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Messages - aileen

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Mission Mountain School / Where would you be without MMS?
« on: May 06, 2005, 12:52:00 PM »
oh the above two were me

Mission Mountain School / Just to let you know....
« on: May 06, 2005, 12:51:00 PM »
what? this post wasn't bashing on her. are you idiots? and i took that shit back in the other forum.

Mission Mountain School / Just to let you know....
« on: May 06, 2005, 06:16:00 AM »
Just for everybody...

I apologize if I offend anybody in my posts; I tend to get riled up sometimes. Writing and venting helps me to see things more clearly. I am grateful for this forum, because since I left MMS I have just not thought about any of it. It is always painful for me to leave places and I was afraid I would be shut out because I left on a home visit.

After finding this forum, I have found opportunity to read other people's experiences and see different points of view. I have had the opportunity to vent my own feelings and also reflect on different aspects of my experience there, both in the forum and in my own space.

This has helped me a lot... I knew I was helped by the school, but shortly before I found this forum I realized how I was still living with the fear of punishment in part reinforced by the school...

since coming here, writing and reading these posts has helped me to sift through the good and the bad and see what I need to work through and let go of.

I guess what I wanted to say was thanks... to whoever started this forum and to EVERYBODY for sharing their opinions, views, experiences...

I also want to say that I may post things that are looking at things from one side, but a minute after, I will look at the other, most of the time I just spew out whatever comes into my mind... and none of my posts are meant to attack those who had a different experience at MMS.

I appreciate those who posted their experiences because it helps me realize why one of the friends I was close with while at the school seemed so different after leaving MMS... I felt really sad and confused about this.

Okay I'm done talking for now

Aileen[ This Message was edited by: aileen on 2005-05-06 03:17 ]

Mission Mountain School / Where would you be without MMS?
« on: May 06, 2005, 05:52:00 AM »
I just read what I wrote. I went a little far, I reread some other posts and I don't think Ginger you actually said you were not opinionated on the topic... I don't know where that impression came from. So apologies about that, I misunderstood something.

But the rest still stands for now.

Mission Mountain School / it worked for me
« on: May 06, 2005, 05:47:00 AM »
i love your little quote down there

Mission Mountain School / Who had a good experience?
« on: May 06, 2005, 05:43:00 AM »
i ripped it, crumpled it into a little ball, and swallowed it.... yeah i was desperate... weird though i was desperate because i had promised my friend paul to go to homecoming with him that saturday and now i was going to miss it because i was going to wilderness... and miss the afterparties and shit ohhh nnoooo my life is ooover... desperate or just fucked up or both i guess

i don't understand why people are afraid of colleen, of all people i ought to be because i hate getting in trouble but don't you have caller id or something? and if you pick up is it that hard to hang up the phone? it's easy for me i guess, i never answer my home phone... nobody does i don't even know why we have it nobody listens to hte messages either

besides, wouldn't it be good for laughs. what happened to you oppositional-defiant kids hah wouldn't you just be like HAHA you can't do naything anymore... or are you just all more mature than me[ This Message was edited by: aileen on 2005-05-06 02:45 ]

Mission Mountain School / Where would you be without MMS?
« on: May 06, 2005, 05:30:00 AM »
I needed to be removed completely shut off from the world because I am smart, thank you very much, and I could find ways to run off or do other shit. As I said in my above post, I also wanted to cling to a certain identity, and don't tell me that's healthy. Kids do it, it's a phase, but I needed to separate myself from that in order to figure out how I thought, how I felt, how I was, and not stay in that I don't give a fuck place because I took it to an extreme to where I didn't speak to my parents because I resented them so much and I fantasized about killing them and actually set it up trying to get myself to do it... don't tell me that's fucking normal. Even if that happened to you doesn't mean it's fucking good a lot of families are fucked up and it's more normal but not healthy.

Sleeping out the snow was not fun. It was, in some ways, if I think about it because we joked about shit. It was uncomfortable, but not a threat to our lives. It was a punishment, and I don't believe that punishment always works, even though that's how our culture runs... on punishment instead of discipline. Well fuck that's too bad why don't we blame the whole culture while we're at it.

The way you say things is skewed. Forcing? Little girls? Room full of people? Sex? Okay forcing, they told us to do certain things and from what I saw it helped.

They pushed a girl to yell "I'm not a victim" because she wouldn't believe it and she was still thinking that she couldn't help herself. She didn't want to do it. You could say they forced her but it's not like they physically forced her, or threatened her by putting a gun to her head. She was pressured sure.

