Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

Day 77 - Moral Inventory - 10/13/75

We were talkin' about responsibility today & I got to walk 2 newcomers to the bathroom for the 1st time & I got to clean up around the chairs after the afternoon rap & I got to bring the lunch tray to the kitchen & empty some boxes into the dumpster & I got to stand on the group door for the 1st time today for about an hour & I think that it was really neat bein' trusted already. I mean it isn't any big thing or anything but I felt great.

I got to walk this one guy to the bathroom who had been straight for 4 years & put back on his program & I freaked out boy when he told me 4 years, but he seems to be happy with himself. And with responsibilities I feel like they're really important because I become more confident & I'm doing something important.

I LOVE YOU

Goals: Relate alot more in the group & always, always take pride in whatever I do.

Day 60 - Moral Inventory - 9/26/75 (Open Meeting)

Something that I was thinkin' about was, I was an asshole for a long time, about 4 years & I was conditioned to be that way for a long time & as much as I want to get my shit together I know that it's not gonna happen overnight or any other time limit because I still have a lot to learn about myself until I get my shit together.

Like I was talking to my parents tonight & my mom said that she wouldn't care if I was living away from home for 3 years if it took that long to get myself straight. That really surprised me & she also said that I was messed up for a long time & the important thing is that I get straight & that's the way I feel about it too because I want to get straight & I'm not gonna worry about any petty BS like setting myself up to go home because it's not really important as far as me getting straight goes.

And like in Homes Rap today, everybody was telling me how good that I was doin' but it has only been a few days since I started to really be myself & get my shit together. Because I want to be as strong as possible before I go home.

I LOVE YOU

Goals: Try to relate to everything so I can get really involved & learn alot.

Day 46 - Moral Inventory - 9/12/75 (Open Meeting)

I had a great day today. I learned alot. I got stood up today for copying what people were saying. I wasn't taking the time to really stop & think & relate it to myself.

Everybody told me that I was being a real follower by just agreeing with everybody & I was just being a crowd pleaser by not saying how I really feel about things & myself.

Then I started really seein' where I was at. I was feeling sorry for myself & I was crying & everything. Then Darlene said that I was just looking at the way that I was & making myself feel like I didn't deserve to get straight not respecting myself at all & that's exactly how I felt & she also said that I really wanted everybody else to be happy & get straight, because I really say how I feel when somebody else is full of shit, but that I don't give myself credit where it is deserved with me.

That I really don't respect myself & she said that the rap we had yesterday must have really slapped me in the face & I said yes & I said that my oldcomer said that he didn't get anything out of what I said & she smiled & shook her head & told everybody what I said "that my grandpa always told me to use my common sense" & everybody laughed. Then Darlene said how seriously I was taking everything & I could really see that & she said I was making things hard on myself on purpose by taking things so seriously & analyzing everything. And I just started seeing everything stupid that I'd been doing and I started laughing & Cliff asked me if I knew what I just did & I said "What" & he said that I just laughed at myself & I laughed again & he said that's a sign of getting well & said that everybody seen me laughing at myself so I wouldn't have any excuse to do it anymore & I agreed & then Darlene asked me if I understood everything that everybody told me and I said that they made it real clear & then Darlene & the chicks started singing 'I can see clearly now that the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way...' And I started laughing and crying and then Darlene said that everything we sing at the Seed means something & I felt great boy then I sat down.

And we were talking for about another hour before exercises & I was relating & really saying how I felt & really felt great & could tell that everybody got something out of what I said.

Then we had Homes Rap & they told me that they already talked to me & that I was doing real good but I got alot to do & if I keep in mind everything that everybody told me that I should be able to go home next week & then Cliff asked me if I thought I was ready to go home & I said no & he said OK & I said OK, then everybody said that they loved me.

Then I got to talk to my parents during the open meeting tonite & I asked them if they called Bill & Craigs parents about enrolling in the program & mom said that she called Bill's mom & she thought that he was doing really good & didn't need any help. Then I asked her to call the parents of Craig, Carol, Ruth, & Martha & they said they would & mom said that everything was great at home & Suzanne (my sister) still isn't sure if I was here on my own free will but she will see soon enough.

I LOVE YOU

Goals: Bust my ass all the time and work for me

Day 12 - Moral Inventory - 8/09/75

I got over to Russell's house at about 6:30 this morning & we talked for about a half hour. Then we slept until about 9:00. Then Russell's mom made us some breakfast. She is really nice. Then I was rapping with Russ's sister Julie. She's an old-timer. She's really smart. Then when we left Mrs C hugged me & said she loved me & I said I loved her. She also said I did good at the Open Meeting last nite.

