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Messages - Hell on Wheels

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CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 13, 2004, 01:11:00 PM »
Let's put it this way....... The things I got sent to CEDU for, never got addressed in 2.5 years. I just learned to keep my anger under the radar. To turn all my hate against those who were against me, whether it was student or staff, or system. I guess I have just never turned it off. My guess is that most people here were not sent away for extreme anger and disturbing thought processes. That makes me a minority. You will not understand why it is so important for me to talk here, or anywhere. The more I talk, the less chance that I will act. Like I said here before, I was born to be the way that I am, hopefully I can maintain the strength to keep myself doing the right thing, done pretty good so far.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Ideas
« on: June 13, 2004, 12:44:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: Hell on Wheels on 2004-07-10 23:56 ]

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Ideas
« on: June 13, 2004, 12:34:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: Hell on Wheels on 2004-07-10 23:56 ]

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Ideas
« on: June 13, 2004, 12:18:00 AM »
Hey, just to figure out how people are feeling, I think it would be kinda cool if people would post something they hated about CEDU, and then how they would change it into something better. Keeping in mind that you cannot simply completely overhaul something i.e. remove commissary and instead shop at A& that is too far out there.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 13, 2004, 12:05:00 AM »
On 2004-06-12 21:02:00, Anonymous wrote:


On 2004-06-12 19:08:00, Hell on Wheels wrote:

 That scared the living shit out of me. "

   And by the sounds of it, you have a LOT of shit living IN you (as do many others)"

Wow, random honesty :smile:  :smile:  :razz:  god, remember that?? You'd be cruisin in the house, really letting it ride, and BAM, somebody would drop some honesty all over you. And you had nothing to say about it. Cause it's true. It didn't hurt, but it was like stepping into a cold shower. Good times.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 13, 2004, 12:02:00 AM »
Hell, I was 14, didn't know shit about shit. Wouldn't a mattered anyways, make it home and back same day. That's the worst, make it home, then what are ya gonna do??

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 12, 2004, 10:08:00 PM »
nah, that used to be the case. But now it as the same for all western states but Cali, they have to be in your house to be able to lower the boom. Or presenting a threat. Things in Idaho are different, but one thing is for sure, it is a helluva lot safer to hitch hike in Idaho. Unless of course you are a city-boy, gay, or not white. On the bright side, the Aryan Nations headquarters has moved from Idaho to Pennsylvania. We are no longer the Mississippi of the West. I grew up in Idaho, lived 3 hours in a car from BCA, I knew all the roads to get home. I just split for something to do. It was a lot of fun. Although try sleeping beside the tracks when an Amtrack blows by at 70. That scared the living shit out of me.

I promise that I will behave if I get to be interviewed :smile:  :smile:  :smile:  :smile:  :smile:

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 12, 2004, 08:21:00 PM »
On 2004-06-11 22:02:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Yikes! AS a "dissatisfied customer" of CEDU (former student), to put it mildy, your comments are terrifying, Hell.  Tell me you are just venting.  The point is to END Cedu abuse not inflict it on more children.  Here, maybe you need to rant and rave, but it veers on the sadistic.  CEDU would read this stuff and just discredit you on this basis. I know we all need a place to vent, but you have so much raw energy do you know how powerful it could be if directed constructively? Man, you could get shit done!

And, Bryan: Is there anyway you could report the attempted molestation? That's serious shit and they should have to deal with that.  I wonder if any of the other kids had the same problem with that guy?

Have either of you confronted these staff members as adults now that they can't dick you around.  I've thought about it.  I think it would bring some closure.

By the way, why didn't more people split?


Well here's a few answers......Bonners Ferry is located in bumfuck egypt, so not really anywhere to go. Spokane is not really that great of a city to be homeless in. There wasn't much green laying around, so that also made it tough. I made it to Spokane......I got pulled off the train by the Spokane SWAT team... We were "armed and dangerous" CEDU bullshit. Ain't it great.

