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Messages - linchpin

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fucking right they knew...I was 12 years old and knew it wasnt right..

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / methadone; nastiest drug on earth
« on: April 18, 2005, 11:22:00 PM »
thanks for info..Im in limbo I cant get below 10 mg ..
heres typical day for me
5 am after night of tossing and turning and nightmares ; I wake in cold sweat with my legs twitching..with a feeling of depression so deep my first waking thought is "wonder if I got enough shit to overdose" then I look at my girlfriend sleeping and realize that isnt an option...
 5:15 dose my little bullshit 10 mg.. get up and curse out loud at god..biting my bottom lip almost till it bleeds clenching my fists.."fuck you god" is my morning prayer..
 6:15 shit starts to cross the blood brain barrier and the chills and leg twitches almost stop
 7:15 another little 2 milligram bump - ok this usually fixes me
  the rest of the day I sit lethargic avoiding phone calls and shit because I dont wanna sound like a whiney suicidal bitch.
  5 pm the sickness creeps up again and I generally fucking try to hold it together for miss linchpin - after all shes had long day and Im a fucking drug addict bum...
 Im happy to have someone here though..
 10 pm she goes to sleep and I come to computer and try to occupy myself sometimes i just sit allnight sometimes I take otc shit ahnd toos and turn ..
 I read my old posts as scars and therion sometimes and dont know who that person is anymore
  what the fuck was i thinking...whos been in my head past 15 years..
 who the fuck am I?
  I basically either feel suicidally depressed or so angry I wanna fucking start shit...or dead inside

 I am a shell of a person..throw in all the straight brainwashing and being beaten by my schizo mother all of my life till I was old enough to split..
  I have a crater in the back of my head from being beat as a baby
  plus i inherited all of the family mental illness and boy is there alot of it.
 I know noone gives a fuck ...I dont expect any of you to like me..all I can say is sorry for all the veiled threats etc..but I have some serious resentment
  Take it as you will ...and I aint ASKING FOR SYMPATHY ...sympathy does jack shit for me.

 Sometimes I feel like Im bound in a spiral going down and Im gonna be another suicide on Fagers list.

 I dont know who I am anymore...and I think "brad ...why bother man, what you wanna clean up and work your ass off in some restaurant till you are 80? never have shit..and you know shes gonna ditch your sorry ass like everyone else."
  Im crazy as a shithouse rat and dont even know who or what to blame.
  Methadone is merely the tip of the iceberg people..
  But seriously Im fucking losing it ...and all I can think about is the train wreck ahead.

 Ok now yall can commense to flaming me ..I dont give a fuck

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / what they did to me
« on: April 17, 2005, 06:31:00 PM »
they took my self esteem ...split my family into 3 factions that all hate me anyway..
  sister still refers to me as druggie brother.
  I suffer from extreme agorophobia..and paranoia with a nice side of violence.
  When I see people looking at me in stores or malls for more than a spilt second I become aggresive and girlfriend has to constantly talk me back to normal.
  "the fuck you looking at" is usually what comes out of my mouth..
 I dont wanna be like this ...but am ..I have fantasies of killing people from my program and myself....constantly..Id say I spend about 3 hours or so a day daydreaming about hunting people down and wrecking them and then blowing my brains out.

  Been in 12 behavioral/psych/drug rehabs....prison...and jails in more places than I can count... I have a record as long as my arm..and its hard for me to get work..
  Relationships and friendships are a struggle ..I cant trust anyone...Im slowly learning to..but am unforgiving and relentless when I feel threatened or disrespected.
  I am vindictive and spiteful..
 When I got out of straight I was scared of everyone and couldnt go into malls etc..that turned to hate as I got older..grew from a skinny little boy into a man orphaned to the dope and streets and jails.
 It toughened me up and turned all that fear into blind rage.
 I have been fired from numerous jobs for assaulting co workers.

