Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - jnloar

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / hello old friend
« on: January 26, 2004, 04:04:00 AM »
[ This Message was edited by: jnloar on 2004-01-26 02:04 ]

[ This Message was edited by: jnloar on 2004-01-26 02:06 ]

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / just another DALLAS thread...
« on: January 26, 2004, 02:49:00 AM »
and this would be the kettle calling you out as I should be doing the same thing but feel exactly like you as far as getting up and getting in bed...

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / just another DALLAS thread...
« on: January 26, 2004, 02:35:00 AM »
go to bed sweet have to be completely exhausted and as much concern as we each have, we do each have lives we must live.  So go snuggle up with that precious man who loves you and close your eyes for the night.  Talk to you tomorrow.
Sweet dreams friend...Jen

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / edited
« on: January 26, 2004, 01:42:00 AM »
who are you talking to?

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Survivor weekly check in thread
« on: January 25, 2004, 09:20:00 PM »
I hope this stays on thread Brad because I think it is a great idea.  My week has not been one I will be putting down to remember.  My heart hurts right now. I know that it is part of the risk that comes with trying relationships but disappointment and rejection hurt regardless of how many times it happens or how old I get and this one is no different.  Well, actually maybe a little different, it just had been going so well and the curve ball he threw me was so unexpected that it has knocked me over for a minute.  I will survive, I always do but it is unreal to me how quicky that old Straight crap comes up.  I instantly heard those confrontations of what a fat, unlovable bitch I was and bammm...instantly, it is my fault even though it is not.  So just trying to do my best and be the best I can be even if I am hurting because I know it is so minor in comparasion to so many.  Thanks for letting me say that, I always feel guilty for being sad when we have a war going on, so many people dying every day, here and abroad.   Does anyone else ever feel selfish feeling sad for themselves knowing the suffering others have that is so much worse?  I do and then it builds up and puts me in a mini tail spin for a while.  Ignore me, I am just having a sad weekend.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / edited
« on: January 20, 2004, 06:01:00 AM »
I am pretty sure I remember your friend.  Wasn't she fairly tall with long, straight brown hair and very quiet?  If you ever are in touch with Ed Frimmer please tell him hello for me...we had a true love/hate relationship but he could make me laugh even in the blackest of moods which was pretty much 99% of the time.  I have fond memories of him.  As far as Jeff Spearman goes, he came from Florida and made his way to Sr staff.  He was about 6ft, skinny, brown hair and a somewhat large nose.  Highly confrontational, one who would come across chairs.  His girlfriend was Ellen Savage and he was on staff with Steve, Cameron Riley, Steve Atkinson, Spencer Sale.  In the old building, was not ever in Irving.  Used to drive this orange Toyota that looked like a bug - what was that?  Keith House had one to.  But he actually may have been gone by 11-88 because I commenced in 12-88 and was the last commencee out of the old building and he was off staff when I graduated.  I think the girl you are thinking about was either Carmen York or Michelle Raulston, there was also a girl named Stacy, not Elliff, a larger girl from Midland who was confronted alot also.  Chad Barnes was also one who was mercilessly ripped on.  I did not know Dave that well outside of Straight - we never really liked each other - I must have missed the stories of the animal killings.  I would have raged at him had I ever heard them as I never lost my compassion for animals, even in that place.  The absolute scariest thing about that is the fact that, and I believe this is the right number, 93% of all serial killers/and or rapists were animal torturers or killers in their youth.  One of the places I volunteer here in Dallas is a no-kill shelter and what I have seen done to animals by children is unreal.  I cannot tell you how many times I have had to rush to the bathroom to vomit when an abused animal is brought in.  I look around at my four babies laying around and every one of them came home with me from there and to think that children think it is okay to set fire to, break legs for fun just sickens me. I truly hope he got help but because he pretty much thought I was a bitch and I help him in the same regard, I did not get to know him much out of there.  We were on staff together but he thought I was a snob and we did our best to avoid being on the rapstool together.  Glad you checked in and hope that all is well with you.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / edited
« on: January 20, 2004, 03:56:00 AM »
That was Michelle Raulston.  She and Carmen York are two people I hope eventually find this place because I made both of their lives hell and would like for them to know that I am aware of how wrong I was.

Also, thanks so much for the info on my intake tape.  I am trying to track that place down, actually figure out what happened to it after it closed.  If you know, please let me know.  