As far as confronting staff now????? Well I think about that almost every day, and have come to one conclusion...... I already did a couple years at CEDU, I'm not in the mood to do life in the Big House. I'm not scared of it, I just don't like the idea very much. I just know that I wouldn't be able to stop myself, and would go over the proverbial edge. I have to rant and rave, and spill it out here, because I just can't do what I want to do. Now do you all see where I am coming from. I have the ability and the tools, and the money and the time to take care of the problem. Take out the heads of Medusa, so to speak. I just can't. I cannot go that far. I will become the thing I hate. Their money means shit to me. Technically they have not done anythig to get themselves locked up. But they went to No. 1 on a few people's lists. And I do not think you can discredit hate. Hatred and love are two of the most powerful motivating factors in the world. Sure my rantings are a little rough. Definitely got your attention didn't it?? :grin:  Nah, I have a great sense of humor and try to always use it, but like I've said before, CEDU brings out the monster in me. (thanks L7) I do okay for a long time, but from Feb 3 to end of summer, every year is terrible melancholy and anger. I guess I should start smoking the good shit to help me forget, but I will not.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 12, 2004, 07:54:00 PM »
I hate you and I hope you die an excrutiatingly painful, miserable, long, lonely death surrounded by the blank faces of hollow men for whom the only desire is to increase your suffering. I hope you die as an invalid- deaf, blind, dumb, and paralized trap

Wow, now that is some great writing. It almost makes me cry. I hear it, I feel it, it's good.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 12, 2004, 07:46:00 PM »
Here's a little something I wrote about that.


They say that strength comes from the inside.
That we all have the power to decide.
What if that is not so true.
That some of us do not have the strength to overcome.
Only the strength to survive.
With each passing day that wears down
 The strength slowly ebbs.
Until one day it is gone.
And upon that day we lay our burdens down on the earth
And slowly slip beneath it.
We lay our cross down for the next lost soul to claim it.
And it will be theirs to keep
Until the day they can no longer bear the weight of it.
And if we could pass our weights back
Upon the ones who gave them to us,
Would we do it or not.
When you know you are strong,  
You will not ask for help,
Because those who do not carry
Do not know one fucking bit about strength.
They are beneath those who do carry the weight,
Regardless of stature.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 12, 2004, 07:43:00 PM »
Want to know the difference......... We were children who didn't know better. They were adults who did know better. It is the only thing that will wake them up. They will not respect the loss of money or jobs. Denial is very powerful, the true CEDU folk will never admit that they were wrong, nor will they read our words..... it scares them, the truth scares them.
I am way too aggressive maybe. I may have lost touch with my human side. The only thing I know is hate and fear and sadness. I know how to give pain and take pain. I think sometimes I have lost my ability to love, or be loved. My point is not about moving on, it is about making them feel as I have felt. To make them feel powerless and weak. To make them scared to speak out. These are people that belong in places like Birkenau, Bergen Belsen, Treblinka, Dachau,  Hanoi Hilton, Bataan.......... not the innocent.

Yeah, ol' Gruhn, and Hayes (chuck), Andy, Priedel, Vines, Summer...... the good ol' days. I just remember that bigger chick that tied that shoelace around her neck, I thought she was gonna die before I finally got the scissors around that shoelace. I still remember that. I think she went to Pinecrest/NIBH. That was fucked up. That and Maria the cutter. That bothered the shit out of me, I know it was a game, and all that, but she had that fucker down to the bone, with scissors or something.

If I knew myself as well as I do now, CEDU would have been the last place for a person like me. Things before I was even born that have layed a heavy hand on my life. Things that help explain who and what I am today. CEDU unwittingly helped the dark side of my life, by giving me the ability to make things okay. Not too many therapists out there that can give me the help I seek. I've tried. But I can't fucking work on issues from before CEDU, and CEDU issues, and current things all at the same time. I can talk til I am blue in the face, I can get deep and "real" but it doesn't do jack shit for me. Shit, all my friends try to help me, but it's of no use, they can't see inside me, nor will they understand. Maybe it is because I will not let CEDU's treatment of me and others be okay, I refuse to let it go, because I don't know how. I have tried, but I'll get a flashback, or a nightmare, or hear something and it's right there again. The only thing I know is that a 230 grain Federal Hydra-Shok will take the pain away. But I ain't going out like that, not yet. I am not gonna let them have the last laugh. I want the last fucking laugh.
And as a side note....... Therapists have their work cut out for them I guess might be part of the problem. If I can get right down to it, then they have no way of going deeper, trying to root out a problem. And I refuse to take any medicine, I have seen what that shit does to people, when they were guinea pigging kids when I was up there. And they can't give me much direction, because all I hear when they say write, or visualize, or talk to your dad, or things like that, all I hear is staff yelling, and propheets and all this shit. I truly realize that it is their job to help me, but old habits die hard.

CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / My story.
« on: June 10, 2004, 06:31:00 PM »
I guess I am a little different. I want to see their children suffer in front of them. Ask any parent... that's pain. Let the sons and daughters pay for the sins of the parents. Course if they have no children, the by all means get to work on them. Field telephone to their genitals :evil:  :evil:  :evil:  :evil:

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