Fornits
General Interest => Open Free for All => Topic started by: DannyB II on June 24, 2010, 05:11:02 PM
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Wife says to husband,
"Bulls can have sex 3000 times a year, Why can't you !"
...Husband replies,
"Ask the bull if he sleeps with the same cow every night !"
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After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
...
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:rose: Deep Thoughts :rose: ........By Jack Handy.......
I think a mistake alot of us make is thinking the state appointed shrink is our friend.
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How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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LOL, good thread.
... :rose: Deep Thoughts :rose: ...... By Jack Handy ........
.... I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
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What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
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Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years.
When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the
truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."
...
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A woman comes running out of the elevator and runs over to the receptionist yelling “I was just raped on the elevator!”…… The receptionist says “oh my goodness do you know the man who did it?” The woman says “no I don’t but it was a city employee”….. The receptionist says “Was he wearing a badge or uniform?” The woman say “No”… the receptionist asks “Well how do you know it was a city employee? The woman says: “Because I had to do most of the work!”
...
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..... and now.... :rose: Deep Thoughts :rose: .... By Jack Handy....
..... Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
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While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.
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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, He sure did," said the cop and smiled.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
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One day, Murphy and O'Brien went deer hunting in the woods. They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view. With a nice clean shot, O'Brien bangs the buck. They drag it back to camp by the butt, but the antlers keep getting stuck. Another hunter says, "You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won't get stuck." They do, and Murphy yells, "Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck." O'Brien replies, "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from camp."
Now, that was a bad joke.
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Danny you are a joke for a week let alone a day...
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A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy’s farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word,
"fascinate."
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Billy said, "My cousin’s wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight."
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Tall grass
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
Very satisfying.
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The big squeeze...
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest manaround that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
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The economy is so bad that:Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by
the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
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History.... This is great
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it?Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.
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Danny B,
suckit, and whooter
walk into a bar......
NO wait............
THAT'S NOT FUNNY
sorry
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And now …… :rose: Deep Thoughts :rose: …. By Jack Handey
....As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
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Danny B,
suckit, and whooter
walk into a bar......
NO wait............
THAT'S NOT FUNNY
sorry
P.S.
It could be funny if you found me drunk. I walk into many bars, actually and get to walk back out. ;D
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Flying near Athens
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
...
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Goodluck Andrew July 19 at 9:44am
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes Gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie Score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, Tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since Defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
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Goodluck Andrew July 19 at 9:34am
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
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Goodluck Andrew July 19 at 9:29am
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
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If u can't handle me at my worst, u don't deserve me at my best!!
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PUNS JOKES
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He saw a person on the ground and yelled down to him, “Can you help me? I don’t know where I am.” The man replied, “Sure, I’ll help you. You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground...between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 & 60 degrees West longitude.”
“Wow, you must be an AA sponsor”, said the man in the balloon. “I am”, said the man, “but what gave me away?”
“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically right but I am still lost. Frankly you’re not much help at all and you might even have delayed my trip.”
“You must be an AA sponsee”, replied the man. The man in the balloon was amazed and said, “I am, but how did you know?”
The man on the ground said, “Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air. You are expecting other people to solve your problems and the fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow now IT’S MY FAULT” !
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a very sick wino was sitting in the day room of a detox waiting for the aa meeting to start.In popped a new young kid,about 18,eyes as big as saucers and sat at the table..This kids was tweaking on some strong dope mind you.....his hair was standing straight up like a afro,with bright colors,yellow,red,blue,orange streaks in it.
The wino just sat and stared at him.The nervous kid looked away,and could feel his stare burning in to the back of his head.He turned around and the wino was still staring at him.After several episodes of this,the kid could not take it anymore,and he jumped up and screamed,dangit old man,haven`t you ever got drunk and done something wild?
The old wino calmly said
sure kid
i got drunk and had sex with a parrot,and I was just wondering if you was my kid.....
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An old-timer comes home from his home group meeting, gets ready for
bed, and is on his knees saying his evening prayers.
He's in the middle of his "God blesses" saying "God bless the guy who
says the same thing no matter what the topic, God bless George, the
'cake lady,' God bless . . . " suddenly he pauses and looks up. Then
says, "You know God. I wonder if there is AA in heaven. If there isn't AA in heaven, I don't know if I want to go there. These folks are so important to me, I don't want to spend eternity without them."
There's a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder and then the olde timer hears a voice saying, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is AA in heaven. The bad news is ...............
........................................................... "You're speaking tomorrow night."
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SOMEBODY STOP ME!
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You Might Be An Alcoholic If:
...you loose your car at least once a week.
...you think alcohol abuse is spilling your drink.
...you buy your morning drink with a roll of pennies.
...on the way to the bathroom, someone's always stepping on your hands.
...you don't have any friends, just drinking buddies.
...you quit calling in sick. You let your wife do it.
...you pee in the kitchen sink while mixing another drink.
...selling beer cans seems like a weekly bonus.
...you celebrate getting out of jail by getting drunk.
...you decorate your Christmas tree with chains of beer tabs.
...no visit to a friend's house is complete until you've puked on their carpet.
...your job is interfering with your drinking.
...the toliet seat keeps hitting you in the back of the head.
...you think the sun shining in your face is God's flashlight telling you to get up and go home.
...you throw-up on purpose so you can hold more.
...it's normal to drive with one eye shut so not to see double.
...you order a keg of beer for your kid's first birthday party.
...you measure distance by how many beers it takes to get there.
...your main prayer is "God, get me out of this and I'll never drink again".
...you get the shakes so bad you could thread a sewing machine while it's running.
...you think your only drinking problem is when you're out.
...you are getting to the point that you're throughly disgusting.
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Now an Al-Anon joke:
How many Al-Anons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They just detach and let it screw itself.
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[attachment=0:hcyjj9s8]ChimpOnPenguins1.wmv[/attachment:hcyjj9s8]
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where does a king keep his armies?
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.................................................... in his sleavies
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why don't ghosts have kids??
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?...............
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cuz they have hallow weenies.
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What do you do after sex?
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Put the diaper back on! :rocker:
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Can you relate???
"Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
This is how it develops:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
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what is the difference between Danny Bennison and a bucket of shit ?
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the bucket.
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DOUGH- with which- to buy my beer
RAY- the guy I buy it frommmmmm
ME- the guy- who drinks the beer
FA- a long way to the barrrrrrr
SO- I'll drink another beer
LA- ger lager lager beeeeeeeer
TEA- no thanks I'l have a beer
and that brings me back to
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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what is the difference between Danny Bennison and a bucket of shit ?
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the bucket.
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
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:waaaa: :waaaa: :waaaa:
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:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: