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Messages - Withdraw

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Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: November 28, 2009, 01:47:38 PM »
Brainwashed - Maybe what you don't understand about me is, I thought I was more fucked up than the rest of you because I couldn't conform. Everyone around me tried to convince me on a daily basis that I was the one who was broken. It took me years and reading posts here to realize that most of you even experienced guilt at all. That is what validates me so clearly. I don't experience that same guilt...because all I did was stare at the floor sitting on my hands and the only time I "lashed" out at anyone or anything around me was in an attempt to protect my physical body. You know, like when the people around me would try to force my head forward or try to pry my hands from under my legs... When people (who were doing what they HAD to..) would stand me up and scream and spit in my face while 2-3 other people held me against the wall... I just stood there.. DAY AFTER DAY. I don't know why, but I just gave up.. entirely. I was trying to express to you that I envyed the "fight" you guys write about. I didn't have it. It was a very lonely, traumatic existence. So, you can post all about how you have justified your actions all you want.. I could care less. I post about my experience and you post about yours.. so what, we were different. It is a shame that my posts make people question their own self approval morality, that is not my intention at all.

Your experience of guilt says a lot about how you feel about what you did in there. You can try to make me out to be someone who thinks of themselves as morally above you, but I do not feel this way at all. What is clear is that you have taken on the characteristic of feeling morally below me. That is all on you.

Shaggys - No, I never said that misbehaviors who randomly lashed out violently at innocent newcomers.. blah blah.. were more justified in their abuse of others as oldcommers working the program. Of course, I would think that anyone who abused anyone else in Straight was under the distress of the brainwashing...and it was what you HAD to do in order to get out. What you don't get is that, I never put that together..That reward system they had in place. I refused to accept their reward. Do not blame me that most people did. Their idea of reward was twisted and profane. I didn't want anything to do with. Get over it.

When I say Peace2u, i mean that. get over the drama and let everyone express their own experiences. I have no desire to conform to some idealized model some of you all have, so dont bother.


Open Free for All / Flu?
« on: November 25, 2009, 03:58:34 PM »
How many of you all have experienced this years flu?

OMG, this is brutal. Monday night, I thought I was gonna die from the pain all over my whole body. The fever is coming and going now, so at least it isn't a constant anymore.

If you had the flu, did you take the anti-viral or just wait it out? How long did it take before you felt better? I am going on 3 days and I have a feeling - I still have several days to go.

One good thing is, I now have a reason to just stay in bed for Thanksgiving... I don't have to make up a reason to avoid my family again this year.... hehe. Although, in a lot of ways.. I would LOVE to spread this H1N1 to them! muhahaha

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: November 16, 2009, 08:37:25 PM »
Woof -

This, "The moment you compromise your values, anger and rage most follow." is a completely correct statement. In Psychological analysis - when someone experiences this..  it can be called or cause - called Cognitive Dissonance. This occurs when a person has to do things they do not believe are right, but they must do them anyhow for one reason or another. I just researched (this week) a scholarly journal article about ICU nurses who experience high levels of MORAL DISTRESS, caused by cognitive dissonance. This study shows potential reasons why there is a nursing shortage. Cognitive dissonance causes plenty of emotional anguish, but it also causes noticeable physical distress (Like sleeplessness, or lowed immune responses) and of course issues with self image and depression etc.

Once someone experiences cognitive dissonance, they began to evaluate their motives and question their own character. This leads to low self worth and poor self appraisal. Which obviously leads to many, many more negative manifestations within the persons life.

I can see how most of us experienced this, during and after Straight, Inc. I wonder if this is the prime cause for the PTSD, that the VAST majority of us still endure. Interesting, I hadn't connected the dots from my research paper to this, until tonight. Thanks =)

If you g00gle Cognitive dissonance, there is a bunch on-line to read and videos showing how this theory is applied.

PS- Yay! My 3rd math exam and.. the cat muscle exam is over! (Today). I mean, wth kind of morbid college exam begins with .. you walk in and there are 30 dead (dissected) cats laying on trays around the room with their muscles marked with numbered pins.. UGH.. but yay, It's over and I am pretty sure I passed it w/ an A =)

Good discussion, Pirate!

Oh and I still say Cop-outs are MeOw ^.~


Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: November 13, 2009, 07:48:00 PM »
Shaggys, you missed my point. My point is... how fucked up a place is to make teenagers turn into people like that just to get out...Yes, it is something I couldn't do and for me it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I mean, 98% or more of the kids around me were doing it and it made me think I was crazy or broken...But then again.. I was the only kid in my class who refused to say the pledge and was kicked out of high school  for it... None of those kids understood why I didn't just go along. The point is I couldn't! I told them I would say "Many nations under many Gods" But wtf, that wasn't good enough for those fkrs at school. But for me, I needed to acknowledge all people in that pledge, because my pledge was to HUMANITY as a whole.

