16
Daytop Village / Disbelief
« on: June 05, 2010, 12:50:00 AM »
I was only there 6 months. I left there feeling terrible. I could not believe what I had witnessed. I couldn t believe that I had spent time occupying the same space as these people.
I could not believe how full of shit the counselors were. I could not believe how parents bought into it. It's all in the name of a cause. It amazed me how taken people could be with it all.
I could not believe how easily most of the kids were crushed and sold out. I could not believe the way they went after one another, and attacked each other, just as they had been attacked.
the whole thing... time after time, I watched people break.. I could not believe how weak they were.. how easily broken...
I would walk and look at the people in the hall who had been there for awhile. They had no life in their eyes. They had all the right things to say, and functioned perfectly, in the program environment, but they were dead inside, and did not even pretend otherwise.
They were their death proudly. I watched brave people turned timid, and smart people turn dumb.
I wanted my freedom back so badly. I feared that someday, they may break me. How long could I hold on?
Towards the end of my 6 months stay, something happened that I never would have believed possible. I started seriously considering. I could not let these people have me.. I would not become one of them..
That was a low point in my life.. I could not believe that I was considering suicide. How did all this happen so fast?
I was there 6 moths. I should have been "Expediter" or at least, " strength", but I had not even made out of "inductions", to be a full-fledged general worker.
It looked like I would be there forever.
One of the guys there, could see in more, that I was losing it. I was having trouble holding it together inside, so he figured he would make a score for himself, and said," Paul you have guilt. We both know it."
This was the first time, I ever dropped guilt, without being forced. Most of the kids dropped it every single day. I never did. I use to say that I would feel guilty about claiming to be guilty about things that I am not.
He saw ripe for the picking. I said, " you know what.. i m gonna hook you up man.. I got a ton of guilt. "
They probably got a dozen sentences out of me in 6 months of my staying there, guiltwise.
That day, I gave the aspiring coordinator 3 pages of guilt, and my last line was, " IF I am not out of here within a week, I will plunge a knofe through my chest."
i wasn t the type to fuck around, and they took me seriously. They sent me to the one actual psychologist in the entire building, and she determined that I was not fucking around. I was losing it.
See, it was staring to look all to easy to give in, and every so often, I would fantasize about it, and that scared the shit out of me. the way that I thought back then, was that I would be better off dead, then to be one of them.
I was out in 2 days. I may have told some of this here b4. I am not sure.
Paul St. John
PS I wasn t perfect but I didn t deserve this and neither did any of those other kids.
I could not believe how full of shit the counselors were. I could not believe how parents bought into it. It's all in the name of a cause. It amazed me how taken people could be with it all.
I could not believe how easily most of the kids were crushed and sold out. I could not believe the way they went after one another, and attacked each other, just as they had been attacked.
the whole thing... time after time, I watched people break.. I could not believe how weak they were.. how easily broken...
I would walk and look at the people in the hall who had been there for awhile. They had no life in their eyes. They had all the right things to say, and functioned perfectly, in the program environment, but they were dead inside, and did not even pretend otherwise.
They were their death proudly. I watched brave people turned timid, and smart people turn dumb.
I wanted my freedom back so badly. I feared that someday, they may break me. How long could I hold on?
Towards the end of my 6 months stay, something happened that I never would have believed possible. I started seriously considering. I could not let these people have me.. I would not become one of them..
That was a low point in my life.. I could not believe that I was considering suicide. How did all this happen so fast?
I was there 6 moths. I should have been "Expediter" or at least, " strength", but I had not even made out of "inductions", to be a full-fledged general worker.
It looked like I would be there forever.
One of the guys there, could see in more, that I was losing it. I was having trouble holding it together inside, so he figured he would make a score for himself, and said," Paul you have guilt. We both know it."
This was the first time, I ever dropped guilt, without being forced. Most of the kids dropped it every single day. I never did. I use to say that I would feel guilty about claiming to be guilty about things that I am not.
He saw ripe for the picking. I said, " you know what.. i m gonna hook you up man.. I got a ton of guilt. "
They probably got a dozen sentences out of me in 6 months of my staying there, guiltwise.
That day, I gave the aspiring coordinator 3 pages of guilt, and my last line was, " IF I am not out of here within a week, I will plunge a knofe through my chest."
i wasn t the type to fuck around, and they took me seriously. They sent me to the one actual psychologist in the entire building, and she determined that I was not fucking around. I was losing it.
See, it was staring to look all to easy to give in, and every so often, I would fantasize about it, and that scared the shit out of me. the way that I thought back then, was that I would be better off dead, then to be one of them.
I was out in 2 days. I may have told some of this here b4. I am not sure.
Paul St. John
PS I wasn t perfect but I didn t deserve this and neither did any of those other kids.