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Messages - shanlea

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Geoff, I went to CEDU in 1987.  I NEVER spoke about this experience until I came to this site; I understand wanting your folks to understand the shit behind the facade.  I would talk to them if necessary or if they were amiable, but a staff member would be a real coup.  Maybe Roy or Max can help you to this end.

In any event, for me it was 15 years ago, and I am just now realizing the damage.I kind of subliminated it. It came out in anxiety; distrust of any relationships; difficulty emerging into real world after being in such an insular environment etc.  

It's good you are dealing with this now instead of later. Good luck.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Ideas
« on: June 17, 2004, 02:01:00 AM »
What I hated more than anything was the cult lingo.  Whenever I was on work detail they'd say stuff like "As you are scrubbing out this oven, think about that dark hole you put your little girl in every day."

I was surprised by how many people ran their thinking, ran their shit etc. I don't think I had one emotionally authentic moment while I was there. I mean I felt close to some people and I was touched by things I could relate to, but I didn't trust the staff to open my innermost self up for their voyeuristic pulverizing.

I gotta say the most shocking thing was finding out how many people (attractive ones) had some sort of sexual relationship with an animal. Relationship is probably the wrong word. I was just really shocked because it was the first time I ever heard of this kind of thing. (I grew up at the beach not a farm. Ha HA Ha)

Also, I think it is essential in therapy to keep your lives separate so it was weird to hear all the issues of the staff.  THe gross things they did to themselves etc. Never mind! I forgot these staff weren't therapists to begin with!!!   :wstupid:

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 17, 2004, 01:50:00 AM »
Gosh, laura, I feel so stupid. I really thought everyone totally bought into all the stupid rules and mind trips. I thought there was something wrong with me for not... I never questionned that anyone was faking it. I don't know how you survived rebelling. I knew after the Truth propheet that I would be broken into submission if I stayed because they didn't tolerate anything but total capitulation. When I got there, my whole focus was to blend into the woodwork and stay dirt-free.  The only dirt I had was knowing I HAD to split before whatever was left of me was smashed.  But even then I was totally unprepared to deal with the real world after that insulated crap. I trusted NO ONE.

I wonder how much CEDU has changed since then. It seems like the changes were largely cosmetic. We didn't have therapists.  I wouldn't have trusted them anyway if they told CEDU everything.  

YOu know I resented my team leaders most because they were full of shit and saw how they manipulated me and my parents and could never get there facts straight, screwing up my story for their own purposes, but I never went further than Vision to fully experience other staff, except in raps.

Unlike you, Pam (never my family head) was totally cool to me especially when I had table time; she just sat and talked about different stuff; she never condescended or exaggerated or used things against me later, like Jim and Laurie did.  I was in one rap where she let this total BULLY from hell rip a person to shreds for being too smiley(a new staff member--someone's spouse who was trying to be supportive and was one of the few bright lights there). This bully that CEDU nourished had carte blanche to basically humiliate a really nice person just for kicks. I was sickened.  I was hoping Pam would rein her in but she unleashed her.

Was Pam's husband there when you were at CEDU.  He really humiliated me unnecessarily for giving guys hard ons on purpose by wearing tight pants.  The reason my pants were tight was because I gained 20 pounds and my parents didn't send me anymore clothing that fit.  He ripped me to bits in front of guys in a pretty graphic way.  It was all sports to him. I think his name was Mark W.  Does he still work at CEDU with Pam?

I often wondered what the kitchen staff thought of all of us.  THey've heard the gamut.  [ This Message was edited by:  on 2004-08-01 20:32 ]

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 14, 2004, 10:19:00 AM »
How'd you end up rebellious and graduating? I remember when I was there, by the time you got up to the upper levels you were pretty much beaten into submission, it seemed all the upper level kids either faked it through or really brought in to the system.  It seemed the staff made a point of breaking down the rebellious ones, usually during a propheet or wilderness trip the person would be "saved."

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Ideas
« on: June 14, 2004, 10:12:00 AM »
Bans bans bans.  I just got the run of the mill table time banned from all lower families for the criminal act of wanting to leave.

Oh, and my clothing and style and personality were banned. I learned early to just blend into the woodwork.  Once I laughed raucouusly over a story some guy told me and was chastised for flirting  I reaally wasn't....much. Just laughinh about our loves back home.  Banned. Pardon me for being 16.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 14, 2004, 12:48:00 AM »
OK. YOu are right. I don't understand, but I accept. We all got our own journey.

Still, you are articulate and funny, what if you wrote a dark comedy about your experience?

Also out of curiosity, do any of your CEDU friends view CEDU similarly or were they brainwashed? Laura? Hell?

I attended CEDU over a decade ago.  I never talked about my experiences at CEDU to anyone until I found this site.

For me, it is vindication of what I've always believed.  And part of the closure is hearing ex-staff validate this experience as unhealthy/abusive etc.  So, thanks for posting even when you get a lot of crap.

[ This Message was edited by:  on 2004-08-01 20:29 ]

1. Laurie Saunders
2. Pam Abell and her husband Mark Williams
3. Jill and Rudy

Also CEDU-RS staff who were nice and not power-tripping(needed there cheery faces)wanda, bruce b., alex's wife, Julie... What happened to them? Did they ever get what a wacked out cult this was?

Did any of them ever get it?

I'm asking because it helps bring closure. Thanks.

HUH? You had to write your eulogy in Summit? What the hell was that and what is the "lifeboat" exercise?

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / I found this!
« on: May 06, 2004, 11:24:00 PM »
For a guy who scares the crap out of me you sure are poetic.

I did not like mark.  I was only in a few raps with him but once he degraded me terribly and unwarrantedly about my clothing he thougtht was too tight.  The truth was I had gained 25 pounds rapidly and my parents didn't send me any more. Mark treated me like a slut for it... The funny thing is right when I went there I knew not to be dirty so it wasn't like I was a flirt w/the boys or had a rep in that regard.  Pam was always cool to me but I only had a few raps with her and she sat down with me when I had table time for splitting the first time.  She was totally cool didn't give me any shit at all.  maybe it was the good cop, bad cop thing.  My family heads were the bad cops.

Rudy was intimidating but he was cool to me and so was Jill.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Propheets
« on: May 05, 2004, 10:53:00 PM »
Exactly. Know what?!

Well, I am still surprised to hear about all the sex. I think its normal, I was just too scared at CEDU to ever do that. Also, having experienced recent sexual trauma immediately prior to CEDU, I couldn't deal anyway. CEDU certainly didn't help with its incredible knack for making you feel dirty for crimes against you.

I guess I thought CEDU had everyone so much by the balls how could they have sex and do drugs?  I know they totally had me by the balls and that's why I split after six months.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / SPLITTING
« on: May 05, 2004, 11:58:00 AM »
We weren't associated w/CEDU at the same time. I was there in 1987.

I was hoping for others' sake it would have been better after I left but it sounds like any changes were strictly cosmetic.

Did the allow therapists to sit in the raps?

[ This Message was edited by:  on 2004-08-01 20:10 ]

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Propheets
« on: May 05, 2004, 10:25:00 AM »
I started this particular post but i'm not anonymous anymore.  I don't want any confusion on what I say and someone else said.

Whoever said "how the fuck would you know" what were you referring to?

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