I thought until just a few years ago, I was the one who was broken. But then I realized there wasn't anything wrong with any of us, it was only how each individual responded. I vowed to die in Straight Va. 86... before I would eat the children around me. I don't know why, that is just how I responded, no better or worse.. just differently. Do not shame me because I have no understanding as to why people around me conformed. I will never be able to understand, just as you will never be able to understand why I didn't just "fake it". I mean you all are saying "faking it" was what one HAD to do. Which is not true. I would have sat on my hands there in that blue chair for the rest of my life, because as far as I was concerned.. my life had already ended the day they left me in that place. I had come to terms with that and had completely given up on day 1. And I was ok with that. They stood me up everyday and  many people spit in my face everyday. I was thrown to that floor everyday I was in there with some filthy hand over my mouth and 4 other girls sitting on my arms/legs... I just lost hope. I have no understanding of how any of you all had any hope of getting out at all. I had no understanding of what it was you all had to run to when you copped out.. I had nothing and I was empty, completely. I just sat there, on my hands staring at the floor.. and then Id be stood up and spat on or thrown to the floor. I had no hope inside me at all. No fight left. My only defense was to refuse to participate and hope to die.

My point is, like all those behavior experiments... People like power over others. And people with power will devour the souls of those under them. And then programs started using that fact to turn kids against other kids... "to save them from drugs". Meanwhile, it killed a part of each of us. Any small part you may think was good about straight, was a twisted version of reality and used against all of us. Each small part, was a part which made the whole machine run and work to break us all down. All of it was sick and psychotic. Disgusting. Maybe my hate for Straight and all places like it burns deeper than most peoples, but one thing is for sure.. that fire burns hot within me and I refuse, still to this day, to watch anyone be treated poorly. Even in my work, that is what will make me a great nurse. Because I will not stand by and let people abuse people (or animals) in the name of anything.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: November 12, 2009, 10:37:17 PM »
I couldn't quite finish earlier. ( omg, Surv!vor and Gr3y's Anatomy were coming on...) Anyhow, it just amazes me how people (all people, at some point in their lives..) tend to go along with the crowd. In Psych and Soc class we had to research the Asch and Zimbardo experiments. And it amazed me and reminded me so much of the dynamic Straight used to convince people to just go along with the crowd.

If you are ever bored and don't know about these experiments.. go read about them. They are really interesting and prove how mind control was being tested just prior to and during the years of Straight. These experiments had already proved that the dynamic that Straight used would work as well as it did. It will make you wonder a lot about what is really going through the minds of the other humans around you.. We are all hiding behind our smiles and knowing that makes me feel so icky inside.

Sigh, and you guys wonder why I wanna go and live in the middle of nowhere, LOL... It's because I know too much ^.~ and humans scare me!

PS: Sam, there was never any Baby. Just bath water... to bathe your brain. The baby.. it WAS the lie.

edited for 2 spelling errors, not content.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: November 12, 2009, 05:41:57 PM »
You know, I was thinking about this since I read the posts yesterday and I see even now in my life I am having to do this. As most of you know, I am very alternative thinking, and atm am in college in the Nursing program. I do have to be someone I am not use to being in an attempt to be successful in school. I am not sure if I am "faking" it or if I am in fact just finally growing up ;p But I am certainly not the person I was just a few years ago. Maybe I am just conforming to the normative rules of college until I get finished.. and then the "True" me can flourish again. I am not sure. In a lot of ways I sorta hope both is true, I hope I get to be both free spirited and disciplined at the same time. (If that makes any sense)

Geesh, I hope I still believe in Pixie dust and wishing on shooting stars when I am done school. It worries me a little....

And Pirate is right, I experienced some weird behaviors post straight. I never will forget.. After I got out, a few of my favorite straight friends who had been terminated or graduated had called me and I thought they were some pre-straight friends calling and I freaked out and said... "I can't talk to my DRUGGIE friends anymore...sorry" Of course these people then told me who they were.. and I was so shocked at myself that I had used those words "DRUGGIE FRIENDS" .. I mean wtf, I didn't even have actual druggie friends before straight, ROFL. But that straight think had even gotten in my head.. the head that always faced the floor and didn't motivate to speak.

And Hi all my favorite Fornits! <3 You all will never know how you helped me change my life and what you mean to me. Words just aren't enough.


Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: November 11, 2009, 08:59:14 PM »
You all had me convinced! I was always like, how can they just go along?! I never got it. Then staff would say to me... If you really were normal w/o a drug problem, you would just go through the program easily and accept it as a great learning experience... And since you can't conform, you must really need to be here...