  Sometimes I think about killing least 2 times a month or more I fall into almost suicidal depression..I readily admit that I fucking hate myself..
  My stupid bullshit thoughts and loser fucking life. ometimes I dont know why Im bothering to get off the methadone...for what to never have a career be ditched by everyone?
  I have one person in my life I care for and love..other than that person I see no point in life..
  thanks straight...oh and Im still not sober.
 I hadnt even done any drugs at 12 when i went to straight...12 fucking years old...12! you motherfuckers that were 17 or so and relentlessly abused me...hope and pray you never cross my path.
  I do ...because I dont wanna go back to jail for  fucking up some worthless ex staffer...but probably will because I see red and attack.

 those that were victims such as myself ( I was 12 and managed to not abuse anyone why the fuck didnt you staffers? brooks? kathy david? care to answer?..guess my little 12 year old mind was stronger) I hope you can find peace and cope better than I have ...

trying my best not to lose this war but its hard to keep it together.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / I just
« on: April 17, 2005, 06:14:00 PM »
smokin ...feel like Im gonna die but thank god for the fucking mota!
  when i get off this fucking garbage Ill be once again enjoying cold beer/hot sun with my bpitw.
 oh and FUCK YOU STAFFERS OF RICHARDSON STRAIGHT 87/88/89 (minus reagan youth because hes tha fuckin man!)

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / methadone; nastiest drug on earth
« on: April 17, 2005, 06:09:00 PM »
I gotta say that I think methadone should be classified as a biological weapon rather than a drug.
 I should have known that anything invented by nazis
couldnt be good (they gave us both methamphetamine and methadone..methadone = adolphine
 I guess I really had no other choice at the time...there was no subutex /suboxone treatments..
  Why should you give a fuck? I dont care either way..
  I guess Im just posting this to warn anyone caught in the opioid tornado..
  If you absolutely must go on opioid maintenance ..for heroin/vicodan/morph/whatever habit....check into suboxone and subutex..
  Its withdsrawals are mild at best.
   Methadone should be reserved for the hopeless. I have been in withdrawals since christmas during my taper ...which is fucking ridiculous..
   you can kick the other opioids in 2 weeks tops and I mean back to work and sleeping and all.
I jumped off of my methadone taper at 40 mgs (wasnt even stable at 40 lets say 50 , milligrams that is) and it almost fucking killed me ...I couldnt even get up to bathe..and almost overdosed myself on my remaining supply to make it stop.
 I went ahead and started my taper back at 30 and am almost stable at 10 mg.
  I started at 170 which is a monster dose..was on 170 for years

  Im gonna make it ...Im like a roach in that I always survive and always will..
   Reagrdless of your opinion of me, which is of no consequence anyway...
   if you have a little ol vicodin habit or heroin habit under say 8 or 9 bags/papers(depending where you live) a day ...just do your kick off those and be done
  I have done alot of fucking drugs ...thats been the main focus of my very being since I was about 14 ...and have never seen anything that rivals this.
  Its been a struggle you prolly cant imagine..yah yah dope took my life...dope took everything Ive ever had and then some...including my soul.
  But thats done and gone and still Im here...Im over that.
  But dont get sucked into methadone clinics bullshit...they dont give a fuck about you..and wont even tell you the vast number of horrid side effects and withdrawals involved...they "just wanna get you stable" ( which means strung out~ on a super synthetic opiate more powerful than all your past addiction times ten)
  I wont go into all of that..right now. If you think you wanna ride the methadone dragon pm me and Ill tell you what the clinic wont.

nothing is ever gonna get done about this until people are ready to sacrafice their life and go to jail for murder or what have you...courts aint gonna do shit..

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / You's in Trouble Now!
« on: April 17, 2005, 11:32:00 AM »
and this after reagan and bush pulled that shit funding the drug cartel...i believe it was noriega..

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / You's in Trouble Now!
« on: April 17, 2005, 11:28:00 AM »
fuck that shit...they have us sitting on top of enough VX nerve gas to kill the entire world 3 times as it slowly degrades ...but...we ...cant smoke pot.
  well I will smoke pot and do any fucking thing else I want...fuck amerika

Let It Bleed / Everything you listened to today
« on: April 17, 2005, 11:19:00 AM »
sunday am
death - leprosy
fixing to slap in some necrophagist

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / reagan youth
« on: April 17, 2005, 11:17:00 AM »
hey man you alright? I been trying to call you and your numbers dead..
call me ..

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / I just
« on: April 14, 2005, 07:33:00 PM »
wanna get high?


Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / ,
« on: April 14, 2005, 10:11:00 AM »
I read your story, its heartbreaking

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / How Did Straight End?
« on: April 14, 2005, 10:09:00 AM »
straight never really ended...for it lives on in the tortured minds

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