Timmy, you most likely have an intake tape somewhere.  They did not tell you they were recording it.  It was the part of your intake where your parents would say that they were admitting you and you basically either said please god, NO!!! but since we were underage it did not matter.  the recorder would be on the execs desk but we were not told it was on.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / edited
« on: January 20, 2004, 03:49:00 AM »
thank you sweet friend...I am going to PM you when I get done here with the numbers I found.  you singularly inspire me to believe that, I too, will find that special love in my life that will finally close the last of the wounds from that hellhole

[ This Message was edited by: jnloar on 2004-01-20 00:50 ]

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / edited
« on: January 17, 2004, 07:49:00 PM »
Sweet Brad - you are such a doll to stick up for me.  I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time.  Please send me a PM if I can do anything to lend you some encouragement or can do anything else for you.  Kelly, I am glad you were able to read my post and hope you know how truly sorry I am for the pain and shame I exposed you to. Reading about people who I know I had a direct impact on and knowing they have found some sembelance of understanding and happiness in their lives does make my heart smile and I am so glad you met a man who treats you exactly the way you deserve.

I am going to only be speaking for myself here - as much as it hurts my heart to read about what a bitch I was, I feel strongly that this forum is made for exactly those kinds of releases.  I know how mean and vicious I was and it causes me plenty of guilt, shame and sadness but let's call a spade a spade...that was my job, what they trained me to do and I got plenty of ego from the fact that I recieved praise from staff for doing such a 'good job' of holding people accountable...makes me gag today.  Why do you think I was one who did OMR and CMR so much and not the feely raps?  I am not proud of it by any stretch of imagination but look at how different people's perceptions are of different people.  Timmy liked Will Woods - I would have raged against him had I ever had the chance - he was horrid to me.  Stephen and Jeff Spearman had the same rep I did and Timmy did not like Jeff because he rode him like crazy, yet those two helped me so much to just hang on.  Will would confront me on being a fat, spoiled, ugly brat and without fail, within 24 hours one of them would have taken me out of group on a 1:1, usually outside to tell me to ignore him and that I was none of the things he drilled into my head.  I had a huge soft spot for Tripp Wall because his parents were friends with mine and my dad's best friend who lives in Denver.  I think Timmy did a great job of describing staff as far as the training and responsibilities.  We were not given people to pick on but we did have lists of people to deal with and we each did it our own way - mine was 98% of the time mean and sarcastic.  The rage I had against that place that I had completely swallowed came out all over people when I was on staff.  I remember vividly when that rage came and stayed.  When I was on 1st phase - I talked in girls rap about being molested as a child and being raped at 14. When we got back into regular group they stood me up and ripped me for lying and sat me on the guy's side.  I FREAKED OUT and was restrained by five guys - great therapy for someone who had been raped 5 months prior...I was sat over there for 2 weeks and I know that is when the true rape of my pysche happened and I just gave in. Some may say it was a survivor method to collapse into their way of thinking - I just knew I had to protect myself and if it meant screaming, raging or whatever else I would do it.  As far as going on staff, I won't use the excuse I had to - I was brainwashed completely by that time and honestly at that time I had no idea of what a world without Straight would be.  My parents supported it, I had no friends other than people in Straight and I truly thought I believed in Straight at that time.  I know that is SO hard for you to understand.  I think that being on 4th and 5th phase the true conversion was sealed.  You were given some power again over lower phasers and a little bit more praise from staff.  The place was set up to make everyone believe they were absolute shit and the only way to redeem yourself was to be "straight" and 4th and 5th is when this 'redeeming' started but the catch was you had to live the 'straight' way or you were ostracised and put back on 1st phase.  The place was completely fucked and there is no logical explanation for staff or the treatment we dished out.  I so wish there was a way to help you understand.  I still struggle with it - it is by far the part of Staight that haunts me the worst.  I can deal with what happened to me - I had to or I would have been stuck forever but accepting that I ever was part of ripping other's souls apart still eats me when I allow myself to wallow too much.  All I can do is focus on who I am today and know that I do my best every day to nurture as many people I can and make this world a bit better.  I cannot speak for Kathy David - I did not know her that well.  I do feel that I can speak for Stephen as I knew him out of Straight and I can only tell you that who he was outside of that building was 180' from the staff memeber he presented.  I believe that part of why he never recovered from that place and kept returning to drugs is because he could not live with the guilt.  I hope that will help you as I feel very certain that if he could express his emotions about his behavior it would be similiar to mine and he would hope for all those who were hurt by him to know he was searching as much as the rest of us and surviving the only way he knew how to after being in that hellhole.  I know how hard that is to accept and if I can help you in any other way please let me know.  To return to my original thought, I encourage people to vent about the staff who hurt them, even it was me because I know it is essential for healing to take place.  If old staff reads it, they have two choices and I hope they will be able to handle the truth of what they were in Straight and allow others to heal and not try to deny that they caused plenty of pain, regardless of the fact that they were products of the program also.  I know I was a product of evil but I also was part of it and will not try to offer up anything other than how sorry I am and had I known then what I do today I would have been trying to rescue them not hurt them.  Hang in there sweet Brad - and seriously - let me know if I can help.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / ,
« on: January 16, 2004, 01:00:00 AM »
Do you have any of your old stuff you would be willing to let go of?  COC's, those stupid fucking amend and friendship letters we used to have to write.  I am working on a book about Straight and would love any stuff like that.  Also, the producers of the documentary Straight Kids, Inc are very interested in old MI's and the like.  I can get you in touch with them if you are interested.  I will buy stuff from you if you are willing to let go of it.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / ,
« on: January 16, 2004, 12:55:00 AM »
I think it all started with Clayton Williams.  Then they got some of the wealthy families here in The Park Cities addicted to that place.  Casy Aldridge was one, David Tompkins, Lacy Carlson.  I cannot remember them all but for a while HP kids were getting put into Straight like mad.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / ,
« on: January 16, 2004, 12:52:00 AM »
She was from Dallas and was a misbehavior most of the time she was there.  She was about 5'3, dark black hair, dark olive skin.  She was a beautiful girl.  Her parents were older and I think she was adopted but that may have been another one of my newcomers.  She was strong as hell for such a small girl and she also was one of the biters on the girls side.  I just remember her having so much pain in her eyes and she never seemed to acquire that lifeless look that most of us had.  She got restrained quite a bit because she was a carver but she would do serious damage - not just some scratches - but bad cuts into herself.  Did you get my email last week?

