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Messages - Withdraw

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The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: Where did "the game" come from ?
« on: February 02, 2011, 08:16:02 PM »

Yes, you are right. Asch was the line guy and the conformity/peer pressure (sorta) experiment. I think of all those group conformity experiments as the same. Sorry =) It has been a couple years, lol.

The Gatekeeper,

I get it, Straight "raps" were just as aggressive and confrontational. But, conformity was not an absolute result. This is where I get myself into trouble...

So, instead of getting off topic.. I edited.

Thanks =)

The Troubled Teen Industry / Re: Where did "the game" come from ?
« on: February 02, 2011, 05:00:10 PM »
Ok, catching up on some fornits reading here...

Is there an ~expected outcome to the Game? What is the "normal" response when put in that situation? I want to know how many people just did not respond and was that  considered some kind of emotional defect?

I certainly get myself into trouble when I start asking these questions, but that's ok.. IDC. In my mind, we are all equals here and had equality in our experiences no matter when, how long or where we were placed.

In sociology, I really had to think about the Asch and Zimbardo experiments when we talked about them in class. I knew that likely the rest of the students could not even begin to understand how that sort of thing happens and works.. but I did. I had lived it. And it just brought up so much for me about how would I have responded in those specific situations. Maybe I would have taken on a guard role or maybe I would have shocked the "patient". I just didn't know. I would like to think that I would have refused to participate, no matter the consequences.

And it's interesting that you brought this point up Pirate, because I can see where I may have super imposed this "Game" in my life since Straight. After Straight, even I demanded complete honesty from everyone... lies of omission were punishable (by me) and never cooperatively discussed.  I can say that I don't think I have done that in a very long time though.. I don't need total honesty and I don't give it either. There are some things that some people just don't need to know about my life...maybe that is what has changed in me and led me to college.

So, in the Synanon or the Seed or any place.. what happened to the people who refused to "play the game"? And where are these people? What kind of emotional situations have they found themselves in since then? Where are the people who didn't even both to try and run away, but just waited it one would wait out a hurricane...

Haha! Posts this long, always get me into trouble ^.~ be gentle..

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Tonight's Interview about Straight
« on: February 01, 2011, 08:45:19 PM »
Wow, I came across this on this most recent now and then visit...

Thank you for doing this. You really hit some important points about the long term effects and reasons why it has not been condemned publicly. I hope I can find a way to help get this message out (in the health care arena) when I have some recognized validity as a RN. Next summer I will be finished with school, amazing. It took me 20 yrs to get it together enough to do what most 18 yr olds get to do right out of high school. Some days it just profoundly slams me in the face just how many years Straight took away and that is time I will never get back.

One thing that is a sort of positive twist on my experience of abuse... I adamantly advocate for patient's rights to dignified, quality care.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Straight Survivors who live near D.C.
« on: November 19, 2010, 05:27:48 PM »
Could someone PM me with some way to contact anyone meeting up =/ I need to know where and when kinda thing

I got out of the loop due to school/work and missed my window for calling the only person I know...

Thanks =)

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Straight Survivors who live near D.C.
« on: November 10, 2010, 05:40:13 PM »
Thank you all =)

I am seriously considering going.
I have to work out the logistics now. Money is pretty tight with going to school full time =(
I will figure it out though =)

And I will talk to him again sometime this week likely, and let him know. He said he hasn't had a computer for awhile, so a PM may take awhile to get to him if he has to go somewhere to check them. I wish I could figure out a way to get him a laptop or something, I would hate not having my computer, LOL. I mean.... I need it for school, but ya know.. Gamers NEED their computers daily! <3

Besides dealing with the obvious parts of PTSD and other psychological/psychosocial effects.. One that really bothers me is the weird sense that I am not like other people. Dragonfly called it the plastic core feeling, and that is a good description. I don't act or respond like most people around me. I ALWAYS say too much, like I can not stop myself from spilling out the ENTIRE TRUTH... and I can NEVER lie or be DISHONEST about anything. This really bothers me in school, because I must look like some kind of enigma. Even though I didn't participate, it got to me. I was ~washed. I am still looking for that self that I was before Straight, I hope she isn't completely lost.

I have a host of physical issues too, most can be traced back to Straight in some way. Some are/have been serious and with lasting/life altering effects. Straight stole and continues to steal much of my life in many, many ways.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Straight Survivors who live near D.C.
« on: November 10, 2010, 03:08:27 PM »
Hey you all =)

Pirate called me and let me know about this. WoW! What an amazing opportunity!

