made me a rock

[lookatmenowbitch]

people are so unaware of how i feel inside partly because i am a rock now.
i have been mentally abused to the point of insanity.
people think that the insane are not normal people. infact though, that is their cover.
    i would sit in a rap listening to people scream, at me, and not hear the words they were throwing at my face. WHORE, SLUT, CRAZY, UGLY, FAT.  and if i said something back which i always did if i didnt just sit there and take it, i would be laughed at and shut down to the point where i would be laughing at them inside thinking of the way theyre faces would be if i had killed myself in the most horrifying way ever at cedu. they would keep yelling of how i had not said a word the whole time, and me being me saying a good comeback like
"how could i, your mouths have been open the whole rap. i dont like to interupt." or look around and say "my god is it time for me to talk already?" in a sarcastic tone of absolute hate.
i was hurt, ridicouled, stabbed in the back, tormented,and my heart was horrendously torn apart by staff and students*...

*the staff were not the only ones who have done the pain causing...im not sayin the staff were rightim just saying students have done many outrageous things to go out of there way to hurt another student for really petty reasons.
**many reasons were the same the staff had.

i would say more but then that would leave less posts for me to talk about...
here are some quotes that i made and if i have accedently said someone elses then im sorry... i tried to think of my own.

 

i have died only once,
next time i will be in my coffin.
-noelle

you get hurt once,
you understand.
you get hurt twice,
you feel it.
you get hurt three times,
your heart stings.
the last time,
automatic death.

-noelle (not my best but a start.


when you tell a grown adult to erase bad memories,
you tell the child inside to erase the hope of a good future.

-noelle (getting better)


if you leave a wounded heart to rot,
you will forever leave the mending to stall.

 - noelle (my favorite other than the first one i ever wrote)

[Roy]

Thank you for your perspective. I do believe you, and I feel for you, because I saw this pain in so many kids daily at BCA. I tried to soften that pain and humiliation for kids, but I could do so little with so much abuse going on. You speak wise and powerful words.

Thank you

[OvenFresh]

I hated being at BCA.  It was constant brain noise.  But I had some of the best times of my life there.  I thought I would never say that, and I was wrong.  All the mischiveous adventures, making new friends from across the country.  The Drama was twice as entertaining as "Days of Our Lives."  The good times were great.  Some people might know who this is if I tell this..but shit....who cares.  I dreaded raps, but to make them interesting, constantly tapping your eardrum, which causes an unusual audio effect, got me through 90% of raps.

[Antigen]

That which does not kill you can make you stronger, but I really never needed to be this strong.
Scott Wagner

On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind.
--Thomas Jefferson, U.S. President, author, scientist, architect, educator, and diplomat

[Oppositional Defiance]

I really liked that quote, Antigen

O-P-P

(Yeah, you know me...)

[Anonymous]

there is nothing else i could say to you but DITO

[blownawaytheidahoway]

the emotion i feel in relating to CEDU is sadness, mostly, but there is a lot of anger. What hurts me most is that the cost of the time there has been so expensive...so long. I feel like I'm rehabilitating slowly, yet I feel loss at time passing. Life wasting now and since it is impossible to relate normally to those I'm supposed to "love", I rot thinking about what more I could be, what more could I feel so strongly? Why did I have to make so much work of RMA and bridging gaps with my parents? CEDU EDUCATION makes me grieve everyday, still. It will not rest until I do. It has cost me much pain in considering this pesky family dynamic. I rely on acceptance from an empty well. It takes a long time to fill a well that is empty. Filling it costs me confronting my 'thinking'. Paralysed by self hatred, I am urged to be strong and try not to be such a drip. Get over it and move on...sleep fitlessly and dream of large women. 8 hours at a stretch. Be normal for gods' sake. You're so irreverent. Why do you curse so much? Do you know how to talk less directly? or in inuendo? endo? y not.
fuck cedu, it makes me sad and angry.

pounding pillows and trust counseling might be good if only...it worked. If I'm really honest though I know it is the only therapy that can purge cedu, since we can't burn it down anymore. Now that is a regret I have to say I burden. If I had done that at fourteen- burnt RMA starting with the wood corral and House, I would be a CHEERY HAPPY WELL-ADJUSTED man in agreement with his environment. What a shame it was an unlived fantasy that would have proven truly JUST.

[Anonymous]

I understand. The shit we went through those years ago was not normal and not helpful. I also sleep fitfully and often dream of CEDU. I lay awake at night thinking about work assignments and whether or not my rock path is still there. I wonder how it is that I am completely out of touch with people who I knew there. I think about other people in the program a lot of them I hardly knew. I remember the older students when I was just an invisible new kid. We were told they were strong, and had mastered struggle and that we would too if we trusted in the program and opened ourselves up and committed hari kari publicly. Another lie that was. The truth was that CEDU makes you more depressed the more you think about it, and yet thinking about it less is done only with the remarkable powers of substance "abuse". It's a fucking catch 22: once you realize how much they screwed with your head and trying to get it out, the more often you confront these people in your dreams and thinking about them in familial relationships. It was total absorbtion at the time. Don't forget that you were completely absorbed into something. Totality. then what? can you remember.?
I remember not thinking about CEDU at all for a couple of years, but shirking when it was brought up by friends or family and the lurching sickening feeling I would get when I heard program music especially, but even just the lingo. It just took a while to re-adjust, trying to forget. And you know, for a while, I really did. I got some think-right when it was time to grow up though.
It does however suck to not know what happened to the people I was there with...why should I give a fuck, I didn't even like 'em to begin with. But I know we shared something, and I'd hate to think I'm the only one this tender about the whole issue. so many years later.

[try another castle]

and yet thinking about it less is done only with the remarkable powers of substance "abuse".

uhh... therapy  helps, too.

[Anonymous]

not so far.

[shanlea]

Your post really resonated in terms of spelling out why I hate CEDU. Especially the part of how the staff rewarded students who adopted the same abusive communication tactics they did.  It was a bully's haven. I think of my more troubled students from last year and imagine them in a place like CEDU and I know from the bottom of my heart that at the end of the day, this place would only calcify them further.

I remember when I saw these horrible bullies in raps and how staff would just sing them flowery praises about how "powerful" they were. There is no doubt in my mind these students grew up to be verbally abusive husbands or wives wondering why nobody "got it."

I split from CEDU knowing I would have to become this to survive the school, and I couldn't. But I do know that when I left there was one thing different about me than when I came in.  I became oddly disassociated with my capacity to feel or connect with people in a wholehearted fashion.  CEDU was so fucked up that I just couldn't relate to "normal" people anymore, and I also didn't trust anyone after being in a place where even your peers are exploiting your innermost feelings.

[Papa Rossi]

Ah shut your mouth you whiny fool. Those little maggots needed all the reaming they could get. If a few kids who got it decided to help out, more power to them!

[Anonymous]

Do you include yourself as one of those little maggots who needed a good reaming?

[Papa Rossi]

A foolish question. Obviously you have no idea who I am.

[Anonymous]

Don't know, and don't care to know.