The Morning Rap was on the 3 Signs. I got up & related 4 times. Then during the Guys Rap we were talking about compeing with other people in the group.

Then the Night Rap was on trust. I had something to say but I didn't relate because there was a bunch of old-timers there. BS I'm going to relate tomorrow during the night rap!

I LOVE YOU

Goals: I'm gonna relate evey time I have something worth saying & also I'm gonna relate during the nite rap.

Day 25 - Moral Inventory - 8/22/75 (Open Meeting)

I learned alot about myself today. During Homes Rap my friends set me straight about alot of things. The main thing is that I wasn't being honest. Even today I wasn't being honest I was trying to impress everyone that I was doin' good & I wasn't doing good. I knew it because I didn't really feel right & I could tell that nobody was getting anything out of what I was saying. I was convincing myself that I was a boring person & by doing that I was becoming a boring person.

Something I realized is that my attitude is going to affect my actions. Not like just "saying" I'm gonna have a good day because I know whether or not I'm gonna have a good day or not. I have to think positive- it's just as simple as that & something that Darlene said to me was that I haven't changed since Day 1 & it's true. I've learned alot but I still have been playing games & I really haven't committed myself to getting straight. Something else the group told me today was that I thought it was just a big vacation being at the Seed & that it is serious business. I'm here to get my life back together & the only way that I can do that is to really start busting my ass & start realizing that it's a privilege to be in the Seed & it's nothing to be taken lightly.

And after everybody told me where I was at they didn't tell me that they loved me & that was a good justification for me to martyr. And that's what I did for the rest of the meeting. I was really acting like a jerk. And I could see on my Mom's face that she knew where I was at and that made me think. I'm not gonna get straight for her, I'm gonna do it for me but that gave me a little push in the right direction. This is the 1st Open Meeting that I didn't get emotional. Because I knew that if I did it would just be because I was feeling sorry for myself.

I LOVE YOU

Goals: BE HONEST WITH MYSELF, DON'T RAISE MY HAND UNLESS I'M GONNA BE HONEST. START TAKING MY LIFE SERIOUSLY.

Dear God give me the strength to be myself and not be a boring person. Amen

A few years ago (she's 20 now), my daughter who was 16/17 going on 30 was having some of the same problems her dad had (skipping school, smoking pot & drinking, bad attitude, rebellious, etc).
 
I actually was considering different drug treatment programs, including the Seed. I haven't had any contact with the program since graduating in '76 & found out by a little research that they were only taking 18+ yo, so I didn't look into it any further. No other programs seemed liked the answer to our problem.

What I ended up doing was being a parent (along with my wife of 24 yrs) & made some rules, talked to her alot & told her that she was loved. I also told her (and her mother who didn't have a screwed up childhood like me) that this was a phase & that she was a great kid & a smart kid & would mature at her own pace & would later laugh at all the stupid stuff she is doing now.
 
She is now 20 & is still doing "some" stupid stuff but has matured alot & loves her parents who love & support her too. She is a real joy to me & I think she's gonna turn out just fine.....

Day 22 - Moral Inventory - 8/19/75

"I went into the Seed this morning with a real good attitude like I was gonna be honest. I was too. I only related once (during the morning rap) but I learned alot & I had my hand up sometimes. But somebody told me that if I only had my hand up a couple of times then I wouldn't get called on & that's right. We were talking about the Serenity Prayer this morning. Then later on we were talking about our friends. Then after that we were doing exercises, then during the guys rap talking about what it takes to be a man. Then for the night rap we were talking about appreciation. Rick thought he could do without the Seed, but he came back today.

I LOVE YOU

Goals: To just be myself. Be motivated all the time. Think of myself as the most important person. Show consideration to my friends in the group.

Day 20 - Moral Inventory - 8/17/75:

"I came in this morning with a real good attitude. I learned an awful lot today. I had my hand up almost all the time but staff didn't call on me. The reasons why were because I was getting frustrated when they didn't call on me. And because my attitude sucked. And the main reason was because I was still trying to con people. I wasn't being myself. I was trying to impress everybody & let them know that I was doin good. Now I'm glad that I didn't get called on because I wasn't being sincere. I was scheming. That is something I have to change NOW!

I LOVE YOU

Goals: Be myself, don't try to impress everybody on how good I'm doing. Because I'm the most important person. And I'm gonna have to start worrying about myself.
                God give me the strength AMEN