I am debating on coming. On one hand I think I could offer a little different perspective.. since I spent my time sitting on my hands or restrained on the floor. On the other hand.. many of you remember how tough it was for me when I first found this board to come to terms with what had occurred and how it destroyed my life. Looking back, I was pretty damn angry. It has taken me a lot of years to get to where I am with going to college and really picking up the pieces. I told Pirate that what scared me the most about coming is - loosing myself in all that torment again. Geesh, just writing this.. I am getting teary.. I haven't cried in a long time about Straight..Sigh.

Is anyone else willing to let me know if they too had / have this experience and how they have made the choice to go or not to go?

So, anyhow. I will decide by this weekend if the risk is worth the reward for me. I am in a very stressful semester (1st nursing semester) and really need to remain focused. Can I just let Pirate know what my plans are and he can let you know? Or should I PM you or what is best? I would likely plan to get a hotel room and spend the night.

PS - College news! My 3rd exam, of 5, was today! And I think I did fine =) Just a few more weeks for this semester.. Yay! I have been working with my own patient doing physical assessments, nursing diagnosis, charting, etc.. And the longer I work with her.. the more I realize it isn't about what I am doing for my patient.. as much as it is about what my patient is doing for me. It is really an amazing process!

I actually was able to write a thoughtful email to him without being too angry. I promise, I did not attack.. as you all know is hard for me.

I hope more staff are able to post thoughtful posts, so we can maybe learn something.

I don't come here often, finding this post was nice; Since he was on staff during my time.

Thanks R.M.

ps: college is good. Grades are great. I have a great feeling of accomplishment. All my pre-reqs are finished and start the RN program this week. Just 4 semesters to go! I am so happy =) It sure is nice to be able to identify myself as a Nursing student and not just an abused person anymore =)

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Rolling my own....
« on: January 18, 2010, 12:34:48 AM » ... -than-ever

read everything you can....make an informed choice...This is but one article.. I'm too tired to look for more atm

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Rolling my own....
« on: January 18, 2010, 12:20:40 AM »
SO, if your cigarettes have FSC over the bar code, they are laced with the EVA (Carpet glue)....It is poison, not just an inconvenience.... just one Quote from a Harvard study...:
"The Harvard School of Health reported that when comparing NY Cigarettes (FSC) versus Regular Cigarettes, the FSC cigarettes produced 13.9% more Naphthalene and 11.4% more carbon monoxide than regular cigarettes. Naphthalene is commonly found in moth balls, and exposure in high amounts can result in headache, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, malaise, confusion, anemia, jaundice, convulsions, and coma. Therefore, it has been proven that FSC cigarettes contain higher levels of chemicals that are harmful to smokers.

I bought the light tops tubes with filters and an 8.99 tube packing machine thingie.. and a pack of Natural American Spirit tobacco. The tubes were 3.99, the pouch of tobacco was 6.99 (makes about 2 packs worth of smokes). I am sure it is cheaper to buy the can of tobacco and of course there are much less expensive tobacco.

Ok, been doing this for about 3 days and I feel a lot better. It is actually noticeable. I worked a full shift and at no point did I think I would die from shortness of breath or leg/back pain.. I haven't had sinus issues or a headache since Friday. I am completely done with those FSC poison sticks.

And it is sort of nice to make them myself,makes smoking them more satisfying in a way...

I am serious guys, start reading the information.. this FSC stuff is bad, bad news...

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Rolling my own....
« on: January 16, 2010, 01:23:27 AM »
A few weeks ago, I couldn't believe it when I checked the Natural American Spirit cigarettes and found they too contain the new FSC carpet glue additive! it's a law now that ALL  ( in most states) cigarettes must have the chemical in them... BUT, the law only mandates pre-rolled ones....

So, earlier I purchased a packet of Natural American Spirit tobacco and the rolling machine and the Top cigarette tubes and OMG, what a fine tasting smoke.. LOL. No more weird chemical taste and my headache is already going away. The new FSC additive is causing a lot of sudden and severe health issues. Since the FSC stuff started, I have been to the Doctor 3 times and the ER once... for all things that could be contributed to poisoning from Ethylene Vinyl Acetate. (The new additive chemical in all cigarettes). I'm betting there will be a class action suit happening soon for all the problems it is causing people. It is a dangerous chemical which should never be burned and inhaled. I have no idea what made anyone in the government think this was OK to add to cigarettes. And the way they just slid it in without warning the public is the part that makes me really angry. I can't decide it it is a conspiracy to make people quit smoking or make smokers die quicker... All I know is, I will never put a FSC cigarette to my mouth again.

