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« on: February 09, 2009, 04:01:36 PM »
See pdf file. Note to Ginger and Psy; please get a better posting program that carries over spacing and options like bold print ect. from other programs like MS Word.
The person that I conducted the interview with asked for their name to be withheld.
How did you end up being sent to a behavior modification facility?
Really complicated, I was involved with this older guy and my parents found out and they called the police, sent me to a mental hospital, and then to cross creek they hoped to cure me of my "sexual confusion" and make me stop being defiant. I really hate that word "defiant", psssh
So you were in a homosexual relationship with another man?
A: Yes.
Q: How much older was he?
A: He was 24/25; I talked to the police while in the facility. By the way if I log off unexpectedly, that means I may or may not come back.
Q: What happened with the police investigation?
A: I don't know anything really, the court date hasn't happened or anything
Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Mostly in New York, Florida, and California. I've been in California for five or six years, before then moving around in New York to Florida
Q: Why did your parents feel sending you to Cross Creek was the best option?
A: I'm not sure, I guess because it was restrictive and they really didn't know anything about the place when they sent me there. They thought I was doing off-ground activities and they thought that they'd be able to phone and meet me after a month. They also thought it would "force" me to change as well. I'm not them, so I don't know, I can only guess
Q: What is the name of the facility you were sent to?
A: Cross Creek Programs
Q: Where is Cross Creek located?
A: LaVerkin, Utah. There were mountains, it was hot, I don't remember there being lots of places around
Q: How long were you supposed to stay?
A: As long as it takes to graduate, in the program's eyes. Or do you mean my parents?
Q: I mean how long were your parents told that you would be there?
A: I don't know, I didn't get that information. I think maybe the duration of summer.
Q: Did you graduate from the program at Cross Creek?
A: No.
Q: So why were you taken out of Cross Creek?
A: My parents took me out because they thought I made sufficient progress, they were running out of money, and my birthday was coming up. I didn't know I was going to leave until the day it happened. It was the day PC-1 was starting.
Q: What is PC 1?
A: Parent-Child one, it's a seminar. It’s usually the first time you meet your parents, you go usually after both you and your parents complete Discovery (another seminar) and you reached level three or been there for like six months. Or maybe five, because I was supposed to go if it wasn't for being pulled; I went to Discovery.
Q: Have your parents?
A: No. Oh I mean yes; they did go to Discovery. They were going to go to Focus, but I chose out of my first Discovery, and they wanted to be going to the seminars same time as me. I should've put quotes in "chose out."
Q: What do you mean by chose out?
A: It basically means you either voluntarily left or did not go to the seminar or you were kicked out by the facilitator because he believed you wouldn't doing enough and needed to re-do the seminar next time. But it was called "choosing out", because it was our actions that caused us to get kicked out. Thus, we kicked ourselves out. Parents are the only ones that can chose out voluntarily; regardless of how they were doing, they could stay.
Q: What was the environment at Cross Creek when you arrived?
It was very cold, which was weird because it was May. But it soon became very hot and around October it became cold again. It was a desert like environment; the sky was very blue, often cloudless.
Q: How was the facility?
A: Um, the boys’ side was a lot smaller than the girls’ side, or so I heard. I never been to the girls side except for a doctors run and I only seen a bit of it. It was kind of small; there weren’t a lot of places to go just a bunch of classrooms, a large dorm hallway, and the "old seminar room." The outside was pretty big; there was a computer lab too. But the computers didn't have internet access except to put in our points. It was a cat 4 to do anything on the computer besides enter your points or schoolwork. That included like, using the calculator program; there was a library too, but it wasn't very big either.
Q: How did the staff treat you when you arrived and after your parents had left?
A: Pretty kindly for the most part; I had a good relationship with most staff. There were "night staff" which were the ones that stayed overnight. They usually consisted of locals, some I considered a couple jerks. They'd shine flashlights on us once they arrived, I don't know if they did that later on since I usually fell asleep by then. But yeah, I had little trouble with the staff. Anything else? Oh, and by staff I don't mean directors therapists etc.
Q: How were the other students as far as their behavior?
A: Um, well they all seemed pretty okay; the ones that were "working" were just like whatever, typical program kids. The ones "non-working" were almost entirely on staff buddy, and they'd break rules on purpose, but mostly petty ones and weren't overly disruptive. If they irked staff enough, they'd get removed to SN. A couple of students tried to run and assaulted a staff with a chair but an upper level restrained the guy that did. We snitched on each other, obviously.
Q: What is SN?
A: Special Needs. I never went there, but it's like this place were a students will just sit there and the staff will watch them.
Q: Do you know anything else about Special Needs?
