Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

One problem for me is just the word program. It invites the worst connotations.

Unfortunately, my parents could not do a google search to read the pros and cons of a particular program. Today, there are more opportunities for due diligence, but many people still trust "the experts." Many people are still afraid to accept offspring who simply think unconventionally. And youths are so criminalized that no weight is given to their voices when they attempt self advocacy. It is labeled "manipulation." Kids in programs really have no voice or recourse because they are dismissed as troubled, and in fact, programs will often entrench the stigma and heighten the level of familial distrust to unprecedented levels.  They look for opportunities to foment distrust because it isolates the kids from the parents, and effectively disempowers both youths and parents.

In a way, programs often dial things up when things don't need to be so dramatized.

I have 3 parents of students who have sent their kids to programs. In two cases, the parents could not accept their child was unconventional. In one case, the parent wanted to "re-educate" their gay child.  That one really broke my heart. In all three cases, the parent trusted the program because Jesus was in the mission statement. I can think of a million better ways to "treat" these children - none of them in a program.

We can blame parents all day long but why compound the problem by sending kids to a place that teaches them to label and distrust themselves?  You don't have to stand up and say, My Name is Bill and I am an alcoholic to recognize you have a problem.  I shouldn't have to adopt other people's values in order to bolster my self esteem and self efficacy. I shouldn't have to adhere to a group treatment when it is has nothing to do with what works for me as an individual.  You put a sane person in a loony bin and its no surprise they begin to absorb the environment.

One thing, too, that bothers me about many programs is that the staff become an insular cult clique and lose connection with the outer world. They often become too attached to institutional ideology and apply a very narrow program paradigm to all things and all people.

I do believe that many kids do need help, support, guidance, mentorship, love, and natural consequences.   The question is: Can you really get that in a program?  There are so many ways to grow and institutionalized growth rings inorganic and untrue to me.

I guess I will never know as I am not a pot smoker, and from the sound of it, I'd have to be a regular to soak in its educational attributes. To me,it's primary benefits are medicinal or mood altering. I just don't see it as a teacher... peyote and mushrooms I can understand, because they break through cognitive dimension.

I don't do those either though.

The only truly educational aspect of marijuana that I can see is that use over time relaxes constraints that allow more open mindedness.

If I toked all day, every day, I'd just be even more inclined toward sedentary living.

Hard to be jaded especially reading the write-up on Chuck and Carolyn's "stellar" qualifications. It totally disgusts me these people are allowed to practice.  At this point, I could give a sh!t about 20 years ago, but I am a teacher and would not like any of my students to be at the mercy of these emotional rapists.

I am sorry you having such a difficult time. I know how it is. The helplessness, and the feelings of futility.  I think the thing that has pulled me through the hardest times was knowing I had to be strong for my kids. And eventually, I just became stronger.

Two months is a blip on the screen compared to the totality of your life. You may have to hunker down a bit. Money issues can stress a relationship for sure, especially if your partner is also financially strapped. I'm not sure of your partner's perspective. Absolutely, when you love someone and you have a rich shared life based on love, compatibility, and team work, it is reasonable that she would weather through this. I think the key is that she feels you are trying to lighten the load in some manner, even if it is with chores. Also, it may be that your attitude is affecting your relationship. I don't know that you have an attitude, but I know when some people are out of work or out of commission they feel more depressed, angry, or futile than usual and that takes a toll on the partner. They may understand to a point, but then they want to see you pull yourself up by your bootstraps - if not financially, then emotionally and mentally. Not so easy on command, I know.

Sometimes things seem so overwhelming, you just get tired of trying to come up with options, and that can be defeating. I know this sounds really stupid, but bear with me. I've had some difficult times and I had to get through them mostly by myself.

I had to make it seem manageable and also feel like I was accomplishing something – anything. So I took index cards and put a heading on them - say your top three problems/goals, etc. And then, I wrote baby steps of action plans. Little steps, small enough that I could do that one step and could cross it out, and then move to step two.  It gave me a sense of purpose and got me through grad school, finding a job after years of being a stay at home mom (who fled an abusive situation with nothing), and even things like coming up with medical care for my kids. Some cards would be like a brain storming session, and then I would organize steps. For some reason, this gave me purpose and helped at a critical time.  It kept me focused. It kept me from feeling overwhelmed. That and a sense of humor saved me.

Sometimes, you just find that you get one little break –one break- that is edifying enough to lift you out of the funk. It has a snowball effect that is gradual and then sudden, and you realize you can look back and exhale.

Accept help if offered.  Everyone needs a little help to get by. Sometimes it’s currency, sometimes just a smile. You’ll have plenty of chances to pay it forward later.

Auntie Em: All of these questions are posited in propheets. The typical answer is bludgeoned into you by the end of it. You may venture your own, but basically the staff members bait and switch until you accept their version of the correct answer.  Some students were adept enough to guess what the staff wanted them to say and just handed it over on a platter straightaway - problem was, we still had to eat what was spoon fed.  If they asked you the following questions, there is an expectation of the "right" answer.  

What's your lie?  (never mind - we'll make up another one; or we'll just exploit and distort your story to our benefit)

What does your little kid look like?  (some pitiful, neglected wastrel who needs to be re-nurtured into a Stepford child).

How are you using your Brothers?  If you're using it to snitch, bully, and humiliate, you're doing a good job!

What's your nightmare?  Cedu. Definitely Cedu.

How are you choosing death?  Whenever I deviate from The Program.

What's your thinking telling you?  It wants to tell you to fuck off... but let me re-phrase so we can move on to the next victim.

I'll tell ya this--the serious speech and physical disabilities incurred by his stroke in no way impeded him from his love of  the ladies! That coot! I remember thinking, good thing this guy is somewhat limited or us lady folks would be in a world of trouble!

It pisses me off that Jackie would be irresponsible enough to hire Caroline at her  own school knowing that C. abused students at RMA. DISGUSTING! There is no way Jackie didn't know. Sick fucks.

Alia: It is still good you wrote to them, because even if they feel that way now, it might plant a seed... for later or for hindsight.