For you who do smoke, please go read about this new additive in FSC cigarettes.. Please, for your health and the health of those around you. I mean, I know smoking is very bad and unhealthy.. but NOW it is way worse than it ever was before. Our livers can not process this chemical and it is poisoning us.. fairly quickly. Even the Natural American Spirit cigarettes have this chemical in it, its a law....for all pre-rolled cigarettes... So roll your own, its easy, cheaper and chemical free.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Rolling my own....
« on: January 15, 2010, 07:48:33 PM »
Well, Yes.. like some of you.. I also smoke cigarettes. Since the new FSC cigarettes came to Md. I have been quite ill. Symtoms like.. extreme fatigue, soar throat, suddenly coughing, sneezing, weird taste in my mouth, SEVERE headaches, body aches.. geesh the list goes on and on. So, today I started reading about this FSC stuff they started putting in the cigarettes, and low and behold It is an additive that is the same as carpet glue.. Now I don't know about you, but I wouldn't choose to be inhaling burnt carpet glue...And the symptoms that other people are experiencing match my own... SO>..

I went and did it.. I stood in the tobacco store and purchased all the stuff I need to roll my own until I quit once again. And the difference is amazing. So, if you smoke.. and are not ready to quit. Try rolling your own, the difference is incredible.

And if you are interested in the information about FSC additive, look it up.. and watch the youtube videos about it.. it is just amazing what the government does to us without us even realizing it!

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: December 14, 2009, 08:51:03 PM »
Shaggys, (and whoever is following this drama ;p )

Ok, lets clear the air between us. I came here some years ago just by chance...and was shell shocked! The people who were here then could probably tell you, especially Ginger. I had/have so many questions, because seriously I really believed all that time that I was just a failure for not being able to conform and advance in the program. Yea, I knew I refused because somewhere inside me I knew it was fucked up and wrong.. But remember the staff and most of the phasers kept telling me "if you are actually ~normal~ you would just comply and get out".. But I couldn't.. there were times when I wanted to, but it just wouldn't happen. I found it very difficult to lie or "fake" it.. so I sat there, and sat there..It was sadly pathetic. I dreamed of a revolt based, knowing the place was bizarre, but of course that never happened... so I sat there..My program was fairly brutal, physically. I was restrained just about everyday for nothing.. except protecting my personal self when they tried to force motivate my hands. And you better believe it, I have a lot of feelings about those people who tried to physically motivate me or that restrained me.. feelings that I just can not process. I have the toughest time letting those specific people "off the hook." The people here can tell you though, I have the hardest times letting staff who come here "off the hook." Sorry, I still have very intense emotions about the people who personally abused me in Straight. I will evolve and get better at forgiving and understanding.. but for now, this is where I am at.

When I ask how, I mean actually HOW.. How do people fake it? And when I ask WHY, it isn't that I expect some answer, because I already know the answer. (knowing some of the dynamics of psychology) But, I can't stop asking it, because it is something I have no personal concept of. Therefore I have no avenue in my brain for it to fit and feel good.

I don't ~Blame the phasers..I blame the program and programming, but you must understand it is information I can not fully process and feel resolved. There are "phasers" I truly care for deeply. My last oldcommer and her Mom,  for instance. I would not want to verbally hurt these people, so I try really hard to stay away from the subject. But if it is complete absolution you want from me, you are looking in the wrong place. It is something I can not allow, because to do so would force me to internalize something I can not process and feel resolved about. There seems to be a fine line between victim and perpetrator, when it comes to Straight Inc. It is so shameful they did this to us, pitting us against each other. I realize we were just kids. I realize there were adults in control and they are most to blame.

And I am not perfect, there are going to be times when I don't fully think things out before I write them and things will come out wrong or more blunt than I actually feel. I know my experience was different than most of yours, but it is just as valuable. I know my posting here provokes conversation about who is to blame, because there are times when I can only think of the actual people who spit in my face everyday, and those people were phasers! But, that doesn't mean I hate phasers or hold them 100% accountable for doing it. I come here to learn from you all, so that I can learn to understand and forgive where it is due. And honestly, there are staff and phasers I doubt I will ever forgive. As I am sure everyone of us feels at one time or another. I mean, wouldn't you like to pull that Dr.s toenails out someday?? ;p Even though it was the program who made him not use numbing medications.......It is hard to see who is truly accountable, especially in moments of raw emotion.

So, please don't respond so sensitively to me. I know my experience brings about difficult questions, but remember your experience brings about difficult questions for me too. And that little girl in me is gonna show herself and wanna know the how and why...on occasion. It is just something that part of me can not grasp, consistently. I am sorry for that, she is still hurting....As I am sure your child self is too.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: Becoming a Straight Robot
« on: December 12, 2009, 10:33:53 PM »
Um, just for the record.. the Anon post by What?? Was not me, I haven't been here in days.. been busy with finals, the ACT and a close friend died after a DWI... service was today.

So, anyhow.. that wasn't me.

The Mods could verify that.

Also, for the record.. I refuse to engage in this topic. If you began it, to try to provoke me, I am choosing not to participate.

Be well. and Get well.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Re: How you couldn't really "fake it"
« on: December 12, 2009, 10:22:51 PM »
I can not believe I am even explaining this....