A: No, not really, I know if you weren't being compliant the staff would sit on you. I don't remember anyone staying overnight except those two that tried to run away and one other student because I think he pissed off either the director or radio 3 and wasn't being compliant. Special needs food was usually unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast and cheese sandwiches for lunch and dinner. If you were behaving, then you'd get to eat whatever food was being served as a sort of reward. I don't think you were allowed to talk in there or do anything; it was kind of like solitary confinement. But not really, because you weren't alone; just sitting in a tiny room, I was told they never shut the doors of the tiny room. That the doors are just there because it's required, but that the doors are always open and the staff watch them outside. There was only one SN on the boys’ side, and more than one on the girls'; if necessary, they'd bring one of the opposite sex on the other side. I think that's why they'd cover up the windows to SN sometimes
Since we couldn't look at the opposite sex, and everyone was required to evacuate from the hallways sometimes due to that. If someone from SN ever needed to use the restroom or shower or whatever; especially if it's the opposite sex.
Q: Did you see other students restrain other students often?
A: No, but I remember some upper levels asking a radio 3 if they were allowed to restrain a student if he was freaking out; the radio 3 said ideally it should never happen and most of the time there should be a staff to take care of the situation. But no, I never saw anyone really get restrained. Except for this one student who refused to go to SN and the staff grabbed his arm behind his back and pulled it up to make him get up. Once that same student was being taken through the hallway, and his arms and legs were held by staff and he was taken to SN.
Q: Are you saying that the upper level you mentioned earlier was the only time you saw a student restrain another?
A: Supposedly, restraint and freak-outs were more common on the girl's side. I didn't see it, I was asleep; I only heard about it. Oh, I remember the director restrained a kid during group; we all had to walk out of group except him so they could restrain him because he refused to get up so we just sat in the computer lab and talked; stuck in our chairs, I always hated that. Being stuck in the chair, since once you sat down, it was a cat 2 to get up w/o permission. Anything else?
Q: How was the food at Cross Creek?
A: Hmm, it was actually pretty decent. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad; sometimes I wouldn't eat the food I thought was gross. Kids kept saying they'd suggest to put me on food watch if I didn't start eating more
Q: What is food watch?
A: Oh, it's a watch you are put on (there are more, hygiene, suicide, run). In food watch, you are either required to eat 80% or 100% of every meal or you receive a cat 4 refusal.
Q: What does a cat 4 refusal entail?
A: The loss of two levels with minimum points and you are put on staff buddy with 30 tape credits. It's a somewhat serious offense.
Q: Were there education services at Cross Creek?
A: We did school at first every day, but then afterwards it became every other day. They started this thing where the teachers would move to the boys side and do school there one day, and the next on the girls. On the days without school would be group therapy and stuff like that. You just read a textbook and did a test on it. The teacher didn't lecture, just sat there and you asked him/her for help. Once you reached level 3 you could go do school at the computer lab. I never got to level 3 so I don’t know what it's like. I finished ninth grade in 5 months there; you could gain credits quickly. It was very easy to meet track requirements for the amount of tests you did. You were required to at least score an 80% if you got less; you just redid it. So you could never have less than a B-.
Q: How many levels were there in this system?
A: Six
Q: How long did it take usually to reach level six?
A: Oh, I don't know, maybe a little more than a year if you were doing well. The seminars prohibited us from moving through levels too quickly.
Q: How so?
A: Well, for example, to reach level four you need to graduate Discovery and Focus. So if you haven't finished Focus, then you are stuck on level three until you graduate Focus. The seminars come every two months, so you have to wait until seminar time and then not get kicked out. So it'd take four months minimum to reach level four. It'd be impossible to do less; and two months minimum to reach level three. I heard the program could take ten-twelve months if you are absolutely perfect; but that's very rare.
Q: I have been told that masturbation was against the rules at behavior modification facilities, did Cross Creek have a similar rule?
A: When I arrived, a lot of students went on level probation for masturbating and not knowing it was against the rules. It was a cat 5 to masturbate out of the shower during shower time. Which meant staff buddies, suicide watches, and hygiene watches could not masturbate ever. I was on suicide watch for a month and a half until I was able to use the regular showers. If you were staff buddy or suicide watch, you had to wash in the staff buddy stalls or locker room (if you were on the girls side) and it was five minutes and a cat 5 to masturbate in. Hygiene watches had to take showers in front of staff so obviously they couldn't masturbate either.
Q: Tell me how you got on suicide watch?
A: I went on the day I arrived, they just told me once the evening shift started I was on suicide watch
Q: So you didn't exude any kind of disturbed behavior or said that you were going to commit suicide?
