I never knew how lucky I was. I always thought I had it worse than most because my family got mired in this mindfuck when I was just 6 or 7 years old. But really that saved me a lot of trouble. That and having my dad around like an angry, leprichaun/mime; speaking and acting out subtle and not so subtle comentary on the whole thing. That's not to say that he never tasted the kool-aid. He did sometimes. But other times he spit it out and cursed it. That helped immensely and I doubt he even knew it.
See, by the time I landed on front row, none of this bullshit was a shock. I had had the luxury of taking my sweet time, too young to be the focus of it, watching more or less from the sidelines and secretly, privately drawing my own conclusions. It all sucked. And I didn't quite understand it all.
But none of it was a shock, except for two things that both came much later. First, when I found out how many of the big name, celebrity drug warriors have direct ties to The Seed, Straight and DFAF that set me back on my ear for a good long while. I had, by then (around `99 or so) come to terms and made peace w/ the idea that I was a touch paranoid, but the rest of the world was more-or-less ok. I often think I liked it better that way. Just how deep does this rabit hole go, anyway?
So next I started trying to contact other Program ppl. And I gradually discovered how many of them were so damaged by the whole thing and how much we all have in common. I didn't know what I was watching and what I took part in.
Again, I liked it better when it was just me. I can handle it. I can make the best of it. The world my kids inherit was still more-or-less OK, even if I wasn't exactly on top of my game wrt making my place in it. I'd just do my best to mitigate the damage done to me, try not to let it touch them and they'll improve on my work.
But this way, the way it really is, I owe a huge debt. If I had understood it just a little better back then, I would have played it differently. I thought everyone else either got brainwashed and it was their problem or, like me, just put up w/ the bullshit till they could make a break for it and let it all roll off.
So then I started looking for some way to make it all make sense. And I found it. It's simple, really. Brilliantly so. This problem of ours is no different from so many other times and places in history. The Nazis did it to their people (and I've since found out that the Büsh dynasty was very much involved in providing financial, political and material support to them at the time) The Holy Roman Catholic Church has a centuries long history of doing just about the same thing in Europe. The Shining Path cult in doing just about the same thing in So America; has been for some decades.
The simple truth is that the `50's never happened. The ideal "traditional" nuclear social/ecconomic unit was fiction. For thousands of years, people have lived, loved, fought and died despite all this fucked up shit. Some people know it and get along, others get along by studiously avoiding thinking about it. But, all in all, we get along.
Never mind how crazy you think you are. Just check out the lunatics around you! By comparison, you're probably quite sane.
They used to burn witches. Today we laugh at them. Today we jail people for marijuana. Tomorrow they'll laugh at us.
--Robert "Rosie" Rowbotham
