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« on: October 21, 2009, 01:57:21 PM »
Several of my friends have the misfortune of possessing truly toxic parents. One of my friends has a mom who is schizophrenic, and did awful things to her as a child. (she obsessed over teeth. telling her that she was shameful and had to get them fixed, only to take her to a barely capable dentist who then disfigured and ruined them. It has taken her years of dental work to get everything fixed.) Another friend has a mom who is a narcissist. An instance of her parenting was chastising my friend when she was a child, because she wrote her mother a song for her birthday. Her mother got angry because she explicitly told her that she wanted a dustbuster instead, and that she was an awful, selfish child.
I don't even want to get into what my fiancee went through.
These are simply examples of a greater pathology, not isolated incidents.
Despite all of this, my friends have maintained a relationship with their problem parents. However, they have learned to make it on their terms. At certain times, it got so bad that it required things like cutting off all contact, or getting a restraining order. Regardless, in the end, they said "what am I going to do? She's my mom/he's my dad, for better or worse." and are always drawn back to re-establishing contact when it is safe to do so. The key thing here is, it is the son or daughter who is calling the shots about when it is and is not appropriate to be in contact. However, it is always painful and emotionally trying.
Conversely, I don't understand the bond thing. I've had people explain it to me, and I find it fascinating. I've also exchanged notes with my friends who are adopted, like myself. We love for our parents, and that was developed and nurtured. Most of us, despite the fact that our parents are loving and supportive, could go for months without contact and not feel a thing. We love them, but we feel no connection at some gut level. My fiancee was staying with me for a few weeks, (we live about three hours away) and said "I have to go back home for a few days. I miss my mom."
I said "What? You miss your mom?" The thought boggled my mind. I hadn't been back home in 20 years. (I see my mom about once a year, but I don't go back to NY.) I thought "Wow, I forget how young she is. That's kind of immature."
Then I realized, that's NORMAL. Even when a kid has problem parents, it's normal. It seems to me that a lot of times, you actually have to go against nature to sever ties, even if it's temporary.
Whereas some adopted kids (at least the friends I know) well.. we have to work to stay connected. There was no slight or transgression by our parents to warrant it, we all come from different backgrounds.
If my parents had been crazy and toxic as some of my friends' parents?? I honestly don't know if I would have any problem never looking back.
Keep in mind that these are all personal incidents from my friends and myself. I have no idea if this pertains to the greater population.