A: Oh no, I had scratches on my arms once I arrived. My parents probably told my therapist I had tendencies. I was really emotionally distraught when I arrived; also our therapist had a tendency though to put students on suicide watch without much reason. One went on for refusing to do a confession letter.
Q: The therapist you mentioned works at Cross Creek?
A: Yes, every group had a therapist
Q: Tell me about the hygiene watches?
A: Hygiene watch? Oh, I don’t know much. No one I knew was on hygiene watch when I arrived, but one student was once on hygiene watch before I arrived. Some students also wanted to suggest me on hygiene watch because I wasn't brushing my teeth good enough and sometimes didn't. Hygiene watch was just like, I think they watched you shower and wash your hands to make sure you were actually doing it and using soap. Probably made sure you brushed your teeth.
Q: What were staff buddies like?
A: You went on staff buddy if you got a cat 4 or 5 or if the director/therapist wanted you on it. Staff buddies couldn't talk except for the "five staff buddy questions" which were:
1. General talk in the cafeteria over what food you did and did not want
2. Refilling your water bottle or asking to drink it
3. When you needed medication or when meds would be called
4. When you needed to go to the bathroom
5. Emergencies
They had to wear orange shirts mostly, yellow if they were suicide/run as well, or teal if they were like really accountable and "working." Teal staff buddies were rare.
Q: Were those on staff buddy the only ones that had to ask for a water bottle?
A: Everyone had water bottles. Staff buddies on the girl's side needed permission to drink from them. For some reason rules on the girls side were stricter; staff buddies on the girls’ side when using the bathroom had to keep their hands on their feet and asked permission to take them off. In the bathroom stalls you could see the feet so yeah. Staff buddies couldn't have seconds if they were called. Staff buddies also couldn't watch weekend movies or acknowledge it. They spent most of the time in Worksheets; which was this room where you listened to tapes about like famous people or books and you'd answer a questionnaire on it. Based on how many you got right, you would drop tape credits. If you got up to 29 tape credits, you could be off staff buddy if you are behaving if not, then you needed to get to 0.
Q: So when you mention tape credits they are worksheet related?
A: Yes, there's a process called BFO. BFO stands for "butt falls off." Meaning you’re on staff buddy until your butt falls off. Every day, your tape credits reset to 100. I sometimes felt bad for the students that had to spend days and weeks on staff buddy. They finished their tapes and were behaving but they still couldn't get off.
Q: So in order to get off staff buddy students had to get their tape credits down to 0 from 100?
A: Or 29, it depends if your therapist or director says you can be "off under 30" or "off under 0." You could also get tape credits and not be on staff buddy if you got "under zero demerits", which meant if you didn't have the points to take care of a cat; you'd get 10 tape credits. Even if you are off staff buddy, you still need to finish your tapes until it reaches 0. But if you have tapes and are off staff buddy, you have more privileges and stuff. Except when you go to worksheets; you can talk to other students and talk outside of five staff buddy questions.
Q: How were basic medications such as basic pain relievers provided?
A: I didn't know if they gave those out. Any meds given out were received during meds time. The nurse would be at her little station thing and you'd be in line and get whatever was needed. The nurse would watch you to make sure you took your meds and didn't like hide it in your mouth. You also couldn't touch any pill you got it had to be dumped in your mouth. If you refused a medication that you were put on, then it was a cat 4 refusal. I think since they didn't force you to take them, just punish you for it, it wasn't a violation of a right. But it was a big deal of a punishment. If you keep getting cat 4s you will make no progress; and you would be stuck on staff buddy.
(9:42:10 PM): Was medication or medical care ever denied?
Not that I'm aware of. One student had a complaint about how he was being given the wrong medication. I never had meds, I only went there for like lip balm and stuff.
Q: What were the seminars like that you mentioned earlier?
A: Oh, way too long to explain entirely. I only went through Discovery, and it was like it was co-ed, so like girls sat on one side of the room and boys on the other. You could only talk to the opposite sex on-task
Q: What was the purpose behind the seminars?
A: To change you or "give you tools." You went through all these processes and did all these things and you had to share a lot. About sensitive things or shameful things; to like "discover your magical child." Just like modify your behavior, you know; once the seminar was over, you got a "seminar high." Which was where you felt like super chipper and amazing and like, kind of like a manic episode a way; it would go away though after a while.
Q: How did students participate in seminars?
