On 2002-01-31 13:35:00, misbehaver wrote:
I reached a point that I not only targeted certain individuals, I took pleasure in the actual exchange of injuries. That's the kinda stuff I have difficulty taking resposiblity for.
Believe me, I know what you're saying. I didn't do a whole lot of physical violence on anyone. There's only one time I remember hitting someone. It was self defense, but it was political; had nothing do do with the girl that I hid.
I'd come back from splitting, been marathoned for some hours; I like to think it was around 4 for some reason but I realy don't remember. I didn't hit back when I was 1 against 4 or so. That would just be dumb. I didn't even yell back. I knew were spending valuable moral the longer they didn't get a rise out of me.
Afterward, excercise rap. I had a bad case of bronchitis and asthma. I complied with walking, that was reasonable. But trying to run brought on severe coughing and choking fits. But they wouldn't quit pushing and staff was pulling people aside and telling them to push me harder. So, at some point, I decided brinksmanship was in order and decided to sucker punch the next bitch who dug her nails into my back. (Remember, girls, long nails were a sign of 'doing good' because picking or biting them was avoidance?)
Well, the next girl was Kim, who'd never hurt anyone that I remember. And she wasn't really putting much entheusiasm behind the harrasment; she'd just come up behind me and it was her turn. But I'd made up my mind. Mainly because I really hated the last girl who'd poked me in the back till I almost fell over. She really was a snotty bitch. That and the fact that I really couldn't take much more.
My dad was an old WWII vet and lifetime evangelical NRA member. He taught me to seriously consider at what point violence really was in order and to understand that that was a point of no return. Well this was it. So poor Kim comes up behind me and does her part to keep staff from dunning her for 'being weak with me' and 'not showing enough love for' me. I gave her a roundhouse that put her on the floor. I didn't even know who she was till it was too late to pull back.
Nothing happened that I can remember. I remember walking around the far side of the big group room and seeing all these people hovering over her. [To: any lurkers unfamiliar with Program culture, Yeah they kept running and I kept walking. Staff hadn't told anyone to quit, had they?] I was braced for a serious takedown but none came. Not a word was ever said to me that I remember. But then, there's about a year that I don't remember.
That was the only time I ever remember striking out violently. But I did my share of the psyche crime to avoide it. I tried my best to mitigate without taking any risk. I was saving that up. I never broke a rule until I started planning to split. I saved/stle lunch money and got up an hour early on the pretense of studying to knock down a couple of cups of hi intensity Folgers Crystals solution to try and lose some wieght (ugly girls should
never hitchhike!).
That means that I acted as a spy and a CO and a snitch and a mindfucker for all the time I was angling for the door. I have so much more respect and affection for whoever it was who broke my nose than for all those who helped break my mind. The bitch of the whole thing is that I can't remember who's who and they're probably the same people.
BTW, I didn't answer right the last time. Just wasn't focused, I guess. It doesn't matter what I think, does it? But that's the best expression that came to me for what I was trying to say.
Wrong? How can you be wrong? This is your business. Whatever you decide is, by definition, right. Isn't it?