Little girls makes it sound like we were seven year-olds. Sex, no not just sex, when I was there they didn't have us talk about just any sex. They had us tell the group not just "a room full of people" but people they spent every day with and knew and weren't strangers about sexual trauma because talking about it helps. I didn't speak a word about my abuse to anybody for about eight years. It was still there and growing. Then one day I told a random stranger about it online. And you know what? It didn't retraumatize me... I felt like a fucking ball of fairy dust afterwards. I felt amazing. And I was like, shit, I need to talk about this. But I didn't go about it the right way. When I talked in group and said things that were embarassing to say I felt great afterwards. Shame can be used in different ways. The type of shame that engulfs a sex abuse victim is not healthy. They feel dirty and shameful because they feel they were at fault, because they feel they are dirty and shameful not what happened to them. So talking about it helps to defy those underlying beliefs. I KNOW CUZ I WENT THROUGH IT AND I'M STILL GOING THROUGH IT.

Oh and I picked that sentence apart because that sentence was deliberately designed to present the issue a certain way to the reader, whether you were aware that you put it together taht way or it just came out because its waht you perceive and believe... Forcing little girls to talk about sex in a room full of people might as well be Encouraging young women to share their experiences with sexual abuse in a group of close peers. It's all skewed skewed skewed skewed.

And yes I am skewed too in certain ways. I believe that therapy helped me and it did. I believe I was not brainwashed by a cult. I do not condone the punishment method, because discipline can work better, but it takes a great deal of effort. I believe a lot of other crap too and see things my way but I am too tired to go about this. I just pointed that out because you said something about not taking sides or some shit along those lines in a post I read I really don't remember your exact words sorry if I screwed it up I have horrible memory.

I never felt shamed by anyone at school, not that I can remember. And do not tell me that's because I was brainwashed by a cult. I don't believe that.

I don't think I'm flawed. Where the hell did you get that shit from? I do get down on myself at times when I get depressed and it's stupid but I am not flawed. I used to think that, before going to MMS. I used to think I wasn't even a part of the human race, that I was just a filthy sex object... Gary actually helped me a lot with that, as did Jim Rogers, as did staff like Russell who talked to me like I was a person even though he was male and I was supposed to be nothing but sex to him (in my head), as did the girls who were real with me and treated me like a person... I gained a fucking lot out of the school, I don't agree with everything about the school or about life ... It needs work yes but no it's not a fucking cult that's fucking ridiculous and watch how you use that word it causes serious harm and people get all caught up like oh my god it's a cult it's not that's shit... you know what I have done research on cults before but once I get these finals out of the way I will go and do extensive research on cults and on brainwashing and then I'll come back to you and either say again it's shit or say okay I was wrong sorry. But for now, it's shit. shit hsithsithihtithsishit. okay it's late... i'm getting weird.[ This Message was edited by: aileen on 2005-05-06 02:33 ][ This Message was edited by: aileen on 2005-05-06 02:37 ]

Mission Mountain School / Where would you be without MMS?
« on: May 06, 2005, 05:05:00 AM »
You don't need to defend Antigen/Ginger. She's not a fucking god, and she's not as helpful as some people made her out to be in other posts I've read, not so open-minded, she is obviously against these places and insulting that girl she was talking to on pg 2 of this topic. Now she does make valid points at times, but she's not the fucking expert on everything.

What are your qualifications Ginger to say that this kind of therapy doesn't help girls? I know it helped me... I told every detail I could recall about being abused and it lifted a fucking boulder off my back. And I told it again in a group with my parents. And I felt even less burdened. Therapists who deal with children with sexual abuse ask them questions... for instance, my therapist deals with many sexually abused children (as well as sex offenders, and much else, she is qualified and experienced and a good therapist) and she recounts children who would blurt out everything that happens to them and tells it over and over again because saying it HELPS and lifts the shame off and takes away a little of the pain. Dammit I'm losing my point again because I'm ranting. It must be "floating," shit what else could it be, maybe I'm just a distractable person? What? Couldn't be.

Mission Mountain School / Where would you be without MMS?
« on: May 06, 2005, 04:51:00 AM »
On 2005-05-04 19:17:00, Antigen wrote:


On 2005-05-04 16:36:00, aileen wrote:

I may have lost my point somewhere in there.

Yeah, you did. Looks like you got caught up in all the cult lingo and mindset and sort of dazed there for a few. That's what the cult experts call "floating".

Maybe your olddruggie friends weren't all that bad and maybe the sex wasn't always of the hurtful variety?

I lose my point because I ramble too much, I've always done that EVEN BEFORE I WENT TO MMS! OH MY GOD! COULD IT BE? LOSING MY POINT HAS NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MMS? Stop fucking analyzing me.

I didn't like it either when they overanalyzed us (which happened at times) at boarding school, but I definitely don't need it now.

Not to get bitchy but it's just fucking annoying.

No my old druggie friends weren't all bad, in fact I was a worse influence on them at times than the other way around. And no I'm not dumping on myself I tried to push drugs on them like crack so I wouldn't feel so bad about using them myself. And just because a lot of my peer group smokes pot and gets trashed in college doesn't mean that it's right for them or for me. And maybe they can handle it but all it did for me was get me fucked up in a bad way. It's not worth the risk of going back, because smoking pot already was an easy way for me to get back into the druggie culture and jump to shit like heroin and say fuck it all! I just want to get high and not do shit! And I can feel that tugging on me still sometimes.