LOL, You all fooled me =( And I thought I must be a complete failure since I couldn't just conform like all the "normal" people in there.

ps: I admit though, I was secretly glad to see the people who did run get put back into group.. Because... I knew there were people out there in those blue chairs who knew what I knew. It was like finally a validation.. and there were people "on my side" who were in there with me.

I don't know how to explain that easily, but it made me feel safer knowing people who ran were back in there with me. It made me feel protected somehow, it let me hold on to some of my sanity. Cop outs were so naughtily hawt ;p

Hah, Cop outs are still hawt <3

Man, I wanted to run.. I just never did. It that way, I had given up, and facts were.. I had no idea where I was or how to get near home.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Groupthink psychology
« on: October 20, 2009, 07:18:30 PM »
Dragonfly! hey =)

Good to see you're hanging in there. Me too, just college is really odd. First off it's a lot of work, and second the whole social portion is difficult for me. I am not shy or anything, but it is hard for me to know what is appropriate behavior for the whole college scene. Pirate talks about this a lot.. It is like our social skills were stripped away or distorted in some way..And now I am faced with it in public everyday. It wouldn't be so bad "if I didn't care what those people thought..." But I must care,  some of "those people" grade my papers and exams ;p ( I am not saying I like or agree with this "keeping up an image thing".. but I don't have a choice right now)

As for the other part of this thread... I do not publicly self disclose my life's traumas...but, I am finding myself trying to encourage classmates (who are very outspoken)to be careful with their own self disclosure... which seems odd to me.  I am not sure which is socially acceptable... talking openly or being protective about disclosing personal traumatic events. Ugh, now I am just confusing myself.. sigh. LOL

**I guess for now I just have to  {{ keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I have to do to get where I am going... While maintaining the relationships which serve me best.}} (That has been my mantra to keep my focus and motivation up for the last 2 yrs or so)


Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Groupthink psychology
« on: October 16, 2009, 10:17:53 AM »
It's not a problem, he can say what he wants in this thread too. Maybe, he does not realize who I am or what my experience was. It was so horrifying in Straight being a mis-behaver and not understanding why almost everyone around me was going along with the abuse. It was like trying to wake up from a nightmare everyday. I could not conform and in a lot of ways that was much worse ,for me, than pretending or conforming. Maybe he doesn't realize that because of that, I was not only emotionally but also physically abused on a daily basis. I harbor pure hate for all thought reform, in all it's forms. My parents were asked to withdraw me for a reason, and it must have been because it worried Straight that I lasted so long w/o participating. It certainly wasn't because .... > I was beyond reach...< because once I got out of that place.. I was fine.. except for the post traumatic issues I have from the experience.

He will never convince me that any program out there is helpful at all. If you remember last semester I wrote an 11 page paper for English about the horrors of thought reform programs. I did plenty of research then. He will never convince me that sending a child to any program can in fact nurture a parent-child relationship in a way that is beneficial to both parent and child. Straight has destroyed my whole family... It is amazing to even see how it lingers in the way my sister distorts and controls the reality of her children.. One of which is 20 yrs old, goes to college, has never drank or tried smoking anything... and still has never been allowed to leave the county. Its pretty sick how Straight screwed up my whole family forever.

So say what you want, but don't bother saying any of it for my "benefit"... because I will have already realized you too are still caught up in the "wash"... just like my twisted family. Sad, really... sad. People that still advocate for programs are nothing more than proof that their brand of brainwashing works... not that it is safe or beneficial.

Blah, blah.. I rambled.. time for coffee and see who I ticked off by talking about my experience as a non conformist.. LOL.. Whatever =)

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Groupthink psychology
« on: October 15, 2009, 12:32:56 PM »
Oh look! It's working ;p

Woof- Thank you =) I like your sincerity... A tough accomplishment over the internet. In the example I told earlier about the other girl in my class disclosing the personal trauma.. I was shocked at myself for saying to her that she shouldn't tell that kind of thing in a public setting.. I am not sure why I responded to her that way. Maybe because I see now how information like that can be used to further the needs of others.. I mean, I see how it gives other people power over you and I didn't want her to allow that to happen. But I am not sure why I even cared..

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Groupthink psychology
« on: October 13, 2009, 08:02:45 PM »
Thanks you guys =)

I know I don't come often and engage in the drama much anymore, but it means an awful lot to know you all are still here. Going to school is tough, first I'm a lot older than most of my class mates and second I expect a great deal more from myself then the kids fresh out of school do of themselves. I am slowly learning to identify my self as my current self and not identify as my victim of abuse self. Just that realization alone has brought me far from the depths of hell many of you know I found my head in most days.

