Fornits
Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform => Straight, Inc. and Derivatives => Topic started by: Anonymous on April 29, 2003, 04:34:00 PM
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Do any of you feel like you are trapped forever young? In your thirties and cry with the sadness and confusion of a lost child at times? I had become this way after Straight. I was 17 coming out, and back then it was bad enough, but to have it haunting me almost 20 years later if discouraging and tiring.
What about the temperament of a child, or being able to be hurt or upset very easily? It's really debilitating for me. Not growing up mentally is both humiliating and embarrassing.
Relationships are especially difficult at times. This can be a very lonely place.
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Straight became your family and what you learned was like coming from an abusive family. Read Alice Millers' Thou shalt not be Aware, or Drama of the Gifted Child. It will help you deal with the feelings.
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Do any of you feel like you are trapped forever young?
Yes. You're not the only one. I tend to "go off" less now that I don't drink around my family as much...I'm 37 and sometimes feel like I'm 18. (my age when I graduated)
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My experience with that was until I was in my late thirties, I didn't see myself as a man. I still thought, and felt like a high school kid. It's really weird. I don't know how else I can explain it.
Don
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Since adolescence I have wondered why so many people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly the fact that some are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge to hurt is not a universal aspect of human nature. So why do some tend to solve their problems by violence while others don't?
Philosophy failed to answer my question and the Freudian theory of the death instinct has never convinced me. Nor could I make sense of genetic explanations of the evil, of the naive idea that a human being can be "born bad." Nobody could answer the crucial question: How is it that so many turn-of-the-century German children were born with such malignant genes that they'd later become Hitler's willing executioners? It has always been inconceivable to me that a child who comes into the world among attentive, loving and protective caregivers could become a monster. Then, by closely examining the childhood histories of murderers, especially mass murderers and dictators, I began to comprehend the roots of good and evil: not in the genes, as commonly believed, but in the earliest days of life. Today, neurobiological research seems to fully corroborate what I discovered almost twenty years ago.
~Alice miller
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For survivors of sexual and physical trauma and abuse, intensive psychotherapy is used for the stabilization of depression, anxiety and addictions. A primary focus is placed on the identification and resolution of the cycles of self-destructive behaviors, dissociation and difficulties in relationships and intimacy. Therapy can also facilitate the resolution of long-term developmental deficits and blocks manifested as personality disorders. Specialized treatment for eating disorders chronic chemical dependency and sexual compulsivity is also suggested.
The following is a list of common problems experienced by individuals struggling with the impact of trauma:
-Uncontrollable recollections, images or spontaneous reliving of aspects of the trauma
-Overwhelming thoughts or feelings
-Rapid mood swings and outbreaks of anger
-Helplessness or irrational feelings manifested in close relationships
-Extreme anxiety or pervasive fear
-Cycles of depression and feelings of shame and self-blame
-Inability to trust self or others
-Feeling fragmented, separated or different from others
-Feeling of unfillable emptiness inside or feeling as if one is an imposter
-Increasingly destructive behaviors to provide a sense of connection or to break the feeling of numbness. These coping behaviors may include:
· Alcohol or drug misuse or abuse
· Self-cutting or intentional infliction of pain to the body
· Involvement in abusive relationships
· Compulsive, self-degrading sexual behavior
· Inhibition of sexual responses
· Eating Disorders
· Stealing or other dangerous activities
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I am 28 and still have a hard time relating to people my age. I am the weird mom who hangs from the monkey bars with my kid.
I went in at 14 and left at 17. Since I did not graduate my mom "would not support me" so I had to find a place to live and get a job. I was so scared. Every skill I have now to survive was learned through a lot of errors and fuck ups. I still get angry about the things I lost and could've done. But I think I always had choices and I chosse the path I went down, no one else did.
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The hardest part for me is being out in public and having that overwhelming feeling of being different than the rest of the world. Isolated. Out of place. I hate looking in the mirror sometimes and seeing a woman growing older and feeling like, "Where have I been?" I go through this mostly with PMS. My 'monthly nightmare' that, thanks to the self hatred Straight taught me, is worse than average, and worsening with age. At least I'm not drinking anymore. That never makes anything better for me.