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / ,
« on: January 16, 2004, 12:27:00 AM »
Ceaser is a cop in Celina, Tx.  I don't know if he is the chief but he is still there.  Celina is about 30 miles north of Dallas off Preston Road.  I think Doug told me he had two kids and a wife.  Sadly Gena Golden killed herself in 1992.  I spent some time with her after she got pulled but she started using again and her parents kicked her out.  When I moved to Atlanta she was living with her boyfriend and about three months later my mom called and told me.  Does anyone know what happened to Shea Garrett and did Shawn really get thrown in jail for having sex with a client?

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / edited
« on: January 16, 2004, 12:13:00 AM »
Remember how crazy I was about sweet Stephen?  I knew I never had a chance because he was so crazy about you.  I remember our first real conversation about how I felt and how amazingly kind and understanding you were.  Why do I think we had that convo sitting in a closet somewhere? I also believe I know the true Stephen and it breaks my heart to think of him and how Straight took so much of him away.  He was my champion while I sat on fifth phase for over 18 months with Will Woods always telling me I was FOS and would not commence until I got honest.  Stephen was so dear to me - we went to school together out in Rockwall and he would drive me into the building and his pep talks about not giving in were like little presents for me.  I wish I knew what he ever saw in the crazed wench Tracy.  I remember driving him out to her house in BFE somewhere to get some of his stuff and she totally flipped and followed us down the street screaming trying to jump on the back of my car.  He did love you - it was always so apparent.  I remember some song by The Cure or The Smith's that he always said was Leslie's song but I cannot remember for the life of me what it was.  I loved him and Jeffery Spearman so much - they were so fine to me and they would both pull me out of raps if they knew that Will was going to try to confront me in front of group and let lower phasers confront me.  They both were so dear and had such true tenderness and goodness in their souls.  I know it was the guilt and confusion that came from having their souls stripped that led them to true addiction (as it seems to have done to so many others) once they left Straight.  They actually were instrumental in me finally getting the idea of brain washing wrapped around my brain and help to gain an understanding of how I could have ever been such a vicious bitch as a upper phaser and staff member.  I remember the deprogrammer that I worker with asking me one day if there was anyone in Straight that I truly thought was a good person who had just been made "evil" (which is how I saw myself) because of Straight.  Immediately I said Stephen Brooks and Jeffery Spearman.  We talked about how we had all succombed to the 'survival process' and become victims of the cultish ways.  I give some credit to those two beautiful souls with helping me find forgiveness for myself and be honest enough in these posts and others to state how much self hatred I felt and make amends to those I hurt because of that place.  I cried for hours when I read that Jeffery had OD'ed.  Just FYI...I looked up Stephanie in the Texas State Bar listing and she must have gotten married or stopped practicing because she is not listed as a practicing attorney in Texas.  I also have done some searching for Stephen in SA and found a few Stephen's and Steve's listed but have been too chicken shit to call them.  I worry that if he has gotten on his feet that any blast from the past would knock him down and I would never want to do that to him.  I will pass them on to you privately if you want them.  Take sweet care friend.

Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Pysical Abuse
« on: January 05, 2004, 08:14:00 PM »
I have no idea why you feel you have any right to make a comment about what happened to people in Straight.  If I remember correctly and by your title, you were a counselor at SAFE, NOT Straight.  I tolerated you on the Safe site because I was not in that program and even though we disagreed, there seemed to be mutual understanding that perhaps the programs were different.  Now you are on my turf and it is offensive and rude for you to discount what DID happen in Straight.  You owe every single survivor of Straight a sincere apology.  There are years of documented abuse and testimony from many, many survivors and their parents.  I don't know what you are trying to prove but kindly keep it where it belongs....preferably stuffed back up your trap but at the very least, off this site of people trying to heal from the very real abuse they did suffer in Straight.

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4