And no the sex always was of the hurtful variety. I had sex with older guys because they were "hot" and popular and could give me the attention that recreated the sexual abuse I experienced. I was aware of the feeling even at the time though less consciously, I wanted to fuck my cousin.

I didn't even care about the people I had sex with, sometimes I did it just so they'd be friends with me. Or give me attention (though they hardly paid attention while we were doing the deed even) though afterwards they'd pretend I didn't exist and nothing had ever happened. I'd go home and feel shitty and binge and take a boiling shower... so gee, I think it was kind of harmful. I didn't think it was harmful because MMS told me it was. I knew it was, I just didn't want to stop because I didn't know any other way of dealing with these fucking feelings. I didn't know how to go about it.

I am having sex now with somebody I care about and it's damn good and it's not harmful and I can tell the difference.

Now I'm going back to your other post and seeing how else I can bitch.

Oh wait! I didn't say my old druggie friends were bad. In fact, I'm still friends with a bunch of them. However there were some relationships I know that they were just leeches and I didn't really care about them either it was just the bond that we were doing drugs together and that we were both fucked up. Those are people I'd go to today and be disgusted because they live a life of complete image and don't know who they are, they leech off the people around them to get love and an identity and I still sometimes wish I were there with them because that life was easy, though fucking painful because every day after coming home from being with my "friends" I'd cry and feel fucking alone inside. Those people aren't good for me because they'd want me to go back to the same old life we had before... I know because I was one of them.

However, some of my old druggie friends are cool and I had real relationships with them underneath it all. It STILL wouldn't have been good for me to call them at first because I tried to call my friend to meet me when I tried to run away, just as an example. I wanted to cling to them, cling to the druggie image I had instead of letting go and figuring out I was a person on my own. I wanted to stay in contact with them because I wanted to figure out ways I could get drugs shipped to me or I could plan to run away (which had nothing to do with MMS, I was always running away, I just wanted to go use and not give a shit about anything).

YEah I sound like a bitch. I'm pissed. Because I don't take everything at face value as I said, and I know what I'm saying, even though I lose my point because I digress a lot. I don't need you to preach at me and don't say you aren't you fucking sound preachy like I'm some dumb little cult product and I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about even though OH WHAT? this is my life and I'm inside my own fucking head!?! I've just been bitchy lately anyway. Maybe it's PMS. But yeah I'll calm down now and say I'm sorry if I've offended you but there are some valid points in what I say above.

Now I'll go look at your other post and get riled up again.[ This Message was edited by: aileen on 2005-05-06 01:53 ]

SERBIA, I was there. The staff were really great people, and cared a LOT. I guess they just weren't trained properly, which means the state/gov needs more regulation and Brown schools needed more work... but they're gone now anyway right?

Mission Mountain School / my experience
« on: May 04, 2005, 08:35:00 PM »
oh and i agree with the cleaning their property part... it was weird, but it wasn't horrible, just weird. i think people thought it was a privilege because usually only the chosen girls got to hang out around john and he would give them treats like watch a movie instead of group or something.

oh who are you? do i know you?

Mission Mountain School / my experience
« on: May 04, 2005, 08:32:00 PM »
you mean the porsche? i never understood that... but it freaked the hell outta me when colleen bitched us out.

and the eating plan sucked. I think I had such a problem with food because I was already bulimic (binging/fasting) and since I couldn't have drugs or act out on anything else, I used food even more. There was soooo  much energy focused on food! That made it such a big issue and ridiculous! I don't know where it came from, the girls, the staff, the therapists...?? Or maybe because it was the only thing we could count on because even if we got sent on intervention, we had to have three meals a day? I don't know...

Mission Mountain School / FACTS
« on: May 04, 2005, 08:26:00 PM »
I'm not a big fan of John. He scared me and he seemed full of himself. On the other hand, he isn't as bad as that first person is making him out to be, and he was helpful to me at times. He is pretty damn insightful, though he may not always have been correct (who is?).

Mission Mountain School / validity of forum
« on: May 04, 2005, 08:21:00 PM »
Just because there are sponsored forums out there that are biased doesn't mean this forum isn't biased. It's not the moderator's fault because there isn't one; it is simply that the sample is not completely representative of the population, the same way a scientific poll is not accurate if it asks people to respond to an ad, because maybe only certain people find that ad and only certain people respond.

Mission Mountain School / Who had a good experience?
« on: May 04, 2005, 08:17:00 PM »
I don't know... my parents had to go get notarized or something the form giving wilderness custody, as they later told me... I tried to eat it when my escorts were showing it to the police... well I did eat it, but it seemed to hold up with the police. They had to get another copy though.

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