The statement "You all fooled me" has been misunderstood and taken out of context! You all did fool me! And that means, all that time I spent sitting there.. I thought you all were working the program and believed in it... I thought I was the one who was the "most" fucked up because I couldn't work it. I couldn't conform and I didn't know exactly why then. You all fooled me because I thought you guys believed in what you were doing! I was fooled, because now you all come here and say how you were just faking it... or working the program because that is how you knew to get out. WTF guys?? I was fooled, so dam what.

And yes, it was the people who got brought back to group who validated my thoughts, even if it was just a little. It was them who kept me believing that there were other people in that building who didn't believe in Straight. I envied them so much. They still had enough belief in themselves to bother fighting... Something I had lost and didn't know why.

And for the people who think that I think I am self righteous...I don't. I think I was dam lucky to have gotten out the way I did. And 6 months as a misbehavior was no fucking picnic! I didn't even know any fucking rock songs to scream out while being restrained... I was so weird in there.. I didn't even "fit" in with the majority of the gawd dam misbehaviors. I was the uncoolest person in that whole fucking place. I had given completely up. I sat there in my marshmallow sweater day in and day out, getting stood up several times a day and spat on by the kids around me. What a great 6 months that was! I couldn't fake it and I didn't know why. I was fucking broken!I was almost catatonic. WTF do I have to come here and defend myself to you all for? I was there, I was abused and gawd dam it.. let me have my own reality too. I let you have yours and empathize when I can and ask questions when I need to. Yep, my torture was different that many of yours... but it was just as fucking real. And it was just as traumatic. While many of you all got to go to school... or use the phone.. I got to lay on that fucking floor everyday with some 5 girls sitting on me and their nasty filthy hands in my mouth.. Oh yea! it was a fucking holiday!... Gimme a break.

Do you have any idea what it was like to come home and my parents hated me ( and do to this day!) because they didn't get to be an oldcommer home? They had the fucked up kid who couldn't even work the program and graduate... They wanted to fit in with the rest of the parents and still do! They still talk to those straight parents and still feel like I let them down... Do you really even have any idea what that was like? Wow. You know my non conforming had it's own special set of repercussions.. things not many of you could even understand. Do I hate you because you got the parental approval that I missed out on? No, I care for you all because I know we are individuals with individual experiences. I care for you who I never knew, because we share a common tragedy.. I fucking care for your experience even if it was different than my own. I ask questions because I do not understand the dynamic of your program and conformity.. a dynamic I wished for so long I could master.. but I couldn't because I was more broken than any of you. I was more worthless and more fucked up mentally then the rest of you. That is what I think.. And if you think that is mother Theresa .. you are sadly mistaken. It has been fucking miserable. It is only recently that I can even move forward, just a little. And it is a gawd dam struggle each and every day. So, think what you want.. but at least get the facts before you go on about what kind of person I must be.. You, have no idea.

So, how and why did you fake it? Because I couldn't and never understood the how or why of it.... Tell me the great secret? Because I failed at it miserably. And my parents still think I am a failure because I couldn't even make it through Straight. Heh, while you think that I think of myself as better than you.. I actually think that I was more of a failure than you. You just have no idea what I went through and still go through today because of that hell hole.

And yep, it is your insistence that makes me wonder what you actually feel about what you did while you were in there... because you wouldn't go on and on if you felt so great about it. And YES, that is a feeling that I never have to feel. And YEP, I sure am glad about that now. Does that make me bad? I don't think it does, it makes me grateful, because today.. I know I did the right thing for my personal self. I have very few apologies to make to anyone in that place, and for that YEP.. I am thankful for. So what!

And by the way, Pirate takes up for me a little because he watched me sit in that blue chair in my marshmallow sweater and get screamed at and spit on daily.. He remembers a little of what I endured.. and it was no fucking fun time for me. I was broken, completely. They beat down me everyday. It was a consistent event to stand me up in almost every rap... just to spit on me.. What a grand thing it is to remember that about my little girl self.. What a fine time I had in there... My six months was sure a long fucking time. I lived everyone of those days on suicide watch and consequences...So my nights were barely better than my days in the building.

We don't all have to agree, and I am glad we all have a different story to tell. That is what makes this a worthwhile site to even visit on occasion. Do you really want a bunch of people posting here, all telling the same story over and over? Let's hope not.

ps, Yep I am a little irritated.. that I even felt compelled to come and type this all out.. and if it makes people mad.. GREAT! Oh and so what...
Grow up and realize that not everyone is the same. I do, and I ask questions when I don't understand. I really try not to attack people or invalidate their experience. Even if it might seem like it, that is not my intention. I just have a lot of questions, because my experience was quite different.. apparently.

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