A: They raised their hand, shared, gave feedback, if the facilitator asked a question, you'd raise your hand and they called on you maybe. They did the processes too. That was necessary; you had to do the processes. You also had to do homework; which I found really hard because we didn't have that much time to do it. There was like a minimum of how long it needed to be and you had to do stupid things to it that were different each time so nobody copied each other. Such as writing outside the margins or over the lines or in the whitespace or whatever; I just wanted to get it done. I didn't have time to like elaborate. But that's kind of what you needed to, it couldn't be "bare minimum."
Q: What kinds of life events were brought up at seminars?
A: Oh, like um what things did people share about?
I don’t know if I feel comfortable revealing specific things. I don’t know, I guess like things like if you were raped or mistreated, or like even little things you felt your father hated you. It was just whatever made you feel crappy about yourself; and would make you burst into tears
Q: I was told by another student at another program that when she attended seminars the staff told her that it was her fault she was raped, did things like that happen at the seminars you attended?
A: Probably in Focus maybe, not in Discovery. Discovery was the beginner's thing; they wouldn't get that extreme in Discovery. They told us like we were accountable for everything; if we died in a plane crash, we are accountable for it because we chose to go on the plane. Children dying in India, we're accountable for it. Something we could have done different, even if there was no way to know. Also like, accidents don't happen. It also depended on the facilitator; the way they did things was different the way they treated students, what they told them etc.
Q: Were your parents told about the same things in their seminar?
A: I don’t know, it was probably watered down. I know they said things like, why you need to keep your child in the program and not to feel guilty about it. I never went to the parents' discovery, so I don’t know
Q: What was the worst thing about your stay at Cross Creek?
A: I don't really know. Lots of things sucked, but I don’t know what was the worst. The way they treated my sexuality was kind of shitty. I became all confused and ashamed a bit; but maybe it was justified. I mean, that I'm not sure about. I mean, it's like I remember when I was sucking on a popsicle and in group I was like, I guess "roasted." I was saying I was not doing it in a sexual trying-to-attract-attention way, but then my therapist was like:"are you actually saying the entire group is wrong and all their perceptions?"
Something like that. I felt really like crappy about that, because it was like, everyone perceived that way, so maybe it was right. I was put on a process where I was forbidden to talk about homosexuality or bisexuality. I was allowed to talk about straight sex and stuff, but I didn't want to, I just pretended I couldn't talk about sexuality in general. I was told the guy I was with didn't care about me, manipulated and molested me even though I disagreed with it. I eventually came to believe it, but once I came back it started dispelling. The forced confession letters, being forced to talk about things you didn't want to or do things in therapy. I mean, it was coerced therapy and stuff. Like, I felt ashamed for wanting to have sex for example while I was there. I felt like such a disgusting person for it. I'm not sure if that's mine or cross creek's fault though. You know? Like, when it comes to whether or not the place was bad, I'm sometimes not sure. I still sometimes feel guilty because maybe I'm wrong but generally, I think the place was awful. I also hated how everything had to be told to your parents like there was no privacy between you and your therapist. It was like, I always felt dirty because it was a cat 4 to not take care of a single category. For example, a cat 3 to even look at someone's handwriting for a split-second and I also felt like I had to talk about everything and do these big shares and it caused anxiety and choosing out of seminars. That's it. They also shaved our heads, I hated that, I felt ugly
Q: What was the best thing about your stay at Cross Creek?
A: Well, the thing I benefited from was the sort of happy feeling after finishing a seminar, some of the seminar processes. The friendships you'd make with peers or staff. After a while, I stopped wanting to go home bizarrely. All the kids said it was weird of me and that I was essentially there voluntarily since my parents asked things like "do you think you’re ready to come home" and whatever. I wanted everyone's approval, and I wanted to be an upper level that would help out all the lower levels. It was exciting, like, the idea of helping people, because that made you like… I don’t know… likeable? Wonderful? That's it
Q: How is your relationship with your family now?
A: crap.
Q: Can you elaborate?
A: Heh, sure. I don’t know, I still get depressed and angry over being sent there and what my parents did to me and the guy. Also they don’t accept my sexuality. So now I'm back in California and living with m y biological father. I hold lots of resentment and feel really angry at my mother. I just think she's very umm…I don’t know. I guess like illogical and also like in a bit of denial as well. Also unfair I guess, because like I just mention the guy's name and my mother freaked out and said: "CHILL OUT! CHILL OUT! GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO NOT GO BACK TO CROSS CREEK." Despite the fact I said it in a calm voice. I don’t know, my mother actually got mad at me and tried to punish me for not wanting to buy a bike. She wants me to get married and have children and find me a wife. She always asks if I think a girl is cute and that she can arrange a marriage for me. Like now, because we're Gypsies, so early marriages are the norm.
Q: Is there anything you want to add?
A: No, not really.
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