The one thing that is still hard, is not telling too much. The full disclosure rule still haunts my thoughts and conversations. Even though I didn't talk in group hardly at all, I still feel like I have a WHOLE story to tell when someone asks about my life or   asks just "Hey, how's it going?" When people ask how I am, I instantly think.. do you want the long version or the complementary .." im ok.." I never know what people expect in conversation. For instance, the other day me and a classmate were debating sociology and social-conflict .. you know,>> does every American actually have the same potential and opportunities, especially between racial boundaries.. And she started to say.. "Hey! I got myself to school after being raped ..etc.. so anyone should have the same motivation as me!" I surprised myself and responded.. "Shhh, you don't have to tell that about yourself..." ~~~Ok, so my point is, where is the normative boundary of the general population's comfort zone when hearing about violence and obscene abuse? Like, when is it appropriate and not,  to just blurt out personal information about your own life? I have a hard time knowing where this boundary is, because I typically tend to just talk about all the horrific abuses I have been through as if I were talking about a shopping trip.. but sometimes people just look at me stunned.. and I am not sure how to interpret that....So, I am learning to not say too much. Is that right or is it a denial of the true self?

Any thoughts on that?

^.~ Look! I signed in.. I'm not an imposture =)

Beh! You know you feel cradled and soothed! Admit it! ;p

That didn't need to imply intimacy.. silly. I am also cradled and soothed by the voice of Joanne Shenandoah, in much the same way. She sings the reality of the native people of this country. Her song, "Tonight, I wear Black".... really touches that distant part of myself that embraces the eternal pain.

And I also like to read Dragonfly's posts too =) I haven't seen any in awhile though. Maybe, I just don't pop in enough.

It is nice to come here and read what you write. I keep waiting for the book. I am not sure why, but your words cradle and soothe me. I guess it is some kind of validation that I feel when you write about how you experience things. I can't help but picture you coming back to group with your black hair and looking so rebellious. You validated me even then, I knew that you knew that place was fucked up.. I always wished I could run away like that, but they never let go of my belt loop...I envied you.

I know you felt striped away, but your strong spirit shone through. Those of us with true eyes could see it. Even through all the angry writing, it was never gone. Remember how I use to post my spirit was lost? I found it, it never left.. It was exactly where I left it... =) Thank you for reminding me where I left it. I may have never gone to college.. (dam that made a starry eyed-Withdraw **Tears). You and the expression of your struggle has made an impact in my life, forever. I am sure you impact many people the same way. Pirate, I am proud to say that you are my friend.

The power they worked so hard to keep... was just that.. They needed us to believe we had been stripped away, somehow lost forever.. If we had nothing left but the group...Then the group is what we needed to identify self.

I posted awhile back about finally being able to identify myself through my present abilities and accomplishments, and not all the terrible things that were done to me.. That is what I meant, I found my real self... the child-self who isn't all bogged down with the psychological noise of control dramas... and tragedy. That noise has faded.

Learning to function socially is slowly coming along. I have to be very careful about fully disclosing my personal life...I am learning that it is not always appropriate in public. I have to pretty conscience during any conversations with non-close friends.. I tend to say way too much. It is amazing, how stunned people are when you talk about family and institutional abuse like you would talk about anything mainstream and socially normal....

Today I received an invitation from the college to apply to their scholarly program because of my 4.0 GPA. I cried. I can't believe how far I have come from that stripped away, shell of that straightimposed Hell. A livable amount of healing is possible, forgetting and forgiving is not.


The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: marijuana consciousness
« on: June 10, 2009, 10:58:19 PM »
Enforcing abstinence kills the creativity of the free thinker. What was once enforced to curb immigration, now controls the population. In my line of work, it is risky business to partake at all. So I just don't, to protect a future where I will have more freedom to do as I wish. I am forced to conform for the first time in my life and it does keep a familiar spark in my being from burning to brightly..The spark that encourages me to "color outside the lines".

Enforcing abstinence is another systematic way to keep that creative, righteous flame from burning in too many people within the population. Those in control live in fear of creativity, freedom and truth, it's pretty sad really.


Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Program songs
« on: June 10, 2009, 10:30:58 PM »
We did this a couple years ago too.. some eerie memories are attached to those songs. And it always reminds me of being restrained on the floor (as if that wasn't every day).... I was the only misbehaver that didn't know any rock songs to try and yell out between the giant disgusting hand covering my mouth......

Anyhow here goes:

You are my Sunshine
Country Roads
Straight is it
Row, Row, Row, your boat
take me out to the ball game
We don't have a barrel of money, we may look ragged and funny.. just going along singing my song.. (something)
Gilligan's Island
(and several TV songs)
Hey Look me over, lend me a hand...(or  something)
Crocodile rock
Time in a Bottle

That's all I got for now


PS: I got an A + bonus points on my paper for English about Programs like Straight. Now Human Anatomy and physiology is grr... tough! But, I finally feel like I am able to identify myself through my present self and abilities.... instead of all the horrible things I had been through over my life.

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