sure what the truth was.  I know that, "I would have done anything anyone gave me," wasn't true but I also know I did lots of frightenly destructive, dangerous things to myself and others.  To this day I still don't know how much danger I was actually in or if I might have been able to come out of it myself.

The Seed Discussion Forum / Symbolism and branding
« on: July 29, 2006, 12:45:36 PM »
Did you Florida folks buy buttons?  In Cleveland we had seed buttons.  They looked very much like the seal Endora found just tackier.  I used to wear mine to school.  It was the last seed thing I got rid of.  

Mustard seed necklaces were popular too, among the chicks, the seed however didn't sell those.

Oh and those copies of the serenity prayer laquered on plaques which, were a common gift among seedlings.  Gawd Awful!

The Seed Discussion Forum / Differences Between Straight and The Seed
« on: July 27, 2006, 07:51:05 PM »
"but we can physically hold you" creepy.  Seedy creepy

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 7