Morli
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I graduated straight after being in there for over three years. I felt like I was never going to make it out of there. Nothing I wanted more than to go home and be back with my family. After I got out the expectations were way too much for me. I was supposed to be some sort of straight example. I had to write M.I.'s for the 6 months after straight. I know I hold alot of hostility towards straight. Beleive it or not I was going back to college, got in Phi Theta Kappa because of my good grades. Well, to make a long story short, one day my parents caught on that I was smoking pot. They kicked me out of home, I couldn't go to school and support myself, because my family completely cut me off. I decided screw it and for a long time I endeavored in harder drugs like acid trying to escape reality. I am now 39 years old and still my parents act the samwe way towards straight. They have always backed them up 100 percent. My goal is to educate people that families should stick together no matter what. I don't know if this could help anyone, but I sure would like to see other people being happy instead of playing headgames and things. It is truly ashamed that straight had to destroy lives in the process of brainwashing parents. I am very confused now, but I do know that straight messed me up and I felt very alienated after getting out of straight.
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I never got to be a child cuz I had to grow up too fast. I don't know how to be an adult cuz I still feel like a child. Where is there room for lost time? Is there a happy ending?
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I have read this thread several times now, and can't get over how, once again, I am amazed at the fact that an issue that I have been trying to figure out how to deal with is all of a sudden another result of having been in this damn place. I still don't understand this one though, it is one that bothers me pretty frequently though. I have blamed alot of self destructive behavior on this sensation of never having grown up in my mind, thank God for my husband, as he has been instrumental in helping me get some perception on my mental immaturity. He has been a large part of why I want to strive to do better.
There are still times though that I know my reaction to a situation is odd, especially whenI feel insecure about something, and it stems from the immaturity that I feel I have in my head. I feel like maybe it is getting a little better as I get older, but I don't know if that is accurate or not.
How do we ever fix all of these things?Under the benign influence of our republican institutions, and the maintenance of peace with all nations whilst so many of them were engaged in bloody and wasteful wars, the fruits of a just policy were enjoyed in an unrivaled growth of our faculties and resources.
James Madison
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Odd? Mine can be a tad on the odd side. Another thing I seem to do is associate emotional pain and humiliation together. That is such a dangerous combination. The fear of never getting over this drove me to try and commit suicide when I was 23. There were other pressing issues at the time, but still. Going from sadness to shame in an instant is absolute hell. For years, even though I really didn't mean it I have said the words, "I wish I were dead." Then almost immediately retract the statement in my head. Yet somehow I end up saying it again. I have not considered suicide an option since '94 but have continued to feel a hopelessness that is like a defect in my brain, and is. That fearful despair that makes me wonder if I will always be this way. The kind that keeps me from trusting love, or letting myself feel love. Very lonely place indeed. May we all find peace someday.
Morli
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I believe that with a good psychotherapist(especially Freudian) that you can deal with those awful "wanting to die" feelings. Straight didn't help you , and you already had that feeling before you even went in. It starts in childhood. Clarissa Pinkola Estes also has some good books out and some tapes that help. Psychoanalytic therapy is the best investment you will make on your life. You will understand deeply why you do everything you do.
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On 2003-05-05 15:41:00, abreaction wrote:
"Psychoanalytic therapy is the best investment you will make on your life. You will understand deeply why you do everything you do.
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That's only half the battle. I understand it. Doesn't make it stop automaticly though.
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I am very glad this was brought up. I am not an expert on psychology or the "whys" of this phenomenon, but I have been very aware of feeling stuck emotionally at a young age though I haven't been able to fully realize this until you brought this topic up. I feel helpless the way a child does at times, like I need to be handheld through even small tasks or relatively small challenges. For example, I've never operated a forklift in a warehouse, this week my boss comes up to me and asks me about forklifting . My response is one of somewhat irrational fear. I couldn't help it, but I felt like a scared child being asked to do something impossible and responded that way initially. "No, I can't, don't know, haven't... then I said "yet" when I saw that I was reacting weird to a basically harmless inquiry from a boss who seems to esteem me. This is just one of countless irrational responses I've had and they are not proportional to the reality of a given situation.
In other areas of my psyche, I am very informed, self-assured and confident like a healthy man/husband/father etc. that I really am, so I am disturbed to see this tendency within to be abnormally afraid of situations when I "know better". Also, others judge me because they can sometimes see this manifestation of insecurity in me, a subconscious but strong desire to have approval when I am speaking coming through the sometimes high pitched tone in my voice, explaining too much. I think Straight had a role in this development, but I am not devastated by knowing that I was emotionally abused at many phases of my young life by all too human authority figures.
I am personally learning to trust God with all emotional turmoil inside and finding Him gradually removing these painful memories. In so doing, I have found that my "potential self" in Him to be quite wonderful, desirable and even awesome. It is much the opposite of the problems I described above. I find myself asking less unneccessary questions (my mom has always done this-she was emotionally scarred by her own mother growing up-these things seem to get passed on somehow). When I pray to know God better, I end up resembling Him more and He is not insecure in the least. But the spiritual growth that I am describing is a daily process. It requires effort. It doesn't happen all at once, but I can see the difference as I persist and I like that alot.
So, though I have grieved over the realization of childhood abuse and it's effects on me today, I am leading a full life in spite of that. This is why I have always encouraged people here to live a full life, and to overcome the various negatives of our experiences including Straight. We emphatically can and should live free and fulfilling lives despite it all don't you know.
Thank you for bringing up this important topic. I would love to hear more from you if you would care to share more about it.
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Marika,
I also understand what you are saying - just be positive in life and know that those fuckers can never touch you again . . .literally.
When I escaped it was so strange being in public places like restaurants.
I felt like all these people are eating and drinking and they are all looking at me and judging me.
It took along time before I could simply enjoy sitting by myself in a bar or res. and drink/eat and watch a ball game.
Only people who have been through an ordeal like us can understand.
Beer and wine they were drinking with their Italian food - EVIL says Straight.
I can't believe Straight actually wanted everyone to declare that we would never drink alcohol again!
Yea, right. I couldn't even say that when I was 17 - I refused even though the upper phaseres constanly screwed with me.
Sure, I will never drink a beer even if I'm hanging at the lake with my best friends when I'm 100 years old.
Give me a fucking break!
I don't know how we fix things.
That's a big one.
Just be happy, enjoy life and know that there are other people out here who went through the same Hell . . .and that we are there to share out experience and get it off our chest.
Also, that some of us are active in lobbying in States all around the nation against these organizations, in order to SHUT THEM DOWN.
Future generations should not have to live with the memories that we will never foget.
Peace and happiness to you. :grin:
David
M.I.A.
Straight Richardson, Tx. 88/89
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I find myself constantly battling the "Mother May I" syndrome that was programed into me. I have a bad habit of hanging back and waiting to see if it is "okay" with people to do or say certain things. Eventually, I come to realize that a majority of the people I am allowing to have authority over me and my emotions are really just a bunch of fuckin idiots and I get mad at myself and then the Jerk inside me comes out. Right about this time a wonderful thing happens. I piss off and offend the true assholes in my life, and am embraced in spirit by my true friends who are enlightened by my point of view. This has happened in the workplace countless times and never fails to set the tone with people. For example, I would bring my boom box to work on Wednesdays and play CD's from home. If management bothered to drag their pussy-ass carcasses to the return dock and out of their air-conditioned comfort they could be treated to seeing 8 or 9 truck drivers singing "Life is Shit" by the Dead Milkmen at the top of their lungs while filling up dump bins with recyclable newsprint! While some viewed my antics as childish and rebellious, most of them enjoyed the hell out of it. As far as emotions go, their are times that I feel constipated emotionally, so I watch tear-jerker videos in the privacy of my apartment and cry into my popcorn. One of the most emotionally devastating movies to open the floodgates is called "Once Were Warriors." It is a New Zealand film and deals with the trials of a family of the Maori people that are indiginous to New Zealand. This movie is defineatly not for children and has one of the most realistic scenes of spouse abuse I have ever seen. It is pretty damn heavy duty and was showcased of the Independent Film Channel a couple of years ago. All in all, it is good that most of us are aware of these lingering traits left over by the program. We come to realize what is wrong and take steps to correct it.